the story begins

*** rude offensive material will follow this disclaimer…



I lived with him for less than a year.  One of those inbetween things that is supposed to make you feel good.  'Live a little' they told me, so I did.  I'm sure I have done crazier things in my life.
He was out of character for me.  Good looking, dumb, and large in stature, all the recovery items one would need per my best girlfriends.
I worked nights, he worked days (when he worked) ,and sometimes we met in-between, sometimes we just passed each other as we moved along.  One evening I came home to find him passed out on the couch.  Not atypical for him.  I kicked the couch and there was no movement.  "Hey, big, stupid dummy…you sleeping on the couch?"  No answer…good.
I walked over to turn the computer off.  I touched the mouse and up popped a full screen shot of a girls pantied crotch.
Figures.  Little pink panties in a picture that was taken via cell phone under a table.  Very artsy, Big Dummy.  Not surprised I just shook my head and chalked it up to loserville.  I scrolled the picture down.  Oh Big Dummy, an open chat session,too.  How crafty and suave you are.
This is where one story ends and true heart break
 begins.  A heart break of a life time.

girl:I cant wait for you to get here, baby.  My body is all yours
big dummy:Soon, Mama, soon….just have to get a bit more money and Ill be all yours
BD:I hate this place, this house and her ugly ass meat curtains.
g:Oh baby, soon you will never have to see those again…..




What did that say?  What the fuck?  Meat curtains?  What is that?..me?  After a few googles later I had a pretty clear image of exactly what meat curtains were and my heart sank.
Cruel bastard.
Who would say such a thing?

Up to this perfect trifecta of a moment in my life I had never even thought about my private parts.  They were fine to me.  I haven't compared them to many, thinking everyone is different, right?  Apparently not. A person I was occasionally sleeping with thought I was disgusting and had explained, in detail ,why that was, to another person.  Eeek Gads!
I glanced at the couch and thought about killing him. Lorena Bobbit his ass.  But my arms were stiff at my sides.  I walked over, tapped him on the shoulder, then kicked the one leg which was hanging from the couch and said,"Get out of my house"……
"Get your asshole self out of my house!"
BD:  "Oh Baby, what the hell?  what are you talking about?  come on…."  He glanced over at the computer and didn't say a word.

"Get your shit, take your car, and get out"

There was no real fight, no discussion, he got his small amount of belongings and walked out the door.  Passive aggressively leaving the computer on with Miss Pink Panty, non meat curtains, staring at me.

The computer, he left it all wide open for me( no pun intended) so that I could spend the next 5 hours reading explicit emails about myself; my ugly, deformed self.  The beginning of a lifetime story I'll never recover from, but has put me on a road to laughing at myself and learning what ugly really is…..
and let me just tell you….
its not just about my private parts…my meat curtains.


stay tuned…
m

A long ago Meteor Shower of Love

from Katy Daisy Prints

The Perseid Meteor Shower made me think of love.  

Shooting stars, wishes, dark, warm nights....and if you have never experienced a meteor shower when you were with a fresh love then you have missed out.

I remember being in my 20's, in Atlanta and trusting of all.  We hopped into a car, the boy I was smitten with, and headed to Stone Mountain ( i believe that is where it was).   The night was warm, and back then, the further you got from downtown the clearer the night sky became.  It was very late and I remember him saying, " I want to show you something."  I was not from Atlanta, but he was...and he was full of knowledge.

He parked the truck and said, "come on."  I was afraid we were trespassing, and we probably were, but the South is known for trespassing and there were other trucks parked.  We walked down a treed path, dark as dark could be.  He held my hand, and with him, I was never afraid.  We walked for under a 1/4 mile I would guess, quietly giggling and shushing each other.  The path opened into a huge space.  A space surrounded by tall trees and kudzu and carpeted with warm dry grass.  The sky was black and the stars were like pinpoints of light....like glitter.... it was beautiful.  

"Can we be here?"

" We are all ready here."

He pulled me to the ground and said look, look at it all, and we are so close to the city.  Looking at the stars made life stop.  The vastness of it all yet being so close we could hear each other breathe. Life stopped rarely in my 20's, but this night was different.  The stars, the meteors, the locusts, the warmth, and the love that was forming between us...something only open, young hearts can experience.

"That is the Scorpion Tail and over there is Orion's Belt".  

"Is that the 3 Sisters?"  I asked as I pointed to the right.

"Yes"...

