Monday, September 24, 2018

yeah....I miss you, I think


Dumbest thing ever. 
Nothing but silence.
I see you there, 
Quiet,
Watching but not talking.

You are watching me
I am watching you
But yet ,
So quiet....
Mind numbingly quiet

Miss you
I think





talk



Tuesday, September 11, 2018

don't be a boob

It is coming up to my 5 years, post atypical cell growth in my right booby. 
Cancer.  
I'm not to worry because they said it was clean margins when they removed a 2"x 4" part of my tit.
So, why do I worry?
Because I'm a nurse and I deal with cancer diagnosis' every day.  What I do know is that cancer is never cured, you are never a winner. if you live long enough it comes back.  Maybe not in my boob....but probably somewhere else.

When I went through all this, I did it pretty much alone.  I did not want to worry my family. To this day, my kids still don't know. I waited until the surgery to tell my other half.  Post surgery I was to start chemo and do mammograms every 6 months.  I did a bit of soul searching and with talking to my oncologists,  opted to not continue treatment.  The answer was that it is a 75% chance that it will return within 5-10 years with no treatment.  Because it was a clean catch and not ductal or lymph nodes I chose to not participate.  It's been fine. 
5 years is January.
 ( after the surgery .... this was called a breast saving mastectomy....they take a big scoop out and leave everything else.  Mine was not ductal , I was lucky)

This past few months I have noticed a lump in 
the same breast.  But not too big.  I have lumpy boobs anyways so I am not going to stress until the new year when it is time for my mammogram.  


For people who aren't aware ....here is what you can look for in breast changes



No need to worry....

But I do worry.  I have some underlying bone pain in weird places, I have lost a bit of weight and I have a weird feeling.  (yes a weird feeling).
I will make an appointment with the dermatologist, pretty sure I need some business on my pasty skin corrected too. 
5 years.  
I'm going to just go with it.  I guess the best advice is to cross that bridge when I get there.  I'm not sure I can walk across that bridge alone this time.   
I'll just hope for no bridge....zip.... 
clear my mind....
don't worry


my boobs are real....but this is funny

write ya later, 
m

Thursday, September 6, 2018

lost in translation

One of my friends is a quiet communicator. 
Let's say silent. 


How does one communicate with a person who is silent?
How do you know the truth from bullshit? 
How do you connect?
Buried in their darkness, or is it just me.

I understand that each person is their own and each person has their own demons and issues which delays connection due to trust. My demon basket overfloweth, so I get it.
 Lost in translation. 

Open hearts, connection, passion....
It starts there.....
trust, stories, secrets....
touch.

Back to reality.
For many people, connection at the surface is enough. 
My connection is deep. I cannot even hold a friendship together if we have not shared depth. 
Shallow does not connect with me. 
my favorite is to share secret laughs and stories between.
it is unbreakable 
it is 
tight

Blank stares, lost in translation....



write ya later,
m

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Why do their new girlfriends look like the old ?


I have had some thoughts lately about this.  I know it drives me crazy because it is such a double standard. It is not a new thing 
Elvis and Priscilla, she was not even 14 when they met. We will give him break because it is the South after all.

This subject mostly revolves around musicians because I have only ever dated rock guys....so it hits close to home. 

The case of the forever younger woman. 


They just keep getting younger


Or the rockstars keep getting older and older?
What the hell....
and........younger.......and younger

I would ask....does she really have sex with that man?
We know the answer is yes.....they have a new set of twins.

55 years younger.  

We have a friend who is a well known rockstar ( not pictured here ) and this came up while following an instagram feed. I kept saying, " I didn't know ____ has a daughter.  Look how cute she is....looks like she must have just graduated....Look at this cute picture"

other half says, " oh, that?  thats his new girlfriend."
"where's his wife?"
"Well, M, when someone gets a new girlfriend, the wife is usually not in the picture anymore."

