Gifted a damn bloom Orchid Bullshit compared to Life

Hey Oh, Hello

this happened last night.

My 79 cent orchid from the Kingsoopers throwaway bin

 in which I have been nursing back to health for a year...

bloomed.

My takeaway?

Keep caring, loving and doing

it'll happen

consistant and persistant

bwahahaha

that's dumb, but you get the drift.

On that note, my damn foot is hurting again.

I am trying to start training for a race and boom

foot pain

It's killing me on the inside because running was my way of clearing my mind.

even if I wasn't going far, it was mind clearing.

I have ordered some new running shoes and will be getting rid of all my others and see if that is the issue 

including my work Danskos

I am also going to start 

Yoga with Adrienne online.

I've been told that stretching may help my feet

how the fuck that works, I don't know.

I should know, because I am a nurse and I did take many years of anatomy and physiology

but my heel baffles me.

so, on the advice of some non medical person via Tok Tok, 

I will Yoga.

hey at least I'm following Yoga advice and not Joe Rogan's

I'll shut up now.

listen....

that Orchid?

Don't be scared of Orchids.

here's what you do

Bring home, 

get some orchid bark.

dump all the dirt out that it came in but keep that weird little plastic pot.

Make sure there is plenty of drainage....I cut slits in the sides too

clean of the roots and clip the nasty roots 

you can google this on Youtube

then rinse the roots, put in pot and put those bark chips around.

I then run the water through the pot and let it drain.

after the water has drained put back in decrative pot.

I place in a north facing window

it's by my kitchen sink so maybe it gets some humidity, I don't fucking know.

But I watch its leaves,  too much water they get weird and wrinkly soft, too little water, the same way

but don't panic 

just water like once a month...

and change those wood chips 

2x a year. 

and I always say watch a You Tube about it

but don't give up.

well even if you do 

it's just a fucking Orchid.

you can get another.

I'm gonna go Yoga

maybe I need to keep track of my yoga 

be accountable

let me see how day one goes

xo

m 

 

New Job....what could possibly go wrong?

Week 2.5 at the new job and today was what I consider a cluster.

Not the happy kind of cluster,
 like a yummy cluster of grapes,
 more like a conspiracy of lemurs or a cluster of angry bees.

To say the least, it was not pretty.  Not pretty at all.

New job:

Circulating RN in surgery for eyeballs.

Yeah, you got it...who the hell decides they want to be a nurse for eyeball doctors?

Well, I'll tell you who....the person who thinks, "sure, why not...? It's always good to try something new, learn a little, make more money...how hard can it be?"

Yeah

how hard could it be....?

I'm gonna say it is about as hard as trying to get out of a too tight sports bra after a 5 mile hot and sweaty run....

very hard....not graceful and a bit comical.

Good thing my skin is thick and I can fret and freak yet know that I can say ,"fuck it"... I don't know what I am doing and they can suck it.... period

and no one died....it's eyeballs, not brains or hearts....

EYEBALLS.

oh and no one went blind.

Typical of any job, they apparently feel that 2 weeks training is sufficient. Which I think is probably a good standard for pulling weeds or cleaning cat boxes, but sterile field?  Sheesh, I can barely get my thong underwear on in the correct direction,

 so maintaining sterile field with 10 people counting on you needs more than 2 weeks. 

One surgeon said to me....

"you ARE a nurse...you must have learned this at one point."

Well, yeah....and you are a doctor, you must have learned how to slam an IV into a neck vein in a hurry at some point too, but I'm guessing if I asked you to do it now it would be difficult...

But after all you are a Doctor.

butthole

With that said,

I am basically on my own on Monday, with one week training in the Operating Room....but, don't fear, I'm not doing the surgeries....so that is a plus....

but I am mixing all the medications and making sure all runs smooth.

Lord, 

My hair is going to fall out 

but just as in everything else...

this shit isn't going to conquer my ass

What do they say now?

"Not today, Death"

I got this,

at least I think I do.

write ya later,

m 

That is if I'm not crying in the bathroom at work

awkward

truth....

and awkward.  

yup, I admit I am, and always have been. 

I crack myself up....

I attempt things I have no business attempting....

I overthink....

I'm often at a loss at how to properly interact (although I will always try, and usually fail miserably).

Considered outgoing by friends but always in pure panic mode when out, which tends to accentuate the awkward....

Communication with me is often misinterpreted...even in text...and it makes people frustrated...

I fall down, whoops....

every picture of me, looks like I'm grimacing 

My friends spend a lot of time correcting my manners and shaking their heads....

I am used to it.

but others....

not so much.

14 Things You Should Know Before You Date  Hang Out with Someone Who’s Actually Awkward

click that link above...

(I believe they wrote that about me)

but I am fun...and funny.

I have touched on this story before....

A few years ago I was required to go to a Keith Urban thing.

One of those things I am not excited about, and actually become mortified, because :

1. backstage /green room is not as cool as people think it is ( believe me)

2. I am always stuck waiting like a groupie while the intermingling is going on...and I hate groupies...

plus they always look at me like "why are you here?"

