broken nose and a WTF

I kept wondering why she was pacing back and forth. 

I glanced out of the corner of my eye and she was walking back and forth and in circles. 

Thats not like her, I thought.

As the realtor and I were finishing our discussion I heard K yell,

"Olive, holy shit...OLIVE!!!!"

As I turned she was wobbling and went face first into a tree by the edge of the driveway, 

then into a pile of  large landscape rocks.

seizure.

I yelled,"call 911" over and over again 

until I could hear the realtor giving a clear address and saying Olive's age and the situation.

Kevin was trying to turn her over, but I knew we should not move her too much, so I pushed him away and carefully flipped her 

and held her head as she screamed a primal weird scream....

her eyes looking at nothing, but everything.  

It only lasted about 10 seconds, but seemed longer.

I cradled her head and made sure she could not move it.  

I felt her nose gently....

broken for sure.

I looked at her ears,

no blood yet.

the egg all ready forming on her forehead.

The next several hours were spent at the emergency room....

standard scans and blood work.

I texted her dad before I even left the area it happened.

K...came in, 

then we decided he should leave so that when dad came he could come in with no issue.

Covid and the ER keeps people from having visitors, but because Olive was under 16...both parents or care givers, are allowed.

As K left Olive cried.

She asked me ....

"did you text dad?

why isn't he coming or texting"

He must be busy and not have his phone....

you know he would be here.....

One hour, two hours, 3 hours.....

still no answer.

"mom ....why isn't dad coming?"

well...as we were finishing our paper work....

he texted....I told her this....

"He called...He didn't have is phone...he isn't near home so he can't get back....he loves you....and is worried."

but what he really said to me...

"WTF?....I'm not near home.....and Where were YOU when this happened???

(standing next to her)

Hmmmmmmmm

sure.....makes me wonder what the fuck is going on over there"

he didn't ask how she was, or that he was going to hurry home to see if she is ok...

or....let me talk to her ....

wow that is really scary.

he said .......

Hmmmmmmm 

and questioned the situation.

my heart broke...

broke because this is not who I was with...

or was it?

It broke because I cannot and will not be able to continue to explain and cover

It broke for Olive.

She's tucked into bed with a broken nose, a concussion and a huge lump on her head.

I'm checking on her continuously ....

the dog at her side.

I want her to know I Love her so much

we all do.....

but today....

I feel different

not my love for her....

but my hope....

for love

write ya later

m

scared.........shitless just make dinner

(personal)

Tell me........

 is this a sign.  is this what I need to hear

the few days we spend 24/7 you are .....

well....

Maybe you?

swat my hand 

"get out of here, myssi"

"Do what you do"

unfortunately ,I have no where real to go ....

maybe that is the catch....

as you just said.  maybe that is the way it needs to  be....

 "I do every thing for you...."

Is that to make me feel?.....

something

or to remember how it was....

you....

cunt....

bitch....

you...you........

(just look it up..... everyone knows)

do what you do....live your best life....

 get out...

plenty of people to pick up the pieces. 

Lined up

have you once thought....

yeah

if that was what I wanted I would.

"live your best life, myssi.... go on.....I'll just hang out here"

I'm not here to fix anybody....

I'm no longer here to have anyone fix me....

I am actually good...sad ,but ok

I AM strong

but that does not mean.........

nevermind....

Keep pushing

Keep talking.....

keep.....

talking

at some point you need to listen

to 

what 

you

are

saying....

listen

have I said?

anything

all the things

you have said.

if you are scared 

shitless

then

say 

stop opening the door

for

me 

to

leave..................

I will.

xo,

m

First cut....

know what's great?
Well, this girl is gonna tell you!

This is great.....
I can have whatever I want on my phone.
I can buy what I want.
I can talk to whom ever I want
I can send whatever pic I want to anyone I want.

I can love who I want.
I can have a beer with whoever I want
I can sit and do nothing if I want.
My money is mine.

If someone says ....
lets go to "______" for the weekend, I can go.
I can go to a show with who ever I want.
I can stay out as long as I want.
If I don't want to eat dinner...
I don't have to worry about anyone else

There are many things that aren't great....
many many many.....
But lets go with what's great right here right now.
It's gonna be ok....
I'm gonna cry a lot...
I'm gonna be mad a lot....
I'm gonna miss his love and touch he used to give me ....a lot
I'm gonna miss the good things, and there were good things, many good things
I'm gonna miss his sense of humor....
I'm gonna miss just having someone here....

