Thursday, March 6, 2014

Damn Boobs

I never win anything, but last week I did.  I won a call back for a second mammogram.
I know, I know...it eventually happens to everyone.  At least that is what I've been told.
They called me at work to tell me they found some Microcalcifications in my right boob, could I please schedule a follow appointment as soon as possible.

Uhmmmm
ok

so after a quick 20 minutes of googling I decided to make the appointment and not worry too much, after all...everyone eventually gets a call back.

I called a few people, whom I consider friends, and they all said the same thing, "Don't worry.  It's scary but I had to do the same thing and it was ok...Benign, nothing."

i took that info for what it was worth, continued to google my situation and decided to not fear the reaper until I had heard his tap.

Yesterday I calmly drove myself to the Woman's Center, followed the kind receptionists directions to clean under my armpits and breasts, put on the soft pink flannel robe, and head into the nice serene waiting room.  I sat there with 2 other woman who looked put out by their yearly mammogram.  All of us sitting in our pink robes with our tell tale signs of what we do for work peeking out.  The lady next to me with her nice slacks and expensive boots, next to her a set of scrub pants and clogs, and next to her, yoga pants and well manicured toenails.  All of us waiting to stroll into the next room.

"Myssi?"
Yeah, yeah...I'm ready.

The clean little room was familiar, seeing how I had just been here 1 week ago.  The radiologist tech asked me if I understood why I was here.
Yes, although I did not do too well in the cancer part of nursing school or radiology if you want to know so could you refresh me.

" They, meaning the Drs found a cluster of little calcifications on your breast.  they are tiny and grouped together like a constellation.  If they were big dots and even on both sides we wouldn't think anything, we would assume that is what your body does as it ages.  But since yours is grouped the way it is and we know it showed up within the last 4 years we want to get a magnified picture and look"

Ok.  Got it.
She was beyond kind as we smashed my boob every which way to Friday.  I chuckled as she grabbed my nipple and stretched my boob to it's limit and smashed to tissue paper thickness.  She smiled and said, "Well, I'm going to ask you not to get dressed and head back to the waiting area while I have the radiologist look at your slides"
I waited....
I waited 30 minutes...then 45 minutes...ladies came and went ...smiling....what about me?
shew...here she comes.
"Myssi?  The Dr wants to get one more view"
what?  my poor boob.  Ok  Back in.  this time she asks me to get on a table and throw my boob up onto a boob table and she smashes it from my armpit down.   Ouchie.  
"That should be good, lets have you go back out to the waiting area. "
wait , wait, wait....30 minutes more
"myssi?....I just want you to know that the radiologist wanted to call another dr for your slides.  Please don't worry, they just want to look them over together."

OK...don't worry...
The lady next to me, reading an old National Geographic, leaned over and said "First Callback?....Don't be too scared, remember it's only breast.  I'm on a callback too"

Another 30 minutes passed and the RN came out and waved me to the partition.   "Myssi, the Dr. would like you to come to his office so that we can talk to you.  We usually let people get dressed but he has the other Dr on the phone conferenced in, so let's just head over there now."  she smiles and puts her hand on my back.
Do I panic now?  No.  Be strong...it's just the office....nothing ever good happens when you get called to the office...ever.
The office was dark and tight, 5 big screens of my boobs were on the desk top monitor.  Wow...they look good lit up like that, nice shape....
"Have a seat.  Dr Booby, Myssi is here as is the RN I think we can talk now."
"So, your last mammo was about 4 years ago.  And just for the record you did nothing wrong by not having a yearly mammo.  There was no indication that you would have needed another.  Here is your last one up against your new ones."
I looked at them.  4 years ago.  smashed boob with lots of spider web looking colors, nothing spectacular....the new one....there it was.
"Myssi do you see this?  This is new, it is clearly something.  Right here is the older one, right here is the exact same spot on the new slides....see these little dots?"

"Fuck me" under my breath.

"We (the Doctors) have discussed this together so that we could give you the best advice.  Now most of the time, 85% of these are nothing.  We would just suggest a sit and wait for 6 months then get another mammogram and see if it changes.  But because of the shape and the time frame of us not knowing if this happened 6 months after your last mammogram or last year we suggest we don't delay any more treatment."  I sat in dumbfounded silence.  Smiling..."yes, ok...yup...that sounds reasonable"  "Our scheduling team is here today.  Joy, can you walk her over to scheduling and get her scheduled in?  Myssi, the biopsy may very likely show nothing.  It often does.  But we should make sure and get a definitive answer.  If it is cancer/precancerous cells we can start treatment quickly."  The Dr on the phone said " It would be our best advice for you right now, But please don't worry."
Ok...thank you Drs...thanks...
No tears or thoughts...i just told them thank you.
The Rn gently put her hand on my back and took me to the dressing rooms, " Let's get you dressed.  Take your time, you are my only patient today so I'll wait for you in the waiting area and we will get you scheduled.
I sat down on the pretty bench in the dressing room.  wow, really?  What happened to me having an early life heart attack?  How about that stroke I keep talking to my cholesterol levels about?  Really ?Breast Cancer?  That is stupid.  That was not on the table!
I got dressed and shook my head at the mess I was looking at in the mirror.  Ridiculous.
We scheduled the appointment for the biopsy. I was surprised how quickly they got me in.  literally in less than 4 days.  "We always keep a few slots open for callbacks"  Good, I guess...She handed me a pamphlet on breast cancer and biopsies and a phone number in case I needed to talk to someone...she handed me a list of things to do and not do before the procedure, and then looked me up and down and said , "you won't be able to workout for a week or so...or run, or lift...or whatever you do to stay fit.  We will see you next week."
That was it.  I said thank you, smiled and she took my arm and walked me from the office....like guiding a blind person.

the sun was blinding.
I sat in the car and looked at myself in the mirror.  wow...today was not the best day to give up drinking for Lent.

 haven't said anything.... I will wait for that Biopsy, which everyone online has assured me will be ok and it will show nothing.  But on the inside there is a bit of uneasiness.  A feeling of doom.

I put on my lipgloss, sunglasses, and drove myself to the brewery....where everyone knows my name :)   and had a beer and said nothing.


xo,
m



2 comments:

Lapetitemort said...

=(
~sending those vibes for it to be absolutely, positively nothing~

Queen of the Trailer Park said...

Not even sure of what to say...literally typed and erased 4 times...sorry you are going through this and I am praying that this ends up being nothing...just a blip on the radar that had everyone scrambling for a bit to make sure YOU get taken care of.
xo
P