Friday, November 5, 2010

Only as Strong as...

When I think of you I remember laughter. 
I remember bee stings and lady bugs, music and books.  Things that are no longer a part of my real life.  The first touches of real love, for me.  Giving me the knowledge to love and live, to think myself beautiful.  
You sang to me in front of people and looked only at me.
 Allowing me to feel love, no matter how long it took. You ran to me instead of away, spoke loudly and made me listen until I knew you would not leave.

It comes and goes, why can't it stay? 
20 years it has been and I still think about it.
It was not all ladybugs and Jane's Addiction. 
You scorned me and my heart broke. 
Bukowski became my reading. 
My heart learned quickly that nothing lasts, people are only as strong as their weakest point.  My weakest point would never be weak again. It was my heart.  You vanished, I ran away, leaving bits and pieces in an ugly trail of life lessons.  
People came.  People went, but I never believed in love again. I could not believe. I ruined lives, often including my own.
My heart gave in... Life seemed good, yet good was not good enough.  I was not good enough.  So, I closed my eyes and remembered...
Weakest point, weakest point. 
I need strength.
A strength that cannot come from me, my heart, or my past.  
I need belief or to be able to believe to grasp hold just so that i may let go.
Lessons continue to be taught in manners I choose not to acknowledge. Strength in strength from within and from what cannot be controlled.  Knowing it should work out in the end.
But,oh, what my head wouldn't give to tell my heart to let go, and be.
That feeling,
 that flutter,
the thought that it will never be felt again;

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