Sunday, November 11, 2018

If you forget ......... me

If you forget me ...
I want you to know
one thing. 

You know how this is: 
if I look 
at the crystal moon, at the red branch 
of the slow autumn at my window, 
if I touch 
near the fire 
the impalpable ash 
or the wrinkled body of the log, 
everything carries me to you, 
as if everything that exists, 
aromas, light, metals, 
were little boats 
that sail 
toward those isles of yours that wait for me. 

Well, now, 
if little by little you stop loving me 
I shall stop loving you little by little. 

If suddenly 
you forget me 
do not look for me, 
for I shall already have forgotten you. 

If you think it long and mad, 
the wind of banners 
that passes through my life, 
and you decide 
to leave me at the shore 
of the heart where I have roots, 
that on that day, 
at that hour, 
I shall lift my arms 
and my roots will set off 
to seek another land. 

if each day, 
each hour, 
you feel that you are destined for me 
with implacable sweetness, 
if each day a flower 
climbs up to your lips to seek me, 
ah my love, ah my own, 
in me all that fire is repeated, 
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, 
my love feeds on your love, beloved, 
and as long as you live it will be in your arms 

without leaving mine

~~~P. Neruda

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

How to pick a therapist

I'm picking a therapist.
Would anyone care to help?
I'm all ready full of OCD and anxiety, now I have to choose a therapist from a list, suggested by distance from my home, acquired from my insurance company.  There was no asking what I might need counseled in or anything...I guess I get the generic form.

It's comical.
First I started with the names...
Do they sound like therapists?
Then I google.
I google the letters after their names, their names, and then judge everything about them by their website content. 
I mean, that seems logical, right?
how else do you do it?

Of the 6 choices, one was quickly eliminated because they had no website.
This led me to believe they either were ancient with no ability for online presence, or that they were attacked by one of the people they were counseling and decided to not be present in the manner that they would be easy to locate.  There were no pictures or addresses so I decided to scratch that one of the list...I didn't want to be murdered by accident....ya know just trying to get to and from the building. I watch crime TV....I'm not dumb. So, with that said.... One down.

This dreamboat was not on my list...

I would not pick him anyway, I couldn't imagine telling him about my issues and him looking at me like that....nope. Nothing would get solved, it would be worse, way, way worse.

The other five I sorted by navigating the reviews and lists of "therapies" they can entertain/cure me with.

First off: the name Jilab... I can't even, then her most respected therapy is dance and movement therapy. I'd have to be effin crazy to drag my anxiety ridden self into marriage counseling and be treated with 45 minutes of "dance / movement" therapy!  
Unless I am doing this :
I don't think I can entertain the thought of dance therapy, and to be honest, today in boxing class I couldn't even figure out my left hook from my right hook, so this is probably out.
 Oh wait she also has hypnotherapy and aroma therapy for the soul.
no, no and another no....

That left me with a therapist who looks like Pat, which is fine, but I could not imagine my other half telling Pat his problems without thinking of SNL, honestly, could you?  And regardless of how mad I may be at my significant other....I'm not that mad.

"Y'all gotta just love each other"
Sorry the list.

The next was a young lady.  Quite attractive and well put together. 
I circled her name....
wrote down the number....
picked up the phone ....
Then decided she was too sexy.
Won't work. 

The last was the farthest distance from my house but his website was up to date, easy to navigate and his smiling face was like the friendly, bald science teacher from middle school.
He did not look threatening, he graduated from a real college, not online certification, and he was not wearing a bow tie. 
plus he had the balls to say he was "seasoned" 
I like it.
Now if I get there and he is this "seasoned" I may have to re-evaluate a few things, including my method of choosing a therapist.

I'll try to keep you semi posted about the funny stuff....Not the bullshit tears and stuff

If you have any other suggestions feel free to leave a comment. 
all free therapy is gladly accepted.

Write ya later,

Thursday, November 1, 2018

not getting any younger

guess what happened today?  You will never guess....

give up?

Someone reminded me that I am old. 
Exact quote, 

"you are not getting any younger" 

then made a reference to menopause and how soon I won't even crave, need, or want sex anymore.
I'm going to be a whopping 50 years old in January. I will agree that I am older, but I am not as old as 

Christie Brinkley (64)

 Molly Ringwald (50) She is a month older!

