sex and anxiety and the real fix

I spend so much of my life caring for others.   

Yes, it is part of my job... but it also is me.

I overthink , over love, over stress, and over care.

Lately, not sure if it is due to new work...

the classic Fear of Missing Out....

or the fact my lists are moving too fast and I'm not sure I'm ready for so much change....

I have been experiencing some anxiety.

This is not a new thing. It comes and goes and I keep pretty quiet about it.

Friends comment, "settle down, relax....get a massage" but I'm not sure they understand the underlying feeling of unrest.

Denver graffiti

This is how I feel on the inside

I have found a few things which I use to slow me down...

Run, knit, workout, or have sex.  

not in that order...just those are what seem to calm the beast.

Usually it is this:

knitting, which uses my brain to keep track of stitches stops the worry.

Running and/or working out is always good....

although, sometimes I don't feel like it....

which causes more stress.

then there is :

Sex, oh sweet sex,

As a caregiver and hugger of all, I cherish not just sex....but touch.

I need touch.

It soothes my soul and calms me.

A hand on my leg....it's so calming.

 it says, " I am here, with you...I am here.

I feel that this is where much of my angst has come from in the past few years.

I go months to years without any touch...

short of a hug from O, or a given hug to a friend.

I go months to usually years without sex...

short of myself ( but we won't count that).

It's the closeness I miss mostly....

Intimacy...

the heaviness of another person encompassing you and looking into your eyes.

It is a weird sense of calming for me.

Losing this in my life has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

People may ask, why is this an issue? 

my only answer is

"it just is...maybe punishment for a past life?"

it just is

The fear of never experiencing it again riddles me with anxiety...

The key is not to think...

not to fall in love...

keep to self and don't let that door open again.

because when that door opens, the receiving end is going to be bombarded with so much 

love, attention, touch, laughter and goodness that they need to be ready...

they will never have to look again...

putting the thought of growing old alone to rest...

but

right now, I just watch and tae care of self and friends...loving in the ways they need as friends.

I know I am perfectly capable of caring for and calming myself...

but closeness....

yes.

I need it.

my mind needs it...

Prioritizing me is something I am learning. 

I prioritize the care of everyone around me...

It makes up for the lack of other loss in my life.

But my list now includes me, 

and my needs, which seems selfish, but it is time.

365 days : post trauma mulch therapy

A dear friend sent me an article about marriage and divorce this past week, amongst all of my family strife and trauma. I always read and or listen to whatever people send my way because:

1. they thought enough of me to send it

2. it may help

The article made me think about no matter how much life education you get you can always use a bit more help and maybe someone with a little better track record to tell you

"you are moving the correct direction."

But, My mind is a bit full right now and as I read I thought...

Does this shit really matter?  We all end up in the same place anyways....dead.

Bettering myself for who?

Me? 

When someone says to you, "You must love yourself, in order to be loved..."

I call bullshit....Makes me laugh

Look at Charles Manson....

he's a piece of shit, but people love him

oh, but wait, 

He loved the shit out of himself.

...Back on track...

Does changing my entire life at 50 even make a difference to anyone?  

Yes, I need to make myself happy, and I am working towards that, but even when my change in status happens, will there be a change?

that is the 500k question.

Three weeks ago I started private therapy sessions, to mainly see if I can correct this great sense of guilt and need to take care of everyone's needs short of my own...Also, I am working towards some life changes which I am finding extremely difficult because of the first issue of guilt.

My new therapist pre-warned me she accidentally says "fuck" sometimes and contrary to her flowey, hippy, royal colored outfit, I really connected.

She let me cry about my recent trauma my son experienced which has left me fearing for his life and my poor parenting skills.

Then she asked me about my life.

Why do I go back and forth on things like a poorly operated amusement park ride?
Me:

"It's not good...but it's not horrible....I won't die if I stay where I am at....but my soul may die...."

She looked me right in the eye and said ...

"WTF?"

shit or get off the pot.

quit overthinking...get out of your overworking brilliant mind and connect with life.

She asked me to make a grand change , but not too grand, before I came back to see her.

So that night, moving quickly, so that I did not have time to dwell.

I quit my job and took a closer job, with more pay, at something I have never done before in my life.

barely told anyone.....just sent the resignation and the acceptance letters all in less than 20 minutes...

then thought I would literally die...

dead....

but I did not.

