Tuesday, January 22, 2019

learnt and burnt

~~~~ the emotion that joins joy and sadness

"girl, you gonna get your sweet lil ass learnt and burnt, actin the fool"

An old friend used to sit me down and give me that little above piece of advice...., well not really, he would actually yell it across the Bar I worked in Atlanta with a waggle of his big finger......whenever I was trusting my heart before my head.
"girl baby, why you do this to yourself? You got too many feels to be out there passin your heart around....when you gonna learn?"

I thought about that the other day.
Apparently I am not.
As I slowly saunter through my current situation my heart swells with so much emotion I can't ever contain it.  I sat with piece of paper, writing
good vs bad....
benefits vs dumb....
heart vs reality.....
There is no easy way out, except to not do anything ,and that in return is a death sentence on my heart and soul. Which the more I talk about it, write it out, and think.....I'm not willing to sacrifice.
I call my sister and discuss the benefits and the risks and her answers are always the same
" M, you are figuring it out, I am listening to you do this on your own, it's taking more time than the average person....but honestly, it is because you care to much"
My other Sissy says to me," you have put up with way more than any average person would have....you know it is time....Just make sure this is what you want and that you will be ok with the outcome. I am not worried about your survival skills, you are a survivor of shit situations, you will be fine."

These women are correct.
I do not want to hurt him....or his masculinity. I want him to be able to continue to do what he loves, and I want to see him be happy.
Do I want to see him leave me and immediately meet a 27 year old and make 100K a year, no.
But that is not very nice of me to think that.

because it is my birthday week I cannot start a discussion.
but I can lay it out for myself.

I used to look into the future and see us sitting on the beach in our little chairs, enjoying life, riding motorcycles, laughing about good times, and living simple. I do not see that anymore. When I think of that, I get frustrated and think about how sad it would be to spend my fun years with someone who cannot see the sunshine through the rain.
I cannot do it.

Now, I think about myself, and O, in a small apartment. getting by and making do.
I want to make sure O is on a good path, and in one way, she needs to see people together who love each other.
I'm ok with having to work extra to get by and take care of O, although it would be nice to just move to Denver and live in a studio and just be.

I am also ok with not being with anyone again.

This was a question my sissy brought up.
"Are you willing to spend the rest of your life single?, because 50 is not really the age men are looking for."
Yes.  If I can be me, and just do my thing, I guess so.
It's ok. I know, and although my initial thought is that I am so full of love, it will be a bummer...But I'll be fine.
I did not want to go to my grave without passionately kissing anyone ever again or having someone touch me , really touch me....
but I took care of that.
so, I guess...I'm good.

So, for my birthday
I have made a decision.

and yes , I am sorry for anyone reading this malarky....but it is what it is

write ya later,

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Kindness .....the simple answer

Some times things are just that....


As I have been doing my homework for therapy I have been struggling with how I can be better.
Not better as a person, because honestly I am a pretty great person...
but better in my abilities to help the ones I love be better people. (and to not sound like a twat, to also help me see the ways I have made mistakes and possibly not do them any more, or at least know that I am doing it)
Now we all know you cannot change a person, but with gentle encouragement one may be able to help a grown ass adult see the light in a different way.  Maybe shut up for a minute and say," wait a minute, I have never thought of it like that."
Granted , this is not a thing for teen to 37 year olds, but I think at about 40 or so, people are able to have some insight to life.
So, I came across this beautifully logical article and it just made sense.
Here is the mystical answer I was looking for.....

The Secret to Love is Just Kindness

seems legit

As I read said article I got all antsy on the inside.  
how many times in my life, to myself (under my breath), or to my partners and even to my kids....

So, in my struggle to figure out how I can be the best I can be for all the people I cross paths with and attempt to build people up instead of accidentally (or not) tear them down , I took this study to heart.
You can be kind or be an asshole and the relationships ,and I'm gonna guess this goes for not only lovers but friends too, which survive are the ones who are actively kind and responsive.

here is the part that hit me in the heart and made me say ..."this right here"

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that
The partner has a choice, read it again,..... a choice.   
Turn towards or away
acknowledge in a kind manner (regardless if you give a shit or not) or turn away.
I have been guilty of this.
I remember early on in my relationship I was so unsure and unsafe from the baggage I carried (and still carry) that I could not accept anything as truth.
"you are beautiful" was answered with "whatever" and thoughts of "they say that to everyone".
It was my answer to everything.
Even though this person, looking me in the eye, was saying it because they felt it.
I negated those feelings, I turned away, I did not connect.
This habit does not make for a relationship of trust and love.

I am only going to point out that one thing. There were many, and they came back like shots in a war zone.  I will not talk about the other person, because he did what he did to protect his heart.
