Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts

Friday, June 24, 2022

I thought I was tough

 Come to find out ...
not so much.
as I lay here in my bed with Covid, 
sicker than I have been in years and years, 
I realized 
Sissy was my secret power.
She must have given me the idea that I could do anything.
We were planning on moving to Costa Rica


but
the more I think about it the more I think I was fucking nuts.
Maybe I had visions of grandeur?
I'm traveling there again this year and I'll sit and relax and think again.
I'll sprinkler her ashes and ask,
"is it supposed to be or no?"
and then I will decide.
In the past two years when the overseas travel was not a thing 
we did some traveling in our very own country.
Novel
Maybe my calling is mid Kansas?
Maybe Alabama?
Maybe Arkansas?

Not really sure.

As far as being sick right now.
This is day 4 and I am sick
first 2 days were non moving, sleeping all day with temps of 103+, aches, GI upset, sore throat
day 4 
I'm sitting up.
but still running low grade temps 
It's no joke 

This is my hot girl Summer with Olive so I have to get well
I have to be ready to paddle, ride, hike, eat and travel
so send good vibes

xo
m

Friday, July 30, 2021

My Life in Black. Mortality

 Today I took a few moments to do some true self care and time to think.
I choose not to go to the gym. 
I chose not to run...
I chose not to stress...

What I did choose was:
Coffee
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
and
DIY pedicure and nails
and contemplation.




Mortality
in the next week I seriously will have to deal with life in my face again
I can only think that the spirits that be ,want me to
UNDERSTAND
what Death means....
what Life means....
what Love means....
Death, Suicide, NY, Depression, Divorce, and
Mortality.

In the next week I will be writing as much as my mind and Psyche allows.
I am heading to my home town to sit in wait, 
hopefully with humor, grace and mostly love,
with my childhood bestie as she dies.
I will be as strong as I can for her and we know at this point it is harder for us than her...
She has promised to try to make it til Friday, when I arrive....
 and I believe her, because she has never lied to me before and she is a doer.

I have 2 nights to lay in her bed ( the bed her gramma died in),
bathe her, rub her back, Paint her nails, pull her chin hairs,
have a cocktail if tolerated, and laugh about the entire idiocy of life itself.

In my mind I am so sorry and sad, yet grateful this is quick for her.
I am trying not to think of what this really is quietly doing to me on the inside.
why am I called to these situations over and over 
there must be a reason?
right?



Wednesday, October 16, 2019

shit's contagious.....

I've learned that often, a good road trip can cure what ails you....
or at least numb it for about 24 hours.
My most fabulous niece loves to drive so we decided to hit the road from Denver, Saturday morning, and head for Buena Vista.
The drive was, and is, always divine and I feel that I am the ideal passenger.  
I position all snacks and drinks where I can easily access for me and driver.
I don't complain about music...
I bring a blanket in case driver prefers chilly airflow....
I pay for gas.
I sit and knit and say way too much of this phrase,
"look...look how pretty"
as we drive over the 100th pass of the day.
We went over Cottownwood Pass
Guenella Pass 
and one other....
stopped at every overlook and took pictures of every beautiful hill
We chose to wonder around Buena Vista and then got a 
room" term loosely utilized" 
here:

we enjoyed the Springs and had a few laughs.

We went out dancing....
I had no clothes to wear so I had to hit the thrift store and scored some cute clothes
for 18$


I took pictures of this view (below) about 15 times but in different areas of our state.
the iPhone is unable to capture the beauty 

and then I was required to bring my skinny ass home and get back to the weirdness my life has become.


I have amazing people in my life...absolutely amazing.  Friends I can tell anything to , and they let me be me. Right now I have no one to impress and that has begun to free up my mind and love for others. It has been interesting to receive unknown love from so many people, lately, so much so that I actually feel like all the love I have put out in the past is finally arriving back to help me.
I still realize I am very slow and my decisions have not been made as a final....
because I need to complete this counseling phase.

I have made a few slips in the past two months...but I still believe things and people come into my life for a reason and I am no longer going to fear being able to enjoy my life or self....or any of my friends. 
I am going with the flow.
These lovely pictures of me....no filters, zit on chin...bad hair...
it's just fine because I'm learning that my friends give a shit less if I get dressed to hang out.
They just want to hang out...
ride motorcycles
drink beer or go to happy hour...
and I can finely grab my bag and walk out the door without feeling too nervous or guilt.

I will be leaving to travel in a few weeks and it will be my first big trip with just O and Sissy.
It is not solo, but I'm in charge of myself with no reason to be sad about my self worth.

my next goal is completing counseling, and understanding why this is all happening... and what I can do to either correct this loss and bring him back into my life with empathy and new love....
or move on without sadness about the past, because it has been an amazing past,
and be prepared for my future with myself, kid and friends ....
and honestly, I hope ,regardless of what happens, he will still always be part of my life.
Love is hard and being with someone for 19 years is great, even though the past 5 years have been death to my heart body image and self worth....we have still had so much fun...and a long time ago, I can look back at photos, he loved me ....
I know this.
and maybe he still does.
time will tell.

in the mean time....
I have some old friends who were pushed off my list due to conflict of interest....
 who have requested some Myssi time in different areas of the country to drink beer...have fun and catch up.
I'm in.

So don't be surprised if you see me out....
running, mountain biking, snowboarding , dancing, laughing or just having plain old fun....
and watch out....
if you come too close I may hug and kiss you 
....
this shit is contagious.


xo,
write ya later.
m





Monday, July 8, 2019

365 days: Day 185 Punta Cana ...relaxed and washed out


DAY 185








Higuey, DR

 Something about the colors makes me happy
she smiled for a minute...ziplineing

Yes,  I booked a trip to Punta Cana DR when people are dying there. So what?  I like an adventure and a good deal.
Stayed at Barcelo Palace on Bavaro Beach and for all inclusive resort it was fine.
No one died, and I feel semi relaxed.
beaches were white and warm,
People were friendly 
I relaxed....
what more can I say........
except.....
I'm a dumbass for thinking it would be different.

Will I ever learn?
It really is time to move on...
really
(Look at that dumbasses sweet face)
vacationing with me is an adventure...
If you want it to be.
I enjoy trying stuff...
I tried almost every bite of food put in front of me...yes even meat, because when you don't speak the language it is important to not be rude....although a few locals helped with which meals traditionally did not have meat.
I like to do things....but I also like other people to take the lead, so if you are not strong enough to take the lead and decide what you would like to do, you will either be doing what I want to do, or nothing at all. 
If you decide things at the last minute while in a 3rd world country...it most likely won't happen because things need a bit of planning.
Something I discovered which was quite nice and new to me...
separate beds.  I slept like a baby.  Not my ideal sleeping arrangement when traveling with a person I am in love with, but....
situation was just dandy with the double beds. 
If you aren't having relations, kissing, touching....no need to be in my space.
I realized I find dark skinned DR men with light eyes, extremely attractive.
I was thankful I did not have the opportunity to really explore as much as I wanted to. ( wink wink)
If you sleep through half the vacation...
you are going to miss out, not my problem....
I can sleep at home...
I like to dance...and gamble occasionally
these things should happen while on vacation.

I cannot wait to meet someone who likes to take a bit of the lead...
I'm not saying all the lead, just someone who steps up, can make a reservation, can get a taxi in a different country, will carry the money and tip, and can try new things.
can't wait.

I posted a pic of me in my bikini, because I do wear a bikini and don't really care if I have a fat belly one day...
mostly I care because I don't find myself attractive looks wise.  My body is ok, but lately I feel washed out, old and pretty ugly.
(honestly though, I am all those things hahaha)
but it doesn't make me happy looking at pictures.

I am back home, getting mentally prepared for work and what comes next.
life is grand

write ya later
m



Saturday, February 16, 2019

Pheromones ? ADD ? and Hot Tubs


2/14/19

MCA Denver Winter Opening (outside)


As I walked around the MCA I felt quite nice. It did not hurt that the UBER driver announced he wished he could walk us right up to the door because we looked gorgeous .
My vintage dress was staying put, not ripping or falling off and my heels were comfy( nothing makes for a worse night than uncomfortable shoes, no matter how great they look), and my huge 1940s wool and fur white cloak was show stopping (even missing a button).

