Wednesday, August 6, 2008

And the Idiot award goes toooooooooo

I have a little diddy about an idiot girl.  After last week's fabulous pre PMS haircutting adventure, I felt, somewhere in the back of my vapid mind, that I was now ok to move onto harder tasks.  What task you ask?  ....bikini waxing.   

I know, I, the normal hormonal person is thinking...what the F?  Is she nuts? You don't give yourself a Brazillian, you leave that for professionals.  Remember a few lines ago when I was feeling I had progressed to professional level?   Yeah, well I had not...although you would have thought I did the way I got all the stuff together, announced I would be locked in the bathroom for a bit and sat perched on the side of the tub reading the directions, glowing on the inside, dreaming of the smoothness and the newness.
Heat wax in microwave...all ready sounds scary, but back in the old days I was into some pretty kinky stuff...I can do this.
Makes sure wax is not too hot...well, I have hidden back in the bathroom and swirl the bubbling pot of wax...definitely too hot .I'll try my lip and eyebrows first. 
Apply in direction of hair growth...gothcha
OWWWW way too hot , get it off get it off...well, burned lip...wait for it to cool then put some on eyebrows.
Rip in direction of hair growth
1,2,3  RIPPPP...Yowza, now that's something ...all right. Now we are talking.  I give my self a pat on the horrified at the amount of hair I just removed from my lip, along with a  small piece of skin.  It's ok.  I'm GOOD at this.  Hell, I can wax my entire body!
Now down to the private cookie area.  
Hair growth?  kinda crazy...but get a good guess and apply wax.
Let dry for a second and RIPPPPP
Yes...Look at all that!
Yup, definitely did miss my calling, I should have been a waxer, I'm wasting my days in school.
Only about 25 more RIPS to go.

All of this went along well until the first set back.  I dripped a bit of wax onto a very sensitive area.  I couldn't get the damn wax off.  I had to put clothes on and wonder down 2 flights of stairs to google it.  OK...Answer, Baby oil.
I don't have baby oil.
Mineral oil...that should work...
worked ok...and as I'm working on correcting that problem I notice some slight swelling and litte bits of blood.  Hmmm? does every hair follicle bleed?
No Way.  I was doing so well.  Owwie it's starting to hurt.  
As I start to sober from the pain and the PMS begins to fade I realize...
maybe I can go somewhere and they can finish?  rigggght.

I decided to leave it as is and maybe resume tomorrow once I have recovered....put some ointment on and  put on house dress from 1964...sans panties.

At that point pretty much forgot about the entire incident.  Had a few beers then sat down to go pee. 
little bumps everywhere!  It was like a swollen, bumpy pretend underwear!

Oh my god.  I'm the most retarded person I know...seriously.  At that point I thought...maybe I'll google it.  which I did and it said a few bumps are normal...didn't say anything about bump underwear.  What if I was going to the Carribean?  Or getting laid by Johnny Depp this evening?  jeesus christ.  whatever. put on more ointment and announced to Bobby he would not be getting his birthday lay with the new improved smooth cookie tonight, probably not tomorrow and then the next day I am pretty sure I will be on the rag.  


3 days later...I have gotten up, looked at my old friend the razor and resumed it's use.  Still in the back of my head as I shaved I thought, maybe I will try it again.


lapetitemort73 said...


I had a bad experience getting waxed a long time ago. Lots of skin ripped off. =(
Now, I NAIR the whole thing. Weird I know, but it doesn't itch after or anything.


k said...

I have to admit - this is one of the crazier things I have heard you did.
There is also a powder that you mix with water to a paste - spread that on - use a spoon to scrape off - smooth as a babies butt. It is a face shave powder for Afro American men - bouight it at Walgreens.
Speaking of Men--
My waxer ( lip on face) told me men are really getting into the brazilian wax. I would love to see that procedure!!!!

My brother in law told us a friend of his said to NEVER NAIR THE BALLS --

v8_grrl said...

is "Afro American" men a proper term?
and don't worry I won't be nairing my balls anytime soon

maybe I'll try nair on the vajayjay