I remember never wanting to leave, never wanting to let go of his hand or his heart, and never thinking I would have to.

To this day I still think of that evening...and the many evenings he taught me beauty in a world which was moving way too fast.  The passion of the warm summer nights only 2 young hearts could find.  

The space from there to here is unforgiving and absolute.  

Time never stops now, it just keeps moving forward, passion lost in the mundane. Yet I find the time to look up and remember and to be thankful of the hearts on our sleeves and the meteors in that warm Atlanta summer sky.

xo

m

Broken Heart Syndrome...its real

Who would have thought it was real??

Takotsubo

About 70-80% of cases of Tako-tsubo Syndrome (TTS) occur in post-menopausal women under some form of extreme, exceptional and prolonged mental stress,... with no good way out, no relief and often feeling deep resentment.

I trained on the Telemetry floor yesterday.  (heart/cardiac)

Usually when you train, you train with someone...but yesterday, they were a bit busy, so the Charge Nurse said, "you can handle it.  I'll be your 'go to person'.  You take this lil ol lady, nothing really wrong with her, she just thinks she's having a heart attack"

OK...

I can handle it, I am a nurse.  I think quick on my feet.  I can wipe an ass just like the rest of them.

My patient:

83 year old lady...having chest pain, weighs 72 pounds with rocks in her pockets.

This patient did have an underlying problem.  She had an Aortic Aneurysm .  But that was not her real problem.

Her real problem was Takotsubo...the broken heart syndrome.

Saddest thing I've heard in a while.

She has a husband...He's 88, she's 83...She just had heart surgery 3 weeks ago they (the son) arranged for her to have a bit of home care after the surgery, where they come in and help you with meals or laundry...anything really...for a few hours a week.

The husband said NO...GET THEM OUT.

She told me, with tears in her eyes, "I need some help, I can't do everything anymore and he won't let anyone help me....I'm going to die."

Then she proceeded to tell me how she was a direct descendent of Queen Elizabeth and was invited to her arrival party when she came to the US a few years back.  Gilded invitation and everything....and her bastard hubby said, "If you go you won't have a house when you come back" .  That was when she was in her late 70's.

They have been married for 45 years.

She's dying of a broken heart...

It's not rocket science

It's common sense.

Love it or leave it....

Sometimes things aren't really funny.  I am the type of person who really just tries to find the light in the darkness.  I laugh at myself ....a lot.  I laugh at others, not in a rude way, just to brighten their day.  I try to let people see things aren't always so serious....yet sometimes it is very hard for me to take some things, which people feel are really serious, seriously, when I put them in the spectrum of my life or the Universe.  Often, when I do such things in my head I think, "What the hell?  Why are you so worried about such silly things...Japan is under water!"  But to actually express that to someone makes Myssi a "rude Bitch." 

So, that is how I roll, love it or leave it, and honestly, many people leave it.  

With that said, I have been spending many quality hours on my own.  I met a great man in a running group who has really been a mentor.  Encouraging when he he should be and scoldingly brutal when need be.  He set me on a schedule and has helped me see my strength again.  We talk when we run, which is nearly impossible for me, but it allows me to focus on breathing and to open up about my issues as I run.  To me, it is like a therapist in sneakers.  Over the past month I have been given some great thoughts from the outside world on how to maintain a bit of happiness at home, when sometimes it seems there is no way.  To not expect emotion from people who do not have that kind of emotion and to search for what makes me happy...and follow through. 

The follow through part has been the hard part.  With kids, it's not so easy.  I would love to travel nurse.  Really, I could take the entire family in the summer, but it doesn't seem feasible.  Bobby is lost in a job that is going nowhere,but through my running and talks I have found from a male point of view that is something he needs to conquer without my voice in his head.  He needs to be the bread winner and he cannot quit and do nothing.  He has to figure it out.  So, I will be quiet and let him do just that.

In the in-between, I am just trying to stay happy.  Be me.  Let my friends be them, and just not expect so much from people, except myself.  

I am strong, not everyone else has found their inner strength.

My goal is to not worry so much about bills and money and enjoy life as we have it right now and in the near future, because when it is all said and done, I want to say I did that...and had some fun.

write ya later

m

watering the drive in your underwear

I grew up with an unavailable Father.  It wasn't by his choice, it was the luck of the draw.  Either that, or too much aluminum in his food.

A combination of a few things related to the time I was raised, and the Alzheimer's, has made me unavailable, in life, also.