We walked in and the first thing I noticed, was that a few men ,stepped to the side and did the arm wave and guided us into the building, smiling and with a little look. 
I thought, "odd". but it was nice. A beautiful 20 something girl stepped out of the elevator and came right up to me and said, "You look beautiful...your hair is amazing and that dress., saw you from up there !..that dress is perfect" ....
Hmmm feeling quite good...but I really just want to have a glass of beer , because you know...that's what fancy people do, and see the art.
We found our way from the photo booth to the bar then onward to the main gallery.
All I could think was 

1. I love this art and all of this
2. This is where every cool person should be with their Valentine.
3. YEAH  this is pretty fun

We looped around and the amount of well dressed pretty people was impressive, but honestly, I was not paying a whole lot of attention. I was concentrating on not spilling my beer and getting a little closer to the paintings I wanted to really see.
As I was shimmying between people to get up front to the one  special piece, I felt a touch on my back.
I didn't jump, or turn around to punch, because I was holding my beer and as stated I was trying not to spill, plus it was actually more of a slide across my back, very gently.
gave me a bit of a chill
I glanced around and a very good looking man was back a little bit and he smiled and nodded. 
I tried not to look confused and do the point and "me?" thing so I just smiled and nodded back and turned around.  I felt a little confused but then realized what someone had said to me recently. 
Let people acknowledge you. 

I wandered from piece to piece then found A, so that we could go get another cocktail ( and she wanted some pictures of herself by a few of the pieces of artwork because she was looking like a piece of art also)
Found the drink line and stood behind some adorable young ladies who were on date and so cute.  Gently touching each other and smiling, with a few giggles....so I leaned forward and said, "y'all look perfect tonight." and they smiled, giggled ....and we laughed about the drinks and the drink line. They really did look perfect and summed up what I would imagine was the perfect date night.
As I was waiting for A, I saw across the way the tall man, actually I kind of felt him before I saw him. 
He was just watching me. 
I couldn't figure out who he was with because he was with a group of beautiful women and men who were quite loud and moving from place to place without really looking at anything.
I turned to get my drink and pay, and when I turned back around he was behind me a few back in the line. He never spoke to me, he winked and gave a little smile again, raised his empty drink cup and gave a little shrug. 
Interesting, I don't think he was blind, or drunk, so he actually was checking me out.
I did not stay to see what would happen because I wanted to get to the other sections and I knew A wanted to get up to the dance party.
It felt nice, and if I had been there by myself I probably would have pursued that a bit more, except I still wasn't sure if he was there with anyone, because it was Valentine's Day. But I'll tell you what, that little hand slide across the back was a ballsy, and pretty hot.

A and I had a great night , there were many compliments from young women to A and me on our looks. And to think A was worried she was overdressed....I said there is no such thing. 
We danced and laughed, got A's pictures she wanted for Match (haha) and made it to the second Uber, where once again , the driver was quite charming.
( I would like to point out, A got one of their phone numbers and is going out Sunday)
Would I have like to have been there with a lover or someone who enjoyed my company?(  besides A, I love going out with her...but you know what I mean)
Of course...it would have been awesome...But art gallery openings aren't for everyone, and getting dressed up is not for everyone, but I think , yes it would have been quite sexy and amazing.
My night and interactions with people were perfect.
I was there to drink the beer and see the art...and be dressed up, 
check check and check


I did look nice.  

Is this what they would consider Pheromones working?
It might be .
Or is it just not caring? Letting go and being open.

It's interesting how my attitude is a bit different the past few weeks. You know, since my attitude adjustment.  I'm present but semi calm and open. 
Things have felt a bit different and it is a bit weird.

Besides the Gala,
 I went out with my neighbor to the local pub ;we had the same thing happen.
My friend is actually more of a chatter than I am and we were drinking Vodka Tonics at the bar, yapping about life and vacations, and I kept announcing to her " I have to be up at 4am...no more, plus you have to work too"
We weren't paying attention to much around us because we go there all the time and were much too busy gossiping and laughing. I looked like shit, but because it was my local I didn't care....It's Longmont, I had actually just thrown clothes on over my PJs. and put a hat on.
after D, had ordered about her 75th V/T  I said "That's it Young Lady I'm Paying and driving your drunk ass home!" As she was professing her love for me I glanced around and the 2 men sitting next to us were laughing.
The man directly to my right, called the bartender over... and held up his card and said, " I'm buying theirs and get them one more round, except she might want water ( he whispered ) pointing to me"
I laughed and said "No way mister, you can't pay for this, she just drank the Caspian Sea in Titos Vodka and ate dinner...too much, we got it...we are good, but thank you"
He looked at the bartender shook his head and handed over his fancy metal credit card and waved his hand for that extra round.
"Really, thank you"
He laughed and kept watching the game on the TV.
I announced to D, he paid for our bill and she said, " really? That's great !woop woop", then started to try to have a conversation with him
It was comical.
We talked about vacations and travel, and D was telling him about her trip she was heading out on to Mexico.
He was a bit older, maybe early to mid 50s and funny. 
He said he traveled a lot, had a private plane and a handler.  
"A HANDLER? WTF?" I was laughing so hard.
He nonchalantly said he had to travel for work all the time and because of his ADD he just can't get to where he needs to be correctly. He has often ended up in the airport bathroom panicking.

