365 days : post trauma mulch therapy

A dear friend sent me an article about marriage and divorce this past week, amongst all of my family strife and trauma. I always read and or listen to whatever people send my way because:

1. they thought enough of me to send it

2. it may help

The article made me think about no matter how much life education you get you can always use a bit more help and maybe someone with a little better track record to tell you

"you are moving the correct direction."

But, My mind is a bit full right now and as I read I thought...

Does this shit really matter?  We all end up in the same place anyways....dead.

Bettering myself for who?

Me? 

When someone says to you, "You must love yourself, in order to be loved..."

I call bullshit....Makes me laugh

Look at Charles Manson....

he's a piece of shit, but people love him

oh, but wait, 

He loved the shit out of himself.

...Back on track...

Does changing my entire life at 50 even make a difference to anyone?  

Yes, I need to make myself happy, and I am working towards that, but even when my change in status happens, will there be a change?

that is the 500k question.

Three weeks ago I started private therapy sessions, to mainly see if I can correct this great sense of guilt and need to take care of everyone's needs short of my own...Also, I am working towards some life changes which I am finding extremely difficult because of the first issue of guilt.

My new therapist pre-warned me she accidentally says "fuck" sometimes and contrary to her flowey, hippy, royal colored outfit, I really connected.

She let me cry about my recent trauma my son experienced which has left me fearing for his life and my poor parenting skills.

Then she asked me about my life.

Why do I go back and forth on things like a poorly operated amusement park ride?
Me:

"It's not good...but it's not horrible....I won't die if I stay where I am at....but my soul may die...."

She looked me right in the eye and said ...

"WTF?"

shit or get off the pot.

quit overthinking...get out of your overworking brilliant mind and connect with life.

She asked me to make a grand change , but not too grand, before I came back to see her.

So that night, moving quickly, so that I did not have time to dwell.

I quit my job and took a closer job, with more pay, at something I have never done before in my life.

barely told anyone.....just sent the resignation and the acceptance letters all in less than 20 minutes...

then thought I would literally die...

dead....

but I did not.

I took a breath and thought about what my son is going through and said ,

"grow a fucking pair, M....this is just daily life...not death or anywhere close....ya silly twat"

Next she asked how my parental family interacted....

I said, "they are dead" so I'm good there.

oh!? you want to know their interaction when I was growing up?

yeah.  

My mom was a caregiver for my dad who had Alzheimer's for as long as I can remember....

she pretty much sacrificed the best time of her adult life to make sure Dad was safe, loved and cared for in a dignified manner.

..."So, your mom was a caregiver for your dad and 12 kids...she never left because 1. she loved him...and 2. she owed him for taking care of her when they met? ....hmmmm, M...does that sound familiar to you?"

fuck holes.  

"maybe"

Why are you not mad about your current situation?  I see an intelligent, attractive, funny, albeit overthinking, very available woman, with quite a bit to offer, that is getting nothing in return.,,,

Why have you not gotten angry? why ?

Go home...

do one big task and think about the rest...

I'll see you in 2 weeks.

one week...

task one completed but still unable to address the main situation.

I have quietly been laughing at myself.

trying to get back into my normal life post the last few weeks.

Working out, running, taking a million pictures no one sees, writing, actually riding my Moto....and connecting with people who have been trying to connect yet I have closed them out.

It feels pretty good and soothing...not stressful.

questioning if this is apathy...that I don't care what he will think....or is it the start of a fuller independence?

Independence wise I threw 80 bags of mulch down around the huge ass yard, because this is what you do around here....I packed more things in case I want to just walk away.

looked at studios and such even though people say....

you shouldn't move...

you should get to stay.

maybe I don't want to 

4/8/19

post mulch...no makeup...no filter...just me...

Feel free to offer any advice, article , love, you may have in the comments.

I'm open.

my heart is open.

my humor is there....

ha

write ya later,

m

Traveling to Costa Rica -- Our Budget

So we have been wanting to go to Costa Rica for a vacation and we bagan planning a good 9 months in advance , well, because that is how I roll.  Plus I am cheap and like to know what everything costs and get the best deal.  First and foremost:  I signed up for hotels.com and we also have a southwest credit card.   I paid for everything on the CC then repaid wth the money I had saved through the year. This way I had the money. I was't accruing debt and when I paid the CC bill I also was able to get points for future flights.  I love this!   But please....dont make debt for a vacation.  Save ahead. Plan ahead

We are traveling as a family of 3 and my sister decide to go too...so if you want to go by our budget this would work well for 2 couples sharing a room or if it was just a family of 3 it may be a bit cheaper.   I'll tell you as a couple you could do this for less....but I will break it down for you,

This budget is for 9 days, hotels and tickets but no food or incrementals .  Ill try to include that after the vacation for those planning ahead.  Once I know exactly how much everything costs.

 It also includes the exit tax which I heard was needed to leave. :)

(except after the election, we may not want to come back!)

We had looked at VRBO and other places. There are so many amazing places to go and stay, but we decided for our first venture we would use Hotels.com.   

I was able to use my sign in acct and on Fridays they often had 50% off so many nice hotels are cheap. I will update and review the hotels once we travel.

So here is the breakdown of the costs.  We flew SW.  

Ill keep you posted on more as I figure it out .

write ya later

m

Bad Camera Setting, bummer

Ok OK   It's nothing like going on a mini vacation, taking 200 pictures then realizing the aperture is screwed up.   I should have left the lens cap on, then at least I wouldn't have "kind of" seen the pics.

