I used to do a picture a day....I'm not sure I can anymore because my life is pretty non picturesque ...but I'm starting today
2/4/19
This is a knitted sock I have been working on forever . I’m starting to think this sock is a metaphor for my life and current situation.
It's a sock, the colors are not great, there is nothing super special about it, it has taken forever to get to the point it's at, and the more I look at it, the more I realize that even if I finish it, I most likely will not make another one.
Unless ..... unless this turns out better than expected.
The funny thing is that I always, well, 98% of the time, finish things, even if it is not good. I have friends who quit, friends who rip things out and friends who just stuff it away in a drawer. All of those are viable answers, but for me, I have to see things through.
This sock contains many mistakes, each one I learned from.
I can see multiple just looking at that picture right there. Because I'm not done, I'm sure there will be more mistakes and lessons to learn in the near future with this ugly sock....
but I'll finish it....I've put quite a bit of effort into it all ready.
Hopefully when I am done, I will be able to know the mistakes I made, and will have learned how to not make those mistakes again, or at least as badly...
and when it's time to knit another sock....
it may not be perfect, but it will be better.
It's a guarantee, because I do pay attention.
I learned this about myself. I'm a pain in the ass, and I often have been guilty of not following the pattern. This often causes problems, misunderstandings and dropped stitches. But it is honestly nothing that cannot be corrected with a little time, patience, sometimes some help from a friend or two, an occasional discussion, maybe a bit of a reworking and then some good old self forgiveness that you fucked it up by not following the directions or knitting rules.
I have a friend , Ashley ( I like to call her lovingly, Snatchly)... she says to me, "the pattern is just a suggested guide, you only learn by veering off a little bit once in a while....happy little mistakes"
happy little mistakes.
( I think she got that from Bob Ross)
( from Etsy.com somewhere)
There have only been a few knitting projects I absolutely hated and pulled apart in despair.
I destroyed them....
yup, my fault entirely...
Frustrated and confused with the most simple projects, I destroyed them, and there was no fixing them.
As sad as it is to have wasted all that beautiful yarn and time, sometimes you just can't go back and reknit it anymore. The yarn is too stretched or bumped and becomes ugly and just won't work. It is never as pretty as it should have been.
Maybe the best thing to do is, not throw it away, but to carefully unknit it....rinse it in cool water, ball it all up nicely and give it to someone who can take the time to appreciate it again and make it work.
Really make it work.
It's only fair.
The last bit about that sock up there, and all the other socks I have tried and failed so miserably;
I can't be mad at myself. No one is ever that great at something new. It takes practice, and stupid mistakes happen, like forgetting to count the stitches and place the important markers right where they need to be so you don't get off track.
Just remember, you can do better with practice and a little help from friends, and youTube.
What would you think if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me? lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song and i'll try not to sing out of key. Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends What do i do when my love is away (does it worry you to be alone?) how do i feel by the end of the day, (are you sad because you're on your own?) No, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends Do you need anybody i need somebody to love could it be anybody i want somebody to love. Would you believe in a love at first sight yes, i'm certain that it happens all the time what do you see when you turn out the light i can't tell you but i know it's mine, Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends Do you need anybody i just need someone to love could it be anybody i want somebody to love. Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends with a little help from my friends.
As you have guessed it's not all kittens and cotton candy, although that sounds quite perfect as long as you throw in a sloth or two...and beer.
I spend a lot of time telling my 14 year old to give me a break. No one is looking at me. So, I am often found in my normal element of no makeup, freckles, really really bad hair and sometimes dirty yard work clothes. It's ok, I say. This is reality and I'm really starting to enjoy it.
It's not like I'm going t the grocery in my sleep pants and fuzzy slippers....
but sometimes, I pass on the fake eyelashes and deodorant.
Don't worry about it....it's a very slim chance you will ever have to get near me.
I met a wonderful person who once said that I just didn't realize how pretty my features are ( or something to that effect). It's probably true. I'm one of those people who goes around with the guys all the time, laughing, cussing cracking jokes and drinking beer. I think I look great all the time....the kind of looking great where you think "I look better than 87% of the people around here" then you see the damn evidence. The pictures .....Bwahahahaha. girl what you been smokin?
here is my answer ....just glance at the pictures, put them in a file and look at them next year....then you will say, "Shit, I was cute!!!! What was I worried about? I'm hot, and I looked so young!"
The key, don't dwell because pictures are flat, and very seldom does a photo capture your beauty and personality. Right? right.
These are my motorcycle guys....my gang. I'm guessing they don't care what I look like. They never say I look bad or good...just "hey, want a beer?"
My kind of guys.
Here's my kid, Olive. She's 14 and thinks she is the bomb. She reinforces that I am quite awesome too, until I'm not awesome and I am instead embarrassing. But I really can't please everyone. I love embarrassing her. She's like a puppy, no matter what you do she still loves you....At least at this point.