But....
It's gonna be ok.
for us both....
for all of us....
I hope he sees that in the end....
that being happy is good and maybe, he will eventually see I'm not the bitch he thinks I am....
that I am who I am....
I am strong....
I am funny ....
I am adventurous....
I am a mom....
I am a lover....
I am me....
I am the person he loved at one time....
I still really am.....


xo,
m

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And she's taken almost all that I've got
But if you want, I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest
'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst
But when it comes to being loved she's first
That's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
'Cause I'm sure gonna give you a try
And if you want, I'll try to love again
But baby, I'll try to love again, but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest

'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's cursed

When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst
But when it comes to being loved, she's first
That's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know

The first cut is the deepest

Baby, I know, the first cut is the deepest, baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest

'Cause when it comes to being lucky, she's curse
When it comes to lovin' me, she's worst
But when it comes to being loved, she's first

That's how I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know

365 Days: Day 226 loss

Day 226

Some days you just break.

Loss.

it is the hardest for us left behind.

A black cat crossed my path this evening as I walked Foxxy.

at this point....

It's a given.

xo,

m

Under the Milky Way...

enjoy, Perseid's Shower, my friend

Tonight it's you

saw this and thought....

yup.  

instead I say...

"fine, fuck you too"

This is bad etiquette.  In most realities it is known as burning bridges.

In my reality it is known as broken heart syndrome.

well, as of now anyways.  

I have people come and go in my life and that is expected. 

Dealing with the changes has been challenging.

I am going to be honest, the hardest part is questioning why they came in the first place.

Through the years I have tried to change my beliefs to a more ...

"it is what it is" and "people are kind and good, in general" way of thinking.

It is hard, even as a grown woman I question the intent of many.

Are they feeding off, and into, my insecurities?

or do they actually care?

Are they playing me?

well, even if they are...I believe that is more my situation and I really should not be blaming them.

I can just as easily cut that shit down and back as quickly as their snake tongues can dish it out....

yet, I tend not to.

It's ok...

Recently I have had a few men come into my life on the periphery. 

One is an old friend who I love very much. He loves me very much. We talk, we laugh, we live separate lives which will most likely never cross.  I believe it is okay.  I'm not sure I would be attracted to him if he was here and our friendship means a lot to me, and to risk that would be a deal breaker for me with him.   

I crossed paths with a friend of a friend and we have a great ability to laugh and joke with each other. Our sense of humor is identical and the snarky banter is great.  late night texts and funnies....propositions which will never come to fruition and encouragement.

These are the kind of people I adore.

Funny, flattering, honest, smart, and quick witted...

Wish they were closer to hang with...

but they are not.

One thing I also realized... is that when I find someone attractive, I look past many things. Good for them, but maybe not good for me.

It has taken me a while to realize, and to be able to acknowledge, that many people, not just myself, carry their own baggage...and they bring it with them, regardless of the type of relationship.

My response to this is: if you care about someone...

Continue to do so.

People evolve, change, and I like to think are on a constant path to enlightenment within self...

Jesus, I know these last few years have been that way for me.

Loving someone should not be hard, yet sometimes it really is...It is sometimes a challenge.

A past lover carried some , what I like to call, invisible baggage.

Everything seemed ok...as it always does with excitement and newness.

Laughter, friendship....love amazing sex...it was a good thing for our souls.

As the relationship continued I realized, my issues aside, this beautiful soul was carrying a much heavier set of bags than I could ever imagine. 

Past experiences, present, heartbreak, growth, illness, loneliness...

and I so wanted to help...

to be a friend, lover, and confidant.

then the realization was that I cannot fix people.

I was all ready in that situation, why do I want to take it on again or in addition too?

I think it is/was just me.

My heart broke for him...wanted him...and also wished for him....happiness.

For whatever reason, things happen, paths cross and lessons are learned and the hope is that with each lesson and relationship we learn how to evolve.

I need people in my life.

I am learning to accept the people who come in, even if it is just for their need to learn...

I am also learning that people sometimes come back around with a realization that love is an amazing thing and it is not always kittens and parties, but the lesson of life and adaptation that sometimes comes over time.

In my last therapy I was asked to think hard about life and love and to realize I am not missing out, but experiencing every day.  I am learning everyday. I am teaching myself to speak carefully but firmly and to know that I will know when the time is right.