18 years now and we still turn away and I know we are doing it.
Even when we try to be kind, I feel it and I question it, now in the back of my head...."he's just saying that because the therapist told him to" or "he knows I'm upset so he is trying to back track"
I never think
"he loves me"

can you see the problem here?

Moving forward with a smile, I am, at 50, learning to accept responsibility and the love people can offer and give it back.  There is no reason for me to be a dick to people anymore, and honestly there never was a reason. My wings were never broken they were just not fully expanded and now they are. I know my faults and I hope people reading this will understand their faults too.
That pointing out people's ugly traits to their faces is not always the best in the long run.
be kind.
love hard
don't wait to tell someone their good things 
and be understanding that your bad things....
they can be fixed 
I believe in you
and me

just listen.... so far from ok...........
little changes, let us make.


Wednesday, January 16, 2019

forgetting the past and pushing forward

Bizarre week.
Buckle your liver straps, this is gonna be a truthful ride.

I had mentioned before about finding a therapist.   Yeah , that happened.
Going through the motions to attempt to correct years of bad behavior is not the easiest.
It's frustrating, somewhat comical, and even a bit disabling.

How do you make things better?  How do you forget the past enough to push it behind and focus on the good and the future? Can you? Maybe people just change. Actually, not maybe....people do change.  It's not a bad thing, it's actually often a great thing. People mature, learn new things and be happy.  Our problem is that we are not happy. We have changed so much that the night revolves around.....well, nothing.
I asked the therapist if this is normal.  He said, "it is NOT a normal or ok way to live, is it common, yes."
Should I just buckle in and accept that my other half, who I chose to spend my life with, is not happy with the way life is here? Continue the motions and just say to myself this is old age... we made it this far just be happy? No....we aren't happy.
 I don't blame him. We are both to blame because we honestly never fed each other's souls.  We never continued to build each other up.  He has his music; getting on stage and playing is his happiness. I love that.  He is amazing. When he is on stage he shines, he's sexy, he knows who he is and he revels in the attention.  
Then when he gets home he is back to the shell of a person I fell in love with.  
He hates the cold---we live in Colorado .
He doesn't like to go out anymore---- a man who used to love to hop on motorcycles and ride until we found a cool spot and just hang out, talking, laughing, planning.
He has stopped taking care of himself---- doesn't change his clothes, tidy up his grooming, or care for his body.  To me he still looks good, he just doesn't put for any effort....unless he is going on stage. 
He has just changed.  We all have.
I have changed too.
I finally have time for life.  I am older, wiser and in my mind I feel more beautiful---but without my life partner able to express that to me in any way it seems a bit disheartening and pointless.
I graduated from college which freed up time to do more things---but I have no one to do these things with. 
We have raised 3 amazing kids and the youngest is now old enough to not be bothered with me anymore which also frees up more time.
I have learned, although very recklessly and stubbornly, that I should not count on someone else to make my life complete.  This is how "not feeding another's soul" comes into play.  When this becomes a battle point, Ie: "you shouldn't count on me to make you happy, you need to make your self happy" or "According to you, I'll never be enough, there is no winning". What happens is that you (meaning me) start to just turn inward. You make yourself happy. The way it should work is : You become more happy and confident and the other person is drawn to that.
That is not what happened.  
We began to feed our own selves, not helping and believing in each other for strength anymore. No longer counting on each other or expecting anything.  This is not how a relationship works.  Over years we have literally stopped supporting the team. It hurts, and we are both at fault.

As I have aged the last few years I have had so many emotional breaks, thoughts from anger to suicide, but I have never quit loving.
I love hard. People in my life have always said I am too much feels.
It's ok.  It has gotten me through so many things, it has helped me build myself up so that I could continue to love in a relationship which is so broken.

Our changes don't mean I do not love him.  
I love him dearly, but :
1. I have damaged so much of our connections with anger, he cannot love me back.
2. He needs to look within his own life and see what can make him happy, really happy, then see if he can strengthen the ability to be a support to family.
3.When a couple loses the connection intimately, the safety factor fades. It is almost as if you are not sure if they have your back any more.  Would they jump in front of the proverbial bus if need be? Probably not....because although they "love" you....there is no real skin to skin, heart to heart , secrets and passion anymore....so the bus? you better not fall in front of the bus.
Without number 3.....you become roommates. 
and at a certain point even if you were roommates with benefits, it just isn't satisfying.

So, to get back to it.  We are continuing on with therapy.  He states he wants to try, but I am struggling. We are trying to learn how to talk. It is extremely difficult as of now our conversations are the "how was work, what do you want for dinner, did you walk the dog, and what do you want to watch on TV"