Recently I have heard I have a tough outer shell, that I can really be a cold, hearted, bitch...where is my compassion?

Maybe, just maybe, I lost my compassion.  I lost it somewhere between child hood and teen years.  I lost it sledding in the beautiful Michigan snow with my dad and picking him up at the guard house, in our gated community, after he had wondered off in his underwear .... and was found on the 3rd hole of the golf course, looking for golfballs.

Yes, golfballs .

 I became a non crier.  I became tough and I found a sense of humor.   I found my own defense mechanisms.  I never really thought much about friends coming over and seeing dad watering the driveway, instead of the grass, in his underwear.  

Hell, at least he had underwear on.  

My select group of friends knew the situation and dealt as well as they could, uncomfortably so, but dealt with it.  I believe it was because with the crazies at the Graves' house came quite a bit of unsupervised fun and a lot of adult parties.  Maybe it was because they liked me...but I never thought about that until recently.

I'm not sure I ever properly learned how to love.  Our household was busy with drama.  Stolen tires in the swimming pool, pot growing unknowingly in Mom's beautiful garden, locks changed on the doors too many times to count, and too many calls from the local jail.  Banned to a different room was my way of life growing up.  I wasn't to hear what was going on, but, Ohhhh what I heard and it formed my life.  All those brothers yet no real men in my life to form a proper identity as to what was right and what was wrong.

I never dated.  I tried.  I fell in love.  Yet there was no one to tell me what to do or not to do.  There was no father to bring this young man to meet.  By the time I was in that "too late young love" stage I was a goner.  The only deterrent I got from dating the guy was from my family who just stated they hated him and my gay brother who told me he once slept with him". Neither worked.... but as we all know, young love pans out, and the light shone bright.  Unfortunately, I will have to say, this first young love was the man who shaped my ideas of relationships and when this programming happens young, it is extremely hard to change.

No available father, crappy first loves, and a tough exterior, combined with that shitty sense of humor and here I am, at 42...still waiting.  Waiting to learn what is normal, when to give in and say this is as good as it gets or when to ask for more.  

Compassion?  I have a dog...I talk baby talk and kiss in-between his eyes...

Compassion? I clean peoples asses and tell them it's ok...I tell them I'll get them any type of pain medicine they want...not to worry.  

Compassion?....I speak to the dying and tell them its ok to go towards the light...I brush their hair before the family arrives.

The compassion has been sucked out of me.

Cold hearted bitch?  yea, probably, its a defense mechanism.

Little girl who stopped maturing at age 13, definitely...very much so.

write ya later

m

Letter to a friend... Power of one

I try to not discuss my beliefs as such, but you kind of bring it out.
 People often judge me so I tend to keep quiet.
I honestly believe doing is the action.
Its so hard for me to watch people go to church 3 times a week and
have someone tell them what to do, read, or judge.  I do know everyone
has their own way of being strong... I just can't buy into it.  It
kills me.  Some/ most never ever put into action any sort of goodness
into the world short of their congregation .  They tithe their own
people. They condemn.  I understand they are " building an army".
But is it really right?   I can't say anything...all I can do is be
quiet and do good and when people ask my belief all I can say is to do
the best I can do right now.
Every day I make conscious desicions to change the world... Baby
steps, from not using plastic bags to donating to local charities ...
But I really try to do... Do to be an example .  Yes I'm vegetarian
but I won't preach, I just feel the world can do without all the
manufactured feed and killing .  It's baby steps
I find great inner love for mankind when I do this silly stuff....
Even more when someone turns to me and says that's awesome, let me
help.
It's the power of one

It's awful lonely, but every day I meet another person that smiles at
me for no reason and I know they too believe in the power of one

Don't judge me for this...

My other Boyfriend, Anton...run!!!

Yesterday, as I thought where I am heading this year I started to panic.

Only I can choose my path and up to yesterday, my path choosing for the year had been lacking.

I was thinking that maybe I'm still on Hiatus from school, but can I still use that excuse one year later?  Is it Seasonal Affect Disorder?

Well, whatever excuse I may have, they are only excuses.

My body is begging me to start again, to be strong ...mind and soul, so that my legs may follow.

With that said, I put on my lil pink running shoes and headed out the door.  It was 32 degrees, not too cold for this time of year, and headed toward the lake.  As I rounded the corner to the lake I realized why I hate running.  It was windy at the Lake.  Yuk!  Blistering wind, but I kept going.  If I'm going to run with my new love Anton Krupicka ( I added his beautiful blog to the blog roll for inspiration) I must start running.   I made it a mere 3 miles.  Pitiful....but something.  The wind chill was 8.