"yeah yeah.  I know!  But this gal looks 22...."
"I think she is 24, or so" 
OR SO?!  He's 55 OR, SO
What does she do for him, besides set up his new iPhone and talk to him about the Kardashian new line of lipstick?
Here's the last fucked up part, I have noticed how most of the young new girlfriends look identical to the way the wife looked when they were that age.  hmmmm

Ron Woods with Jo in 1985.........


Ron Woods with  Ekaterina Ivanova   18 years old? circa 2009 or so


See what I'm talking about
Boy the resemblance is striking.  Wouldn't you say???

So if you are married to an old rockstar and their career starts to revive at age 50, ya better get your paperwork in order....because you will be replaced.


Write ya later, 
If I haven't been replaced,
m





Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Get over here





truth.   ????
Sometimes I just wanna get laid.   
What’s the problem? 

Write ya later

M

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Reality button


Sometimes I like to hit the reality button.
Make sure we are all on the same page. 
As you have guessed it's not all kittens and cotton candy, although that sounds quite perfect as long as you throw in a sloth or two...and beer.
I spend a lot of time telling my 14 year old to give me a break.  No one is looking at me. So, I am often found in my normal element of no makeup, freckles, really really bad hair and sometimes dirty yard work clothes.   It's ok, I say.   This is reality and I'm really starting to enjoy it.
It's not like I'm going t the grocery in my sleep pants and fuzzy slippers....
but sometimes, I pass on the fake eyelashes and deodorant.
Don't worry about it....it's a very slim chance you will ever have to get near me.


I met a wonderful person who once said that I just didn't realize how pretty my features are ( or something to that effect). It's probably true. I'm one of those people who goes around with the guys all the time, laughing, cussing cracking jokes and drinking beer.  I think I look great all the time....the kind of looking great where you think "I look better than 87% of the people around here" then you see the damn evidence.  The pictures .....Bwahahahaha.  girl what you been smokin? 
here is my answer ....just glance at the pictures, put them in a file and look at them next year....then you will say, "Shit, I was cute!!!!   What was I worried about? I'm hot, and I looked so young!"
The key, don't dwell because pictures are flat, and very seldom does a photo capture your beauty and personality. Right?  right.

These are my motorcycle guys....my gang.  I'm guessing they don't care what I look like.  They never say I look bad or good...just "hey, want a beer?"
My kind of guys.


Here's my kid, Olive.  She's 14 and thinks she is the bomb.  She reinforces that I am quite awesome too, until I'm not awesome and I am instead embarrassing.  But I really can't please everyone. I love embarrassing her. She's like a puppy, no matter what you do she still loves you....At least at this point.


This is me in my happy spot, meaning the beach and ocean.  I believe I was a mermaid in a past life, or super rich where as I vacationed everywhere I wanted , which included every beach.
I think I look fabulous in this picture.


I would also like to say I am off IG for a while.  It has taken up too much of my time, and there were a few issues.  Ill be back.  I'm hoping to get my humor back and to bring it back into my life. 
The key to my humor is zero fucks given.   zero , zip.... I gotta get there, again.  

I will.
xo
write ya later,
m

I don't think the person who lifted my spirits in ways they will never know in the past year reads this and for that I am grateful. I don't think I shined from the inside like that in a really long time and people noticed.  They have also noticed now that that person has moved on due to life changes and I'm glad for them they are able to move on and forward.  Like I told another great friend....I'm here, I always am. People come back to me like homing pigeons. I'm good for their souls.  I am crazy, but I am loving and I am a good friend.  I am an amazing friend, often much better than the friendships they supply to me.  It's all good though, because I love them.


Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Truth in writing .... new leaf

I have decided to write my truth.   
No longer trying to impress or protect feelings.  I need to write for me.  Although, in some sense, writing it makes it real and I'm not sure I am ready for real.

My heart is lost. Knowing one should never depend on another is a reality that does not work for me.  The reason being : I chose a person to spend time with, yet we have apparently changed so much that I’m not sure we can continue.  My marriage is ok, friend wise, but I can’t survive the lack of intimacy.  
Is this a rarity ? 
Or is this a reality ? 
 Intimacy is a normal need, a want, a true necessity for me.  I have had sex in my relationship an average of 3 times a year for 17 years....  this is not ok, yet when you take 15 years to say something it becomes one's own fault.
 I am a sexual person. I need it.  I need touch and physical intimacy.   
I don’t believe this is odd. 