I love my other half and I do not want to hurt him but I also know it's time for both of us to be happy, really happy. If for him that means going back to California where he lived the best years of his life and reunite with old friends and do what he does, I'm ready to support that.
If it means a separation so that we can each breathe and love our selves again, I am for that too.
I am for whatever will help ease us into the next part of our lives so that we can bloom, love, laugh, ride motorcycles, play guitar, travel with friends and make love for connection, not duty.

This process has been very slow.
very slow
and I honestly am unsure how to move forward, especially when there is no real anger or hatred right now.

how ?

write ya later,

I am grateful for the friends and family that are supporting me through this, quietly...with the advice that , when it's time you will know, and you will all be ok.
And for the one friend who opens the door and lets me just sit on the couch under a blanket, cry and watch movies....It's a thing.
I can only hope my other half is finding support right now, but I fear he is not.

Thursday, January 10, 2019


Says it’s lost, whatever the case ....
 he’s not wearing it . 
I gently removed mine and placed it in the little China dish.
The littlest actions often hurt the most 

Sunday, January 6, 2019

Older Should be Better....Right?

I know some of you follow me on IG.  
I'm just a friend of many.  I try to say it like it is, which is often pretty realistic (such as the fact I took a selfie with no makeup, in my dirty 1970's kitchen) Lord knows I am never gonna be an influencer like that!!!  That shit is real and when you work full time, try to stay healthy, have a teenager (OMG that shit will kill you), and bizarre family dynamics you just do what you do to get through the hour, the day, the month , and the year....and pray it doesn't go too fast that you miss out.

I wanna talk about Older, Smarter, Better....

me .....older and still mastering the other 2.

I'll be 50 in a few weeks and I am starting, finally, to get it....to just plain old understand how the stuff I tended to worry about, really doesn't matter.  I think of all the times my mom said to me as a teen, "Stop being such a drama queen, that shit won't matter by next week!" 
She was so correct (as usual).
I can officially say I am older now.  I like it.  It doesn't bother me too much.  
I feel wiser, because I am wiser. 
This does NOT mean I don't struggle everyday with getting up and taking care of myself in a way which will keep me moving into the next 10 years.  
If there is one thing I want to say to you....it's not too late to start taking care of yourself.
If you are overweight, go get a physical and start slow. You don't need to join a gym (unless you want to)....just go walk. listen to a book or podcast and walk. Cut out Sodas and add in water. It's these little things which can keep you off medications and feeling better. 
you do no one any favors if you are not healthy or taking care of your skin suit.
Lift some weights.  You need to strengthen your muscles and your core.  
You are going to need it for balance, believe it or not. 
Hell, I fell UP the stairs at work the other day and I can guarantee if I was not as strong/healthy as I am right now I would have broken my leg, hip , or even worse cracked my head.   But I caught my dumbass , cracking my shin, and spilling my coffee...20 pounds heavier, it would not have been good.

I'm not sure.  My best advice...keep reading, listen to one book, read one book and keep a list on a site like GoodReads.  It's nice to know that you accomplish things even if you don't remember what the hell you have read or done.
I have Alzheimer's in my family .... so I try to keep my brain moving.  I try new things and I don't buy into that bullshit that I can't change, or I am too old.
With that said ....last year, or so, I did try an aerial ribbon dance class and that was the first time that I thought,
"For fuck's sake , Myssi, you are too old for this ribbon hanging stuff"
But I completed the class, and was horrible, but laughed a lot and got kudos for being the oldest in the class.

This is easy.... 
We know more now, so do better.  Maybe Oprah said that or something ...But she is damn right.  There is no excuse as a grown adult to be a dick.
People need kindness and empathy, so now that you are moving up Maslow's Heirarchy 
be kind, be better....reach that Nirvana.

It's pretty simple.   
Volunteer , offer a nice word, tell someone they are beautiful, encourage a person to move up and forward....
just do good things....you will feel better.  
Even if you get nothing back, because honestly, as an adult what do you really need?, you get those amazing Karma points that most of us blew through in our shitty 20's.

I'm no guru.  My life , if you read my posts ,has been a circle of weird times, confused love, horrible body image, bad hair, and one time I even tried to wax my own hooha....
But I can honestly say I am smarter now....better.....and I will never ever try to wax myself again.
That shit is for the pros.

now go out for a walk and do good things

write ya later


Monday, December 17, 2018

Growing out the Sparkle aka going grey

I have never been super confident.  Lately, the confidence has been struggling even more. Most likely due to the fact I am turning 50 in January. 
It's all fine and dandy, short of the fact I do have to look in the mirror occasionally.  
The mirror doesn't lie.
There is no filter, no little kitty ears and fake lashes to magically make one look 25 again....It's straight up shit lighting reality.

no makeup , no curl , just me....although usually I'm pretty good about making a face in pictures. (this is a technique one uses to take the eyes of away from the truth of the picture)

me ...going out for easy dinner and a night with Michelle Obama.

Let's talk about this silver hair for just a moment.