I could tell he was listening to D talk, but he was looking at me with everything he said.
I asked him what he does when he gets to where he is going.?
He said the handler is there and arranges the limos, food etc so he just shows up to where he needs to be and tries not to panic.
wow.
He asked about my travel.
We talked and as D was talking over us...
he leaned over and said ," can I give you my phone number,  or card? " 
I smiled and said I am currently with someone, and I am so flattered...
Jokingly I said, "Besides, I like to travel and you are not a good traveler"
He said "well you might not always be with someone and I would like you to take my number...or if you want to take a ride on a private plane, I live around the corner....also, I am a good traveler, if I have a handler"
he handed me his card 
I looked at it for a second, smiled and put it in my pocket....I patted him on the knee and said thank you again for the dinner  and drinks..."I have to get her home....she is demanding Hot Tub."
I looked at the card the next day and smiled.  
President of some international shipping company and consultant....
(with severe ADD which was not on the card but should have been)

I'm just going about my days, doing what I need to do to be a better me without someone stifling me and in return maybe I might be throwing off some pheromones.
maybe...
now is not the time
hahaha 
I have too much on my plate.
but I'm open to whatever comes my way as I work out this situation 

write ya later,
watch out for Pheromones
xo,
m








Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Hellllllo October, you Bitch


Oh, October in Colorado.  One of the persnickiest times of the year.
One day 78 degrees and clear ....


Isn't it lovely?
All less than 12 hours later.



Same view....
17 degrees. 


No worries though, this is why we love Colorado, she is as unpredictable as a, well, let's say a woman who has been on the wagon for 17 days, attempting to figure out what to do with all her free time not spent drinking or surfing IG or Facebook.
"Shall I have an acid flavored Kombucha?....or a cucumber water?"
"Shall I knit or shall I clean and sort my entire sewing room, then decide to finish all projects which were left unfinished from years ago?"

Guess what ?
All of the above.
SoberOctober is proving itself to be quite productive, not only for projects , but for clearing my mind and getting my lonely lost head straight. 
Two Thumbs up, M!.
 yeah Kanye, we get it 
"MAGA"....and that is starting with my sewing room and brain.

Let's see, just for the idle chatter, I knitted a sweater, sewed a bag (little hexagon appliqué pictured below), got a Fitbit, been working out, am getting a BMI body scan, repotted all the outdoor plants to bring inside and planned a trip to Nashville


Who doesn't love Hexagons?
All of this while sober.  
I may just keep it up into November (probably not, because my friends are so not supportive).

I am still grieving the loss of a friendship which brought me much joy....but it will be ok. 
Everything works out in the end, one way or another, it is just weird to hear someone say they will be there, then , well.....go silent.
Part of my Yoga, workout, run therapy also involves lessons in patience. 
It's kind of cool.
I am working just being me. 
It's all good when you can look at yourself and laugh...give people hugs....and  say "good things happen to good people and mean it". 

I missed out (self inflicted) on a once in a lifetime trip to Machu Picchu, which was to start tomorrow, because 
1. guilt of spending $3K on myself
2. a little bit scared
3. head not quite where it needed to be to travel and enjoy.
it's ok....there will be more trips....right?


(yes that is grey hair...the red is being replaced by silver)

This is me....at work, 
washing my hands so that I can pass out some more hugs.

Try it.

I'll keep ya posted on my plans.
Nashville, Bryce National Park 1/2, then hopefully Italy and or Greece....although I have heard Croatia is quite nice. 


xoxox,
write ya later,
m