One of the biggest dilemmas is justifying this need at almost 50 years of age.  I am no longer attractive or a commodity, so to expect to be loved or wanted is almost asinine.  Honestly, it fucking sucks ...,,...It is also somewhat asinine to this I would ever connect with anyone in that manner at this age.  I am too set in my quirky ways and life.

I don’t want to blame him, but I do.I'm resentful.
  I’m here. Yet, if he has no attraction to me, there is nothing I can do to change that.  I am to the point that I cannot find myself attractive either.   Everyday I go without touch or acknowledgment I hate myself more.  Really.   I must love myself but when living in this situation with no acknowledgement, it’s hard. Connection of body.  Connection of minds .... it's as if I am living in solitary confinement.

My heart is huge.  My ability to love and express love is probably irritating to most.  So much , yet no place to disperse.  To connect at this age?   Please.

A sacred real self will most likely never happen. 
To laugh secretly and smile, know each other... yet be content.   
That feeling of wanting to touch the leg or hand of the person.  To want everyone to know how great life is .... I will try to ground myself..., people are too closed to be open within love .

Question now, do I give up and just move towards the end as I am? Knowing this must be the path picked for me.....or change, even though it may be worse ? 

As far as self awareness what do I do? Just be? Just be still and let what happens, happen? Let it be ? Just be, move with the issues as it happens or set change into motion?   

Self worth I forever work on and I understand that you cannot make someone love you or a change the way a person is.  That goes for me too.

As for now, I will just breathe.  I have not lost my sense of humor.  I have not lost my health or ability to love others and help. I have not lost my ability to acknowledge others and bring them to a higher point and to make them smile....
so all in all, 
maybe intimacy is just a really small drop in the bucket

write ya later,
m

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

life ...knock ya down again

Life is great .  You roll like a pro for a while then life smacks you in the face , just so that you know how good you have it. It is literally heart breaking.
People like to say, you don't understand... you don't get it.  Let me tell you something , I get it. 
People suck .  When you are a strong person it surprises others as to why you are so mistrusting.  Or why you need to talk shit out all the time....why you need support, not financial etc....but a bit of emotional support.  As a strong woman, I am not fucking stupid.  I am not passive.  I grew up the baby sister of 8 older brothers. They did not put up with my shit and they taught me not to put up with other's shit.  Is this a plus? 
fuck no.  
I trust no one. 
 I expect everyone to talk shit out and on top of that , honestly?...I expect almost every male, to fuck me over in the long run....so far I'm right (short of maybe one).   It sucks...because I continuously look for the good, but men can't handle strong, smart women.  They waiver.  They think it's awesome at first then they go out and look for a woman who will not question, will keep quiet and won't challenge.   I'm not into that.   I need a MAN. a man who can give support, talk, and let me know they can be in charge if needed, yet step aside and let me be me.

See this guy?    do you know him?   well I do.   
This is my Nephew , Brady Graves. read about him here.  
This is family....he's not the only black sheep in my family.  I come from a family of strong ass woman and these narcissistic men. You know what we do?  we feel guilty and take care of them . We support them and become enablers.  
Brady served his time,(prison, parole, etc.) he's not an idiot. He graduated the top of his class at the Academy and went into the Marines at the highest level.   You know what else he did? he started smoking meth. He blamed it basically on the women in his life.   It's heart breaking.  
Don't tell me I don't understand.  
Don't tell me I ask too many questions or that I tell it like it is.   
We support, we love , we are passionate, we take them in, we pay , .....
we are idiots.

This guy, above, he's on the wrong path again.   He blames everyone except the one who made the decision to smoke meth....even blaming the beautiful sister who has supported him from prison to rehab.   
He's a victim.....bullshit.
  He's a grown man making shit ass poor decisions and blaming everyone else.

