Thursday, July 19, 2012

Elastic Running Shorts

We are going to now discuss something not many discuss.  Although I took a minute and googled it, so if you think I am some kind of freak….you are , well, right…but wrong.

This morning when I woke I thought to my slightly hung over self," You need to get up and run before it's 110 degrees out"
Yes, yes I do.  Then the arguing in my head, which I believe most runners do began.  "well, it is 6:10 am.  I'll just relax a bit more."
6:50 am, I could pick out paint colors for Olive's room.  Or how about I go vacuum the basement and finish up the laundry?  
ok, ok…I'm up, but wait a minute.  When did I poop last?  I can't remember.  And although men do not understand this concept, I can't always remember when I pooed last because sometimes it is 3 days back.  Hmmmm?  I worked the last 3 days.  I know I didn't poop at work, that is impossible.  Was it Monday? No wait, it must have been Tuesday because we ate at the burrito place Monday night.  Almost 3 day ago.  I can't run if I don't poo first and 3 days of poo…now that is bad business.
7:15 am, let me have some coffee and see.  Ok.  Coffee, Facebook, think about it…and presto.  Off to the bathroom.  I unload and think:  good, but that was not nearly 3 days worth, but I pooed so I should be ok for at least 3.5 miles.  There is a bathroom at the Lake.
Shoes on, poop flushed, 7:55 am and 75 degrees out…let's get a move on lazy ass.

I get to the lake and feel good.  I put on Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast set my Nike + look for my friend Kris…(she's not there, but I always look)…and off I go.  I run a quarter of a mile and turn and decide to go the other direction around the Lake because I know the bathroom is closer….you know, just in case.

I run slow and steady.  The sound of Bill Burr in one ear and the crunchy gravel in the other.  The sky is clear and the mountains are visible for a change since the fires.  I run one mile, two miles.  My Nike says " Halfway point".  I'm on the farside of the lake, I'm keeping pace, sweating and wondering if all this working out is even worth it.  I'd rather be drinking Mimosas and eating a breakfast burrito.  Then I feel it.  Mile 2.75  a grumble, not in my stomach, but a little lower.  my mind begins to panic and my butt begins to tighten.   
No… Not on this side of the lake.  there is nothing here but wide open space, walkers and prairie dogs.  
I try to focus on what I'm listening to on my iPod .  This happens often, it gurgles then it recedes and I can make it to where I need to be before it lets loose.  I KNEW it…that was not enough this morning!…It's ok, I'll make it to the bathroom.  So, like the little engine that could I started the mantra.  You can make it You can make it ….I started looking at the prairie dog holes as options.  How rude would that be?  jeez.  I was looking at each sage brush as I passed by, "would anyone notice if I just shat right there?"  
Gurgle Gurgle
Argh…shit,…I'm not going to make it…I have to NOT think about this it's only 1 more mile to the bathroom …Don't fart, dont break wind….don't pass anyone…just clench and run, clench and run, 
Stupid Burrito…I don't care if it was 3 days ago, because I know it was the culprit.
As I eased around the lake and hit the welcoming sidewalk I could see the bathroom…"you can do it…don't think, "   As soon as I start thinking about not thinking about pooping. I decide I better walk so that I can clench better.  But then it takes longer to get to the bathroom…GurGle.  
I feel a little toot coming on.  No, No….that is NOT a toot.  don't even think if you toot that will relieve the pressure.  But my mind said one thing and my bodily functions said another.  
I just want you to know.  I made it to the bathroom.

The door was locked.
I was wearing running shorts with a pair of underwear on and they also had their own underwear sewn in with elastic cinched type leg holes.

I need these

I am thankful for the elastic pantaloons.  I am not thankful for the Burrito.  I would say my pride is hurt, but actually I kind of laughed to myself.  
Everyone poops.
Now maybe not in their running shorts at mile 3, but "shit happens'…and it was just a bit, tiny…you know…a warning for next time.  " Make sure you are done pooping before you run"

Seriously, it is

write ya later

PS…click the links…

No comments: