Thursday, November 6, 2008

Hello Vagina...It's me, Menses talking


Dear Vagina (and all parts attached),

I'm here to ruin your week.  Don't worry, we'll try to make it painless, although it doesn't quite seem possible to accommodate your needs anymore, including the pain part.  We try to arrive at the most in opportune time to keep you on your toes...so be ready.  I really don't want you to think life revolves around me...BUT...you know....I am important.  I heard from the brain that you were having a bit of stress.  She said it was something about school and the scheduling and trying to fit life, work and a new future all into one packet.  I thought this was hysterical....and the best part?....Since you don't have unprotected sex anymore or go on romantic vacations, I thought this would be a perfect time to arrive...and boy I was right.  I win every time.  Your brain also told me she remembered you didn't have any tampons under the sink last time you were looking under there...so I really thought it would be nice to show up a day early, percolate all night in your uterus so that when you rolled out of bed at 515 am there would really be no forgetting about me.  I want you to remember that until menopause, even though you don't actually need me anymore, I am going to be here for you.  Full Force.  Possibly even more so than before.  I heard from your pain tolerance that you were thinking you were pretty tough, ha, we'll see about that.  Boobs reminded me the other day they could barely remember what it was like to be pregnant, so I thought I would shoot some unneeded hormones their way also... No bra is going to feel good for the next week, don't worry, you are tough, you can handle it..and like I said before, at least you don't  have to worry about being pregnant (you took that joy away from me after the last kid...I'll never let you live that down, well, at least until menopause).  Oh yeah, if you are thinking "I can't wait til Menopause gets here"...well you better think another thought because Menopause is my neighbor and we have been working out a game plan with Ms Midlife Fat roll, Mr. Hot Flash, and Dry Vagina....oh yeah and the last we heard from Zits , Wrinkles, and Stray Hair...they said they would definitely be back from vacation for that...they said they wouldn't want to miss it.  
One last thing, I called Temperament and let them know "games on". We'll be waiting in the background when Bobby gets home.  So be ready.  Tongue all ready said she was not in a cooperating mood and Foot-n-Mouth is not far away.   Right hand has been primed to be able to pick up the gin bottle and taste buds are on hiatus so when you think 3 drinks will suit you better than 1, we will all be ready to move forth with our plan to destroy the rest of your week, and if we work it out perfectly, we may even be able to ruin the family's week too.  

Love you,
Menses

5 comments:

roXy said...

HahahahahahhahHahahhahha!
you make me laugh.

spiffydoug said...

Your life sounds so fun!

bun64 said...

speechless

Lapetitemort said...

=(
Oh sweet menopause when will you gift us with your presence?
I hope you have a happy ending period soon
j

AnastasiaSpeaks said...

Wow, that's a cool post!

And the animation is wild.

Love it.