Judgey Judgey...Just love the way ya do...

Just be happy

So many things to be happy for

See this? 

Yeah those jerks in the picture with me?

They are happy...

The bald one in the middle (alopecia...go back and read) has no real reason to smile like that, yet he does.

He is part of my inspiration to be this person for him

Loving him through trauma was so difficult as a parent.

To love, fear, protect, and try to stay strong was fucking hard!

But look, 

He is still very much alive, and smiling.

The other one?  

Olive Bijie.

Together we are tackling teen years; her learning that boys want to touch your boobs, regardless of age, and how to traverse nicely through divorce and still smile.

She keeps my emotions in check and by that I mean:

She pisses me off, she makes me laugh, she films me way too much for Tik Tok and Snapchat and I have learned to be beautiful for her....

even when I look in the mirror and see ugly.

She sees beautiful.

I want the people I love and even the ones that I am not super fond of right now to see the beauty in love.

We are strong and love comes in so many different forms.

Do we need to question the way one person loves, feels love, or finds love against another?

I don't really think so.

If something makes you happy or feel loved or beautiful 

do it.

fuck it.

Some people like S&M,

some people like holding hands...

Some people like 3 or 4 people and some people like animals 

(although I may have to frown upon doing stuff with animals ,,, not sure they can consent)

But what I am saying is what makes you happy and beautiful should be ok.

and accepted.

They said Bubba should not be in love again....

it hasn't even been 6 months since his girlfriend died.

but who the hell wrote that rule?

Why does he have to hide and pretend he isn't in love with someone?

He is in love...

and it's ok.

love is awesome.

That girl...Olive Bijie.

She is in love every day...

until one such love tries to touch her boob or hold her hand.

She's almost 16 and not ready for that kind of love....

and that's ok, too

I told her...

"they will be there when you are ready"

How will I know when I am ready, Mom?

"because you won't mind when they touch your boob

....simple as that....

you might even want them to"

Gross, Mom...not gonna happen.

yes, yes it will.

So for everyone reading.

lets love more and fight less

let's give some money to the guy on the corner...

just because he loves booze doesn't mean you can't give him a boost.

Let's connect with old friends 

Lets understand that just living a life isn't really living....

until you start loving.

and if you are in a situation where you have no love...

fucking change that shit.

because we all deserve it.

and maybe let someone hold your hand and or touch your boob once in a while.

seriously.

lighten up.

quit being so damn judgey judgey.

and PS:

write ya later,

m

now go hug someone

I Drug Tested my Teen

Yup, I sure did.  He's been acting weird.  He's been lying about weird things and not remembering anything.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  On the way home from work I stopped at Walgreens and got one of those drug tests that checks for anything and everything.  The little voice in my head said to be ready for what it might reveal, I told that voice to shut up.  I know...I know.

I got home, marched up the stairs handed him the cup and said,  "Look.  You have been acting the fool the lately, I don't know what's going on and I need to know.  Would you like to tell me what this is going to say before you pee in the cup?  it's your chance to be honest."  He looked me in the eye and said, "It's going to be clean"
I thought to myself...sure it is buddy...you apparently don't know how long that shit stays in your system.   I say, "you sure?  I'm doing this because I love you" (classic mom line)" Right now I don't trust you and I need to get you and us back on track.   Are you scared?"  He said , "yeah, just because it's weird, but I understand why you are doing it....and mom, It's going to be clean.  I haven't smoked pot in over a month, from the last big talk we had.... I decided then I had to stop."

off to pee

I had him set it on his dresser and we stuck the cardboard thing in with 8 windows to check everything from pot and alcohol to meth and heroine....and we waited.  10 minutes staring at his nice clear yellow pee and watching for the double red lines to appear in each window.   Ever so slowly the double sets of lines like 8 tiny pregnancy tests started to appear.  There was one which was a bit faint...."What's that one?"    That my son is THC...weed.  He looked at me then looked at the card and said "look the lines are there!...I TOLD you....one month or more it has been."

He was clean.  17 years old....and clean.   I was not clean of anything at 17.  You could have waved that card above my pee and it would say....FAIL.  I was happy for him, I was happy I could tell my other half...he's not on drugs...but not happy that it doesn't give us any reason for the decisions he is making.