Until then, 

people will come and go

lovers will come and go

but I will be here for myself

and if I need someone to stay

I should ask.

I do need people to stay

Please stay....

"everyone makes mistakes, let's figure out what happened and or went wrong so that it doesn't happen again in the future.  Let's learn from this mistake and let go of it so that we can move on to all the beauty which awaits us in the future."

amen sister

xo

write ya later....

m

ps. this song is for you  

p.s.s:I have less than a month to get my ass in shape for a bikini and beach, future posts will be about my distress of this situation, plentiful of humor and self doubt and pictures of an attempt to put this into a bikini

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you.

Tonight it's you

365 days: Don't Margarita and Text

Taco Tuesday was....well Tuesday.

I went to Jefes and had tacos.....and apparently 3 champagne margaritas.  

yup...3, with sugared rim.  I'm going to tell you they were divine.

I am also going to tell you that anyone who knows me, knows I am not supposed to drink margaritas or tequila....

unless on vacation, in another state...or preferably, country.

I do bad things on tequila.

I used to fight....

really fight.   

I'd be fun on minute and before you know it I was on someone's back pulling their hair out.

( I believe this stems from having too many brothers and from being a redhead / bartender at the time)

So....tequila was always my drink of choice after bartending in Atlanta....It made my little 5' self indestructable.

(fight club)

This is how I imagined myself, but the badass female version...

My friends, who were mostly guys would laugh and yell, 

"watch out....the little vixen has been drinking the Tequila and unless ya wanna fight....be nice".

(romper stomper)

Pretty sure this is how I looked ....

with all my friends standing behind me

Pipsqueak...that's what I was

(ps if you haven't seen those 2 movies...you should)

Anyways , today....I thought it was Wednesday, ALL DAY....

Because apparently 3 margaritas made me lose an entire day. 

Just so you know....I did work the day after and today, so in all logical terms I should have just done the math....but I guess I was so tired (aka as hung over) I lost the day. 

As I finished my shift in the Operating Room I said,

"I'm so tired I can't believe it is only Wednesday "

Gio...anesthesia Dr. looked at me and said, "What , you guys aren't off tomorrow?" ( not really listening to me)

I said, "why the heck would we be off on Thursday....it's our busiest day"

"yeah...today was Hella busy...tomorrow is Friday, little lady"

What?What! 

I was so happy I thought I was gonna have to kiss him on the lips...but 

1. realized it would not be appropriate or sterile

2. I barely know him

3. he already thinks I'm nuts...so no no kissing for joy...we will save that for next month

My night of 3 margaritas went something as follows.

Tacos....mmmmm

ok, did you just say Champagne Margaritas are a special drink today?  

I'm in...I'll have just one.

(this got a sideways slightly angry look from B)

Just one...sheesh

slurrrrrp.

B, to bathroom....

"psssst, hey...yes please...i'll have another"

then I took a few pictures of how delightful it was ...

then decided it would be proper time to bring up all the reasons I might need a divorce, in my head....

then ordered one more just for shit's sake....

then went to the bathroom because, well you know....but also because Jefe's has the best music in the bathroom...which that night as I peed was "de La Soul"

and as I sat there....enjoying the tunes....I texted someone who I should not have texted whilst drinking tequila ...or ever, knowing quite clear in my head he does not want to hear from me...but with the 3rd tequila running through my veins...

I thought, "he's my friend...it's De La Soul in the bathroom!!!!....it's awesome and he would appreciate"....

text sent....

realize text is sent....

think about crying, because, you know ...tequila...and lost love....and I was happy 2 minutes ago, now I'm sad a bit, and thinking about stuff....but mostly I'm just mad I sent the fucking text....

"For Fucks sake....stupid Margaritas!"

the girl in the next stall says

"yeah...stupid taco Tuesday!"

and I say..."but De La Soul is awesome"

then I wipe, wash and mope out to the bar.

Ok, B...let's go...

On the way home...Tequila had me open the gates of discussion 

"hey, how do YOU feel about this roommate thing we have going on?"

Blank stare...B:"why are you even starting this right now?'

I don't fucking know...."tequila?maybe?"

shhhhhh M......shhhhhhhhhhh

make it home with mouth shut

no Fight Club tonight.

Got home and decided to walk the dog so that I didn't get all Romper Stomper.

so I walked and got a few texts from friends who always seem to text at perfect times.  

