it's so hard

It is...

It sucks.

it really doesn't matter how many friends you have... you are always alone.

I understand that. I really do.

I'm going to type perfectly honest right now.

I can't sleep, My 3 am text buddy died in his sleep last week

His best friend, Mark,  is broken.

He texted me tonight

"what ya doin"?

I texted back....

"I'm here....I can come to you"

We sat and had a beer, ate some dinner and talked about the good times we had shared with Chris...

I know he hurts....

I can't fix it.

Just listen and keep being strong

I'm having a hard time....taking care of people and not breaking down.

working,

mediating Olive,

and being me.

I want to leave and go somewhere but it is not feasible.

I want to run away but I'm not 22...

gotta suck it up and keep moving forward no matter what I feel right now.

the silence of the separation is nerve wracking

it will be ok

xo,

write ya later,

m

365 days: day 238. everything is so haphazard

Day 238

this is what you call poor sunscreen application.

It sums up the way I am going about present days right now.

Haphazardly, not paying attention and crossing fingers.

Amongst the split I have been trying to maintain normalcy and stay upbeat, so as not to stress out friends etc.

I am trying to work as much as possible, because I don't have to be at home.  

When I am at home I am in the guest room, or cleaning...

This weekend the girls from the band called and said come hang...

Come to Berthoud...

sit at the cool table and just be for a bit.

I did, it was nice...I felt ok....for a while....

 then I felt myself slipping into old habits that I had hoped I had long gotten rid of.

I left the group I was with...

and just sat alone watching the people. I had not eaten dinner, because food is Meh...

I went to the bar to get another beer and as I was standing there a weird gust of wind blew under my skirt and literally was.....yowza!

A young man sitting on the corner saw it and as I scrambled to gain control of my too light weight skirt flapping around , he said, 

"what's happening over there, Marilyn?"

I laughed and said, "well apparently there is a subway underneath here somewhere?"

he smiled, and as I reached for my drink he nodded to the bartender and took care of the cost.

I politely said "thanks" and feeling lost without my buddies or normal group, I left to go sit on a bench and pout, watch the band and try to let go.

I ended up enjoying myself...

as the night came along I had managed to only have 2 beers and was feeling a bit tipsy...but still ok.

I figured I would just leave.

I stood up and hugged my friends and turned around to walk out when there was my beer purchaser right there.

"Would you like to walk next door to the distillery and play some shuffleboard, we need one more person".

Yup, Sure, Why not?

I looked up and said, "I'm Myssi...maybe you want to know my name?"

"I all ready know your name, Myssi"

?

We joined the owner of the art studio across the street and another man named Lukas and played some  horrible rounds of shuffle board.  I was on Lukas's team and he was quite funny, young, and really tall...

That's what I remember, and laughing a lot.

fun...actually.

At one point, Mr Beer, looked across the table and said, "Hey Lukas, we need to switch teams....

you have an unfair advantage"

we laughed and switched...

we all talked, it was nice to talk to other people, hear other stories and life lessons.

It was old and familiar, but I realized I was slipping back into the solitaire again.

I realized it was time to go.

I didn't need to be in a group of unfamiliar, a bit drunk, in a town where I don't really know people.

I excused myself to the bathroom then decided to just go ahead and leave...

dark but small town, perfectly warm,

as I stepped out onto the street 

I heard my name....

"let me walk you...where did you park?"

I'm good...

no worries....

Familiar and unfamiliar

....Atlanta in my mind....

walk yourself...

he said, "I would feel better...I can walk over here and just make sure you get where you need be."

No it's ok, walk with me.

we talked about the stars above and music...

growing up in small towns.

the walk was short but it seemed a lot was said.

Parking lot was found and car keys were in hand....

"May I call you?"

Probably not the best time...

you would be sadly disappointed in your choice...

"You should not be so bossy, and let me decide that"

I stood there 

he opened the door and let me get in...tapped the roof and waved.

I pretty much know.

I have been someone's misery for about 13 years now.

I never wanted or realized I was making his life so horrible.

I never wanted that.

My best friend.

He's always been a great guy, awesome, funny, talented....

he just doesn't love me

and I can't get past it.

It's going to be ok.

I didn't want to do this again, because the first time I almost ended up on the street because I'm not a fighter.

I have good people around me.

I have work, and my kids...

I have some money, but it's my savings and I will prob need that to stay alive as a senior citizen.

It will work out.

"when it's time...you will know"

xo, 

m

You got it

I’m right here 

That’s all

Xo ,

M

good better and ok

As I type from the quiet of my new room.

