I Got Your Back..... Bullshit

So, it's been a bit .....

closer to a year than not

If you have been reading this blog for a while you pretty much know my jam. my humor, my kids, my knitting, my marriage....or non marriage.

19 years....

I finally made a decision and I am going to take the time to do a bit of discussion as a 51 year old woman going through a divorce in which I was the instigater of.

People change

We all deserve happiness

We don't have to just stay because...anymore

I spent 22 years caring for a beautiful family,,,,

in that time I went to school  (twice) waitress to bachelors of science degreee....
becoming a nurse with insurance etc.

all with a couple of kids and working full time.

I loved, I supported, I had great friends and family....

I had a marriage.

It was beautiful....we laughed, we rode motos , we saw bands....

we traveled, cared for kids....

but people change 

and that is OK

I have always been a person who needs others.

I grew up in a huge family with my brothers always around.

Someone always loved me

As I went through my years I was always the independent girl...but deep down I needed love, touch, acknowledgment 

I still do.

some people like to say,

"Take a break....be alone ....love yourself"

nope...

I love love

I love being WITH someone 

I WANT to be with someone who desires to be with me.

now that we have that clear.

I'm getting a divorce.  OMG.  

we all deserve happiness.... I have no hatred....

I just want to be with people who want me....who build me up....

who want to have fun

who love and love life.

and love others.....

so, people change

I have many friends and men I adore....

and women I adore....

with this change...

this man I am seeing right now .....

people can not be happy for us...

for him

Yes...19 years we were together....and no one will ever know our lives

but my new life....

just let us be happy

the super sad part is?....

his friends always say " I got your back"

but they have left him

The ones who were my friends ....

fuck it.

call me a whore, 

unfaithful,

shitty....

I know I'm not.

I'm a grown ass woman 

but for him

the new man...

he loves his friends,

and they have shunned him like he carries the plague

all over being happy

Loving someone 

honestly loving.

we are not 22

we are more than halfway done with our lives and we want what we want

honestly....

at my age just let me love.

a divorce is a divorce.... yes it hurts, yes its expensive (doesn't have to be) 

but for my friends to take sides and to act like we are different now is heart breaking

Ive watched many of my friends go through stuff the last few years which is ridiculous.

if I don't agree I say something,....but never cut them out when they need love most.

Our hearts are strong 

but our minds are not when it comes to people we have trusted and befriended for so long

my heart breaks for my guy

how his friends have left him and talked shit and gossiped

almost worse than girls

well

that's my diatribe on being friends and having someone's back

how being 50 plus years old and moving on to have true happiness in your later years is so frowned upon.

I've served my time.

no one did wrong.

we just need different things now.

so have my back

ya know

?

xo,

m

Brain, take one for the team will ya?

When one knows the track record of self preservation often tries to win over love...

Things get iffy

Little moments where you smile 

or little moments where you question...

what is my brain doing?

why isn't my heart fighting?

better yet, 

where the hell are my feet taking me?

We have all been there....

questioning ability

questioning worth

and even worse...

questioning fate.

Here's what I think

Brain...get with the heart...

it lives right downstairs

Be happy, have fun, quit worrying and ...

you know

stop playing games

do what you want,

we've talked about this before

the more you question

the harder it is

can't you just get it together

ya know...

quit thinking about the past 

and see if y'all can 

work together for a change

Be happy for Heart...

Brain, just take one for the team

just try it

prove

your self 

and 

them

wrong.

listen.....

god only knows 

and Brain, apparently.

xo,

from heart....

not Brain

write ya later,

m

Day 342 current state of....

affairs.

Cute, huh?

yeah....

real cute.

Life, sometimes ya just gotta get out there.

I do stuff.  I'm that go to person

"hey, I can't find anyone to (Insert ridiculous thing here)....

ya wanna go with me?"

Oh Hells yeah

Ice skating is fuuuuun

circle circle circle

laugh 

screech

laugh

catch an edge 

crunch

oh well.  

I don't think it's broken

but it sure was fun

as long as I keep some pressure on it 

it feels just fine.