I know many people won't ever get it.  But when you grow up around men who are weak, men who lie, cheat and steal ,then blame the mothers , daughters, and lovers in their lives ....us daughters, wives and lovers grow up bitch ass hard and hard as hell to love.   We are appealing on the outside then as soon as you get close you back away.  We ask questions....we trust too much until we don't, and we want emotional support.

There are not many men who can stand up to that....or to a seemingly normal family which has it's seedy underside.  lately, I find men weak ....with lack of ability to have compassion or to love outside their circle.   they are often so self centered it is repulsive.  
A man who says "I need my own stuff ....I don't know what to say....I can't support you emotionally" is not a man you want as a lover, boyfriend or spouse....They will never connect outside their personal space.

It's unfortunate.
write ya later
m

The closest way to a woman is to touch her brain, her emotions, her thoughts.
Talk, Listen.... question and think together
It's better than sex.....dope soul.  
ps: and don't smoke meth....

meth never turns out good

Unfortunately. watch for my nephew in the news again.....its; only a matter of time



Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Sometimes



Sometimes I just want to scream 
You are a FUCKING idiot !!!!


But that’s not nice 


Write you later,
M

Monday, July 23, 2018

A boring story and piece of advice

A world far far away there was a tired tired woman. Not just physically tired, but emotionally tired...
questioning everything in her life . You will make the right decision, you always do.  You will know when the time is right? You will do the right thing.

I hear this all the time about people. "Do the right thing".
Ahhh phooey.
What is the right thing? The right thing might just be, feeling good and doing what feels good for a change. 
When you hear someone say they haven't been touched in over a year, or haven't had sex in forever, or even kissed anybody in ages....what do you think?  
I think....that fucking sucks.  

Why?  Are they yucky people? Are they unable to love? Are they crazy? Or is it that someone is manipulating them?
Sometimes you have to look at someone and say ....fuck it.  just do it.  You live your one life and it needs to be a good one and shit is not always conveniently timed. People come into your life for a reason, if it is a shitty reason, they disappear, but if it is a real reason....they stick around, they are there ....
So when someone takes your hand and touches your leg and you are questioning, maybe you should just let go a bit. 

To feel wanted is an amazing thing for everyone. 
A kiss, the dart of a tongue, a smile, the brush of fingertips and that electricity.  If it is not meant to be, you won't feel that fire. Sometimes we have to tell people to do what they wouldn't normally do to see if it is right for them. Sometimes timing sucks and sometimes we have to put away our taught morals and remember , it's our life.  Grown ups.  Live.


write ya later,
m




Tuesday, July 17, 2018

It's just fucking tacos

     Everyday seems to become more of a WTF moment in life. Ya know, ya try to get your meditation in, workout, be kind, then someone forgets your goddamn tacos on Taco Tuesday.
No shit....it can really mess a family up.

We ventured out to our favorite nameless taco joint in our town for the Taco Tuesday 1$ tacos. Just to be clear, we go all the time, not just for cheap tacos.
We made the mistake of heading in a little later than usual so it was the big rush.
We waited the standard 45 minutes to sit....it's fine, pretty normal around here. Sat down, ordered drinks and chips and salsa.  So far so good. Placed our order, then proceeded to watch multiple tables get their food and leave while we still sat there. Being a former waitress, I should have asked earlier, but being a female who never blames anyone else kept me from asking, "Where's my TACOs???"
1.5 hours went by for 6 tacos and the waitress finally came by to see how everything was.  
I just looked right at her and said " what's going on....it's been almost 2 hours for 6 tacos" 
She about died.  She thought we had all ready eaten and we were just taking up space.  At that point I felt bad...  this is what waitressing nightmares are made of.  ( if you ever waited tables you know what I'm talking about).  She apologized and went to see what had happened ...she came back mortified and said it was her fault (brave lil mother fucker), she forgot to out the order in.