Being a teen sucks ass.  I can mark the month on the calendar when things started to go from good decisions to I don't give a fuck decisions.  I can say I don't blame him.  The kid lost all his hair when he started high school....1 month later the kid contracted Tuberculosis.... 2 weeks later he got hit by a car on his bike and was charge with riding on the sidewalk  and had to pay for the rich lady's car who rolled a stop sign.  Is life fair?  Fuck no...but that doesn't mean I can baby my favorite child.
This kid was my savior, this kid I had plans for, this kid I spent days at home reading to him and using flash cards, and telling him how amazing he was.

this kid who is gifted and failing high school was not in my plan.

at least I can say it is not drug related...and I can also say that he gave me a hug afterwards, as I cried and told him why I am so scared for him...He just said..."Mom, I love you...I am not mad...I understand, I'm scared for me too sometimes ."....and maybe that is enough

Xo,
m

Raising a Smart Teen is a Pain in the Ass

Raising a teen is weird.  

I'm not sure if we can really call it "raising"…it's more like push, shove, yell, cry, threaten and a shit ton of praying.

no kid comes with a guide book and honestly, teens are super scary bizarre.

This book would do my family no good.

Here are a few of the reasons:

1.  They have access to everything.  and I mean everything.  

When we were kids we had to use the Dewey Decimal System and if you were slightly lazy or dyslexic you gave up on finding out information first hand pretty quickly. Easiest ways were National Geographic and friend of a friend system.  You had to wait for a friend to fill you in from either their big sister's experience or their own personal…and sometimes even from a friend of a friend.  You remember. " My cousin's older sister's best friend, said if you smoke Virginia Slim Menthols they taste like candy"   

Now they just google it, or learn about it on Grand Theft Auto.

2. same genre. 

 I had to read every stinking one of Judy Blume's books to learn how to semi french kiss then when it was time I still did it wrong.  Same with my period.  If I didn't have Judy Blume I would have died in 7th grade not knowing if I would EVER get my period and why did all my friends get theirs first!?

now?  they just google it and half the girls are so GMO'd up they have boobies and start their periods in 4th grade.

Let's not even talk abut the porn factor and the search for Playboys in the woods. (and don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about)

3. Drugs they have now are bad ass.  

Sure we had coke, pills and acid…pot too.  We did our share and honestly Jungle Juice and Mad Dog were probably the most dangerous for our group.  Now I have to worry about Molly, Meth and her little sister Heroin.  It's one of my favorite thoughts.  My all ready slightly stupid teen decides to try out a lil toke on a meth pipe.  Guarantees basement living and no brain growth.   That's what we need.  Let's keep the Grand Theft Auto empire alive.  Whatever happened to just eating some shrooms, getting blasted and saying…."man I'm not doing that again….well at least not for a while!"       ?

Another thing is I now have access to everything.  I liked the days when my mom said, "Have a good day at school , Honey" and that was it.  She wouldn't have known if I was dead until the street lights came home and I wasn't there.  Now with all the electronics I can track my kids every move; and honestly….I don't want to.  Some things are better off not knowing.  My mom often had an idea, but hardly ever any hard evidence and that, my, friends is exactly what kept us friendly to each other.

I'm blessed with one of those kind, smart, artsy type teens.  He is sensitive, but his own person.  He thinks in his own way and I can no longer micro- manage that.  This is where the hardest part of parenting comes in.  Letting them learn their own lessons and make their own path, even if I see it may be a hard path.  No pushing or yelling will change that when they have their own brains.  

Sometimes my kid is right and I can't outwardly agree because I am the parent.  

 Like the other day when he says, "Why do I get a zero for not taking notes in class?  That is stupid.  I'm listening…. I don't like to write and listen at that the same time…I shouldn't get a zero for that, that is stupid"  

Yes, it is stupid.  It is stupid for an AP teacher to pass out Zeros to a kid who makes A's on the tests, but that is the rule and you have to follow rules.   That is the lesson.

"Yeah, well, whatever…I guess I'm going to fail then".

Smart kid.  Honors and AP and he may just fail, not because of tests, but because of marching to the beat of his own drummer with anarchy sticks in his hands.  Learn your own lessons kid.  I'm right there with you in my mind.

Alopecia Sucks.  

plus try your teen age years with no hair.

xo,

m

20 day later of Alopecia….Bald

Just so you know…here it is.  20 days after the last post.

