Monday, April 18, 2011

A letter to p90X...a hate letter.

Dear P90x....
I hate you.  I hate the music, I hate the "bring it", and I hate the look of my new shiny pull up bar.  I wanted to love you.  I really did.  I wanted to love you as much as I love Jackie Warner,and her spray on abs and gayalicious workout crew, but I just can't.  I'm not ready to leave you, just yet....but the days are getting close.   Jillian Michaels warned me with the secret voice I hear through the DVD, " Don't go to the Dark Side...stay here with me and just do 20 minutes at a time....I won't ever fail you."  

Every time I do one of your horrendous hour long workouts I can't sit on the toilet the next day.  It makes me angry.  I don't care for dangling over the toilet seat.  It causes splash back, even if I am only 5 feet tall.
If I workout with you, I can't run, because it hurts.  I often can't even hold in my stomach after the 20 minute ab ripper.
The daily workouts make me crazy obsessed with time management.  "when can I fit in an hour long workout!?  I gotta find time to eat!!!   I have to work tonight and if I do an hour arm workout I won't be able to turn the steering wheel on the car to get to work."
The kids think I live in the basement.
I put on sweatpants and sports bras everyday...and that is sooooo not me.
Doing pushups 8 different ways is over kill.  The trooper that I am, I still attempt to do them all 8 ways, even if Bobby did suggest my shoulders were starting to look a bit manly.  
I hate Kenpo.  The moves are confusing and I seem to use more brain muscle than ass muscle. My brain is tight...my ass, not so much. 
Your Yoga sucks...It's hardly relaxing.  The 15 minute repetitive downward dog is like a tryout for the Diamond Cabaret Gentleman's Club.  Although I am doing it, I am not body worthy of the Diamond Cabaret just yet.  Although if you were to peek into the basement you would throw dollar bills at my downward dog.  
I have looked at almost every single before and after picture on the world wide web of your "cult" and my body is NOT doing what those peoples bodies have done.  Why?
I just don't get it.  I work hard....I "bring it" about 7/8ths of the way 97% of the time.
You obviously don't understand I have to get into a swimsuit in July.
You just don't seem to care.  I hate you....

Ps.
I really hate the one legged guy who can do Plyometric jumps faster, higher and better than me...and I have 2 legs.
P90x   I hate you.  I want to break up, but I have to find a new obsession first, then you are sooooo outta here.

m

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