So here is what I am seeing this year, and boy am I proud.

STM is doing pushups, La Petite is working out almost everyday, and people are "just doing it".  It makes me happy.

If you want, or possibly need, some beautiful inspiration which may be out of our reach as for what we can do right now, read HIS blog...but keep it in the back of your mind.  Think about what our bodies can do when given the chance and time.

He is like a mystical creature.  

A unicorn of runners.  He runs in with nothing but thin shoes, a small bottle of water and his old shorts.

He smiles as he passes and his smile glows with encouragement.

His body is lean yet strong.

We are not all cut out for Ultras, obviously...

but we are all cut out to move.

marriage material?

did you know ....? a flock of crows is called a Murder ?  creepy...

ok enough trivia

How and when did it happen? Where did it fall on the timeline of life?

That I may not be marry-able any more.

It's a sad realization.

I was very flattered today when a nurse at work pulled me aside and asked me if I was seeing anyone...or married.

"uuuuhhhmmmm, yes and no...but yes"

~nervous smile from nurse and a question mark~

"well, you see I'm with someone...but we aren't married, but we might as well be. you know, it's been a long time and such...no, he hasn't married me."

~What's wrong with the guy?...or aren't you marriage material?  (he smiles)

~I mean you look like a good catch to me~

Please hold, nurse guy, while I contemplate the hole you just shot into my heart by asking me if I was not marriage material, shithead.

but I am still flattered, because that is the kind of gal I am.

So I thought about it.  Bobby did hint towards marriage when we first met. Just as men are supposed to do.  6 months in...perfect timing.  I screeched NOOOOO, due to horrible divorce.  I stated I would never ever marry again...ever.

The law abiding citizen, known as Mr Smith, followed that law and never said a word about it again.  He bought a ring...and stated it was a friendship ring. 

Years went by.  

We had Olive.  

We bought a house.

We had huge fights. 

We had vacations. 

We lost family members. 

We had ups and downs.

He never asked again.

Ever.

Is it because he gets the milk for free?

I started thinking I want it now.

Maybe for security? 

Maybe for reassurance for my middle age body.

But I'm no longer marriage material.

It would be silly.  What we we do...have a wedding and ask for a plate service?

Whatever the case.  I aways consider myself married.  Its a common-law, which makes me sound trailer parkish. Nice.

If we split up we WOULD have to divorce, which makes me want a wedding even more...because that shit pisses me off.

I want you guys to know

that I am marry able...or was.

and girls...go for the wedding...

or you may regret it later...

as you contemplate why you never got married.

Do you remember?...

Remembering the first glance across the room.  

Feelings of awkwardness.  

It's so hard to tell what someone else is thinking.  

The first kiss. 

 Remembering.  

Was it what I expected?  

It must have been.  

Only remembering bits and pieces.

 

"Did I put out the first date?"

No, but we didn't live near each other...You don't remember do you?

"maybe I was drunk?"

Possibly, but I remember.

"Oh my god, now I feel bad...Were we in Vegas?"

Nevermind, Myssi...I came to visit you in Colorado.

"Oh Yeah,...Oh yeah...I remember"  (not really)..."Well, you must have done something right, honey."

I do remember the long phone calls and voicemails.

The : "Where are you...Why haven't you called!"

I remember the long emails and the short ones with 2 word responses.

I kept a box of all the cards you sent me from California.

You wrote everyday...sometimes twice a day.

You sent me a box of the little Hershey Kiss "flags", so that I would have little kisses from you everyday til you moved.  

That was crazy , because I now know you hate chocolate and you would have had to unwrap each one to get the little flag.

Man, the things we do for love....

in the beginning.

Now...

You make the coffee in the morning...you make it so that when I get up its still hot and it pours the exact amount into my go cup...I find this amazing.

You wash all the dishes except the pots and pans from the dinners when I go to work at night...and you wipe the counters off much better than I do.

You fill up my side of the beer fridge with my low carb beer, so that I don't get a big butt.

This is our love now.

Kisses?  bwahahahaha....

I stand in line with Olive to get my peck on the cheek.  

It's ok, I understand.

Things change.

It's ok...