I drunkenly sent texts of the golf course...

where I got a funny text back that said..."I would love to play golf poorly there with you, my friend...and I'll let ya drink tequila and fight."

and another from a girlfriend that said , "well...did ya send nekkid pics out?"

I said ...."hmmm well not yet but it is only 9:15"...

ok you got my number. :))

so...Tequila....or champagne margaritas....you got me good.  

I lost a day.

I sent a text to an old lover...

and I sent some texts to some just plain loves....

I won some and lost one...well 2...because I lost a day also.

but ...

guess what , tomorrow is Friday. and it only gets better and maybe without the help of damn tequila...

it will be all right.

write ya later,

from the Tequila Texting Fight Club Team

m

Me, Myself and I.....boom

New Job....what could possibly go wrong?

Week 2.5 at the new job and today was what I consider a cluster.

Not the happy kind of cluster,
 like a yummy cluster of grapes,
 more like a conspiracy of lemurs or a cluster of angry bees.

To say the least, it was not pretty.  Not pretty at all.

New job:

Circulating RN in surgery for eyeballs.

Yeah, you got it...who the hell decides they want to be a nurse for eyeball doctors?

Well, I'll tell you who....the person who thinks, "sure, why not...? It's always good to try something new, learn a little, make more money...how hard can it be?"

Yeah

how hard could it be....?

I'm gonna say it is about as hard as trying to get out of a too tight sports bra after a 5 mile hot and sweaty run....

very hard....not graceful and a bit comical.

Good thing my skin is thick and I can fret and freak yet know that I can say ,"fuck it"... I don't know what I am doing and they can suck it.... period

and no one died....it's eyeballs, not brains or hearts....

EYEBALLS.

oh and no one went blind.

Typical of any job, they apparently feel that 2 weeks training is sufficient. Which I think is probably a good standard for pulling weeds or cleaning cat boxes, but sterile field?  Sheesh, I can barely get my thong underwear on in the correct direction,

 so maintaining sterile field with 10 people counting on you needs more than 2 weeks. 

One surgeon said to me....

"you ARE a nurse...you must have learned this at one point."

Well, yeah....and you are a doctor, you must have learned how to slam an IV into a neck vein in a hurry at some point too, but I'm guessing if I asked you to do it now it would be difficult...

But after all you are a Doctor.

butthole

With that said,

I am basically on my own on Monday, with one week training in the Operating Room....but, don't fear, I'm not doing the surgeries....so that is a plus....

but I am mixing all the medications and making sure all runs smooth.

Lord, 

My hair is going to fall out 

but just as in everything else...

this shit isn't going to conquer my ass

What do they say now?

"Not today, Death"

I got this,

at least I think I do.

write ya later,

m 

That is if I'm not crying in the bathroom at work

Advice:The Good the Bad and the Ugly

Me....

The Good, the Bad , and the oh so Ugly

But wait....

don't run away, I'm trying to fix it...

well, to fix what I can....To adjust and try to 

"clean up my side of the street"

mike kloepfer

"is this a midlife crisis?...seriously?"

Well, M, for women, 50 is the middle and you are having a crisis, so to me...this is the exact definition of midlife crisis.

"Thank God I'm not paying for this therapy... hahaha"

I'm here to help.

M, let's talk about it.  As I hear you, you are not in crisis mode, but you are in a change mode. This we can deal with rationally and , as you like, in steps.

I like it.  

No crisis, bo panic....just one step at a time.

So, as we discussed my current situation as it had fallen the past couple of weeks I was in a more stable situation.  Head has cleared a bit, my panic for my son has settled into just an underlying fear and I am back out into my habitat of doing....

I got a trainer at the gym

Rode the motorcycle

Read

Went out without crying

and had time to be 

Therapist was good with all that

So, we got back at the task at hand. What do I do? Is it as terrible as my mind is having me think....?

Do I just need to re-evaluate and come at things at a different angle, do I accept these things?

Or do I plan a change...

change?....change....

M, you cannot change him...he is not here and I do not care for couples therapy.

What do you think about  for your near future?

"I think that I am getting old. Things are not horrible, I don't mind the roommate aspect because I have some ambient noise that keeps me calm....but I need more intimacy, connection and support."

