shit's contagious.....

I've learned that often, a good road trip can cure what ails you....

or at least numb it for about 24 hours.

My most fabulous niece loves to drive so we decided to hit the road from Denver, Saturday morning, and head for Buena Vista.

The drive was, and is, always divine and I feel that I am the ideal passenger.  

I position all snacks and drinks where I can easily access for me and driver.

I don't complain about music...

I bring a blanket in case driver prefers chilly airflow....

I pay for gas.

I sit and knit and say way too much of this phrase,

"look...look how pretty"

as we drive over the 100th pass of the day.

We went over Cottownwood Pass

Guenella Pass 

and one other....

stopped at every overlook and took pictures of every beautiful hill

We chose to wonder around Buena Vista and then got a 

room" term loosely utilized" 

here:

we enjoyed the Springs and had a few laughs.

We went out dancing....

I had no clothes to wear so I had to hit the thrift store and scored some cute clothes

for 18$

I took pictures of this view (below) about 15 times but in different areas of our state.

the iPhone is unable to capture the beauty 

and then I was required to bring my skinny ass home and get back to the weirdness my life has become.

I have amazing people in my life...absolutely amazing.  Friends I can tell anything to , and they let me be me. Right now I have no one to impress and that has begun to free up my mind and love for others. It has been interesting to receive unknown love from so many people, lately, so much so that I actually feel like all the love I have put out in the past is finally arriving back to help me.

I still realize I am very slow and my decisions have not been made as a final....

because I need to complete this counseling phase.

I have made a few slips in the past two months...but I still believe things and people come into my life for a reason and I am no longer going to fear being able to enjoy my life or self....or any of my friends. 

I am going with the flow.

These lovely pictures of me....no filters, zit on chin...bad hair...

it's just fine because I'm learning that my friends give a shit less if I get dressed to hang out.

They just want to hang out...

ride motorcycles

drink beer or go to happy hour...

and I can finely grab my bag and walk out the door without feeling too nervous or guilt.

I will be leaving to travel in a few weeks and it will be my first big trip with just O and Sissy.

It is not solo, but I'm in charge of myself with no reason to be sad about my self worth.

my next goal is completing counseling, and understanding why this is all happening... and what I can do to either correct this loss and bring him back into my life with empathy and new love....

or move on without sadness about the past, because it has been an amazing past,

and be prepared for my future with myself, kid and friends ....

and honestly, I hope ,regardless of what happens, he will still always be part of my life.

Love is hard and being with someone for 19 years is great, even though the past 5 years have been death to my heart body image and self worth....we have still had so much fun...and a long time ago, I can look back at photos, he loved me ....

I know this.

and maybe he still does.

time will tell.

in the mean time....

I have some old friends who were pushed off my list due to conflict of interest....

 who have requested some Myssi time in different areas of the country to drink beer...have fun and catch up.

I'm in.

So don't be surprised if you see me out....

running, mountain biking, snowboarding , dancing, laughing or just having plain old fun....

and watch out....

if you come too close I may hug and kiss you 

....

this shit is contagious.

xo,

write ya later.

m

365 days Mom's legs

3/9/19

as I sat here to write, with my coffee....

I looked down and saw my mom's legs.

yes...
never thought it would happen, but you do turn into your parents at some point

My parents passed too soon for me.  I wasn't even a full functioning adult when they died.
My mom and I had the normal ill functioning teen mother relationship.
I left the house as soon as I could and lived a life she fretted over.
In a time before cell phones I would often receive 5 minute long voicemails on the recording machine,
"Melissa, this is your mother....where are you? Please call...at least once a month"

She taught me independence, so why did I need to call?
She left home to perform at 16...acrobats, circus, tap dance....
Her life was identical to the life I lived, although I did not dance.
I just lived. Moving from place to place...
She worked for everyone from the circus to the mafia in Chicago and had the best stories.
Stories I listened to, but did not appreciate until she was gone.
Often the situation with mom and daughter relationships.

My Mom's glossy for her auditions.  She was 16 here.

known for tap-dancing, and acrobatics.

She always like to point out " I never EVER took my clothes off...I danced the slots in-between the burlesque....I was NEVER a stripper!"