I took a breath and thought about what my son is going through and said ,

"grow a fucking pair, M....this is just daily life...not death or anywhere close....ya silly twat"

Next she asked how my parental family interacted....

I said, "they are dead" so I'm good there.

oh!? you want to know their interaction when I was growing up?

yeah.  

My mom was a caregiver for my dad who had Alzheimer's for as long as I can remember....

she pretty much sacrificed the best time of her adult life to make sure Dad was safe, loved and cared for in a dignified manner.

..."So, your mom was a caregiver for your dad and 12 kids...she never left because 1. she loved him...and 2. she owed him for taking care of her when they met? ....hmmmm, M...does that sound familiar to you?"

fuck holes.  

"maybe"

Why are you not mad about your current situation?  I see an intelligent, attractive, funny, albeit overthinking, very available woman, with quite a bit to offer, that is getting nothing in return.,,,

Why have you not gotten angry? why ?

Go home...

do one big task and think about the rest...

I'll see you in 2 weeks.

one week...

task one completed but still unable to address the main situation.

I have quietly been laughing at myself.

trying to get back into my normal life post the last few weeks.

Working out, running, taking a million pictures no one sees, writing, actually riding my Moto....and connecting with people who have been trying to connect yet I have closed them out.

It feels pretty good and soothing...not stressful.

questioning if this is apathy...that I don't care what he will think....or is it the start of a fuller independence?

Independence wise I threw 80 bags of mulch down around the huge ass yard, because this is what you do around here....I packed more things in case I want to just walk away.

looked at studios and such even though people say....

you shouldn't move...

you should get to stay.

maybe I don't want to 

4/8/19

post mulch...no makeup...no filter...just me...

Feel free to offer any advice, article , love, you may have in the comments.

I'm open.

my heart is open.

my humor is there....

ha

write ya later,

m

Life is like a knitted sock

I used to do a picture a day....I'm not sure I can anymore because my life is pretty non picturesque ...but I'm starting today

2/4/19

This is a knitted sock I have been working on forever . I’m starting to think this sock is a metaphor for my life and current situation.

It's a sock, the colors are not great, there is nothing super special about it, it has taken forever to get to the point it's at, and the more I look at it, the more I realize that even if I finish it, I most likely will not make another one.

Unless ..... unless this turns out better than expected.

The funny thing is that I always, well, 98% of the time, finish things, even if it is not good. I have friends who quit, friends who rip things out and friends who just stuff it away in a drawer.  All of those are viable answers, but for me, I have to see things through.

This sock contains many mistakes, each one I learned from. 

I can see multiple just looking at that picture right there.  Because I'm not done, I'm sure there will be more mistakes and lessons to learn in the near future with this ugly sock....

but I'll finish it....I've put quite a bit of effort into it all ready. 

Hopefully when I am done, I will be able to know the mistakes I made, and will have learned how to not make those mistakes again, or at least as badly...

and when it's time to knit another sock....

it may not be perfect, but it will be better. 

It's a guarantee, because I do pay attention.

I learned this about myself. I'm a pain in the ass, and I often have been guilty of not following the pattern.  This often causes problems, misunderstandings and dropped stitches. But it is honestly nothing that cannot be corrected with a little time, patience, sometimes some help from a friend or two, an occasional discussion, maybe a bit of a reworking and then some good old self forgiveness that you fucked it up by not following the directions or knitting rules.  

I have a friend , Ashley ( I like to call her lovingly, Snatchly)... she says to me, "the pattern is just a suggested guide, you only learn by veering off a little bit once in a while....happy little mistakes"

happy little mistakes.

( I think she got that from Bob Ross)

( from Etsy.com somewhere)

There have only been a few knitting projects I absolutely hated and pulled apart in despair.

I destroyed them....

yup, my fault entirely...

Frustrated and confused with the most simple projects, I destroyed them, and there was no fixing them.

As sad as it is to have wasted all that beautiful yarn and time, sometimes you just can't go back and reknit it anymore.  The yarn is too stretched or bumped and becomes ugly and just won't work. It is never as pretty as it should have been.

Maybe the best thing to do is, not throw it away, but to carefully unknit it....rinse it in cool water, ball it all up nicely and give it to someone who can take the time to appreciate it again and make it work.