This is me in my happy spot, meaning the beach and ocean. I believe I was a mermaid in a past life, or super rich where as I vacationed everywhere I wanted , which included every beach.
I think I look fabulous in this picture.
I would also like to say I am off IG for a while. It has taken up too much of my time, and there were a few issues. Ill be back. I'm hoping to get my humor back and to bring it back into my life.
The key to my humor is zero fucks given. zero , zip.... I gotta get there, again.
I will.
xo
write ya later,
m
I don't think the person who lifted my spirits in ways they will never know in the past year reads this and for that I am grateful. I don't think I shined from the inside like that in a really long time and people noticed. They have also noticed now that that person has moved on due to life changes and I'm glad for them they are able to move on and forward. Like I told another great friend....I'm here, I always am. People come back to me like homing pigeons. I'm good for their souls. I am crazy, but I am loving and I am a good friend. I am an amazing friend, often much better than the friendships they supply to me. It's all good though, because I love them.
Let me tell you something.... I love my body.... I'm 46 years old, and that is closer to 50 than 40... Although at our age, 40 is irrelevant too. I'm small. I'm 5' and under 114#. But I work at it. I run. I work out ( occasionally) I have a fear of gaining weight, middle age weight, fuck you. I hear you.... I hear you saying, " you will never be big ". Well let me tell you something. I enjoy eating. I run so that I can drink beer. Every time I run, I look at calories burned and drink and eat accordingly. Up to this date I have friends whom have never ever seen me eat solid food.
I stood in front of the mirror yesterday and said ....word for word, "I look ok...my boobs are saggy, my nipples are probably too big due to breast feeding, my tummy is still pretty sexy, my labia not as pert as it once was.....but all in all.... When Walmart compared....nice. "
So I listen to my middle aged friends, male, Talking about women.....their wives. Etc.... Wtf? Do we talk about the men like that? We love a rock hard big penised man....but we also love a soft big belly man.....penis or no penis. Are they nice? awesome...funny? better yet...I'll take Him!
I'll never understand my mentality that I'm not ok....
Why am I not ok?
This, of course is the big hoopla of Cindy Crawford.. Super model 48 years old, no photo retouch
gorgeous....I agreee.... she has a lot going for her without the photo retouch
very nice....
this is me
46.5 years old... 2 big fat kids and absolutely no photo retouch or good lighting
no photo retouch
46 years old.
I criticize myself every day.and I'm not some sort of gym rat....
this is just a few push ups, and a run around the block three times a week
am I happy ??
no
does my husband think I'm Cindy Crawford?
No
does he look at other woman
yes.
It's just our own mentality.
this is what this 46 year old looks like.....
I may not be the norm...
but this is it.
Ive had 2 very large kids and I'm 5' tall
it is what it is.
I'm not ashamed, but I want you to know I do work at eating healthy and satying active.
But this does not make me happy
I want you ro know what I hate.
judge and talk amongst our friends .... its ok. tell me too.
I hate the way my boobs sag. I hate that my nipples are too big.
My vagina.... I had two almost 10# kids, ....my vagina adjusted, I did not....
chin hair? oh please... it sucks.
but my calves? they are nice....
my abs? not bad...I'm guessing genetics.
but still
at 46.5........ i'm still uneasey
It pains me to post the pics, but I want other people to see that it happens, it happens quickly and they are not alone.
Although Ilin B has not come to terms, nor most likely will he ever come to terms with it, he still lets me take pics for documenting.
People always tell him to "just go bald"
He hates it.
As he points out, this is not "normal bald, this is odd bald"
Here is one of the only patches of hair that grows on the back side. The front he has not cut for 3 years.
You can see how smooth it is….you can also see the Native American he has in him with that nose. Funny how 1/4 of Cherokee, or whatever it was passed right down from his dad.
Any other small hair growth is white and fuzzy, like duck baby feathers.
He told me last night he hasn't shaved his head in 4 months, and this is it.
So the Dr was probably right. He is heading to Total Alopecia.
I try to not discuss my beliefs as such, but you kind of bring it out.
People often judge me so I tend to keep quiet.
I honestly believe doing is the action.
Its so hard for me to watch people go to church 3 times a week and
have someone tell them what to do, read, or judge. I do know everyone
has their own way of being strong... I just can't buy into it. It
kills me. Some/ most never ever put into action any sort of goodness
into the world short of their congregation . They tithe their own
people. They condemn. I understand they are " building an army".
But is it really right? I can't say anything...all I can do is be
quiet and do good and when people ask my belief all I can say is to do
the best I can do right now.
Every day I make conscious desicions to change the world... Baby
steps, from not using plastic bags to donating to local charities ...
But I really try to do... Do to be an example . Yes I'm vegetarian
but I won't preach, I just feel the world can do without all the
manufactured feed and killing . It's baby steps
I find great inner love for mankind when I do this silly stuff....