I have people say, "You are so cool"
"you are so brave"
"You look gorgeous "
"You look old"

I think they are all pretty much correct.

I am all of those.
The silver hair is pretty cool, Should have done it much earlier.

I'll keep you posted on the progress.

sorry for the lacking post .

write ya later,

Friday, November 30, 2018

Daddy Issues....but a beyond perfect Daddy

My dad and I used to take showers together. 
 I'm sure we did until he decided I was too old.  
I'm guessing around 6 or 7. 
 I loved it.  He had soap on a rope, Old Spice, and a loofah.  There was a tiled seat in the shower and I would sit and fold the washcloth over and over again.  That is all I remember except that when I was small he would pick me up and soap me all over and occasionally drop me….on the tile. 
 It never stopped me from joining him.

We were close. I was his Peanut and he was the man who fed me sardines out of a roll top can and gave me sips of Budweiser.
My dad was a huge part of my life, even when he was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's he was still there for me. Even as a punk rock teen he never said a derogatory word, he always built me up and felt pretty confident in my intelligence and abilities.
About the time I was 14 dad was at the pinnacle of the downside of Alzheimer's. He had to give up driving, he was often mean, and was also often found wondering the golf course in his underwear in the gated community we lived in.
None of it really bothered me, except for when he would be outside in his underwear , watering the driveway, smoking a camel unfiltered when I would arrive home from high school with my friends. Luckily my friends were pretty understanding...but it was still somewhat embarrassing to explain what was going on.  Once explained, it was pretty comical. 
Dad would offer my 15 year old friends beer and we would have to kindly decline, knowing we really weren't allowed. He would ask my guy friends how long we were married ( I was 15), and sometimes he would straight out say, " who the hell are you?" to my face as I was getting us a snack.... and I would turn and smile and say, "Dad, it's just me, Myssi/Melissa I live here, in that room over there." He would look at me, look at the door to my bedroom and say, " Where's your mother?" then walk away. 
It was tough at times, but at other times it was hysterical. Towards the end, he would sit in his old green corduroy  chair, watch TV, look at catalogues and talk to himself. One time I leaned over to give him a kiss on his cheek and noticed he was looking at a Victoria Secret's Catalogue. He pointed to some T&A and tapped his finger, gave a little catcall and shook his head. (At that point I promptly announced that he was faking Alzheimer's)
  He liked to eat and drink so we would sometimes water down a Gin and let him chew on a Camel unfiltered while he ate ice cream.He was easy going in those days, barely talked....just sat and looked like an empty shell. We would dress him for holiday parties, slap a Santa hat on him for Christmas and bunny ears for Easter....sick or not, he was in that chair part of the family, proudly propped in the living room. He was loved and respected....even with the bunny ears on.

 One time I came to visit from Atlanta,  I was about 20 and had just bought a little miniature pig, Daisy.  It didn't even phase my dad.  He would sit in his chair and call Daisy..."here puppy...puppy" and whistle....then give her a bit of whatever he was eating and she would sit next to him oinking like a stuffed pig.  He would slip his old slippers off and rub her belly with his foot and she would oink and grunt as happy as could be. We would all just sit and laugh....it's the little things.

here's the question....
Did this, growing up with a sick dad change my being?
Of course I have a great sense of humor and I'm pretty damn loving but my ability to be confident in myself is poor. 
could this be partially due to lack of father figure?   ahhhhhh

is always looking for approval from a man a direct result from no dad when I was in my formative years? It would explain a ton.

just for the record,,,,
my upbringing was great.  My mom and dad were pretty fucking awesome, we were wealthy, traveled and well respected ....even when my dad got sick, they had fun and loved each other.  They cocktailed, loved each other and my mom took care of my dad until he died.  She never locked him a home....he stayed at our home....slept in the same room with my mom....even when she had to put him in a hospital bed, they still slept in the same room.
So, I always saw love.

So how the hell is my idea of self love so screwy.?

Sunday, November 11, 2018

If you forget ......... me

If you forget me ...
I want you to know
one thing. 

You know how this is: 
if I look 
at the crystal moon, at the red branch 
of the slow autumn at my window, 
if I touch 
near the fire 
the impalpable ash 
or the wrinkled body of the log, 
everything carries me to you, 
as if everything that exists, 
aromas, light, metals, 
were little boats 
that sail 
toward those isles of yours that wait for me. 

Well, now, 
if little by little you stop loving me 
I shall stop loving you little by little. 

If suddenly 
you forget me 
do not look for me, 
for I shall already have forgotten you. 

If you think it long and mad, 
the wind of banners 
that passes through my life, 
and you decide 
to leave me at the shore 
of the heart where I have roots, 
that on that day, 
at that hour, 
I shall lift my arms 
and my roots will set off 
to seek another land. 

if each day, 
each hour, 
you feel that you are destined for me 
with implacable sweetness, 
if each day a flower 
climbs up to your lips to seek me, 
ah my love, ah my own, 
in me all that fire is repeated, 
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, 
my love feeds on your love, beloved, 
and as long as you live it will be in your arms 

without leaving mine

