Friday, June 27, 2008

Thank you-Thank you Very Much

Yes, I did it. I went to the Hot Yoga. I needed to buy Synda's friendship for at least a few more months.
It was good. It was hot and no matter how many people say you have no idea. I think men may often sweat at high volumes, you know, when the play man sports, but women...we usually get a wet armpit or a little glossy. Hot Yoga----You SWEAT! My ankles were sweating. Buckets and buckets of sweat. So very sweaty I couldn't hold onto my own body parts to do some of the poses. I did it and I'm proud of myself. I'm not sure I believe I burned 800-1000 calories, although I may have sweat out a gallon of water. Afterwards we went to the Pumphouse to ruin the burn with beer. We had a huge plate of big gooey nachos and a side greek salad. Synda and I split it so as not to totally ruin the workout. I slept like a baby...didn't wake up once last night.

So here are the things I don't like about yoga (in case you are thinking of trying it)

First of all, I'm a normal punk rock kinda the entire "peaceful spirit thing" doesn't set well, but I'm working on it.

I don't like the smell. I can't figure it out. Is it the stinky mats? Or the sweaty Bamboo floor? It's not BO it's more cat pee smell. Don't like it. I'm sensitive to smell and that one is yukky.

I hate the way my belly fat rolls over my britches when we do the poses. I know it's normal but that is the absolute last thing I want to see in the mirror or when i'm "tucking my head and elongating my spine" El Fatto Rollo. It's gross and I can't concentrate.

I don't like the sounds of people moaning or ohming. I am learning to not listen but then someone will sound like they are having their first orgasm in 20 years and my concentration is shot.

Here's what I do like about Yoga

Every time I do it, I feel as if I've accomplished a task similar to climbing all the stairs at the Statue of Liberty. I want to jump up for joy and slap myself on the back when the 90 minutes are over. I actually think I did give myself a cheer yesterday, then I noticed no one else was clapping for their selves so I stopped.

I like the sweat, It's sexy.

It makes me feel pretentious for 90 minutes in my otherwise cheap ass boring life. I can be "better" than the average person for a bit. I know...that is a shitty thing to say but it's true.

I realize my body is strong and I don't look so bad for a 39 1/2 year old who has squeezed 2 very large babies from her once slender loins....with no help (thank you very much)

Here's how Yoga would be better for the average person

Comedy would lighten the mood. Screw that inner peace bullshit and bring on the funny. My life, and I'm sure many others, is too dull and full of crap to sit and inner reflect on what could be. Lets have some full out funny Chris Rock or Jerry Seinfield teaching the class. Those poses are hysterical and it would lighten the mood if someone said" Don't worry about the fat roll, worry about the fact the man 2 feet in front of you in the Downward Dog had broccoli salad for lunch...that is what you need to worry about"

They could offer some light beer or a nice glass of chilled wine after the session. Much more refreshing and relaxing then Synergy Yoga Piss Water.

Tell the new people to ask for help. I can't even remember my left from right when I'm in there and then they do these pretzel poses and I'm lost...they just don't make it conducive for help. You feel like an idiot

Last, but not least. I understand they don't want riff raff in there...but 15$ for a class??!!! Come on. Enough said.

i will go back...I do like it...
Today we are starting the 100 pushups...please join us on the quest for Madonna Man Arms


roXy said...

girl my friendship isn't for sale, you just get it...not everyone, but you do. Funny is good in class, but laughter brings on the farts. We need to be careful, you think it smells bad now. Oh, the cat piss smell, sorry to say, is you. It is your body sweating out toxins. You are a rock star!!! I love you forever whether you come to class or not.

v8_grrl said...

the cat piss ....NOT ME.... FU


roXy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
roXy said...

if you haven't already put your yoga clothes in the wash, walk into the room where they are and take a whiff. I swear you will think a cat peed in there. don't worry baby, it happens to everyone.
normally you smell lovely. Last night you were rockin the yoga glow, so pretty.

spiffydoug said...

It's the smell of uremia isn't?

bakingwithplath said...

Oooh, I've been wanting to try Hot Yoga

Anonymous said...

First off, you rock for doing it period! I think it will help your body stretch and keep us from getting old lady hump, osteoperosis back. Well, I'm going to get it because I don't stretch or do anything.
I like the idea of comedy yoga, maybe I'd be more inclined to try a freaking class.
P.S. You write like a freaking novelist, maybe you should consider a career path in that. =p