Life is what you make of it and I just need to make it good right now

laugh, do, drink some beer....

put on my adventure shoes.

I know things don't stay fabulous forever,

so

maybe that is why we have to live it up while it is right there in front of you

Maybe

the part 2

is going to be the 

best part?

for however long it last?

1 month...

4 months...

ever and ever...

one never knows,

hence the reason to just 

go with the flow and laugh

and laugh I have been doing 

and crying...

but the laughing is helping

oh the beer helps too

(disclaimer: I am not a doctor....but I can vouch for beer and laughter)

xo,

write ya later

m

awkward

truth....

and awkward.  

yup, I admit I am, and always have been. 

I crack myself up....

I attempt things I have no business attempting....

I overthink....

I'm often at a loss at how to properly interact (although I will always try, and usually fail miserably).

Considered outgoing by friends but always in pure panic mode when out, which tends to accentuate the awkward....

Communication with me is often misinterpreted...even in text...and it makes people frustrated...

I fall down, whoops....

every picture of me, looks like I'm grimacing 

My friends spend a lot of time correcting my manners and shaking their heads....

I am used to it.

but others....

not so much.

14 Things You Should Know Before You Date  Hang Out with Someone Who’s Actually Awkward

click that link above...

(I believe they wrote that about me)

but I am fun...and funny.

I have touched on this story before....

A few years ago I was required to go to a Keith Urban thing.

One of those things I am not excited about, and actually become mortified, because :

1. backstage /green room is not as cool as people think it is ( believe me)

2. I am always stuck waiting like a groupie while the intermingling is going on...and I hate groupies...

plus they always look at me like "why are you here?"

3. for some reason there are ALWAYS posed, stupid pictures required.

We arrived a bit late with poor instructions as to how to get to Mr. Urban.  On the drive there, I was VERY clear on my rules....I will participate and be polite, I will attempt not to talk and say stupid shit accidentally, and under NO circumstances am I going to take a picture in that room.   I don't like Keith Urban and I hate pictures....is this understood?  seriously, no pictures....I will get up and walk out if you do that to me.  You know I will....

"stop being so ....you...It's fine...no pictures then.  Olive and I will take a picture"

fine

"fine"

We finally walk the length of what seemed to be 18 football fields and pass a group of giggling, chunky, cowgirls with bedazzled jeans and pink boots. As I stomped past the line of people waiting to get in, and followed B, who looked as if he was where he was supposed to be, the girls gave me the once over and a glare....

B stepped in front and looked in the gate and said..." well I guess we are too late"

Good ...I looked down at my bracelet and noticed it had a different mark on it than all the groupies.

I showed it to B and said, " hey...does this mean we are too old to stand in this line?" and I flashed it at the girl in the front....

she glared and said,

"Keith is done signing autographs"

"praise the lord", I said 

....let's go get a beer...and funnel cake.

B, looked through the gate and then at me and Olive and said...

"Its fine....let's go."

Walking off, I heard the girls giggling...." like they have some special pass, pfhhht "

We weren't 50 feet from the gate. and almost free as far as I could tell, when a guy , the guy who 4 minutes before slammed the gate and said "NO MORE", came ripping up behind us yelling , Mr. Smith!!! Mr. Smith!!! 

Keith is waiting for you!!!!   why didn't you say something?

(damnit....does Mr Urban have beer?)

B...no fucking pictures.  you promised....

We were escorted back to the front, through the large huddle of young women, and through the gate.  I flashed my bracelet at the girl in the front,

"Old people rule..."

she glared.

As usual, we were led to the room with fruit, water, snacks and comfy couches.  No groupies...just a few recording industry people and a body guard.  I stayed back because I knew exactly what was about to happen.  Keith looked over and came right up to B and shook his hand

"man, I almost missed ya"

they talked guitars and gear....he thanked B for the custom guitar he built for him.... "I love it , man.... I play it all the time"

Olive and I poked around the snack table...some person handing us water...offering fancy fruit....and a seat.

I whispered to the person, "where's the beer"

"He's clean" she whispered back ...."sober"....