I was reminded a few days ago that I write too personal and I should keep my business in check.

I started this blog 10 years ago to write

...to journal....

to document ups and downs, my goods and bads

....life.

my life ...in hopes to laugh a bit.

People started reading it....at one point, quite a few read it and I was getting little "hit ups" from well known online writers (before influencers).

I never intended for family to read...or for anyone really to read it....

Now,

people text me and ask me to remove things...to not be so crass, to have some decorum....

Yeah.

fuck it.

don't read it.

I remove things and put them back into draft form so that they can't be viewed.  

I edit pictures so as not to offend.   

that was never the intention of my writing.  

with that said.....

Shit is going on.

but yesterday I met with my kid.

he said he needed to talk to me....

so I made the trek to Denver 

and we sat over pizza and margaritas ....

he's in therapy due to the trauma of the loss of his muse 5 months ago.

it has been hard for us all

My heart often wondered what would happen to his beautiful soul.

I raised him to be loving and open....

to know and to love people and to never give up

to respect women more and their strength beyond that...

and to never forget that people will forever need a friend and and an ear

and although you may not be able to give much 

you can always love....

always

we sat down and he said

my therapy was really good yesterday....

I'm learning to ask for help.

I'm learning that I cannot fix people

and I'm learning that for all the amazing things you taught me and brought me up to be and do

It's ok if I say no

( I'm sorry Bubba)

It's ok Mom...

I learned I'm an empath and we talk about you a lot .

( I broke you)

No Mom, you didn't...

you just raised me in a way that doesn't always work for self care.

(ding*** yes....I did, and my therapist said the same thing about me and my mom)

we care too much, Mom....

and if I don't start taking care of me and stop trying to make everyone else feel better and safe around me....I won't ever be ok....

I'm learning I can say no

doing this...

I'll be better.

My heart broke for a minute, then he looked at me and said,

"Mom, it's time you do that too"

"It's ok,. you are going to be ok"

then he said, I have to tell you something else.

You never know when you will have a thing...

when someone will love you.

you just don't know...

Mom, I met someone and I didn't want to, or intend to

but they just happened and I have to be ok with it.

(yes, you can't feel guilty, Bubba....)

Mom, It's just a thing....I don't know what is happening but this person is making me feel something and I dont want to be sad forever.

(It's ok Bubba)

and mom, what I want to say it it can happen anytime.,,

you just won't know

( Bubba, I am old, not young, and I'm pretty sure I'm not in that category anymore...but I get what you are saying)

Mom, you have done more with less and if I can love or feel again....

you can too.  You can.

my heart broke

we finished our stuff and he reiterated again how this thing he has right now is only that, but it's helping him...

and he's getting out...

and his art is coming again.

I reiterated it is OK.

no one has expected him to be miserable forever.

it's all good 

from the guest room

xo,

m

365 Days: Day 226 loss

Day 226

Some days you just break.

Loss.

it is the hardest for us left behind.

A black cat crossed my path this evening as I walked Foxxy.

at this point....

It's a given.

xo,

m

Under the Milky Way...

enjoy, Perseid's Shower, my friend

365 days: day 219... cadence helps my heart (part 1)

As I ran today I looked down at my legs ... 

strong , moving forward , smooth ..... 

a lil buzz ran through my body, a shiver , a smile .... 

I stopped .   

I stood looking first at my thighs 

then towards the mountains .... 

breathing  

breathing .... 

in out .    

Slow.   

Breathe  slow .   

Fill up , let it go

 .... a flash memory and another twinge....

I stretched and looked around .... 

looked at my phone . 

nothing.  
I rubbed my palms down my thighs
Keep running, it will stop

Ch ..... ch......ch.... 

the sound of the gravel crunching as I run in almost perfect cadence to the metronome 

...180 .... 

my feet remember the stride as my mind drifts again ....

Your hand reaching with ease to the passenger side and arriving perfectly on my thigh .   

Warmth and slight heaviness,

a gentle squeeze and movement that was so comfortable I didn’t flinch .   

I looked down at that hand, as you drove to nowhere with the other.... 

not looking at me or changing expression. 

a gesture that now has me unsteady within its memory.

I traced your fingers along the top, felt the soft spot between the thumb and finger,

touched your ring.

your hand moving to hold mine,

perfectly fitting.

cadence....cadence....look out, lean forward...

for a mile the breath comes uneven then starts to find it's place with the legs and heart.

mind begins to wander again.

keep running towards the horizon...

walking quietly side by side, not speaking, unsure

your hand grazes my back with a protective like move as the door opens.

the back of our hands graze each other with closeness and I feel your finger latch lightly around mine. 

weakness....don't move away...

faster I run and break cadence, fuck it, running to a visual point in the distance.

running as fast as I can telling my brain to not stop running until I am there.

I run faster and faster in order to be done.

done

I can't breathe 

I stop and bend over, holding my side...

the tears come, hot and dry quickly in the heat.

my heart heaves with lack of breath

strong legs,

keep moving forward.

I can't 

breathe

my brain throwing thoughts left and right

why has this happened 

it's ok

you are ok

I look at my phone again.

nothing

again

except a running timer saying to move.

telling me to move

come on

do something

I start to head back

tears burning my eyes.

that feeling

a feeling my touch can't fix.

a feeling that comes so often now I want to scream

my stride has shortened and my cadence is off

I walk and my breathing is uneven 

walk, breathe, walk, breathe

hands on my waist

I squeeze 

feeling 

what you

felt

mind wanders

pull me towards you

pushed back against the car

hands lifting me up and wrapping around me

gently sitting me onto the seat of the car.

breathe, breathe, breathe 

looking at the mountains 

I know life is beautiful

life is complicated

but it is also 

often

tragically perfect

undeniably

perfect

write ya later,

xo,

m

ps I write letters, I write so many letters and they sit in a folder waiting to either destroy me or destroy someone else.

the heart is a lonely hunter some may say, 

but my heart is a beautiful writer

365 days: day 217 Undie drawer update and DIY Bracelet Organizer

Days are getting pretty swanky around here

underwear drawer is looking good

so, I couldn't just ignore the socks

or the bracelets ( this is brilliant)

I highly recommend doing this, I should have done it years ago.

I got these organizer things on Amazon

closet underwear organizer

came the next day so that I didn't lose my will or want and blammo...Undwear organized like a grownup.

Panties have a living space and every pair is open to fair use.

same with the socks.

remember, if you do this, make sure you get rid of the gross underwear too....and socks.

After I cleaned those 2 drawers I thought, "well hell...let's do something with the jewelry."

I wanted something to hang my bracelets on ( I love bracelets!)

I looked on amazon and Pinterest and really could not find anything which looked semi modern and was not killer $$

Then....I saw something...I said, I know what that is!  

A CUP HOLDER!!! 

So, I went to Target and got a coffee cup hanger thingy and it worked perfect. 16$, light wood and marble base for my rings.

woop woop.

Please see above.

genius 

I ordered this thing for my necklaces and earrings 

we will see.

I feel a bit relieved.  

I have been donating and ditching things for downsizing.

better to be prepared

Now y'all get to organizing that undies drawer.

you can thank me later

off to admire my panties

xo,

m

Ghost .......in you...she don't fade.......

tonight I have written 2 posts...I unloaded my heart and then stuffed it into the draft file
you can thank me later.

I went back to working out.
Thanks Jen!

I'm determined to get abs by Oct 29....even if no one sees them, I am going to do it.
Yup...
love me some abs....
Bought new underwear...15 pairs....15 pairs of fucking underwear.
but not really "fucking underwear" just underwear.  Because I don't fuck...or have sex, or kiss, or touch, or even really look anymore.
which gives me ample time to work....
and to go to the gym....
and read....
knit...
and organize my underwear drawer.
It's rewarding.
not.

I'm good.

I bought tickets to see Ben Harper.
it is pretty trivial, but it was a huge deal to me
I did something for myself.
I bought 2...hoping a friend would go,
because seeing and hearing music with someone is great...
it's like looking into someone's secret space when you share music...
It didn't work out.
I will still go, because it is part of becoming independent.
and I love Ben Harper.

It's all good.

The girls at work asked why I haven't met someone.
Just get a boyfriend, or a friend with benefits.
I smile and think how easy it should be.
How the men I have met are right there in front of me...
and I am not attracted.
I smile politely and listen....
and shake my head....
there is nothing there
I cannot imagine anyone looking at me,
I cannot imagine talking to someone....
or letting someone talk to me
or letting them in.

on the other side...
when he talks to me
I melt....
I cannot even.

Just take me away,

escape for a day or 3

hands,

lips,

dancing in the kitchen,

napping.

underwear....

underwear drawer....

just undies....nothing else.

A race is on I'm on your side
And hearing you my engines die
I'm in a mood for you
For running away
Stars come down in you
And love, you can't give it away
Inside you the time moves

And she don't fade
The ghost in you
She don't fade
Inside you the time moves
And she don't fade

write ya later,

m