3. for some reason there are ALWAYS posed, stupid pictures required.

We arrived a bit late with poor instructions as to how to get to Mr. Urban.  On the drive there, I was VERY clear on my rules....I will participate and be polite, I will attempt not to talk and say stupid shit accidentally, and under NO circumstances am I going to take a picture in that room.   I don't like Keith Urban and I hate pictures....is this understood?  seriously, no pictures....I will get up and walk out if you do that to me.  You know I will....

"stop being so ....you...It's fine...no pictures then.  Olive and I will take a picture"

fine

"fine"

We finally walk the length of what seemed to be 18 football fields and pass a group of giggling, chunky, cowgirls with bedazzled jeans and pink boots. As I stomped past the line of people waiting to get in, and followed B, who looked as if he was where he was supposed to be, the girls gave me the once over and a glare....

B stepped in front and looked in the gate and said..." well I guess we are too late"

Good ...I looked down at my bracelet and noticed it had a different mark on it than all the groupies.

I showed it to B and said, " hey...does this mean we are too old to stand in this line?" and I flashed it at the girl in the front....

she glared and said,

"Keith is done signing autographs"

"praise the lord", I said 

....let's go get a beer...and funnel cake.

B, looked through the gate and then at me and Olive and said...

"Its fine....let's go."

Walking off, I heard the girls giggling...." like they have some special pass, pfhhht "

We weren't 50 feet from the gate. and almost free as far as I could tell, when a guy , the guy who 4 minutes before slammed the gate and said "NO MORE", came ripping up behind us yelling , Mr. Smith!!! Mr. Smith!!! 

Keith is waiting for you!!!!   why didn't you say something?

(damnit....does Mr Urban have beer?)

B...no fucking pictures.  you promised....

We were escorted back to the front, through the large huddle of young women, and through the gate.  I flashed my bracelet at the girl in the front,

"Old people rule..."

she glared.

As usual, we were led to the room with fruit, water, snacks and comfy couches.  No groupies...just a few recording industry people and a body guard.  I stayed back because I knew exactly what was about to happen.  Keith looked over and came right up to B and shook his hand

"man, I almost missed ya"

they talked guitars and gear....he thanked B for the custom guitar he built for him.... "I love it , man.... I play it all the time"

Olive and I poked around the snack table...some person handing us water...offering fancy fruit....and a seat.

I whispered to the person, "where's the beer"

"He's clean" she whispered back ...."sober"....

I grimaced...Oh yeah, I said to her..".I saw that on TMZ"

she grimaced back.  

oops , awkward.

Before I had a minute to think straight I felt a hand on my back ....

"Hey Love, come on over here and lets get a snap"

??

I turned around and there he was ....

Handsome, short, and repeating himself....

"Let's get a snap"

nope....

I glare at B...then at Olive....who is smiling.

He turns to her and says, get your mom...lets get a nice snap.

I hate you....

not only am I grimacing....my shirt is see through.

mortifyingly awkward

"come on Mom...."

He put his arm around me and I leaned in, and for some reason took a deep smell of him...

loudly , but accidentally.

He smelled of pine trees and earth....and maybe Gain detergent....

I pictured Nicole Kidman doing his laundry and hanging it on the line in beautiful Australia....or Nashville....

Then Olive leans forward and says 

"Did you just Sniff Keith Urban?"

Why yes, yes I did....

*snap.*

I hate this picture more than anything.

ANYTHING....

my friends on social media think it is hysterical and every year for the past 3 years whenever this pops up on anyones social memories...

they post it.

"most awkward photo ever"

Just a tiny piece of my life.

there are many more ....

so, even though sometimes I may seem nuts....

I'm not really

just awkward...

and after the fact, it brings many people comedic relief.

makes people feel better about them selves when they hang out with me

Maybe this is why so many of my friends stick around or my old loves continue to never really leave, regardless of saying "I just can't"

I'm entertaining...

Unpredictably predictable 

awkward.

xo,

write ya later,

m

don't wear black to a photo shoot

and I am 

un-replaceable....

365 days : no gloves

2/6/19

no gloves,

safety socks from work.

Don't ever sell me short

picture ya later,

xo 

m

Kindness .....the simple answer

Some times things are just that....

"Simple"

As I have been doing my homework for therapy I have been struggling with how I can be better.

Not better as a person, because honestly I am a pretty great person...

but better in my abilities to help the ones I love be better people. (and to not sound like a twat, to also help me see the ways I have made mistakes and possibly not do them any more, or at least know that I am doing it)

Now we all know you cannot change a person, but with gentle encouragement one may be able to help a grown ass adult see the light in a different way.  Maybe shut up for a minute and say," wait a minute, I have never thought of it like that."

Granted , this is not a thing for teen to 37 year olds, but I think at about 40 or so, people are able to have some insight to life.

So, I came across this beautifully logical article and it just made sense.

