Hey 3:10. Let’s Do This

 3:10 

I’ll sleep when I’m dead 

Been awake for about .... well a life time 

At least since 135 am

In that time I have perused the entire online Ikea catalog....

Thought out a new workout regimen which will undoubtedly change my life for the better...

Redecorated my bedroom, living room, and yard on Pinterest....

Learned how to macrame on YouTube....

And how to cut my own bangs, and give myself a mullet....which no one should ever do no matter how awesome the model makes it look.

I googled  “ how much sleep does a human need to survive average life” .... 

I learned, dying from sleep deprivation is rare ....

 well that’s good .

I’m not sure that fact is correct , but at this point I gotta go with the flow    If  for nothing else, at least for my self preservation, right.?

I used to have people from all over who I could text.... night owls.... 

night shifters .... 

other time zones .... 

but maybe.... 

possibly... 

they to, have died from lack of sleep 

I need a tiny light so that I can read at night.

I thought of going to the gym, but that just made me angry on the inside 

I thought of getting up and cleaning...

That had the same effect as gym 

Someone in one of my Nurse NYC groups commented it could be a little PTSD ( a little?.... is that a thing) 

I don’t feel stressed about COVID or me being a nurse or any of that so I’m not sure.... although I did stop sleeping after that..... 

but being a nurse was the least stressful thing in my life then and maybe now.  

Instead ..... I’m painting my toenails at 5am and drinking coffee and watching the sunrise again 

Life is good in its own way 

I hope you are sleeping well 

Write ya later

M

No explanation

 It’s been a week or 2.   I don’t know or care.   

Life goes on .   

 Thankfully,  it does.

Today I spoke to Ashton’s mom. She lost her child and I have stayed awake every night for almost 2 years reliving that morning and phone call and day and weeks after.   My child lived.   Hers died.   Later to realize my child actually died on that day too .... and has been living an interim.    It’s not like he hasn’t told us.  It’s  not like he hasn’t posted his hurt and feeling of death for over a year .... 

for the same amount of time ....

I have not slept.  I have left my heart and body and hoped for my own death .... over and over again 

I have been present and I know all the things I should do and be doing 

I work.  I care for people . I counsel. I express happiness for others achievements.   I love my lover and daughter ...

I do

But I’m dead to the world 

Sleeping 4 hours a night.   Waiting for the next call 

I’ll be ok.  I can’t control it.  It’s not my fault one is dead I can’t let another die 

My heart and mind hurt 

This fight is winning 

M