Thursday, October 30, 2008

Yes you can, I swear it.

Does life have to be so hard?
 I used to think so.
 I used to be self centered and get worked into a frenzy about the weirdest things.  I remember, at one point in my life, I actually  moved the garbage can to right under the mail slot and never looked back. I actually had to have friends come and help pay bills and put food in the fridge.  Look, I'm honest, I had a nervous breakdown....and you wanna know the worst part?...  I had a 2 year old at the time.  After losing about 25 pounds on a 5 foot frame and choking down intermittent Xanax from my mom, who actually was so concerned she sent them in the mail with directions written in big letters on a napkin ( I should have kept that letter), I dragged my bony ass to the family doctor.
I got the help I needed to get through it.  It did NOT include Xanax, sadly enough, but did include Paxil...and I took it religiously until, as the doctor had nicely told me, " Until maybe you think you can open the mail again.  It won't take long, Myssi, you will be ok."    I didn't really believe him at that point but I had to put my trust in something, it might as well be Paxil.  In the time period working up to the Breakdown...My husband left me, and not just left me, but packed everything up while I was at work and when I walked in the door he handed me the baby and said,"gotta go, can't live like this."  That is sooo good for a gals moral...anyways...that happened, my dad died, my brother died of AIDS and I honestly thought my life was over.  

Jeesus Crackers I was an idiot.

Everything happens for a reason.  I finally realized this.  It took strength from my friends, the death of my mother and the inner strength I actually found in myself.  I realized the world is not about me, but about the energy I put into it...the kindness I put out there and the compassion I can instill.  I don't dwell on the things I can't the example in the post below...or the fact I cannot be anyone's, including the man I love, only thing in life.  I have learned to focus on what I can do for myself and the power I can bring to others with encouragement.  This world is an amazing place if you let the sun shine in.
This came to me today when the gal who sits in front of me brought up the fact her mom died one year ago of Renal Failure....she started to cry, and I started to cry...the class was uncomfortable but I just said,"Lord have mercy...someone get her some Kleenex and me too ...Lord what a bunch of blithering fools we are we going to be nurses if we cry at every damn thing that happens  ?"    She laughed, I laughed and the class laughed.  It's ok to feel pain and sadness...sad things happen and you should cry.  But you should also find the beauty in the sadness.  It happened and lives changed and we moved forward.... we cry for ourselves and the things we have lost.  We don't often cry for the pain the person was in...we cry because we weren't ready for the loss and this is something we should think about.
I don't get freaked out anymore when traffic is making me late, or when things don't work out the way I thought.  It is so minute compared to the big unimportant. 
Take time to laugh and to try something new, endulge yourself in the unknown and do it with vigor and a smile on you face......and how about you bring a friend?...see what happens.
write ya later


Lapetitemort said...

When will I get to the point where I completely realize that? I do sometimes, but there are times I get all anxious and worried about the stupidest stuff.

Plus, I'm having big cases of wanderlust and just want to go...

Baking With Plath said...

I would like to get to that point. I'm working on it, but I'm not quite there yet. It sounds so nice.

Mint Julep said...

Excuse ma'am, but why did you just have to make me tear up? At work?
That was a nice post. Congrats to you for getting to where you are now! You are awesome!

JB said...

you are brilliant and just remember that you are loved by many, not always apparent by the ones you need at the moment, but nonetheless, loved by many... and unconditionally as well!!!!

And with all the love and compassion you have to give, it may never seem like you are receiving it in return...but you touch so many lives with hapiness that you will never realize all the good that you have done.

I love you!

twelvekindsofcrazy said...

I loved this post. Paxil saved my life. I know that was just a small part of your story but I wanted to second that. Sending you good energy. And bookmarking you, too.