We stayed in a tiny little hotel in Camarillo, when I woke up in the morning this is what was parked next to us. 

 I wanted to see it do that Hoppy thing but the owners didn't seem like the type to turn on the Hydraulics for some out of state redhead.  Also, Bobby said he needed coffee before dealing with gangsters....so I,let it go.

I went to the Thousand Oaks Botanical Walk

Went to Indie West Fest...and saw lots of naturalized forms of the natives

The best part was the Santa Monica Pier, because there was nothing stressful or "things" we needed to do.

I still didn't get to go to Ikea, because Bobby kept saying it was at least 2 hours from where we were...THEN some nice girl said to me, "you know....it's only about 30 minutes away?"  I could have killed him, but because I was on vacation and it was his little shindig, I let it slide....One more year without Ikea won't kill me.

Most of the pictures were at a poor setting so nothing came out...that and I looked fat.  

So I'll see if I can edit them and show some.

I really must learn to use my camera

vacations....always seem to find the $$$

I can wander around this house like an ol miser. 

 "NO, that's too expensive....NO...get the cheap stuff!!!  NO NO NO"

yet I always seem to find the dough for vacations.

Maybe its a hidden talent.

???

Of course if something bad happens our measly savings is now invested in 9 days of plane tickets and condos in Destin, FL.

heehee

Along with our summer shindig.  Bobby and I will be taking our first vacation EVER without the kids.  Not really a vacation, but he will be playing a festival n Ca.  

The Indie West Fest

http://indiewestfest.com/

All kinds of great bands...go check it out.

Anyways, anyone in that area over the 6/4 weekend?

what is there to do in CA ?

I want to stay a night in Hollywood...

We will see.

Would love to have someone take me shopping and out to eat.

:)

mmmmm vacations

365 days of my life #88

IMG_3260, originally uploaded by v8grrl.

Spring Break...this is where our vacation started and stopped. Lovely, huh?

vacation in wonderland

Wonderland.  To me this would be Heaven as a child. A vacation spot to smile about.

I would take the tiny honeymoon sweet in the color of orange.

We try to vacation every year, but as prices of airline tickets get higher it seems harder and harder.  As a child we grew up in a spot where other people came to visit.

Destin Florida. 

A traveler's paradise.  

I don't really remember traveling in the summer as I got older.  My parents were comfortable in their area of the world.  Why travel when you live in paradise?

I on the other hand, right now, dream of travel....

it seems almost continuously, but I have this guilt of going anywhere without the kids.

Yet, when we do travel with the kids it often appears they could really care less about the actual vacation spot.  They enjoy the process, but once there it is always, "is this it?"

Even Disney leaves them asking, "is this all we are doing?"

So, is it ok to travel without the kids?

I feel it is something my marriage could use, desperately.

I was here, looking at plane tickets for all of us as a family and just discovered that for the price for all of us to go to our "normal" vacation spot, Bobby and I could take a trip to Europe with $$$ to spare.

We could take a trip anywhere, actually.

But...will the kids be ok with it?

What is this parental guilt I have?

Does anyone else have it?

help

Yo...I'm at the beach try back later

I'll be around...just not as much...but knowing my family...I will have plenty of stuff to blog about

Weekend

6 more days till the beach. Our weekend was full and exhausting. The highlight, by far, was Rylands #5 Bday. Synda did face painting and really out did herself as usual. The kids were all well behaved and appeared to have fun, which made it easy for all of us to sit down and enjoy a few margaritas and beer.

Friday night went to Artwalk in our little town and walked around. We Found this great vintage lawn seating set. Bobby spent the weekend repainting it to match our other chairs, then my job will be to make the cushions. I'll take pictures soon. It came with this awesome 1960"s yellow polkadotted umbrella which will be a perfect theme for the back deck. Circus inpsired.

Saturday was the birthday party and clean up around the house. Then Sunday, Bobby finished the chairs/seats, put new brakes on the car and I spent the morning making shorts for the wedding for Ilin. They actually came out just like the shorts all the big guys are wearing. They are a bit Fugly, but I didn't pick them and for a beach wedding, this is what you wear, linen Beachy drawstring. I didn't have a pattern so it took me about 4 hours, mostly because I initially hemmed one of the pockets backwards and had to do a redo. I hope someone brings an iron.

Sunday evening, after Olive's swim class, which she failed again, we were all exhausted. The kids made their famous "health Mac n Chz, with mixed veggies in it and Bobby and I had burgers...relaxing on the back deck. This week is going to be hellish getting everyone ready, but it will be worth it.

I'll post the chair pictures tonight.
write ya later
m

Ilin Blue is off....

Disney World!!!

He and his dad and other family received a trip for Princess Zoey from Make a Wish Foundation.
(Olive....Zoey)
What a great week they will have. We have had to keep it under wraps because his other little sissy, Princess Olive, does not get the picture straight about not being part of "their" family.
Hard concept for 4 yr olds.
Anyways, Ilin is excited, although the kid does not, and has not ever, ridden any of the rides. He's scared to death of them....he once attempted to jump out of the "Frog Hopper" ride at the Lakeside Amusement Park Kiddie Land. It was so frightening the ride attendant had to stop the ride. So, with that said we have been amping him up to at least try Peter Pan's ride or maybe the Haunted House , which is funny, but you can still see the look of fear in the kid's eyes.
Hard to experience Disney Magic when you won't step one foot near it and when your little sisters seem to show no fear of anything.

Have fun BUBBA!!!!