For the record.... I did not freak out..... I did the even worse thing.  
I calmly said..." It's ok, it's cool, can we have the check for our 3 beers , chips and salsa, and soda? I have to get up in 5 hours for work "  She went, came back and said the owner was buying us everything and gave us comp tickets for next visit.   This is always a nice gesture, but not necessary.  The other half sat silently across the table.  I made the decision to leave....I could not sit there 30 minutes more to wait for 6 tacos.
Sad part is.....it was 9pm.  no more Taco Tuesday open in our little town after 830. I knew I had opened a can of worms with my decision. 

As we walked out the silent other half turned into a 2 year old, break down city....which I understand, but grown men should not act as such. "Fine , I guess I won't eat tonight....I don't want to cook so I guess, just fine. "
Then decided to write a scathing review of our favorite restaruant and post it.  

I guess this story is 2 or 3 fold. 
1. shit happens.  Was I a bit peeved? yes, but mistakes happen, we are all human and it was just fucking tacos.  I just didn't want to sit anymore....I have been up since 4 am, I'm tired. 

2. More often than not I start seeing assholeyness in people that I really wish I didn't. I don't care for childish, footstomping behavior from grown men.  It's like screaming when they see a spider.  It just isn't working for me anymore.
3. It's just fucking tacos.

4 unrelated: Today I realized when someone said, " there is nothing like disrobing a man in a suit to have good sex".  hmmmm  Like James Bond style? I have never in my life had sex with a man who wears a suit.  I have never even been with a man who wears a nice suit, let alone take one off of someone. 

I'll just dwell on that for a while. Remember , it's just fucking tacos....shit happens , and if you are a man....just deal with the spider, please.

write you later,
m

Monday, July 9, 2018

drunkard and braless

Lord, I drank way too much yesterday. 
Way. Toooooo. Much

It's ok, it gave me a much needed break from reality and thinking about things.
 I put on a frumpy dress, slapped on some sunscreen and mascara, and we headed to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival.
My downfall was the liquor samples.
they were tasty, especially in the 100 degree weather. 

You know what was nice?   
Over the past few weeks I have been trying to get my head back together, in the way of not thinking about what others may view me as.
I have been working out and looking the way I want to look for me.
hell, Today I am braless.  0 fucks given. 

well, I am braless mostly because I feel too crappy hungover to put on a bra. But it is still liberating.

This week my schedule is full. Work my 4 10's. I have my last 12 hour clinical. And I need to write a senior outcomes paper.  Within this week I also hope to work out twice and attempt to get some chores done.   I got this. 

I guess I will wash my bras too because I don't think my fear factor is to the level of going braless to work, plus it is probably highly inappropriate.
Im not that fearless ....yet

write ya later,
m




Monday, July 2, 2018

broken like a piece of china

I'm not gonna whine about this much more.  As I was told at some point, " no one owes you an excuse as to why they stop talking or caring,  just move on."
I get it...I'm moving.............slowly. 
I will elaborate only slightly, because some things are better left unsaid.
I have a hard time with "unsaid".

When you have a friend who rocks your world you re-think things, everything. 
Sunshine is brighter
Music has meaning
Sweets are sweeter 
and
honestly some stuff is just straight out amazing.

When you meet someone like this and you connect one often feels this is a "thing".  Nothing else really matters, this is something that will be here.  They get you. You get them. They give you advice, and you think more....contemplate.

Then little things start happening.  The timing is all wrong. Excuses are made and you start to wonder...
was I that wrong?  
Did my radar totally go whack? 
How could I let this person play me?
fuck
It's like I am a teen again and the breakup is bad. 
Except as a teen, it just scars you for life and makes baggage....
As an adult, when a friend dumps you, you break.  Like china.
I can't afford to break right now....



It's weird when your inner soul totally plays you for a fucking idiot.  
Is this some sort of bullshit lesson? 
Probably.
As my sister said, " you will do what is right when the time is right....maybe (this friend) was saving you a fall".

maybe
but I don't like it
I'm lonely
my brain has less to think about
less to smile about 
and less to dream about

yup...
I hate feeling like that crazy woman up the street....
Gotta let it go....
Maybe you will come around
totally worth it.


write ya later........
m