PERFECT SENSE

Here is the mystical answer I was looking for.....

The Secret to Love is Just Kindness

link here to article

seems legit

As I read said article I got all antsy on the inside.  

YES!!!!

how many times in my life, to myself (under my breath), or to my partners and even to my kids....

JUST BE KIND.

BE KIND

So, in my struggle to figure out how I can be the best I can be for all the people I cross paths with and attempt to build people up instead of accidentally (or not) tear them down , I took this study to heart.

You can be kind or be an asshole and the relationships ,and I'm gonna guess this goes for not only lovers but friends too, which survive are the ones who are actively kind and responsive.

here is the part that hit me in the heart and made me say ..."this right here"

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that

The partner has a choice, read it again,..... a choice.   

Turn towards or away

acknowledge in a kind manner (regardless if you give a shit or not) or turn away.

I have been guilty of this.

I remember early on in my relationship I was so unsure and unsafe from the baggage I carried (and still carry) that I could not accept anything as truth.

"you are beautiful" was answered with "whatever" and thoughts of "they say that to everyone".

It was my answer to everything.

Even though this person, looking me in the eye, was saying it because they felt it.

I negated those feelings, I turned away, I did not connect.

This habit does not make for a relationship of trust and love.

I am only going to point out that one thing. There were many, and they came back like shots in a war zone.  I will not talk about the other person, because he did what he did to protect his heart.

18 years now and we still turn away and I know we are doing it.

Even when we try to be kind, I feel it and I question it, now in the back of my head...."he's just saying that because the therapist told him to" or "he knows I'm upset so he is trying to back track"

I never think

"he loves me"

can you see the problem here?

Moving forward with a smile, I am, at 50, learning to accept responsibility and the love people can offer and give it back.  There is no reason for me to be a dick to people anymore, and honestly there never was a reason. My wings were never broken they were just not fully expanded and now they are. I know my faults and I hope people reading this will understand their faults too.

That pointing out people's ugly traits to their faces is not always the best in the long run.

be kind.

love hard

listen 

touch

and 

don't wait to tell someone their good things 

and be understanding that your bad things....

they can be fixed 

I believe in you

and me

just listen.... so far from ok...........

little changes, let us make.

xo,

m

Oh no you didn't

Note to anyone visiting someone in the hospital.

Do not bring your ukulele unless you are this guy:

When someone asks a nurse, "may we bring a little music therapy" the nurse should double think, and or question the person asking, do NOT, and I repeat do NOT, just yell, "sure sounds great" as you dash by the room, praising God that you may not have to go in there for a bit now.

20 minutes later I had a senior citizen, belly aching, jam session going on, door wide open and high pitched yodels streaming from the curtained room.  

There was not even a door to close.

I peeked around the curtain and sure as shit....3 ukuleles, grey hairs and one in the bed smiling like the Cheshire Cat.

WHAT HAVE I DONE? 

my co workers looked at me with hatred.

Jesus Christ....I had no idea they meant this.  I thought iPhone and at worst , Michael Buble'.

so, my advice is ....just don't be that nurse.

Say Absolutely Fucking NOT.  

no therapy....no

thank me later,

m

Dead Mouse? Deadmau5...it's all Halloween to Me

Some of you have seen this costume I have been working on for Ilin, I have been posting my tortuous updates on facebook. It has been a hard one, but only because I have never thought of trying anything like it before.  Now that I have done it, I can think of all kind of masks I could make.  Next year I am going to try the creatures from "Where the Wild Things Are" ...or maybe a big Stewie (Family Guy) head.

Here's the short version of how he came together.

It all started with a 24 inch hamster plastic ball.  We cut the neck hole, made ears with metal strapping and foam, then spray glued the foam on the plastic ball.

We made our first mistake here:

We put the screen for the mouth on at this point!  NOOOO

we should have done that last.

After that we got the super stretchy velvet from Hancock Fabric. (7.25/yard got 2 yards)

covered ears, then started head.  this was very difficult.  Had never done such a thing.

Learned after the fact , again that if I had done it in 2 pieces, starting at upper lip, up and done just half the sphere at a time it would have been better.

Next time.

Pins Pins and more pins, 

tears tears and more tears....

this took me about 7 hours.  I spray glued as I went.

it sucked

By the time Jon Stewart was on. I had this.

the next hard part was the lip.  It MUST have a lip (from what the 13 year old was barking at me)  It's no good and considered crap if it has no lip.

So, we had to cut a piece of fun foam and put it where the lip is and try to streeeeetch the fabric over it.  I had to hand stitch it to the screen.

Now, it I hadn't put the screen in it would have been much easier.

At this point, the kid did the eyes with the styrofoam balls hollowed out and little LED lights with battery back.

Almost done!!! I have to finish up around the ears and the that is it!  Not perfect, but good.

The kid said I can wear it on Friday night when I go out. 

here's the original:

It's huge...3 feet+ ear span!

I gotta get some rest, Halloween is killing me.

xo,

M