Monday, August 24, 2009

cherries or pits?


after a fabulous weekend of fighting over relationship stuff that never seems to go away, drinking a magnum bottle of crap wine with Synda, throwing away old clothes, I am possibly ready to re-evaluate my life and where I am going. yeah yeah...like I don't do this every four months...but the point is, I don't want to keep doing it. Life should be easier than it is for me. (Big cry baby I know.)
Here's the thing. I write and am online because it is a world I don't have at home. It's friends, attention, support and all around good feelings. The world wide web is an amazing thing if used in it's correct capacity. When not used in a friendly manner many things can happen. People get hurt, you learn things about people you never wanted to know (or should know) and life gets disrupted.
*NOTE* Don't look for things unless you are ready to deal with the end results.
So my head has been a muddled mess, having a hard time finding humor in things that I should, and not letting go. Talking about things only makes it worse in my household.
There are always, well almost always, lives before a new part of your life begins. This is truth.
In my new life, I have made many mistakes, I admit, but have learned from them. My online life has been quit. I have done this to bring relief into this area of my relationship...but it doesn't ease the mistrust. I have cut myself off from true friends, past and present, and hope they understand...and my true pals DO understand...they don't approve, but they understand.
I continue to make myself a better person, in my tiny tiny head....and hope good comes from it.
It will, one way or another...on my end.
The other end of this stick of dynamite also needs to be diffused. Or for lack of a better analogy, will continue to explode over and over again like a string of firecrackers....and I'm tired of putting out little tiny fires in my life. I can't continue to walk around putting fires out, leaping, ducking and only getting spurts of joy....I can't look away all the time, eventually I will see...Because when I do see, I want to see and feel happy, not sad.
live, love and be what you want back. I have a time frame and today it goes into action. I will not go longer than I should. I will take care of myself, learn, and become the strong person I know I am.
I don't want to hate myself for making wrong choices anymore...it's time to move on.

to top off my day, school started today. Long days are ahead, so you may hear me complain about it a bit on here, because I have to be strong at home. My schedule is unknown at this point...i can't quite figure out what is best for the kids and what the 12 year old can handle with the 5 year old. Do I come to work at 330 am and drive home at 8 am( to get 5 hours of work in), then drop the kids off at school then head to class? it's hard to figure out until I start putting it in motion. but...I'll still be around here...my little secret outpost...place to write, whine and laugh...at myself.

xo
write ya later
m

4 comments:

justjp said...

You totally have friends here babe!

Douglas said...

It's the only way I can keep up with you. You're the best person with a great heart..My word verification for this post is boatho. Is this some kind of premonition? Well, enough about me. Hang in there and hold your friends close and enemies closer:)

Lapetitemort said...

Hang in there. You know that I am here to support and you know how to contact me if you need to. ~hugs~

k said...

Whatever decisions you make, I will stand behind you and fight where needed. The goal in our lives has always been to take are of ourselves . As a very wise man said to me, when I was in my early 20's - "I don't worry about you, because if you were the only person on this earth, you would find a way to take care of yourself." I pass that wisdom on to you - and when and if the day comes that I need it back, I know you'll be in a position to pass it back.