Really make it work.

It's only fair.

The last bit about that sock up there, and all the other socks I have tried and failed so miserably;

I can't be mad at myself.  No one is ever that great at something new.  It takes practice, and stupid mistakes happen, like forgetting to count the stitches and place the important markers right where they need to be so you don't get off track.

Just remember, you can do better with practice and a little help from friends, and youTube.

and don't give up.

It's only a sock, a tiny part if your life.

write ya later,

xo, 

m

I really do love you

With a Little Help from My Friends

The Beatles

What would you think if i sang out of tune,
would you stand up and walk out on me?
lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song
and i'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends
mm, i get high with a little help from my friends
mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
What do i do when my love is away
(does it worry you to be alone?)
how do i feel by the end of the day,
(are you sad because you're on your own?)
No, i get by with a little help from my friends
mm, i get high with a little help from my friends
mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
i need somebody to love
could it be anybody
i want somebody to love.
Would you believe in a love at first sight
yes, i'm certain that it happens all the time
what do you see when you turn out the light
i can't tell you but i know it's mine,
Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends
mm, i get high with a little help from my friends
mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
i just need someone to love
could it be anybody
i want somebody to love.
Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends
with a little help from my friends.

craft room disaster

Room is painted. I'm not sure why I choose to do these things.  I guess it gives me some sense of being able to fix something.  Anything.

Bobby ended up helping me "cut in " the paint because I always get the ceiling.  I chose my two favorite colors: tangerine and green...with white.  I love the 70s mod colors.

this is in no way my completed project...this is much too nice...but these are the colors I used.

My shit is all over the place.  I have cleaned up more mouse poop in the past 2 days then I ever did working on the farm.  Who knew we were infested in the laundry room?  Not anymore.  

I have cleaned and bleached and if I show up dead or deathly ill in a month, it's Huntavirus (sp?)

While I wait for paint to dry and for Bobby to sand the last part where we had to re plaster the wall...Note to self...don't try to chip that tiny piece off...it always opens a can of worms I am sitting in the crappy computer room looking at what to do with all this fabric.

I have ironed little scraps

 i have ripped fabric meant for the garbage into strips

oh my god....mess

i'm worried I won't be able to get this all back together.   So I sit here making fabric for the garbage into balls of fabric yarn I can make something with.   All my best ideas come when I am not able to do anything  i.e: craft room non functioning.

Well, I'll keep ya posted,   I really should try to go for a run.  Its bee 2 weeks since the boob surgery.  My pants are tight.  

xo,

write ya later

m

leaky tub=hole in ceiling

If it's not one thing its another.

The tub was leaking, which meant it went into the floor and traveled to the ceiling underneath which traveled to the floor there...ie: hole

Whatever, I have told myself I am not going to stress over things I can't control. 

So I called the plumber, Mike's Plumbing.

He came, he saw, he shook his head, he fixed....

50$ 

and no plumber crack

(which was a bummer because he was quite easy on the eyes.)

now I have to fix the hole.

I want a new bathroom, but not really feasible right now.

Things happen, and if you think they don't you live in a fantasy world of unicorns and fairy dust.

This is minor compared to most.

LIFE UPDATE :

finished a knitting project

working on a knitting thing for a dear (wink wink) friend

Start training at a new location in the hospital Wed.  (Telemetry!)

Start phase 2 of P90x  (and no...i see no change in my body, except that i'm a bit firmer)

Kids are back to school (thank god)

weekend goodness...

Ilin Blue, the 13 year old, treated us to a dinner of homemade Pad Thai using this simple recipe at Brownies for Dinner.  I think he even impressed himself.

Plain ol Pad Thai...

mmmm

mmmm good.

try it!

then on top of that, Bobby sat outside and fixed my Motorcycle...It's been sitting there taking up space for 10 years....10 YEARS!!!

He took it apart, blew out the carbs, put it back together, polished it up and said, "hey, got that bike runnin'"

awwww.

I rode it to the gas station and when I came back all three were standing in the driveway.  I said, "how'd I look?"

they all said, in unison, 

"SLOW!!!"

isn't she cute?

Bobby doesn't ride, but maybe he will learn.

I offered him a ride on the back, but he said..."I ain't no ones bitch"...hahahaha