hey.... Don't fool yourself..... listen

maybe not mazzy ....but listen 

While this town is busy sleeping,
All the noise has died away.
I walk the streets to stop my weeping,
'Cause she'll never change her ways.

Don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart feels so still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
Oh I think I've forgotten her now.

Her love is a rose, pale and dying.
Dropping her petals in land unknown
All full of wine, the world before her,
Was sober with no place to go.

Don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's somewhere out there now.

Well my tears falling down as I try to forget,
Her love was a joke from the day that we met.
All of the words, all of her men,
All of my pain when I think back to when.

Remember her hair as it shone in the sun,
The smell of the bed when I knew what she'd done.
Tell yourself over and over
You won't ever need her again.

But don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's out there somewhere now.

Oh she was heartache from the day that I first met her.
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget you, somehow.
'Cause I know you're somewhere out there right now.

Together

Life is so weird.

awesomely weird.

let me just tell you .....

like you care.....

Recently I lost a best friend

 ....or more.....

a love..... 

a piece of my heart....

just like that.

no longer.

"never contact me again"

I am who I am....I will never leave people I love....ever.

but this hurt.....

In the interim....I am working and laughing.

My kid is blossoming into this amazing soul 

with big thoughts and opinions, 

beauty that just pours out of her.... 

a mouth like a mini sailor 

and I adore her.

I laughed as she went on and on about how MY life should be evolving....

How Kevin is her "G" 

and she is moving to San Fran ( regardless of cost)

I admire her .

As I move through this divorce ...going on a year + now.

I know I am good.

I think a lot about how things could have been different....

but it doesn't matter.

why waste time on that

I think about how people change and that is something we should all realize...

and that is OK

My life in this little tiny place is happy

I have a lover who adores me and we mesh...

we laugh...we talk...we cook...we do things....

together.  

It is so great.

the kid is happy 

She is involved and present ....

this place is tiny, yet she is always present

unlike the big house....

she is here....

smiling....

and her friends are here too

I love it.

I feel like a mom..... a parent

When this is done....

and I can delete all the messages and pictures from ,y life and start over 

with hopefully 5$ to my name....

things are gonna get wild 

52 year old wild.   

xoxo

m

Costa Rica here I come

Learning a New Life

Life

It goes on

I fought, I gave up, I begged for help, I rethought 

and I'll fight again

He refuses to sign the divorce papers...

to let me go.

I can do nothing....

except to continue to smile, pretend it's ok, not say anything and wait.....

along with paying the lawyer bills.

I have been more than generous.

I don't want child support, take half of everything....keep the house (500K)....

just let me go

he refuses....

tonight....I had a beer and thought....

I'm losing half of everything regardless.   

which I knew.

but now that it has been over a year and he still won't allow me to move on...........

I'm gonna fight.

We can go to court.

he can take half my shit

even though he has never saved a dollar on his own.

but I am going to ask the house get sold....

child support

and no spousal support

fuck him

I'm over being taken advantage of.

I'm tired of every man who crosses my path taking me for an idiot because I love so hard

I'm perfectly capable of caring for myself, my kids and my dog. 

you know what.....?    

I'll apparently take care of you too

I don't need all this stuff.

If I lose everything I have 

Ill still be me

take it or leave it.

Tonight I was put in my place once again by a man.

It's not a new thing.

Corrected in the fact that I can't control things.....

which I know.

I should settle more and maybe dream less at my age.

This is life.

work, eat, sleep and repeat and if you are lucky you do something fun once or twice a year.

Just how it is....

this is how you live until you die

if this is how it is

there is no reason for me to stress about divorce, 

loss of pensions,

 and having to pay 900$ a month in alimony.  

It's just the way it is

move on.  

it's all gonna be ok.

we are all just waiting and working for the end.

xo

m

 

Divorce Doesn't Mean You Get To Not Parent on Fridays

(post from July 2020)

I've been nice for too long.

And it's tearing me up.

With life changes come issues....

I'm not an idiot, 

but why someone would want to drag a divorce on for a year + makes no sense

why someone would demand a child be there 50/50

then tell the same child when she asks for a ride home from work on a Saturday night

"I wasn't planning on being home....I would need more notice...so no"

Guess what?

Parenting isn't just a Wednesday night thing.

You think you want to parent full time yet can't make time to drive her home from work...

you don't get to do what ever you want on the weekends ....

you have to parent...

Guess what else?....

Don't worry about it...

Because that is what I do.

I parent full time....and Im good with that.

I drive her back and forth and if for some reason I can't,

 I find someone who can

you know what else I do?

I talk to her.

I feed her meals 

I buy her tampons

I ask her about her tiktoks and boys

I express concern when I think she needs it

I take her for her driving hours.

we all go camping 

shopping 

and her friends come over....

She is now witnessing a happy mom 

and people who love her mom and her, too

and it is a good thing.

so remember,

when you divorce and think 

Oh we will just be 50/50 then I won't have to pay child support...

think again....

first of all. 

 I never asked for child support....

I asked for a divorce....

and I still have neither

which is more than irritating but mostly it just shows your character 

 

I know I will get through this and even if this legal shit is killing me

I know I am not allowed to move forward until he agrees to divorce me....

I know it is better than staying with a person who doesn't  love you...

a person who stopped touching you 

stopped building you up

stopped kissing you....

laughing with you...

this is all better.

this new life.

The kid is old enough to decide what she wants and as I was told ...

silence is ok....

Teenagers are not stupid 

they watch, they listen,

they figure it out....

so a piece of advice to other's

Be honest with your teens 

keep your comments quiet

and let them see the reasons you could not stay

they are more apparent when you are not living in it every day.

write ya later

m

This. Broken

Not sure if they are trying to...

 kill me

Teach me

Or Break me 

M

big stupid love

( this post is about all the people I love .... right here right now )

when I say 

I love you

I mean it....

When I said

I'll love you forever

I wasn't kidding....

I love like that.....

maybe that is why I am where I am now

Maybe that is why ......

no one leaves forever

even in the most hateful times

I loved you once

that doesn't just end

you said you love me

you say you love me

or

 is that because 

you dont want me to disappear

into the love of another

 

everything has a time and a reason

xo,

m