She danced on a huge ball, or piano....with fans...aka Fan Dancer.

She graced many covers of Chicago's entertainment papers.

She met my Dad, who was 22 years older, when he was a visiting business man and she was working.

Story has it that he courted her for over 2 years...never asking for anything except conversation.

They were both married.  My dad was married to Ruth Kellogg ( of the known Kellogg company), who was mentally ill.  My dad stayed married to Ruth until she shot herself....there is a much larger story around that...but on a side note, my mom took over care for Ruth's youngest after that and continued to care for her own 5 kids. I have been told that my mom had no factor in the fact that Ruth killed herself, she had tried multiple times before....but they kept most of these stories quiet...it was shameful.

My mom was married to a man who was no longer present and also had committed himself to a hospital for mental health.  I am guessing this was a way to escape issues of life in the 60's.

My mom always was very vocal about making sure you were strong and able to figure out how to care for self and whatever baggage ie; kids, you were dragging around with you.

So, I am sure when my dad came int my mom's life, being a millionaire, older, handsome, and not very demanding...she stepped up.

She had kids and worked her ass off, mom during the day, performer at night, but I can see how traveling to NY on the weekends and Rome on the other days and being able to live in a big house with a pool was enticing.

She said she loved my dad...and continued until he died of complications of Alzheimer's. She cared for him until the day he died....just as he cared for her, when she needed it. 

They loved each other.

Their situation at first was not ideal.

but it worked out in the long run...

Mom in Central Park...They stayed in NY quite often...My dad loved to take pictures,

especially of Mom.

I still have that Fox Stole sad bought her...

her name is embroidered on the inside, custom.

Here's one, he was still taking pictures of her 20 years later.

"Gloria at Work"

(those are my legs, too)

My mom left many diaries of her life. She was apparently a bit of a writer too.

They are hard to read because they are sometimes a bit racy and a bit too much info for me...

But the stories of her and my dad are amazing.

It was like a fairy tale.

Pretty Woman type story.

I came along as the accident...

They never intended for me, but ...

Shit happens.

All this said, I refer back to the fact that sometimes we are more of our parents than we want to believe. I was lucky to have such a rare breed for a mother. I was lucky she passed her legs down to me.  I was lucky she taught me to be strong.

Would she be proud?  Maybe now.

Would she encourage me to figure out my shit right now?

Yes.

What would she say?

Go with your heart...

Go with love, because life is short.

Wear the pretty dress, tell people you love them,

be racy, be sassy, dance when you can, and don't be afraid to make mistakes.

But always remember to be strong, independent and go with love...

It's never easy or convenient 

But just as her story , and my dad's, it was worth it.

They lived an amazing life together of dancing, travel, Playboy Mansion, private jets, and 

love....

love....

xoxox,

Write ya later, 

and thanks mom...

for the fairly good genes

m

             

Boulder Halloween Mall Crawl, a must do

This weekend I headed out on my own to see the Boulder Halloween Mall Crawl. Since I had my "no waiting around " policy epiphany, I just decided to go check it out even though I really had no one to go with. The costumes were on point.

many zombies

way too many sexy scary zombies (hopefully they all stumbled home safely)

a few dancing T-Rex (the best)

I think I found Waldo at least 4 times

Anonymous was there.....many, many of them 

And a few pretty darn cool scary clowns.

All just partying up and down the street.

It was really quite cool.

The coolest part was this area where they were having a dance party.  It was a tight space, everyone from every age group was dancing. It was just a really awesome vibe.  I love to dance.  I don't get to dance that often because because the other half in my family does not dance at all.  Period .... not even sexy slow dance.....But ME? I LOVE to DANCE.  This dance party reminded me of when I worked in the clubs and people were just free...just grooving. I wanted to dance my feelings away, but by the time I was feeling comfortable enough to get my groove on....it was over.  Typical. Dancing and laughing with people is a skill that everyone should have and I am really going to try to do more of it....without hesitation.  

 nekkid pumpkin run, 2017 ( I missed it ...or maybe they are actually doing this n Wed. Night)

Dance party 

If you ever get a chance....check it out ...and take some advice from me, dance !  dance like no one is looking, you owe it to yourself

write ya later,

m