~~~P. Neruda

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

How to pick a therapist

I'm picking a therapist.
Would anyone care to help?
I'm all ready full of OCD and anxiety, now I have to choose a therapist from a list, suggested by distance from my home, acquired from my insurance company.  There was no asking what I might need counseled in or anything...I guess I get the generic form.

It's comical.
First I started with the names...
Do they sound like therapists?
Then I google.
I google the letters after their names, their names, and then judge everything about them by their website content. 
I mean, that seems logical, right?
how else do you do it?

Of the 6 choices, one was quickly eliminated because they had no website.
This led me to believe they either were ancient with no ability for online presence, or that they were attacked by one of the people they were counseling and decided to not be present in the manner that they would be easy to locate.  There were no pictures or addresses so I decided to scratch that one of the list...I didn't want to be murdered by accident....ya know just trying to get to and from the building. I watch crime TV....I'm not dumb. So, with that said.... One down.

This dreamboat was not on my list...

I would not pick him anyway, I couldn't imagine telling him about my issues and him looking at me like that....nope. Nothing would get solved, it would be worse, way, way worse.

The other five I sorted by navigating the reviews and lists of "therapies" they can entertain/cure me with.

First off: the name Jilab... I can't even, then her most respected therapy is dance and movement therapy. I'd have to be effin crazy to drag my anxiety ridden self into marriage counseling and be treated with 45 minutes of "dance / movement" therapy!  
Unless I am doing this :
I don't think I can entertain the thought of dance therapy, and to be honest, today in boxing class I couldn't even figure out my left hook from my right hook, so this is probably out.
 Oh wait she also has hypnotherapy and aroma therapy for the soul.
no, no and another no....

That left me with a therapist who looks like Pat, which is fine, but I could not imagine my other half telling Pat his problems without thinking of SNL, honestly, could you?  And regardless of how mad I may be at my significant other....I'm not that mad.

"Y'all gotta just love each other"
Sorry Pat...off the list.

The next was a young lady.  Quite attractive and well put together. 
I circled her name....
wrote down the number....
picked up the phone ....
Then decided she was too sexy.
Won't work. 

The last was the farthest distance from my house but his website was up to date, easy to navigate and his smiling face was like the friendly, bald science teacher from middle school.
He did not look threatening, he graduated from a real college, not online certification, and he was not wearing a bow tie. 
plus he had the balls to say he was "seasoned" 
I like it.
Now if I get there and he is this "seasoned" I may have to re-evaluate a few things, including my method of choosing a therapist.

I'll try to keep you semi posted about the funny stuff....Not the bullshit tears and stuff

If you have any other suggestions feel free to leave a comment. 
all free therapy is gladly accepted.

Write ya later,

Thursday, November 1, 2018

not getting any younger

guess what happened today?  You will never guess....

give up?

Someone reminded me that I am old. 
Exact quote, 

"you are not getting any younger" 

then made a reference to menopause and how soon I won't even crave, need, or want sex anymore.
I'm going to be a whopping 50 years old in January. I will agree that I am older, but I am not as old as 

Christie Brinkley (64)

 Molly Ringwald (50) She is a month older!

 Sandra Bullock (54)

I am gonna throw it out there that they still are fairly viable women.  Not quite ready for pasture.
I get it.  We aren't 25, so we become OLD....
please refer to this post :

My opinion on all of this is that once we become older women, we become more valuable as humans. 
Think of all the experiences we have. Many have lived a full life, birthed and cared for children, received an education, married and survived (joking), and bled for a quarter of their lives. It's a pretty amazing feat.  Then add the fact that many of us have raised little humans to grown, adulting humans all the while sacrificing fun, intelligent conversation, work, and our body shapes often without really complaining. Ok....we complain, but it is worth it. 

I am going to think ,and suggest, that we hit our prime around 44 -50 and probably our intellectual and our philanthropic prime ....well ,I bet that continues until we cannot empathize and help anymore = deathbed.

I would like to also think that getting old does not scare me at all. It does, but not the getting wrinkles kind of old....it's the getting sick kind of old. I want to be able to continue enjoying my prime with good health. Not bad knees and a shitty ticker.

Also, seniors still have sex....I looked it up, even though I am a nurse and I see Cialis on a lot of OOOOLLLDDDD men's medication list. ( Guess they could be having sex with younger women) 
Anyways I looked it up 
Encouraging, looks like I have my 70s to look forward to. 

After all....look at Betty White

I'm so gonna be a Betty White

Better yet, go watch Harold and Maude
There is no sweeter love movie


So, If I'm old....or not getting any younger, I'll take it

xoxox. write ya later, 
ps if you ever want to make me super happy....
Watch Harold and Maude, better yet watch it with me

Screw old:  2 months from 50....


Monday, October 29, 2018

Boulder Halloween Mall Crawl, a must do

This weekend I headed out on my own to see the Boulder Halloween Mall Crawl. Since I had my "no waiting around " policy epiphany, I just decided to go check it out even though I really had no one to go with. The costumes were on point.
many zombies
way too many sexy scary zombies (hopefully they all stumbled home safely)
a few dancing T-Rex (the best)
I think I found Waldo at least 4 times
Anonymous was there.....many, many of them 
And a few pretty darn cool scary clowns.

All just partying up and down the street.
It was really quite cool.

The coolest part was this area where they were having a dance party.  It was a tight space, everyone from every age group was dancing. It was just a really awesome vibe.  I love to dance.  I don't get to dance that often because because the other half in my family does not dance at all.  Period .... not even sexy slow dance.....But ME? I LOVE to DANCE.  This dance party reminded me of when I worked in the clubs and people were just free...just grooving. I wanted to dance my feelings away, but by the time I was feeling comfortable enough to get my groove on....it was over.  Typical. Dancing and laughing with people is a skill that everyone should have and I am really going to try to do more of it....without hesitation.  

 nekkid pumpkin run, 2017 ( I missed it ...or maybe they are actually doing this n Wed. Night)

Dance party 

If you ever get a chance....check it out ...and take some advice from me, dance !  dance like no one is looking, you owe it to yourself

write ya later,

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Hellllllo October, you Bitch

Oh, October in Colorado.  One of the persnickiest times of the year.
One day 78 degrees and clear ....

Isn't it lovely?
All less than 12 hours later.

Same view....
17 degrees. 