(to keep this post short...here was the discussion and tasks)

" I want to accept my role in life, my mistakes, my personality and my things I honestly want to change....I don't want to change anyone...I'm learning, that is not my job in this life."

The session was quite eyeopening and helpful.  Just as I cannot read other's minds , they cannot read mine.  As I type this little bit of knowledge I am doing in so to laugh a bit and own it.

1. Please and thank you..."it's manners"

It is ridiculous that I think my friends know I mean "please and thank you"...everyone likes to be graciously acknowledged and that includes me, so I need to start realizing my bossy ass must do this.

I know I am bossy so I am going to try to tame that shit down too.

In terms of bossy....we discussed how growng up with 8 older brothers and 3 older sisters and a Mom who raised strong opinionated kids, I was expected to say what I needed and what I wanted.

Knowing where this comes from, maybe I can stop it.  You don't have to be bossy to be assertive. BOOM... knowledge

 2. Intimacy starts with conversation 

Conversation...??

Use open ended questions and ....here it is, the game changer for me....

open ended and then shut the fuck up.

Sir, I'm not sure....nervous I suppose....

3. Let's get your side of the street clean.

This THIS this right here....

Three years and O will be on her own numerically.  

"But I can't wait that long..."

M, it may take you that long to get your side of the street clean.  When you walk away you do not want to be dragging a trash bag with you.  You want to know your side was clean and that you looked it all over and did what you could to make it tidy and ok for the next person. 

You cannot clean the other side, that is for the other person.

So, I have my little poker stick and bag, and I'm wandering back and forth....picking up my mistakes and bullshit. Talking to people and saying , "hey correct me gently when I do that , ok? I want to be a better person and it's gonna take some work."

The last bit of time was talking about my heart. 

What do I see? Who do I see? What do I want?

We discussed my need for closeness, intimacy and touch.

She validated that.  

THAT, M is a real thing, that is NOT asking for too much, and honestly I cannot say I would put up with as much as you have, or lack of.

"But what do I do?"

Keep cleaning, we talked about the people in your life, your loves, your friends. Your needs are justifiable, maybe you try and discuss it.

"I cannot, it causes a fight, makes me feel small, makes me feel gross, makes me feel unwanted, makes me feel pointless"

M, there are people, from what I can tell, who are waiting for you. Have the discussion. It's not crisis, it is life...and life is not meant for guilt, it is to be enjoyed in whatever manner you have decided is for you....

Andrew Petcher

I have homework this week 

I sweep, I write the letters, I manage my tone and my heart....

and see what happens.

Write ya later,

m

ps:

I miss you

Lesson I am Learning : Projection is not about me

When the storm clears, and the clouds begin to part, things really become more clear. 

Quite interesting how this almost always seems to be the case. 

Comical, in fact

Strength comes in many forms and through out the years I have forgotten exactly how strong I can be.  

Recently I was tested, reminded, reinforced and a pretty amazing  feat happened. 

I saw myself for who I am, 

and what I have to offer...

and why people are in my life....

boom

Strength shows itself at strange times, and I am going to assume it is mostly at times when it is really required. The other times it just hides itself, feeding on different subjects, learning and waiting to pounce into action for recovery.

Love and kindness, on the other hand, often prances around, tossing out daisies and compliments, not necessarily draining you.... but maybe opening one up to jabs, that little by little can cause misunderstood pain.

I spoke to Miss Jody (therapy hippy) about why this happens.  Why, when one person is generally nice, loving, and kind to most people, they feel the hate the most? Do they have to carry the weight ? And when this happens...How do you continue to care and not necessarily love, but be nice?

question: Why do the few I love the most say such mean things?

Loving, even when hated....I will not waiver from that 

hate me for many things but know I love deeply to those in my life

As a human, I can honestly say, when there are people in my life I care for them.

..ups and downs, 

anger and 

life changes. 

 Once I say this person is a good soul...I protect that. I can watch friends make mistakes and suffer pain and I will 98% empathize, and if they are in the wrong..

"mistakes happen, 

own them, 

learn from them, 

look around and see who stands quietly next to you..."

they are waiting for you to realize and learn

Learning about how many people will project their hurt or failure onto you has been a bit of an eyeopener the last few weeks.

Definitely a subject I knew about, but have not recently been strong enough to realize:

 It is not me...

It is the other. 

