Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Karma Lane

I'm Pissed.  I haven't had a pissy post for a while so I guess I will now play catch up.  I guess I am at a point in my life where I just can't find balance.  My heart and mind are broken for my teen who is struggling and I can't control it.  I am watching him fail and it is killing me.  It would be one thing if he was enjoying himself as he failed but he is miserable.  He sent me a scathing letter, hand written, about how I put too much pressure on him, and he is correct.  I want more for him.  I want him to prove his step dad wrong.  He is my first born and I love him more than life itself…and hoped his life, at this point, would be full of fun and adventure, with friends and activity.  I try to step back then it gets worse.  I feel like I am his only advocate…but he cannot see this.  His dad stands by, the perfect weekend dad.  Buying him whatever he needs and wants, His stepdad, out of touch with the times and still trying to govern from 1972, and me, trying to keep my life and mental status together.  I make an effort every day to not say anything stressful…then BAM, everyone suffers.
I have an 8 year old who spends all day pouting because she has to empty the dishwasher or brush her teeth.  Even the best days are quickly destroyed with her tears and anger.  But only to me.  Bob says she never acts like that with him.  So my school mornings are hell.  I would rather be at work, and that is sad.
My personal life is secluded by default.  By default of a schedule which allows me no personal time.  My days off are spent organizing the entire week to help the kids have an easier life, to not have to walk on eggshells, apparently to no avail.  Emotionally, I have checked out and only occasionally check back in to feel anger and hatred.  What a way to live.  If I occasionally check out long enough I get a feeling of relief and calmness.  A kind of "fine, I don't give a shit, do it yourself" feeling.  If I put myself first, which a mother/wife is never to do, the guilt is so enormous I can hardly get out of bed the next day.  This guilt stays with me, but the longer the check out period, the easier it gets.
I have stopped asking questions or participating in life. My adult dreams have taken a seat in the back of the bus to wait until I can manage.  This was never what I had in mind, ever.  This is something I should be able to change, easily.  It is so easy for the outside to judge my life by what little they know and what they see, and to say, " do this, do that. " yet to me, Karma is the one I have become a pro at dealing with.
I let her manage my karma points as she sees fit.
I was warned as a young teen that all that I do, will come back to haunt me as an adult.  Most likely three times over.  I can count those 3 times they come home every afternoon to test my strengths…and all the love in the world I have for them cannot change the path.  My path is in front of me, not behind me, and I can only continue to move forward at an even slow pace, attempting not to upset the stacked stones around me until the time is right for doing what is right for me.
I only hope that the right time won't be too late for my soul.  Because that soul has not much left to it.
There is no pity party here.  It is a realization I have had for quite a while that the decisions I have made are my own and they have happened for a reason.  Maybe it is to test my strength, to prove something.  I like to believe there is some sort of reward when the time is right.  A time when I can walk free and be proud.  To speak my mind and show the inner strength before the outer strength.
only time will tell.


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