No worries though, this is why we love Colorado, she is as unpredictable as a, well, let's say a woman who has been on the wagon for 17 days, attempting to figure out what to do with all her free time not spent drinking or surfing IG or Facebook.
"Shall I have an acid flavored Kombucha?....or a cucumber water?"
"Shall I knit or shall I clean and sort my entire sewing room, then decide to finish all projects which were left unfinished from years ago?"

Guess what ?
All of the above.
SoberOctober is proving itself to be quite productive, not only for projects , but for clearing my mind and getting my lonely lost head straight. 
Two Thumbs up, M!.
 yeah Kanye, we get it 
"MAGA"....and that is starting with my sewing room and brain.

Let's see, just for the idle chatter, I knitted a sweater, sewed a bag (little hexagon appliqué pictured below), got a Fitbit, been working out, am getting a BMI body scan, repotted all the outdoor plants to bring inside and planned a trip to Nashville

Who doesn't love Hexagons?
All of this while sober.  
I may just keep it up into November (probably not, because my friends are so not supportive).

I am still grieving the loss of a friendship which brought me much joy....but it will be ok. 
Everything works out in the end, one way or another, it is just weird to hear someone say they will be there, then , well.....go silent.
Part of my Yoga, workout, run therapy also involves lessons in patience. 
It's kind of cool.
I am working just being me. 
It's all good when you can look at yourself and laugh...give people hugs....and  say "good things happen to good people and mean it". 

I missed out (self inflicted) on a once in a lifetime trip to Machu Picchu, which was to start tomorrow, because 
1. guilt of spending $3K on myself
2. a little bit scared
3. head not quite where it needed to be to travel and enjoy.
it's ok....there will be more trips....right?

(yes that is grey hair...the red is being replaced by silver)

This is me....at work, 
washing my hands so that I can pass out some more hugs.

Try it.

I'll keep ya posted on my plans.
Nashville, Bryce National Park 1/2, then hopefully Italy and or Greece....although I have heard Croatia is quite nice. 

write ya later,

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Sober October day 9

As you know, I like my cocktails, well beer especially, but October has rolled around and I was reminded by my far far away friends that I have been known to participate in things such as Sober October and Lent (yes , I said Lent).

Thanks, God....

It is day 9 and I have to admit one thing...I sleep better. With that said let me tell you a few of the things which are not working out:

1. I went out the other night and I had to become the UBER drive, because I wasn't drinking.  At one point I was toting drunkards around and I decided to make an illegal turn. Someone in the backseat said, "hey, you can't do that"....my response, "Fuck it...Pull my ass over....they can give me a ticket. I am so sober it's frightening."  Then from the backseat, "yeah....it is frightening, 
This will probably never happen again."   
Nice support guys.

( this is what my backseat looked like)

2. I was told I am no fun when sober....    another thanks for the support...

3. I feel like I have nothing to do.  I never realized how much I enjoy having a beer and or a vodka drink at night while relaxing.  Now, as a fellow SoberOctober friend announced, "I have drunk more tea than Kermit the Frog". bingo, brother, bingo....and that lousy bubble water with flavors that taste like plastic fruit.

besides all of that I have discovered a few things that now that I am done with the depression of not having a beer, I am going to cash in on....and I think I will continue for the rest of the month to blog on it.  I have been feeling pretty good about blogging and if you do read this feel free and let me know because as of now I feel pretty open knowing no-one really gives a shit or reads this crap.
So, point at hand,

1. I have found time to read.

2. I am knitting and sewing again which you can see on my IG

3. I have plenty of time to think and try to make my apologies to all the people I have been weird to. Although when one attempts to reconnect on a nonweird platform it just appears the one is fucking crazy, so I just do my best and hope I can re-establish the love I once had for people and them me.

4. Run
This is the big one.  I have made a commitment to myself, starting today (in 38 degrees) to try to run again.  I am shooting for a half marathon in Bryce Canyon.  Running is something I do alone.  I have yet to find anyone who I can or want to run with, comfortably ( if you are out there contact me). So, this I will continue to talk about.

5. Russel Brand requested I start to meditate every day to clear my head and become my old self.
I am on top of this, I would rather be on top of him...but we will start with meditation.
Thanks Russ...

6. Depressed M is going bye bye.  My life is mine.  There is a path here somewhere and I am going to find that bitch.

write ya later,