 Sandra Bullock (54)

I am gonna throw it out there that they still are fairly viable women.  Not quite ready for pasture.
I get it.  We aren't 25, so we become OLD....
please refer to this post :

My opinion on all of this is that once we become older women, we become more valuable as humans. 
Think of all the experiences we have. Many have lived a full life, birthed and cared for children, received an education, married and survived (joking), and bled for a quarter of their lives. It's a pretty amazing feat.  Then add the fact that many of us have raised little humans to grown, adulting humans all the while sacrificing fun, intelligent conversation, work, and our body shapes often without really complaining. Ok....we complain, but it is worth it. 

I am going to think ,and suggest, that we hit our prime around 44 -50 and probably our intellectual and our philanthropic prime ....well ,I bet that continues until we cannot empathize and help anymore = deathbed.

I would like to also think that getting old does not scare me at all. It does, but not the getting wrinkles kind of's the getting sick kind of old. I want to be able to continue enjoying my prime with good health. Not bad knees and a shitty ticker.

Also, seniors still have sex....I looked it up, even though I am a nurse and I see Cialis on a lot of OOOOLLLDDDD men's medication list. ( Guess they could be having sex with younger women) 
Anyways I looked it up 
Encouraging, looks like I have my 70s to look forward to. 

After all....look at Betty White

I'm so gonna be a Betty White

Better yet, go watch Harold and Maude
There is no sweeter love movie


So, If I'm old....or not getting any younger, I'll take it

xoxox. write ya later, 
ps if you ever want to make me super happy....
Watch Harold and Maude, better yet watch it with me

Screw old:  2 months from 50....


Monday, October 29, 2018

Boulder Halloween Mall Crawl, a must do

This weekend I headed out on my own to see the Boulder Halloween Mall Crawl. Since I had my "no waiting around " policy epiphany, I just decided to go check it out even though I really had no one to go with. The costumes were on point.
many zombies
way too many sexy scary zombies (hopefully they all stumbled home safely)
a few dancing T-Rex (the best)
I think I found Waldo at least 4 times
Anonymous was there.....many, many of them 
And a few pretty darn cool scary clowns.

All just partying up and down the street.
It was really quite cool.

The coolest part was this area where they were having a dance party.  It was a tight space, everyone from every age group was dancing. It was just a really awesome vibe.  I love to dance.  I don't get to dance that often because because the other half in my family does not dance at all.  Period .... not even sexy slow dance.....But ME? I LOVE to DANCE.  This dance party reminded me of when I worked in the clubs and people were just free...just grooving. I wanted to dance my feelings away, but by the time I was feeling comfortable enough to get my groove was over.  Typical. Dancing and laughing with people is a skill that everyone should have and I am really going to try to do more of it....without hesitation.  

 nekkid pumpkin run, 2017 ( I missed it ...or maybe they are actually doing this n Wed. Night)

Dance party 

If you ever get a chance....check it out ...and take some advice from me, dance !  dance like no one is looking, you owe it to yourself

write ya later,

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Hellllllo October, you Bitch

Oh, October in Colorado.  One of the persnickiest times of the year.
One day 78 degrees and clear ....

Isn't it lovely?
All less than 12 hours later.

Same view....
17 degrees. 

No worries though, this is why we love Colorado, she is as unpredictable as a, well, let's say a woman who has been on the wagon for 17 days, attempting to figure out what to do with all her free time not spent drinking or surfing IG or Facebook.
"Shall I have an acid flavored Kombucha?....or a cucumber water?"
"Shall I knit or shall I clean and sort my entire sewing room, then decide to finish all projects which were left unfinished from years ago?"

Guess what ?
All of the above.
SoberOctober is proving itself to be quite productive, not only for projects , but for clearing my mind and getting my lonely lost head straight. 
Two Thumbs up, M!.
 yeah Kanye, we get it 
"MAGA"....and that is starting with my sewing room and brain.

Let's see, just for the idle chatter, I knitted a sweater, sewed a bag (little hexagon appliqué pictured below), got a Fitbit, been working out, am getting a BMI body scan, repotted all the outdoor plants to bring inside and planned a trip to Nashville

Who doesn't love Hexagons?
All of this while sober.  
I may just keep it up into November (probably not, because my friends are so not supportive).

I am still grieving the loss of a friendship which brought me much joy....but it will be ok. 