When my heart hurt...many came forward to hold my heart in their hands and be strong when I couldn't...when I could not hold the weight of my son, my anger, and was in fear of losing my own heart to pain...

people came to me with the words of wisdom

"I love you, we love you, you are so strong Myssi and we will take care of you so that you can take care of this....You will not break"

In privacy of work quiet areas, run clubs, late night texts and calls...

people came to me and let me cry, so that I could be strong for others....

all of this hidden away from my family. 

As life has it, a few did the opposite.
a few went missing...
a few were not who I thought they could be

Growth periods in life are not instability (mentally, emotionally or physically).... 

they are strengthening...

you bend, you hurt, you question, you don't break

you learn....

Anger is never a primary emotion.

Hurt and failure usually proceed. 

Anger is a pot stirrer....and when projected often returns itself with anger.

and as full circle 

feeling of failure and hurt follow.

I need to remember this when friends project their rejections or failures on me....

it sucks dick.

 

This is exactly why I no longer hate....

I remove myself....

it's so hard....

but I don't want to think poorly of the people I loved.

I guess the lesson here is 

Forgive and Forget

everyone fights their own battles, some may seem shallow to you but are important to them.

People can dig and look for love all around 

use an app, swipe all different directions, beg for it, put on your best clothes for it, 

But that shit is organic....

it crosses your path and it stays....

it's there....

love

so many different forms and people

I suggest you try to look around and hold onto those people who do love you

you know who they are

so...stop projecting your insecurities and open up

It's pretty amazing

xo,

I'll be right here

waiting...

m

365 days : post trauma mulch therapy

A dear friend sent me an article about marriage and divorce this past week, amongst all of my family strife and trauma. I always read and or listen to whatever people send my way because:

1. they thought enough of me to send it

2. it may help

The article made me think about no matter how much life education you get you can always use a bit more help and maybe someone with a little better track record to tell you

"you are moving the correct direction."

But, My mind is a bit full right now and as I read I thought...

Does this shit really matter?  We all end up in the same place anyways....dead.

Bettering myself for who?

Me? 

When someone says to you, "You must love yourself, in order to be loved..."

I call bullshit....Makes me laugh

Look at Charles Manson....

he's a piece of shit, but people love him

oh, but wait, 

He loved the shit out of himself.

...Back on track...

Does changing my entire life at 50 even make a difference to anyone?  

Yes, I need to make myself happy, and I am working towards that, but even when my change in status happens, will there be a change?

that is the 500k question.

Three weeks ago I started private therapy sessions, to mainly see if I can correct this great sense of guilt and need to take care of everyone's needs short of my own...Also, I am working towards some life changes which I am finding extremely difficult because of the first issue of guilt.

My new therapist pre-warned me she accidentally says "fuck" sometimes and contrary to her flowey, hippy, royal colored outfit, I really connected.

She let me cry about my recent trauma my son experienced which has left me fearing for his life and my poor parenting skills.

Then she asked me about my life.

Why do I go back and forth on things like a poorly operated amusement park ride?
Me:

"It's not good...but it's not horrible....I won't die if I stay where I am at....but my soul may die...."

She looked me right in the eye and said ...

"WTF?"

shit or get off the pot.

quit overthinking...get out of your overworking brilliant mind and connect with life.

She asked me to make a grand change , but not too grand, before I came back to see her.

So that night, moving quickly, so that I did not have time to dwell.

I quit my job and took a closer job, with more pay, at something I have never done before in my life.

barely told anyone.....just sent the resignation and the acceptance letters all in less than 20 minutes...

then thought I would literally die...

dead....

but I did not.

I took a breath and thought about what my son is going through and said ,

"grow a fucking pair, M....this is just daily life...not death or anywhere close....ya silly twat"

Next she asked how my parental family interacted....

I said, "they are dead" so I'm good there.

oh!? you want to know their interaction when I was growing up?

yeah.  

My mom was a caregiver for my dad who had Alzheimer's for as long as I can remember....

she pretty much sacrificed the best time of her adult life to make sure Dad was safe, loved and cared for in a dignified manner.

..."So, your mom was a caregiver for your dad and 12 kids...she never left because 1. she loved him...and 2. she owed him for taking care of her when they met? ....hmmmm, M...does that sound familiar to you?"

fuck holes.  

"maybe"

Why are you not mad about your current situation?  I see an intelligent, attractive, funny, albeit overthinking, very available woman, with quite a bit to offer, that is getting nothing in return.,,,

Why have you not gotten angry? why ?