Even more when someone turns to me and says that's awesome, let me
help.
It's the power of one
It's awful lonely, but every day I meet another person that smiles at
me for no reason and I know they too believe in the power of one
It's Sunday and I'm trying desperately to get things in order. Went to Synda's last night and drank wine, ate yummy fondue, and talked about stupid things girls talk about...yakety yak. We decided that I need to do a 365 day blog. Hmmm what could it be? what could it be to help me be more creative in my mind and help my self ???? We came up with the idea of Picture and a Positive Thought/Post. It will require me to take a self portrait everyday and post. Regardless if I like the picture or not. You see. I really have no pictures of myself. I hate pictures of myself. I destroy them all and I thought that Maybe, just maybe , if I HAD to take pictures of myself and look at them it would help....and maybe be a bit cathartic. A little something for the soul...and maybe even help some other people realize that it is what it is...not what photoshop makes it. Beauty, humor, intelligence can not always be fixed with photoshop. Don't get me wrong... I believe photoshop can fix many a things; ie: old lady skin, chicken necks and the big red zit in the middle of your forehead...but it can't fix what the world feels when it sees you. xoxo m
I used to be self centered and get worked into a frenzy about the weirdest things. I remember, at one point in my life, I actually moved the garbage can to right under the mail slot and never looked back. I actually had to have friends come and help pay bills and put food in the fridge. Look, I'm honest, I had a nervous breakdown....and you wanna know the worst part?... I had a 2 year old at the time. After losing about 25 pounds on a 5 foot frame and choking down intermittent Xanax from my mom, who actually was so concerned she sent them in the mail with directions written in big letters on a napkin ( I should have kept that letter), I dragged my bony ass to the family doctor.
I got the help I needed to get through it. It did NOT include Xanax, sadly enough, but did include Paxil...and I took it religiously until, as the doctor had nicely told me, " Until maybe you think you can open the mail again. It won't take long, Myssi, you will be ok." I didn't really believe him at that point but I had to put my trust in something, it might as well be Paxil. In the time period working up to the Breakdown...My husband left me, and not just left me, but packed everything up while I was at work and when I walked in the door he handed me the baby and said,"gotta go, can't live like this." That is sooo good for a gals moral...anyways...that happened, my dad died, my brother died of AIDS and I honestly thought my life was over.
Jeesus Crackers I was an idiot.
Everything happens for a reason. I finally realized this. It took strength from my friends, the death of my mother and the inner strength I actually found in myself. I realized the world is not about me, but about the energy I put into it...the kindness I put out there and the compassion I can instill. I don't dwell on the things I can't control...like the example in the post below...or the fact I cannot be anyone's, including the man I love, only thing in life. I have learned to focus on what I can do for myself and the power I can bring to others with encouragement. This world is an amazing place if you let the sun shine in.
This came to me today when the gal who sits in front of me brought up the fact her mom died one year ago of Renal Failure....she started to cry, and I started to cry...the class was uncomfortable but I just said,"Lord have mercy...someone get her some Kleenex and me too ...Lord what a bunch of blithering fools we are...how are we going to be nurses if we cry at every damn thing that happens ?" She laughed, I laughed and the class laughed. It's ok to feel pain and sadness...sad things happen and you should cry. But you should also find the beauty in the sadness. It happened and lives changed and we moved forward.... we cry for ourselves and the things we have lost. We don't often cry for the pain the person was in...we cry because we weren't ready for the loss and this is something we should think about.
I don't get freaked out anymore when traffic is making me late, or when things don't work out the way I thought. It is so minute compared to the big picture....so unimportant.
Take time to laugh and to try something new, endulge yourself in the unknown and do it with vigor and a smile on you face......and how about you bring a friend?...see what happens.
Lefthand Brewery...down the street, even the cat can't get enough.
See, these are the things that I deal with. I went inside for a few minutes to find a pencil and when I came back , Kitty was drinking my beer...that old stupid cat.
So here are a few pointers...
Don't drink and study...you NEVER EVER remember anything...
Don't drink and try to color and cut your own hair.
(color appears ok...bye bye grey)
(ok...I'm punk rawk what can I say)
Even though it often seems ok in a PMS fueled drinking binge, it never turns out ok. I have color down my back...I couldn't figure out how short I wanted the top and now...well Yes, my cheap ass has saved 52$ in cut but have lost a million in pride. I'm sure a can of mousse or hair wax can fix it...and maybe a few barrettes...and possibly some low lighting. Maybe the zit on my nose will distract the viewer?
Hmmmm? possibly?
The Pink Flamingos are growing well...
3 very small tomatoes have grown....There goes my plans of feeding my family for the remainder of the year off my home grown garden goods...oh well
I'm sure they are scrumptious.
well...gotta get back to studying...sorry I have nothing fabulously funny this evening...
