Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Golden Showers

What do you need to read my writings???
Humor, 
A beer or whiskey (and I don't really care if its 7am)
Visualization
and a strong stomach.
If you have those few things, this could be an enjoyable year for you.
Things happen, and not always for the better.
I believe the only way to honestly get through some of this is to look at the big picture and just laugh out loud.
Going through life embarrassed of the idiotic things you have gotten yourself into is no way to live, that is why I choose to lay it on the line.  Layin' it out so YOU don't have to be embarrassed anymore.
Roll with it.

On with this weekends adventures in nursing.

I have been reading the poetic writings of Patti Smith.  She describes the first time she sees a swan as a young girl.  Majestically floating along the top of the glass lake, noble, mystical and grand.  A startling noise and up it rose from the water... a sight hardly ever seen.  Splashing it's long wings along the waters glassy top, spreading it's beauty for all to see....streams and droplets of the clear water, spraying from its body as it takes flight...

I've never seen a swan in flight.  I don't believe I've ever even seen a picture of a swan in flight. The spray of it's wings.
I'll tell you what I have seen.....
He was almost 7' tall, which is irrelevant when laying in a hospital bed.  He calls me to the room, " I want to get up and walk."
OK...we can do that.  Let me get everything together.
Walker, back brace, non slip socks, gait belt....
check, check, check ,and check.
All righty my friend ...let's do this.
He struggles to log roll to his side, grasps the side rail of the bed and pushes up, yelping in pain.
Hey, Breathe...when you hold your breath it hurst worse.
He glares at me.
He's upright...wowza.  I reach for the walker and notice for the first time, that the height of the side of the walker is up to my chest.  (Normally they should be at your waist).
We put the back brace on, he doesn't budge to help himself which I find pretty normal for men in the mid 40 age range.  He lets me, or expects me, to do the entire thing.  I babble on about how it will get easier the more times he does it...he just sits there grunting.

Ok...lets see if you can get up.
He grasps the walker and I use all my body strength to brace the walker to the ground.  I put my little foot in front of the one wheel and push down with all 5'1" of my frame so that he doesn't tip it over when he tries to stand.
1,2,3!....
He's UP...7'
Dude...you are huge.
"You are short."
I prefer petite.
He laughs a bit, "Ouch, it hurts."
Yeah, you had a huge surgery, L1-S1 ...that is a big ass back surgery.
"I gotta pee, get me my pee can."
Yes sir, One urinal coming up.  Are you ok?  Breathe, and please God, don't tip over while I grab this.
"I'm fine, hurry up...I gotta go, not sure if I can hold it."
I hustle back with the urinal, rubber gloves on, and reach for his britches.
"I can do it, I can, wait, move, watch out, let me do this, I can do this..."
Ok, but do you need some help getting...you know organized there?  Don't
fall over because if you start to go, I'm breaking my Nursing Oath and getting the hell outta the way.
He smiles, " I got this, been doing it for 46 years or so"
I turn around and give him a bit of privacy, make busy time folding blankets and throwing things away.  I can hear him let out a stifled breath as he starts to urinate into the urinal.
You doing ok....?
"yea,,,geez, this is painful, I hope this thing doesn't overflow."
Yea, I'm with ya on that one.
I turn around to make sure he is just joking.....not really joking.  He is almost up to a liter in pee.
Hey, gettin pretty close there....
"yea, yea, I'm done, I'm done, I have to sit down...ow, ow...everything hurts, here here, take this quick!  take it..."
I turn and start to step towards him just as he lowers the urinal from his man parts...
It was like a flash of lightening, a stream of urine comes shooting directly towards my face, which is about eye level with his waist (did I mention he's 7' tall?...ok then, picture it)
I yelp, and duck and cover, just as I had once learned, not in nursing school, but in the 1st grade for bomb shrapnel safety.  The stream arches past  my face as I turn and swishes across my pants and shoes.
"I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry!!!! this is so embarrassing!!! I thought I was done!  I'm sorry"
Bwahahahahaha, I start laughing hysterically.
I throw the blankets I was folding into the puddle as he continues to beg for forgiveness.
It's ok...It's funny...just my pants, and you know, it could have been worse, my mouth was in the direct line of fire!  If I had been yammering as usual I could have got a bit more of a surprise...
"Well,at least you don't have to do the laundry. Right?"
Yea, at least.  I smile.
"I'm so sorry, this is really degrading.....hey, has anyone ever told you you look like that chick from that TV show?"
??? (here I just wait for it, and repeat exactly what he's going to say in my head silently)
"you know, right?, that show...Ummmm  30 Rock?  You look just like her...cute...but shorter"
Thanks...I guess you could have said Sara Palin...but yes, someone has said that before.
Tina Fey.  I smile to myself.
He's now back into bed.  Calming down and still mortified as I continue to mop up the puddle with blankets and towels...trying not to grimace at the whiplashed pee stripe across my scrub pants.
"Thanks...I am sorry....you do...you look just like her, I can't wait to tell my friend Tina Fey was my nurse."

Now it wasn't quite like a majestic stream from a swans flight.  Yet when I read that line from Patti Smith's book The Kids it was exactly how I pictured it.  An arch of glistening, sparkling fluid shooting across the room...poetic; wonderfully poetic.


xo,
write ya later,
m

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm SO glad you're a writer. Your blog entries are wonderful but a whole book of your musings would be superb!

v8grrl said...

AWWWWW,
You are too kind...
A book would mean organization and regimen, which would be I don't know...a pain in my ass

love you!

stitchie said...

I love and hate your nursing stories all at the same time. But they always confirm what I already knew... I could never be a nurse! You rock!!!!

Lapetitemort said...

Oh my!
You gave me my first giggle of the morning. Sorry it had to be from you being used as a fire hydrant.

one of many said...

Tee hee!