I grimaced...Oh yeah, I said to her..".I saw that on TMZ"

she grimaced back.  

oops , awkward.

Before I had a minute to think straight I felt a hand on my back ....

"Hey Love, come on over here and lets get a snap"

??

I turned around and there he was ....

Handsome, short, and repeating himself....

"Let's get a snap"

nope....

I glare at B...then at Olive....who is smiling.

He turns to her and says, get your mom...lets get a nice snap.

I hate you....

not only am I grimacing....my shirt is see through.

mortifyingly awkward

"come on Mom...."

He put his arm around me and I leaned in, and for some reason took a deep smell of him...

loudly , but accidentally.

He smelled of pine trees and earth....and maybe Gain detergent....

I pictured Nicole Kidman doing his laundry and hanging it on the line in beautiful Australia....or Nashville....

Then Olive leans forward and says 

"Did you just Sniff Keith Urban?"

Why yes, yes I did....

*snap.*

I hate this picture more than anything.

ANYTHING....

my friends on social media think it is hysterical and every year for the past 3 years whenever this pops up on anyones social memories...

they post it.

"most awkward photo ever"

Just a tiny piece of my life.

there are many more ....

so, even though sometimes I may seem nuts....

I'm not really

just awkward...

and after the fact, it brings many people comedic relief.

makes people feel better about them selves when they hang out with me

Maybe this is why so many of my friends stick around or my old loves continue to never really leave, regardless of saying "I just can't"

I'm entertaining...

Unpredictably predictable 

awkward.

xo,

write ya later,

m

don't wear black to a photo shoot

and I am 

un-replaceable....

Older Should be Better....Right?

I know some of you follow me on IG.  

I'm just a friend of many.  I try to say it like it is, which is often pretty realistic (such as the fact I took a selfie with no makeup, in my dirty 1970's kitchen) Lord knows I am never gonna be an influencer like that!!!  That shit is real and when you work full time, try to stay healthy, have a teenager (OMG that shit will kill you), and bizarre family dynamics you just do what you do to get through the hour, the day, the month , and the year....and pray it doesn't go too fast that you miss out.

I wanna talk about Older, Smarter, Better....

me .....older and still mastering the other 2.

I'll be 50 in a few weeks and I am starting, finally, to get it....to just plain old understand how the stuff I tended to worry about, really doesn't matter.  I think of all the times my mom said to me as a teen, "Stop being such a drama queen, that shit won't matter by next week!" 

She was so correct (as usual).

I can officially say I am older now.  I like it.  It doesn't bother me too much.  

I feel wiser, because I am wiser. 

This does NOT mean I don't struggle everyday with getting up and taking care of myself in a way which will keep me moving into the next 10 years.  

If there is one thing I want to say to you....it's not too late to start taking care of yourself.

If you are overweight, go get a physical and start slow. You don't need to join a gym (unless you want to)....just go walk. listen to a book or podcast and walk. Cut out Sodas and add in water. It's these little things which can keep you off medications and feeling better. 

you do no one any favors if you are not healthy or taking care of your skin suit.

Lift some weights.  You need to strengthen your muscles and your core.  

You are going to need it for balance, believe it or not. 

Hell, I fell UP the stairs at work the other day and I can guarantee if I was not as strong/healthy as I am right now I would have broken my leg, hip , or even worse cracked my head.   But I caught my dumbass , cracking my shin, and spilling my coffee...20 pounds heavier, it would not have been good.

Smarter?

I'm not sure.  My best advice...keep reading, listen to one book, read one book and keep a list on a site like GoodReads.  It's nice to know that you accomplish things even if you don't remember what the hell you have read or done.

I have Alzheimer's in my family .... so I try to keep my brain moving.  I try new things and I don't buy into that bullshit that I can't change, or I am too old.

With that said ....last year, or so, I did try an aerial ribbon dance class and that was the first time that I thought,

"For fuck's sake , Myssi, you are too old for this ribbon hanging stuff"

But I completed the class, and was horrible, but laughed a lot and got kudos for being the oldest in the class.

Better?

This is easy.... 