If you know any other bald young boys, send them our way.  we could start a gang.

Wait a minute, I think we had gangs like that in the 80's.  

Well, this would be the non combat boot wearing type of gangs

hahaha

xo, 

m

alopecia is a cruel friend

Alopecia sucks, update ..no hair

It pains me to post the pics, but I want other people to see that it happens, it happens quickly and they are not alone.

Although Ilin B has not come to terms, nor most likely will he ever come to terms with it, he still lets me take pics for documenting.

People always tell him to "just go bald"  

He hates it.

As he points out,  this is not "normal bald, this is odd bald" 

 Here is one of the only patches of hair that grows on the back side.  The front he has not cut for 3 years.

 You can see how smooth it is….you can also see the Native American he has in him with that nose.  Funny how 1/4 of Cherokee, or whatever it was passed right down from his dad.

 Any other small hair growth is white and fuzzy, like duck baby feathers.

He told me last night he hasn't shaved his head in 4 months, and this is it.

So the Dr was probably right.  He is heading to Total Alopecia.

This was less than 3 months ago
click the link

Well, I'm thankful for Ilin Blue that beanie hats are in style for this age group.

Not sure what he will do for any other age.

I would say: This too shall pass, but…I think I'll stick with:

It is what it is

write ya later,

m

Alopecia Sucks Update…. bummer

His hair started to come back.  

It apparently is on a 4 month schedule.

Well here's is the beginning of the next  round

These photos are right before we went to Studio Boom to get it shaved.

He left just a little in the front so that when he wears his hat , there is a bit of fringe in the front.

The third picture is the worst.

It is the first time it has started to fall out all connected istead of patches.

He tries to not be efected by it.  Plays the tough guy, but his grades are starting to reflect other wise.

It's hard to watch and not try to micro manage.

16 years old…it should be about making out and goofing off.

Not worrying about if your hat will stay on.

Alopecia Sucks: The Regrowth

The regrowth

It falls out….then grows back.  

some spots will not ever grow back, like the spot on the top and the ones on the sides.

You can see the baby hairs growing in where he might get a bit of warmth.  They grow in grey/white.

Weird huh?

So he may got enough hair for a while to feel a bit normal.

Then….

it falls out again.

I can't even imagine.

I'm guessing this time it will be because of Algebra 2

If you know someone with Alopecia.

show them the pics and tell them to stay strong.

Don't say

"it's only hair"

xo

m

Waterworld vs Alopecia

So we went to Water World last week… It was Aok….except for all the dirty feet, bandaids, and gross shared inner tubes.  

Olive learned to swim at Aunt Kandy's so of course she thought she was invincible.   Crazy!  Kris and I chose some crazy slide to start with since Olive had never been down a water slide….

I said, "I'll go first"

Big dummy!

They said cross your arms and legs, which I thought a good idea that way my boobs wouldn't come flying loose and scare the kids…as I started down the slide I really thought, "Not bad".  Then off I flew, Pitch black, water up the nose, wedgie up the cootch and lord I couldn't think or breathe…well, I did think…"Shit! Olive is right behind me and she hasn't ever done anything like this in her 8 years of life!"   with that last thought streaming through my mind I came shooting out of the tube of darkness into 8 feet of water!!!   I rearranged my lady parts and swam to the side, just in time to see Olive shooting like a marble down the death chute into the deep water.  I yelled "swim!, swim!"  (like that is going to help)  She gasped and dog paddled with a look of hatred on her face to the edge of the pool where I yanked her up by one arm and congratulated her on her very first slide.  Some nice parents on the side lines clapped and yell "Awesome landing".   If it wasn't for that, she would have yelled then punched me.  Moments later H came sliding out of the hole laughing and squealing.  (of course, she is a tough one).  We all got our suits in order and out shoots Kris.  Gasping but smiling, she comes to the edge, "Wow, that scared me!  I can't believe the girls did it!"  As the girls ran off to find the next tube of hell to go down Kris and I looked at each other with relief, "it really was scary wasn't it?"  "yeah, all I could think about was how scared the girls were gonna be".  "Me Too!!!!"  " Well, that's out of the way…"

We were at the park all day.  We stood in line after line.  Ilin and A were going to every crazy ride possible then we would some how meet up with them to go on the big 4 person inner tube rides.  

