Thursday, May 8, 2008

To all my fellow bretheran...Nurses and nurses to be

You might be a nurse if……….

You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'

The front of your scrubs reads, Nurses….here to save your ass, not kiss it!”

You occasionally park in the space with the “physician’s only” sign…and knock it over.

You believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

You recognize you can’t cure stupid.

You believe there is a special place in hell for the inventor of the call light.

You believe that saying “it can’t get any worse” causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

You wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom.

You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly normal.

You’ve been exposed to so many x-rays you consider it a form of birth control.

You’ve heard a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring, and 12 earrings say, “I’m afraid of shots”.

You’ve ever placed a bet on someone’s blood alcohol level.

You’ve told a confused patient that your name is that of your co-workers and to call if they need any help.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago;s water tank.

You have seen more penis’s than a prostitute could dream of.

You believe not all patients are annoying….some are unconscious.

Your family and friends refuse to watch medical sitcoms with you because you spend the entire time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down x-rays

You’ve sworn to have “do not resuscitate” tattooed on your chest…..Soon.

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you.

Your idea of a good time is cardiac arrest a shift change

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

You believe that “shallow gene pool” should be a recognized diagnoses.

You have made your friends swear no matter how much you drink they will never drop YOU off at the ER….”just give me a bucket”

You believe governments should require permits to reproduce

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase…”wow, it’s really quiet, isn’t it?”

You have ever wanted to write a book entitled
“Suicide: getting it right the first time”

You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say” I have no idea how it that got stuck there”.

You’ve had to leave a patients room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status.

You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky

You have told a patient to "get some rest now" and they die right then and there in front of you and all of their family members

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