We know more now, so do better.  Maybe Oprah said that or something ...But she is damn right.  There is no excuse as a grown adult to be a dick.

People need kindness and empathy, so now that you are moving up Maslow's Heirarchy 

be kind, be better....reach that Nirvana.

It's pretty simple.   

Volunteer , offer a nice word, tell someone they are beautiful, encourage a person to move up and forward....

just do good things....you will feel better.  

Even if you get nothing back, because honestly, as an adult what do you really need?, you get those amazing Karma points that most of us blew through in our shitty 20's.

I'm no guru.  My life , if you read my posts ,has been a circle of weird times, confused love, horrible body image, bad hair, and one time I even tried to wax my own hooha....

But I can honestly say I am smarter now....better.....and I will never ever try to wax myself again.

That shit is for the pros.

now go out for a walk and do good things

write ya later

xo

m

           

I'm embarrassed

Why?
I ran into the Apple store a few days ago to pick up a few things. I love this store for this one reason. You open the big glass doors and there is a non threatening smiling Apple Elf waiting to help you. This is exactly what I encountered as I opened the doors. A nice young man says, "HI! What can I help you with ?" I tell him EXACTLY what I want and he smiles and says,"No Problem, Chance will help you with that", and he points down the overly lit row to a nice looking young Rasta with big beads around his neck...who immediately smiles and waves to me. It's like iAngels directing these guys around. I trot over to him and he repeats what I want and I tell him that's it. No upsell, nothing...sweet....i love it. BUT what does happen is the unusual case of small talk I'm not used to.
I'm a talker and pride myself in talking to anyone at anytime, but when this young man says to me," hey did you know there is still pirates?" I gave it a quick thought and kind of said, "yeah, but I don't do that...my other half is a musician." I began to sweat that weird sweat, uncomfortable sweat. He had that look on his face like "Sister, what are you yappin about?"

(???? Pirates...like this?...think think)

I smiled...
"No...Pirates in Somalia." he says.
Oh...yeah Somalia...uh huh, fumble for something intelligent, even though I listened to NPR this morning and probably could recite the entire show about Pirates.

I don't like my Apple people to talk to me. It throws me off. I always prejudge myself and get thrown a loop when someone actually talks intelligently to me. I do a George Costanza..."you talking to me? (good looking young man? about something real?)" Lord.

"oh yeah, I listened to that this morning...Pretty cool how they hold whatever for ransom and then get what they want." (stupid thing to say, myssi...that IS what pirates do....that is why they call it Pirating)
He smiles..."I like Pirates..." (now that is what I'm talking about, that is what I expect to come from my Apple guy)
"Yeah, I like them too... Maybe we need shirts that say 'I support Pirates.....in Somalia' "
He smiled, handed me my stuff and said...."I like that. You're cool."

Shew...Close one, I almost couldn't pull it off....you know being almost 40, talking to some hip youngster about NPR and almost sounding like Bono. Jeesus. Thank god I made it outta there before I pitted out my "EAT MORE GREENS" T-shirt.

I really shouldn't prejudge everyone...what they may say and the fact that, hey, some youngsters may actually speak to me, not like their mom...it always throws me.

Life is too short...

To spend time voting on Judges and issues. I really should not say this, because I am an avid voter and actually take it pretty seriously. I get the book and start studying the issues at least a month in advance.
Oh What did you say? Book? What Book? There is a book that goes with voting?
Oh yeah...let me tell ya a little something, here in Colorado, we have a Flipping Book of issues. Approximately 30 issues to vote on and then we have to vote on whether to keep all the judges(10-15) and such. I have heard we have one of the longest voting ballots around. So, last year when we could barely get everyone in to vote in a timely manner before polls closed, it didn't surprise me one bit. Like I said, I believe everyone should vote, but maybe people should consider doing a little research before you close the curtain. When these people walk in, and boy howdy you can tell, you know it's going to be a long process. They have no idea. They don't know the issues which in turn causes them to read every little word before casting a vote (which they should do...but at home before you go vote) and they take forever! ...You guys do realize you can just vote for the President, Right?
In all the local papers they put out a practice ballot for us idiots in Colorado...you can fill it in at home with a beer in hand, ask your neighbor's advice or drive around and read all the signs, whatever the case, you can do it before you go to the poll. That way, when you get there it's in and out in about 9 minutes. I timed it...and that is from when you close the curtain until you reopen. Now multiply that fast 9 minutes by all the registered voters in your community...some being old and slow...some being dumb and slow...some just being dumb...and some not being able to read in English....This is why we have problems in Colorado at our polls.
So, do us...and me a favor....Practice before you vote, so that I don't have to waste my precious time off at the gate.
Oh yeah and note to newspapers and people with the info...How about info on the judges...Why we should or should not keep them? Who do they support, what are their beliefs...that way I can make and educated decision on their livelihood opposed to voting according to if they are female or not.

