Monday, November 15, 2010

Rather be digging ditches

You know, life is too short to be wasting time yelling and rushing around, but there is, honestly, something about mornings at my house that make it HELL.  Bobby gets up and leaves before anyone even stirs. We sleep in, well, sleep til 655 am.  School starts at 8 am for the older and 820 for the younger which , feasibly, gives us plenty of time, especially since the school is within walking distance.
But NooOOOoooOO.
Here's how a relaxing morning at the Graves house begins.
Multiple alarm clocks, which are poorly set going off, starting at 645 am, snooze button hit by 6 year old after yelling from brother and mom to turn the damn thing off! (She has the worst alarm clock, it sounds like a bull horn and she usually sleeps through it).
Then: the race for the shower.  I usually win, but sometimes the teen wins, which means I have to wait, because our house is not happy with 2 showers running at once.
This makes me bitchy. (are you surprised?)
This means I have to get dressed instead of just meandering nakedly to my bathroom.
Dressed...down to start the short order cook station.
Down comes Crankmaster, aka Olive.
"Here's your Oatmeal" Plop.
"is this Banana and Cream?" 
"Yes, Olive"....wait for it, wait for it...
"I SAID>>>>>> I don't like the Bananas and CREAAAAAMMMM it tastes like nothing!!!"
(i am going to kill you, whispered in my head)
"Olive, you picked this you are going to eat it"
Then the tears and then the slowest eating in your life with lots of gagging and gasping.
Down comes the teen, who although he just showered, still smells like Teen Spirit. (What the hell is that weird odor? if anyone knows please tell me.)
"Hey, Kid, did you wash in there, you know with the soap and stuff?"
"Clean clothes?"
Ok never mind, maybe they all smell like that...kinda BOish with a mix of sweet and sour.
"Make sure you put on some of that fancy Ol Spice would ya?, just in case someone gets within 2 feet of your aura."
I make lunches,because my kids are veggies and Olive likes to announce when I say, "Olive its Meatless Monday at know the ONE meatless day a week...started probably just for you?"
'I KNOOOOOW, but MOM  they give my 3 pieces of yukky cheese on white bread, they don't even give me a piece of lettuce or tomato! ...OR MAYO. It's gross."  
"Did you tell them, Olive?"
"Yes, they don't speak English"
great...I doubt that, but whatever...I'll make you your gourmet sandwich and then you can shut the ....up!  (with a smile)

At this point the teen is surfing facebook, because he is ready...waiting, quietly, knowing to just watch out, because the Tasmanian Devil usually lets lose right around know.
Olive..lets get a move on, you got 8 minutes for hair, teeth, socks, shoes, and jackets...its snowing.
ok then GO.
saunter, saunter.
Teen says, "Mom, she's doing it on purpose."
is she really smart enough? 
little shit, she is doing it on purpose.  I can feel my blood pressure rising.  
OLIVE...Lets go!!!
now we have 4 minutes and I still have to get them in the car.
Teen starts car, best part of the day for him I'm sure. 
I try to stay calm....I do, really.
Olive, screw the teeth get some shoes on.
She comes down with strappy sandles.
"Olive, Its's SNOWING!"
Please, grab some socks and your boots, and your jacket and your hat and your gloves and your backpack and your flippin lunch.
I start scrambling,grabbing, and clutching, slapping a hat on her uncombed head because I am no longer in control.  I probably never was in control, hence the problem.
"OWWW, my head...!!!"
Olive, Please, just go...please.

finally in the car.
We drive to drop the teen off, then zip around the corner to elementary school.
I can smell Olive's nasty breath from the front seat.  
The dog is trying to tongue kiss her, it smells good to him at least.
Her hair is balled up on one side.
She is wearing her brother's jacket which is totally pissing her off. (she outgrew hers)
and she has no mittens.
"Where are your mittens?"
"I don't know...gone"
I take a deep breath and tell her what any mom on the verge of a break down would tell their child to do.
"go in that school, go straight to the lost and found, and pick yourself out some fancy mittens, if anyone says anything... play dumb"
"Mom, that's stealing..."
Olive GET out of the car!!! 
Get OUUUUT!!!!!!!!!

She hops out, slams the van door shut...
grunting and groaning...
takes about 5 steps then turns around and with a great big smile:
waves and blows a million kisses.
I can see her mouth the words "I love you".
She hops off with her balled up hair and stinky breath.

They are like dogs at that age, not a clue and forever faithful.
Thank god...
but to tell you the truth, I  think on mornings like this I would rather roll outta bed and go dig ditches.

Well, maybe not.


Kris said...

We could swap places in the morning and not even know we were in a different house. Seriously, we live parallel lives.

v8grrl said... sucks, but is oh so funny...damn kids~!

Mint Julep said...

I'm sure my time will come. And maybe it won't. I have a feeling Arch is going to be a pretty awesome kid =)

Kathryn said...

did you ever find a 40 something blogger group? your name came up when I searched it on goggle

love your blog!

v8grrl said...

i should look for a 40 something blogger group, but maybe I don't want to admit I'm blogging at 40...hahaha

thanks for loving me