Everything works out in the end, one way or another, it is just weird to hear someone say they will be there, then , well.....go silent.
Part of my Yoga, workout, run therapy also involves lessons in patience. 
It's kind of cool.
I am working just being me. 
It's all good when you can look at yourself and laugh...give people hugs....and  say "good things happen to good people and mean it". 

I missed out (self inflicted) on a once in a lifetime trip to Machu Picchu, which was to start tomorrow, because 
1. guilt of spending $3K on myself
2. a little bit scared
3. head not quite where it needed to be to travel and enjoy.
it's ok....there will be more trips....right?

(yes that is grey hair...the red is being replaced by silver)

This is work, 
washing my hands so that I can pass out some more hugs.

Try it.

I'll keep ya posted on my plans.
Nashville, Bryce National Park 1/2, then hopefully Italy and or Greece....although I have heard Croatia is quite nice. 

write ya later,

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Sober October day 9

As you know, I like my cocktails, well beer especially, but October has rolled around and I was reminded by my far far away friends that I have been known to participate in things such as Sober October and Lent (yes , I said Lent).

Thanks, God....

It is day 9 and I have to admit one thing...I sleep better. With that said let me tell you a few of the things which are not working out:

1. I went out the other night and I had to become the UBER drive, because I wasn't drinking.  At one point I was toting drunkards around and I decided to make an illegal turn. Someone in the backseat said, "hey, you can't do that" response, "Fuck it...Pull my ass over....they can give me a ticket. I am so sober it's frightening."  Then from the backseat, " is frightening, 
This will probably never happen again."   
Nice support guys.

( this is what my backseat looked like)

2. I was told I am no fun when sober....    another thanks for the support...

3. I feel like I have nothing to do.  I never realized how much I enjoy having a beer and or a vodka drink at night while relaxing.  Now, as a fellow SoberOctober friend announced, "I have drunk more tea than Kermit the Frog". bingo, brother, bingo....and that lousy bubble water with flavors that taste like plastic fruit.

besides all of that I have discovered a few things that now that I am done with the depression of not having a beer, I am going to cash in on....and I think I will continue for the rest of the month to blog on it.  I have been feeling pretty good about blogging and if you do read this feel free and let me know because as of now I feel pretty open knowing no-one really gives a shit or reads this crap.
So, point at hand,

1. I have found time to read.

2. I am knitting and sewing again which you can see on my IG

3. I have plenty of time to think and try to make my apologies to all the people I have been weird to. Although when one attempts to reconnect on a nonweird platform it just appears the one is fucking crazy, so I just do my best and hope I can re-establish the love I once had for people and them me.

4. Run
This is the big one.  I have made a commitment to myself, starting today (in 38 degrees) to try to run again.  I am shooting for a half marathon in Bryce Canyon.  Running is something I do alone.  I have yet to find anyone who I can or want to run with, comfortably ( if you are out there contact me). So, this I will continue to talk about.

5. Russel Brand requested I start to meditate every day to clear my head and become my old self.
I am on top of this, I would rather be on top of him...but we will start with meditation.
Thanks Russ...

6. Depressed M is going bye bye.  My life is mine.  There is a path here somewhere and I am going to find that bitch.

write ya later,

Sunday, October 7, 2018

love story of an inconvenient time

A love story from a time long ago.

       We all have a story as such.  A beautiful love story which occurs when there is not a possible right thing to do short of drastic risk. Memories which always come back as "What if's", tears, and  lessons learned. We all have a story, each and every one of us.

....are you ok?.....
hmmmm, what is this, who is this?
......pertaining to what you sounded....well, not ok.

Jesus Criminy, I thought I deleted that. I know I deleted that. Yes , I was mad....hurt, pissed, sad, and I had to get it out. To a world of non people, who I don't know and will never meet.  It's frightening, yet exhilarating to just dump it into the world and no one really knows you, so no damages can come from it.

      But someone did notice and he was intriguing.  His short conversations were honest but guarded. Easy banter among friends.  Especially easy when you really don't 'know' the person.

I remember when it turned the corner.
......what are you doing? , did you know you are hanging out right around the corner from me?.....
No, I'm seeing a band.
......yeah, you just posted and I live right around the corner, I could come up......
pause, ~~heart racing~~
NO.  I'm good, it's late, I'm not staying much longer.

