Friday, September 10, 2010

"blog like no one reads it"

which is what I intended when I started this blog. A place to let my inner child shine, be a crybaby, dream big, and not give a damn.
I came home from my shift last night with an email in my inbox that said "sold the hotrod, new project in garage :)"
Sometimes things should be family decisions.
 I go look in the garage.  yup no hotrod, my beloved hotrod...but let me be clear it wasn't mine, and according to household supremacy, it never would be mine because some things are just "mine" or "yours'' and in-between the two shall never meet...and there sat a in motorcycle.  Pretty awesome huh?  Even more awesome if it was mine, which it is not, but even morer awesomer if the person who bought this 50K mile rattle trap knew how to ride a motorcycle.   And this is where my problems began.  He has never ridden a motorcycle, has never taken a lesson and up til last month has never shown any interest in anything with 2 wheels.
So that is what I say...wouldn't it make more sense to take a class, see if its a lifestyle you can handle or will enjoy?  See if you can hold the goddamn thing up with a full tank of gas?
But no...
I bring him down, I'm a nag and lecture, I don't support him and his hobbies. I have always brought him down about his guitars and musician ship.  He sold HIS car to buy HIS new project it doesn't effect me or the family.  His friends' wives let them do whatever they want and never question a purchase.
good fuckin deal for them...His friends also take their wives on vacations, dinners, nights out,gifts and really support them in doing things as family.
Who cares?  not me...I came to that realization a long time ago...The prince on a white horse got killed somewhere on the way to my house when I was 16 and it has been a freak show since.
I know I shouldn't bring this stuff up, this is stuff I keep to myself. everyone has their problems.  I have worked long and hard on building my self esteem and I will be damned if I will let someone keep saying what hag I am.
Here's the bummer part. I love him and I do support him.  Being with a musician is a nasty habit and a self sacrificing life.  They are conceited asses, but that is what I go for.
Here's the other clincher.  I live my life in a total lie. a complete and total fucking here I blog like no one reads, knowing a few people who read this  will quickly judge me and shake their heads, like I do to myself all the time.  do you think I don't fucking know what a liar I am to myself?  I support strong woman.  As a friend, I will be the first one to tell you to run from that asshole...or to tell him to hit the bricks.  I am a poor example in my life and the way I live.
I dream in color of how life could ironic my life is.  How every day I let go by, i am punishing myself.
I turned my head many times...ignored what i saw.  i went to therapy.  learned how not to compare or drag all my baggage to each argument.  To start each conversation with respect and visualize a better outcome.  I do this...I do this in my daily life. I have changed.
I let go of what I was taught by other men, breathe and see things for what they are.  What he brings to the table is because of him not because of what I did or didn't do.
I keep to myself, I smile, and dream of when the clouds will open and there I will be full of light and it will shine so fucking bright it will knock him over.  I believe its not too late...but what I bring to the table, shining light or whatever, is nothing if there is no receptacle (not including the garbage) to collect it.
Depth comes from within.  Belief in goodness of my life comes from within.  I have made mistakes but let them be just that, mistakes.  I can't live in the past, although lately I find looking back at the past and people in it brings me to a land of wonder and what ifs...but what ifs are nothing if never acted on.
I support everyone in my life, friends and sometimes foes.  I stay strong, because I am strong and if nothing else I am a badass when it comes to strength.
I don't want to die thinking I didn't do my best for every person in my life now that I know better, so this path and journey has become a challenge.  A challenge of wills, love, thought and hope.
If only I knew this 20 years ago...but no what ifs
only what shall be and what I can make be.


k said...

Sometimes, people looking in see more than you think. And you shouldn't sell yourself short. Life is too short. said...

You are without a doubt a bad ass when it comes to strength; I just dont know if you TRUELY believe it in yourself. Mere presence in others does not give true security. They are two totally different things. Truth is self alone and a pure choice to share our lives to others, without guilt or dependence.
Of course, these are the rants if a drinking person and with no dreads. But, I still believe it.

S.T.M. said...

I love you V8grrl.

Leah :) said...

This really resonated with me -- thought about it all through my shower, where I do all of my deep thinking :) I have spent a lot of time in that place that you are writing about. One thought I have is that none of us ever really knows all that goes on "behind closed doors" with other people. So, be careful comparing your deepest and darkest w/ the show that everyone else is putting on for public consumption. I cannot count the number of blissfully happy couples that have disintegrated while my husband and I keep scrapping it out -- and, there are lots of times when I think what's wrong with me that I am letting someone talk to me like this? I know I am NOT an "evil f-ing bitch / c-word", but I probably do act like one sometimes. Of course, I firmly believe that I only act like one because he acts like such an asshole jerk.

And, maybe it's a terrible mistake that we've stayed together this long -- there just aren't easy answers. For me, I just believe that neither of us is perfect, we both came from dysfunctional families (who didn't), but we are both good people with redeeming qualities. So, if we just keep working at it...