Sunday, January 22, 2012

How to effectively be passive aggressive

I would like to take a few minutes to teach my friends and foe a few superbly effective ways to be passive aggressive around the house, as I learned from my husband.
These are fairly easy things which anyone can accomplish ,with a long term game plan, and a few quick stealth moves.  
First you must set the scene.  

This is easily done early in the relationship, but yet, not too early , because the other party could be smart, which would lead to no effect on the entire plan.  
After the so called "honeymoon period" , but before the "I don't give a rat's ass period", you must set the mood.  During the first few arguments you must, at some point state, " you are a nag" or " I never said you have to do that"…and then make sure you throw in, " you are crazy, you know that?" 
This first step is imperative to the end results.  If you fail to set these tones, your plan will never work.
After step one has been completed you may start your plan immediately, or wait 20 years, either way it should be just as effective.
Here's what you do.  I am going to give you a few base ideas and once you feel confidant in these you should be able to make your own plans to fit your daily needs and life.  any thing marekd ***gravy is extra bonus passive aggressive points.

1.  When stopping by the store on the way home from work, in a snow storm,only pick up cream for your coffee and or lunch meat for your lunch, even though you picked up the milk carton this morning and know its empty, and the kids will have no milk for breakfast….then state…."oh, I thought we just needed cream. " (or fill in blank with your need only)

2.  When significant other has been doing laundry for the entire weekend and shows signs of melting into the floor of the laundry room….don't offer to help….BUT …make sure when the party is not looking you pull out only your clothes and put them away, leaving only piles of kids clothes and your significant other's clothing…then when they complain and state how much they hate folding laundry, you can effectively say, " why do you guys have so much laundry? I never have laundry like that."  This makes them realize they aren't having to fold your clothing, so there will be no complaining to you.

3.  After dinner, make sure you quickly get your dishes into the dishwasher and only put away the few items you used.  Like salt and pepper…so you are actually helping, but not helping the household.  ***gravy, don't wipe the counters, ever…. unless you drip a spot of coffee, then only wipe that one spot, but don't wipe further than that spot.  this shows how ill kept the house may be and you have done your part.

4.  Make sure any item of great joy to you is purchased in unmarked cash with no paper trail.  This is effective when the other party states they never get anything nice….then you can say, " yeah, me either…" And they can never show it on paper.  The nice stuff you have just appears.  

5.  never take coinciding days off.  This allows for plenty of free time to enjoy your unmarked free things without stress…When you do take a day off, wait til the last minute to mark it on the calendar.  That way, there will be no interference due to short notice.  Any extra vacation days should be secretly taken for yourself.  This allows for not having to take extra days with the family or doing any outside family needs such as; kid's Dr. appointments, a short 3 day vacation, a fun day off….
***gravy,  your days are your days.   you can claim you just don't have any extra vacation days. (Always make sure to save a few secret days in case best friend wants to go on Fri-Mon quick trip to Vegas, then plead you never said you had no more vacation days,and put out ,"you are crazy" card from tone set in beginning of plan.

6.  Wear your shittiest outfits when going out….my favorite I've seen lately:  Hoody, ripped jeans leather jacket over hoody and Trashy baseball hat.  Wear this even when its date night.   State you have no nice clothes, or "who the hell cares"….that way, you may not get asked again, which leaves you more time to yourself.
***gravy, pull out your best duds when you know they are unable to go out…but you have to "make that appearance"…. and state, "I have to go, we were invited months ago, I wish you weren't working"

7.  Stop doing any housework, except for things you secretly enjoy doing, like shoveling….then when asked, state" Jeesus, I do all the Shoveling (or snow blowing)"

These few minor steps should get you started.  
Enjoy your end results.  
Feel free to leave any extras in the comments.

****gravy

xo,
m
(written tongue in cheek, seriously)

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