I understand.

it's hard

Dear Life,

I love you.  You are hard to understand, but like I said, that doesn't mean I don't still like you.  You require me to do many things I don't enjoy, and I do them.  I don't ask many questions.  What do I get in return?

I have a knee which will not allow me to run the way I want.  You know, Lord forbid I have something I may enjoy.

I know, I know,  You gave me an awesome couple of kids.  One who never talks to me and one which starts berating me the minute she gets up.  How do you expect me to live through the teen age years?  Oh...yeah yeah, I'm sure you have something great planned for that too.

I have a man who apparently loves me, but its hard to tell...So I just keep on bugging him with my idle love chatter....hoping he will give in.

I also really enjoy how when things start to look up...You shoot it down with one bill or one small disaster...but don't think you can get rid of me that easily.  I can roll with the best of them.

The Universe is in charge of YOU and She and I are pretty tight, so even when you try to take the wind out my sail...she's got my back.  

Like I said, I do love you, Life...Right now I'm just a little pissed off at you.

Only as Strong as...

When I think of you I remember laughter. 

I remember bee stings and lady bugs, music and books.  Things that are no longer a part of my real life.  The first touches of real love, for me.  Giving me the knowledge to love and live, to think myself beautiful.  
You sang to me in front of people and looked only at me.
 Allowing me to feel love, no matter how long it took. You ran to me instead of away, spoke loudly and made me listen until I knew you would not leave.

It comes and goes, why can't it stay? 

20 years it has been and I still think about it.

It was not all ladybugs and Jane's Addiction. 
You scorned me and my heart broke. 
Bukowski became my reading. 
My heart learned quickly that nothing lasts, people are only as strong as their weakest point.  My weakest point would never be weak again. It was my heart.  You vanished, I ran away, leaving bits and pieces in an ugly trail of life lessons.  

People came.  People went, but I never believed in love again. I could not believe. I ruined lives, often including my own.

My heart gave in... Life seemed good, yet good was not good enough.  I was not good enough.  So, I closed my eyes and remembered...
Weakest point, weakest point. 
I need strength.
A strength that cannot come from me, my heart, or my past.  

I need belief or to be able to believe to grasp hold just so that i may let go.

Lessons continue to be taught in manners I choose not to acknowledge. Strength in strength from within and from what cannot be controlled.  Knowing it should work out in the end.
But,oh, what my head wouldn't give to tell my heart to let go, and be.

That feeling,
 that flutter,
the thought that it will never be felt again;
broken.

To live

Embrace me

I have been thinking 

Love has no boundaries

Entangled legs, nose to nose,

breath to breath

whispers,

"It's going to be ok, I'm right here,

I'll never let go"

To a Friend

I wish I could hand write this but no one writes on paper any more do they?  (I mean I do, but I would be scoffed at)

flikr photo by diane_pizzo

My dear friend,

Over time people change.  They grow, they learn, they move on to different things.  Hopefully, as we change we learn from our mistakes.  It's not always the case, but like they say, *if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.*

I know you are hurting, I wish I could take it all away, but that is impossible.  I was never invited into this, so I stay out.  I wish I knew what happened, so that I could have a talk with this other person...but that is not my business.  All I can do is listen, and hope , and try not to remember.  My arms are open, if you need a hug.  My shoulder is here, it is pretty strong, I can handle it.  

When I fall asleep at night I try to remember the good things, please try to do this.  My heart warms and I smile to myself...It's not going to always be like this.  People are hurtful, especially when scorned...You know this, and I know this too well.  

I asked you once if you still believe in  such a thing as  "true Love"?...You said "Hell Yeah!" with no hesitation.  That was a beautiful moment...That moment was the epitome of hope.  The skies opened and the sun shined in.

I've asked you to let it go, many times...You are not ready.  Calmness may be your answer.  People cannot fight against a calm soul.  There is no fight there.  It may take a while for them to realize, but there is no fight in a calm fight.  The fight they bring is their own anger, the anger towards their selves, for what they cannot have.  It is not about you. It is only effecting you. I think silence is sometimes the best fight for our hearts.  shhhhhh, be silent...let the fools make the noise.

You apparently are paying the price for whatever mistake you made, but I think it may be paid in full by now.  Monetarily, it is going to be a long haul, emotionally, rough...but it can end now if you just give in... and say, I'm done.  The little soul, who is left in-between will figure it out in the end.  It is a guarantee.  The world is not that cruel.

Friendships are limitless,borderless, and apparently timeless.