But the feeling was exhilarating, but also wrong.  I was in a committed relationship, regardless of the up and many downs.  I always have kept the faith that the downs will turn around and my relationship at home will be better.  I do have morals, I think, or at least my brain has morals, my heart thinks differently.

then next morning, before I was even awake.....
......I love that picture of you working out on the carpet....
( huh,? that picture is 3 years old). Hey, that's an old picture , what ? did you do go through all my pictures, weirdo?
All 3000?
......pretty much.
(inside smile, and a chuckle) weirdo.

This was our friendship.  Banter online at any given time.  He was a late owl, I was an early bird, he was a meat eater, I was not; which in agreement made our friendship incompatible from the beginning.

But he made me smile, laugh, think, and encouraged me, probably unbeknownst to him, more than anyone in my family ever did.  He noticed things and held me accountable when I was wrong. I could count on him to acknowledge life and cool little corners of it in a similar way as my own. His photos of his day to day life caught my eye and I felt an odd connection with another person who saw life in pictures.

I don't remember how we first spoke, mostly through funny banter and an occasional message about our day? I don't remember the first time I noticed his comments, but upon looking back, it must have been about 2 years. 2 years. That is a long time for chit chat.  The friendship was inevitably going to change one way or another.


Write ya later

Monday, September 24, 2018

yeah....I miss you, I think

Dumbest thing ever. 
Nothing but silence.
I see you there, 
Watching but not talking.

You are watching me
I am watching you
But yet ,
So quiet....
Mind numbingly quiet

Miss you
I think


Tuesday, September 11, 2018

don't be a boob

It is coming up to my 5 years, post atypical cell growth in my right booby. 
I'm not to worry because they said it was clean margins when they removed a 2"x 4" part of my tit.
So, why do I worry?
Because I'm a nurse and I deal with cancer diagnosis' every day.  What I do know is that cancer is never cured, you are never a winner. if you live long enough it comes back.  Maybe not in my boob....but probably somewhere else.

When I went through all this, I did it pretty much alone.  I did not want to worry my family. To this day, my kids still don't know. I waited until the surgery to tell my other half.  Post surgery I was to start chemo and do mammograms every 6 months.  I did a bit of soul searching and with talking to my oncologists,  opted to not continue treatment.  The answer was that it is a 75% chance that it will return within 5-10 years with no treatment.  Because it was a clean catch and not ductal or lymph nodes I chose to not participate.  It's been fine. 
5 years is January.
 ( after the surgery .... this was called a breast saving mastectomy....they take a big scoop out and leave everything else.  Mine was not ductal , I was lucky)

This past few months I have noticed a lump in 
the same breast.  But not too big.  I have lumpy boobs anyways so I am not going to stress until the new year when it is time for my mammogram.  

For people who aren't aware is what you can look for in breast changes

No need to worry....

But I do worry.  I have some underlying bone pain in weird places, I have lost a bit of weight and I have a weird feeling.  (yes a weird feeling).
I will make an appointment with the dermatologist, pretty sure I need some business on my pasty skin corrected too. 
5 years.  
I'm going to just go with it.  I guess the best advice is to cross that bridge when I get there.  I'm not sure I can walk across that bridge alone this time.   
I'll just hope for no 
clear my mind....
don't worry

my boobs are real....but this is funny

write ya later, 

Thursday, September 6, 2018

lost in translation

One of my friends is a quiet communicator. 
Let's say silent. 

How does one communicate with a person who is silent?
How do you know the truth from bullshit? 
How do you connect?
Buried in their darkness, or is it just me.

I understand that each person is their own and each person has their own demons and issues which delays connection due to trust. My demon basket overfloweth, so I get it.
 Lost in translation. 

Open hearts, connection, passion....
It starts there.....
trust, stories, secrets....

Back to reality.
For many people, connection at the surface is enough. 
My connection is deep. I cannot even hold a friendship together if we have not shared depth. 
Shallow does not connect with me. 
my favorite is to share secret laughs and stories between.
it is unbreakable 
it is 

Blank stares, lost in translation....

write ya later,

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Why do their new girlfriends look like the old ?

I have had some thoughts lately about this.  I know it drives me crazy because it is such a double standard. It is not a new thing 
Elvis and Priscilla, she was not even 14 when they met. We will give him break because it is the South after all.