Ilin went hatless.   It was really amazing.  He and A didn't even seem to care or notice anything.  I kept quite and tried to be encouraging.  As Kris and I walked our tubes up to a starting point…she leaned over and said, have you noticed the people staring?  Yeah…I noticed.  But Ilin doesn't seem to notice.  She says to me, "It's really pissing me off"  I guess it kind of goes with the territory.  I mean his head looks crazy, but you can tell he didn't really plan it that way.  It's mostly kids, but let me tell you what breaks my heart.  A lot of teen girls were pointing and laughing.  I can't think about that.  One thing I can think about is…who doesn't teach their kids to be polite.  You wouldn't really laugh and point at a little kid who had cancer.  well, hell, maybe they would.

Whatever the case.  He did it…he went to the water park…sans the hat.

Here are our monthly Alopecia head updates

You can see where it is totally bald. (no hair follicles left)

The sides and his neck and that top part are totally smooth

 People say just shave it…but you can REALLY see the bald spots when he does.

The way it has grown right now, he can do this awesome

Donald Trump comb over, and thank goodness he is pretty tall because most people can't see the top of his head.

He has lost almost all the hair on his arms and legs.

Eyelashes and eyebrows still intact.

This school year is going to be interesting.

One last good thing.

I found a young girl via my readers of this blog to friend him on Facebook.

I think it really helped.  He came down and told me…"She lost her hair just like me…and she is doing ok."  I hope they continue to talk.

and…if she is reading this….

Thank you, xoxoxox

m

it's Back…but not

Alopecia Sucks.

he was doing ok…then he said"Mom, I got a little spot, right here on the top."

It was little.

Maybe 1/2"

We went to the Dr.

She said, Let's try some steroid shots.

He said Ok.

Then 1 month later he is back to this.  

Summer, and he won't shave it.

He won't even look at it.

He lets me take a picture every month to keep track.

 The red on his neck is a birth mark

He still hasn't told anyone.  It's his secret, under his hat.

It will last a life time.

He has lost all the hair on his legs and arms.

I wish I could make him just shave the entire thing and go hatless.

But this is not my battle.

or my head.

or my hair.

xo,

m

One Step forward…you know the rest

Things have been moving along at normal household pace, which is fast when you want it to be slow and slow right when you are thinking, "come on all ready!"

Ilin Blue has been getting a bit or hair regrowth on the top of his head, how exciting is that?  contain yourself…He has enough that he says, "Hey Mom, when can we dye it?"   Uhmmmmm…. when you are 21, period.  This is a perfect example of lack of frontal lobe in teen boys.

He heads back to the doctor………

sooner than later, and here's why:

Hair growth good.   

Tuberculosis, not so much.  

Yes, you read it it correctly. 

 My kid got TB. 

 I don't know where you live, if its a 3rd world country then you know all about how TB works.  If you live in Ohio, probably wondering what kind of ghetto do I live in.

Our High School had an outbreak.  Just like the movies.  You can google Longmont High  and find all kinds of info.  Just like the movies, they did the best they knew at the time by only testing the kids with direct contact of the Student, and waiting to check the lower classes.   Oh happy day.

As and RN.  I freaked out right away, started running around like I had one short leg (in circles)  thinking , "they need to close the school, NOW, before everyone in town has it.  Shut that shit down like a Stephen King novel".  But did they listen to me?   No.  And that is partially my fault because I never attened any community meeting.  

Well…3 months later and the fact that my scrawny kid appears to be getting sicker instead of healthier we get a call from the hospital with a kind voice saying, "you need to bring Ilin to the ER for chest X-rays, he tested Postive for TB"

Fabulous.  Now, why wouldn't they have thought about the few kids who have auto immune, or comprimised systems?  they wouldn't.

So, here we are.  One scared kid with access to the internet, looking up death in the 19th century from TB and the rest of both of our households, heading to get our tests and chest X-rays.  I've been banned from work until I am cleared because who wants a nurse hacking TB onto them while she places an IV in your arm?  

This too shall pass.  

As usual, just another bump on the highway of life.

Alopecia ok

for those who were wondering….he's doing ok.

He opted to shave it.

You can see see the dramatic hair loss on the back of his head but he seems a bit more confidant.

Meredith and Ilin…she made it all better…well mostly better

She managed to make the hair on the top gently cover the bald spots there.

It's a start in the bravery department.