Go home...

do one big task and think about the rest...

I'll see you in 2 weeks.

one week...

task one completed but still unable to address the main situation.

I have quietly been laughing at myself.

trying to get back into my normal life post the last few weeks.

Working out, running, taking a million pictures no one sees, writing, actually riding my Moto....and connecting with people who have been trying to connect yet I have closed them out.

It feels pretty good and soothing...not stressful.

questioning if this is apathy...that I don't care what he will think....or is it the start of a fuller independence?

Independence wise I threw 80 bags of mulch down around the huge ass yard, because this is what you do around here....I packed more things in case I want to just walk away.

looked at studios and such even though people say....

you shouldn't move...

you should get to stay.

maybe I don't want to 

4/8/19

post mulch...no makeup...no filter...just me...

Feel free to offer any advice, article , love, you may have in the comments.

I'm open.

my heart is open.

my humor is there....

ha

write ya later,

m

the getaway, the racist neighbor and the inability to relax

3/14/19

'moonshine'

oh....the racist neighbor....

he appeared from next door, moonshine in hand ....

"ya'll got Lawn Jockeys where you come from?"

uhmmmm

I'm sure somewhere but not like around here.

"Yeah I bet they paint them white where you live"

(just pour it big boy)

I shook my head and waited for him to get to pouring the moonshine from the jar.

I don't miss much from the South, short of the Gulf Coast water, boiled peanuts and the moonshine.

Nothing like a nice warm jar of liquid fire to help make you think about what's wrong in the world.

The key to drinking moonshine with people you don't know well, is to laugh, pay attention, listen and try, just try, to keep your mouth shut. 

Moonshine drinking is not the time to voice any political opinions, ways of life, or who you may think is the greatest Nascar driver to date. 

Just don't 

"down the gullet and opinions closed"

I made it through the night, without a single vegetarian , race, presidential, or NASCAR comment leaking from my moonshine covered lips.

it was a good night....

others did not fare so well.

The subject of Palestinians and Jews popped out during the last 2 inches of jarred fire and at that point I excused myself to practice moonwalking around the kitchen with Sissy and a quick twerking lesson from another person.

I travel to Nashville a few times a year to relax and see Sissy. This time it was to just get away, escape, and think.

Sissy....post moonwalking 

Surprisingly enough I did not have a hangover the following day and was able to meander around Spring Hill a bit and try to relax...get my liver in order for St. Patrick's Day.

Wandering around Spring Hill included the Tractor Store, the town hot spot, where I was able to treat myself to a $9 'Heifer Please' t-shirt, evaluate the baby chicks, and look at all the bedazzled cowboy jeans....

It's the little things.

When I'm in Nashville, I am just me...I often don't wear makeup or fix my hair. I lounge about watching the bird feeder, admiring the Spring blooms and never really eat a full meal.

me....

popcorn tree aka cherry blossom

It's perfect. We go out and I go out as is and make conversation with anyone who approaches. 

Golf with a grey haired man at the bar, cool eyeglasses with a beautiful 20 something who "loved my look" and a lot of "let me check out your shirt 'lil mama' "from good looking young men enjoying the Irish beer and what nots.

escape for me....talk, smile, laugh, mingle...

Escaping or running away from problems often seems like a great idea...until you have to come back, then it is much worse. 

Almost as if things compile at a different level.

Like the spirits that be are trying to teach you another lesson on top of the shitty lesson you are all ready trying to figure out.

I talked a lot of stuff out and the main thing I was able to establish was that I need to keep talking to someone. I told Sissy, "but they (therapists) don't, and won't give me answers..."

She replied, " but it is going to help you figure it all out at some point."

We talked about going from relationship to relationship and being alone for a while.

I want to be alone, but I also want to be near my friends. 

"have you ever been alone?"

yes, but within that alone I have always had my people close to me.  I have always been very solo, especially when single. (hell, I'm so solo now it's ridiculous...) Going out , outside my circle...meeting people none of my friends knew...but yet I have always had my friends to come home to.  Those friends who are always there...the people who just come and sit on the couch and hang. Slumber party friends, cuddle up friends, 'we got this' friends....

So....

 alone? 

 maybe not....

I am an extrovert who lives inside her brain....alone.

Overthinking and very awkward,

yet seem to draw people to me within this weird personality default.

overthinking and awkward....

but so full of love.

write ya later

m