This subject mostly revolves around musicians because I have only ever dated rock it hits close to home. 

The case of the forever younger woman. 

They just keep getting younger

Or the rockstars keep getting older and older?
What the hell....
and........younger.......and younger

I would ask....does she really have sex with that man?
We know the answer is yes.....they have a new set of twins.

55 years younger.  

We have a friend who is a well known rockstar ( not pictured here ) and this came up while following an instagram feed. I kept saying, " I didn't know ____ has a daughter.  Look how cute she is....looks like she must have just graduated....Look at this cute picture"

other half says, " oh, that?  thats his new girlfriend."
"where's his wife?"
"Well, M, when someone gets a new girlfriend, the wife is usually not in the picture anymore."

"yeah yeah.  I know!  But this gal looks 22...."
"I think she is 24, or so" 
OR SO?!  He's 55 OR, SO
What does she do for him, besides set up his new iPhone and talk to him about the Kardashian new line of lipstick?
Here's the last fucked up part, I have noticed how most of the young new girlfriends look identical to the way the wife looked when they were that age.  hmmmm

Ron Woods with Jo in 1985.........

Ron Woods with  Ekaterina Ivanova   18 years old? circa 2009 or so

See what I'm talking about
Boy the resemblance is striking.  Wouldn't you say???

So if you are married to an old rockstar and their career starts to revive at age 50, ya better get your paperwork in order....because you will be replaced.

Write ya later, 
If I haven't been replaced,

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Get over here

truth.   ????
Sometimes I just wanna get laid.   
What’s the problem? 

Write ya later


Sunday, August 12, 2018

Reality button

Sometimes I like to hit the reality button.
Make sure we are all on the same page. 
As you have guessed it's not all kittens and cotton candy, although that sounds quite perfect as long as you throw in a sloth or two...and beer.
I spend a lot of time telling my 14 year old to give me a break.  No one is looking at me. So, I am often found in my normal element of no makeup, freckles, really really bad hair and sometimes dirty yard work clothes.   It's ok, I say.   This is reality and I'm really starting to enjoy it.
It's not like I'm going t the grocery in my sleep pants and fuzzy slippers....
but sometimes, I pass on the fake eyelashes and deodorant.
Don't worry about's a very slim chance you will ever have to get near me.

I met a wonderful person who once said that I just didn't realize how pretty my features are ( or something to that effect). It's probably true. I'm one of those people who goes around with the guys all the time, laughing, cussing cracking jokes and drinking beer.  I think I look great all the time....the kind of looking great where you think "I look better than 87% of the people around here" then you see the damn evidence.  The pictures .....Bwahahahaha.  girl what you been smokin? 
here is my answer ....just glance at the pictures, put them in a file and look at them next year....then you will say, "Shit, I was cute!!!!   What was I worried about? I'm hot, and I looked so young!"
The key, don't dwell because pictures are flat, and very seldom does a photo capture your beauty and personality. Right?  right.

These are my motorcycle gang.  I'm guessing they don't care what I look like.  They never say I look bad or good...just "hey, want a beer?"
My kind of guys.

Here's my kid, Olive.  She's 14 and thinks she is the bomb.  She reinforces that I am quite awesome too, until I'm not awesome and I am instead embarrassing.  But I really can't please everyone. I love embarrassing her. She's like a puppy, no matter what you do she still loves you....At least at this point.

This is me in my happy spot, meaning the beach and ocean.  I believe I was a mermaid in a past life, or super rich where as I vacationed everywhere I wanted , which included every beach.
I think I look fabulous in this picture.

I would also like to say I am off IG for a while.  It has taken up too much of my time, and there were a few issues.  Ill be back.  I'm hoping to get my humor back and to bring it back into my life. 
The key to my humor is zero fucks given.   zero , zip.... I gotta get there, again.  

I will.
write ya later,

I don't think the person who lifted my spirits in ways they will never know in the past year reads this and for that I am grateful. I don't think I shined from the inside like that in a really long time and people noticed.  They have also noticed now that that person has moved on due to life changes and I'm glad for them they are able to move on and forward.  Like I told another great friend....I'm here, I always am. People come back to me like homing pigeons. I'm good for their souls.  I am crazy, but I am loving and I am a good friend.  I am an amazing friend, often much better than the friendships they supply to me.  It's all good though, because I love them.