And the Idiot award goes toooooooooo

I have a little diddy about an idiot girl.  After last week's fabulous pre PMS haircutting adventure, I felt, somewhere in the back of my vapid mind, that I was now ok to move onto harder tasks.  What task you ask?  ....bikini waxing.   

I know, I know...you, the normal hormonal person is thinking...what the F?  Is she nuts? You don't give yourself a Brazillian, you leave that for professionals.  Remember a few lines ago when I was feeling I had progressed to professional level?   Yeah, well I had not...although you would have thought I did the way I got all the stuff together, announced I would be locked in the bathroom for a bit and sat perched on the side of the tub reading the directions, glowing on the inside, dreaming of the smoothness and the newness.

Heat wax in microwave...all ready sounds scary, but back in the old days I was into some pretty kinky stuff...I can do this.

check

Makes sure wax is not too hot...well, I have hidden back in the bathroom and swirl the bubbling pot of wax...definitely too hot .I'll try my lip and eyebrows first. 

Apply in direction of hair growth...gothcha

OWWWW way too hot , get it off get it off...well, burned lip...wait for it to cool then put some on eyebrows.

Rip in direction of hair growth

check

1,2,3  RIPPPP...Yowza, now that's something ...all right. Now we are talking.  I give my self a pat on the back...am horrified at the amount of hair I just removed from my lip, along with a  small piece of skin.  It's ok.  I'm GOOD at this.  Hell, I can wax my entire body!

Now down to the private cookie area.  

Hair growth?  kinda crazy...but get a good guess and apply wax.

Let dry for a second and RIPPPPP

Yes...Look at all that!

Yup, definitely did miss my calling, I should have been a waxer, I'm wasting my days in school.

Only about 25 more RIPS to go.

All of this went along well until the first set back.  I dripped a bit of wax onto a very sensitive area.  I couldn't get the damn wax off.  I had to put clothes on and wonder down 2 flights of stairs to google it.  OK...Answer, Baby oil.

I don't have baby oil.

Mineral oil...that should work...

worked ok...and as I'm working on correcting that problem I notice some slight swelling and litte bits of blood.  Hmmm? does every hair follicle bleed?

No Way.  I was doing so well.  Owwie it's starting to hurt.  

As I start to sober from the pain and the PMS begins to fade I realize...

IDIOT

maybe I can go somewhere and they can finish?  rigggght.

I decided to leave it as is and maybe resume tomorrow once I have recovered....put some ointment on and  put on house dress from 1964...sans panties.

At that point pretty much forgot about the entire incident.  Had a few beers then sat down to go pee. 

ARRRGGGHHHHHH

little bumps everywhere!  It was like a swollen, bumpy pretend underwear!

Oh my god.  I'm the most retarded person I know...seriously.  At that point I thought...maybe I'll google it.  which I did and it said a few bumps are normal...didn't say anything about bump underwear.  What if I was going to the Carribean?  Or getting laid by Johnny Depp this evening?  jeesus christ.  whatever. put on more ointment and announced to Bobby he would not be getting his birthday lay with the new improved smooth cookie tonight, probably not tomorrow and then the next day I am pretty sure I will be on the rag.  

Idiot.. 

3 days later...I have gotten up, looked at my old friend the razor and resumed it's use.  Still in the back of my head as I shaved I thought, maybe I will try it again.