He said to me right after the haircut, "Mom I won't have to wear a hat in weight lifting"

No kid, you won't.

Life is hard…lets not make it any harder.

No medications he has decided.

He's just gonna ride it out.

Chalk it up in the 

"this sucks category"

and move on

xo, m

Alopecia my ass

Hair today, Gone tomorrow…alopecia for a teen boy

I had the talk tonight with Ilin about his alopecia again. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "So, are you telling me my hair probably won't grow back?".

"Yes...."

I feel selfish asking why this had to happen to such an awesome kid. He's healthy, smart, and alive...but as a mom it still breaks my heart.

Everyday after he has left for school I wander into his bathroom and wipe up the hair...I wipe it from the sink, the toilet seat, the floor, the soap and pull it from the drain. I don't want him to have to do it. His little sister grumbles and wipes it from the sink in the morning, after she brushes her teeth. " Is it ever going to stop, Mom?" " Probably not, Olive...just be kind, and wipe it up for him"

In any other situation I'm sure I would think it was gross. But not with him. 4 months ago he had a head of gorgeous thick hair. Now strands and baldness.

I try to think of funny things to tell him. Like: wait til the zombie walk...you are gonna look awesome....at least you won't have that crazy ear hair. He smiles and laughs, but I can see the pain in his eyes. He doesn't understand.

He told me he will just stay in all summer.

Oh no you wont ...it's not an option. We have to figure out how we are going to tell people.

We have to....

Its just a bump in the road...it's only hair....

this is the change in one month.

you can see the top also from this picture although that is not what we were aiming at

Today he has weight lifting and he was running around looking for a baseball hat.

which we didn't have.

He was stressed, I was stressed and his sister was yelping for her breakfast.

I asked him straight up, "do you want me to call the counselor, so you have some one to talk to?"

he shrugged…

"do you want me to call….just say the word and I will"

with one little tear he said,

"yeah"

I said,"look Bubba, its gonna get better, it will…because really it will either get better…or you will get used to it…which equals about better"

Boy, that is some fine advice from the adult int he family huh?  

wow…

lets hope no one was filming that moment.

xo,

m

Alopecia Sucks

Well we just got back from the check up with the Dr.  After going to a worthless Dermatologist we are back to no answers and I guess that is where it will stand.

It's getting worse.

It just falls out by the root.

He has started on Steroid Cream, and I made sure to tell him not to put the cream in his nether regions, even if he is trying to grow hair.

Dr said his puberty will be delayed until he gains weight…so to keep trying…try to eat, more, eat, more...

It's kind of ironic how as moms we always want to keep are kids babies, or at that perfect age, now I just want him to eat, grow and get past this crap.

The school has been allowing the hats…amazingly enough.

If he was a girl we could do fancy scarves or groovy afro wigs, but that won't fly for a 14 yr old boy...

 top front of head…right in the front!   

 top crown…I think Ronco would help with this.

back…but just one side, the other side is the same…smooth as a babies ass.

The Dr. gave us great hope….50% chance it will grow back…50% chance every bit will fall out…

hmphfff.

glass half full, of steroid foam….i guess

12 weeks then we head to Children's hospital for a little bit of help.

On a good note they ran every lab possible and they were all good…even his vit. B.

I know, many kids have it way worse…you know his sister had Leukemia…maybe that is why he is underwhelmed at the fact he may loose his hair.  

Maybe he is so awesome he just figures….

What the hell….high school sucks all ready, what else could happen.

Unless they pull that hat off his head in the hall.

right?

at least he is breathing…that I am thankful for.

later

xo

m

teen angst gone awry

Here it is:

That is just part of it.  You can see all the spots through his hair.  The Dr. had a bunch of blood drawn and we will be checking Thyroid, Sugars, Iron and autoimmune.  Until then we are being sent to the dermatologist to see if it could be anything else.  We figured out it wasn't from the hair dye because his hair has about a 1/2" of new growth and his hair is still faliing out from the root. 

Now if you didn't think High School was mean enough…Try having Alopecia.  You can't even pull off Punk rock with that title, unless it ALL falls out.  

The kid is a trooper at home.  Told his lil sister he went to bed and this is what happened, must have been from all the Halloween Candy.  

She was terrified.

Just another day in the life of a mom…and an odd teen….and a sassy ass youth,

where is my liquor…

I think my hair is now falling out