Boobs and Feet, Boobs and Feet

 

Boobs and feet ....weird topic but one occupying my mind lately.

10 years ago this month I had my right breast cleared of breast cancer via surgery.

Just one boob...no biggie...Was told I should take Chemo, but with some counseling we decided maybe it wasn't the best for me right then.  I had small kids and needed to work full time...I didn't have the time to be sick or tired, I had enough of that with my life in general back then. hahahaha

The statement from my then Oncologist , who has since retired, 

"Its not if...it's when ...10 years, most likely"

Those damn old man doctors, full of non documentable information.

Shit the Journal of American Medicine could never prove.

They know...

So, this morning a nice MRI for my foot which has been the bain of my extra curricular life for about 2 years now and getting progressively worse.  

Luckily, as I lie there in the MRI tube listening to the bings and bongs and the occasional tech giving me the countdown of time 

"good job, Melissa , we have about 3 more sets of 7 minute picture rounds"

why didn't he just say we have 21 minutes left? Does the way he stated it sound easier?

maybe.

The MRI didn't bother me. They gave me headphones and I listened to Jason Isbell and thought about warm weather and my list of chores I needed to complete....

and the fact I had another telehealth call at 11 that I better be done with.

We were done in time and the results were in my chart before I got home.

pretty pretty good

Small tear on some Achilles Ligament and something else which I really should know because I'm a nurse,

but I don't.

but I do know it was nothing horrible and I'm betting for the cash money the Sports Medicine guy is charging , it will be fixed with a boot and rest for 8 weeks

and it's not plantar fasciitis...which is good.

that's hard to fix , really hard.

Made it home in time for my telehealth video. 

She started with the good news, not that any is really bad

No BRCa gene, which means I am clear from that, and so is Olive and Ilin.

But then.... outta no where she says

" I'm going to schedule for a breast MRI and make sure you get your yearly mammogram. You will be doing every other one each 6 months ongoing from here on out. Your cancer risk is 37.3% which puts you in the high risk category.  So once we get those first rounds done we will schedule from the findings and anything we find we should be able to treat quickly, because thats the key with this type of history"

ok, lady.  i liked you, now I'm a little stressed and wish I was having a beer while doing this telehealth.

" let's make sure you get the ultra sound of your uterus as discussed last month when you were here.

Insurance should have no problems covering these because of the risk involved .....and when you come in we can discuss a referral for double masectomy; when you are ready"

what?

wait a minute, 

how did we go from no gene to boob removal?

yeah, no.  I'm not ready...i'm doing the math in my head and I still have 72% chance nothing will happen.

Are these things they just have to slide in there in the conversation? or does she know more than I do 

probably the latter even though I am a well educated RN, I kinda didn't do too well in the women's health part of school or clinicals.

Any way.  one thing at a time...  feet first... I want to be able to have some fun.

then boobs.  

I guess 

if anyone has any insight let me know.

They are just boobs...

but honestly i can't imagine using my PTO for boobs in stead of beach vacation.

xo, 

m

the first time of diagnosis

for your reading pleasure

Off My Chest ...Bag of Dicks

I have been holding this in along with a few other things for about 4 years now. And that is way too long to have these feelings of animosity; it has really become something that I am ready to let go of. They do not deserve my energy, but everyone heals at their own pace.

The ex: 
Fucking abusive narcissistic dick of a person. I would like to think that he was not always that way, but in hindsight I always knew he was, from the first altercation, to his dealings with his previous ex and child. I should have known, but I was blind to that at the time. 
It happens to the best of us. 
 His attitude towards change, life, and people that didn't suit him was abominable and I really should have seen it. The fact I stayed as long as I did is insane, but abuse is like that. Gaslighting, lying, and then me ignoring it all for 15 years says a lot about me too. Jesus, I hope I have learned and acknowledge why he was put into my life. I am still embarrassed to admit I allowed myself to put up with prostitutes, lies, treating my children as he did, treating our friends the way he did (then blaming them), treating his family the way he did (then telling me they were all assholes and for me to never associate with them) and the cutting off of his entire social circle.  One can only chart that up to mental health for so long. When a person is unwilling to get help and blames everyone else....that's abuse.  Now we live with the fact that he cut off his daughter at 15 years old. How does a mom explain this? People say , "Oh she will figure it out." Well, yes she will, and she did, but the better thing should have been that she NEVER had gone through this. For an adult, the Father, to say, "She should be making more of an attempt to talk to me, she should be apologizing to me." That is absolutely ridiculous. YOU ARE THE ADULT. THE PARENT.  He gets what he deserves. He has missed his beautiful daughter's life so that he could trty to punish me. That is a piece of shit.

 I'm ok saying that now.

 He turned me into a person I never wanted to be. 

A person who no longer trusted, and who questioned love and life, who ended up having to lie to protect myself and daughter and to make our lives better and safe.  Among the things he did to us, the mental abuse was only part.  I learned a lot and am thankful for the people who stayed in my life during and post all of this malarkey.  If he can cut people from his life as he does/did....he gets what he asked for.  I will always feel bad for his family, father ( who he is exactly like), and friends who he hurt as he did.  They will never know the entire story. He can say and do anything he wants about us now and I could care less.  People who know him know and people who know us know too.  And lord help whoever comes into his life and buys his bullshit. Because it will happen to them too, eventually.

The Friends:
The friends. The friends I thought I had and thought I knew. Fuck all of those people, and why did I even let it bother me. It did bother me. It bothered me that I thought they were friends and I had confided in them and that was the first mistake. I had thoughts in the beginning that these people were not my people, I should have stayed at a distance at that point.
 The woman/girls were not who I would have associated with. The men were not either. But at the time, it worked for me. I felt accepted by the guys, never by the women. Cliquey and pretentious they were, but I still tried. Later to find out, they never gave 2 shits about me. 
My mistake. 
That won't happen again.

 Never did they offer and condolences or check-ins on me. That's fine, as I've moved on, I now know they are where they are to be and so am I, with my family. One thing I won't tolerate now is to be associated with them as happened the other day. Some said to me, " I don't associate or trust anyone who is friends with _______." Before I could say, "wait a minute, that is not me....I am NOT friends with those people " I was sent on my way.  

hello?  

not me.
Myssi, there is your full sign and proof that they were never your friends and on top of that are most likely not the " righteous people" they think they are.
I am thankful for MY friends who stuck by and continue to be in my life. The people I love and enjoy and we laugh and check in on each other, without judgement. Those are good people.
Those are people of good nature.
Too much energy was really wasted the last 4 years, 
too many tears.
I've watched my daughter grow into a person who is pretty strong, yet has started out her adulthood with hatred, mistrust and also left empty and void of the love she needed as a young girl.
Thankful for the man who is in our life who shows her the most love and acceptance she has yet to experience and I hope that helps her and I hope she sees that not all men are bad.

I hope it helps her to see me, her mom, able to love someone without fear or suspicion.  To be able to have friends of any gender over to the house and enjoy company. To not have to sneak out to see long time friends... now they can come to the house and knock on the door....and be welcomed in....with no fear.
The energy wasted I can never get back.
Starting over has been exhausting 
this year will be freeing 
no more wasted emotions on people who bring me no joy.
good riddance.

again for the people in the back

good riddance

may you reap what you sow

xo,

m

Together

Life is so weird.

awesomely weird.

let me just tell you .....

like you care.....

Recently I lost a best friend

 ....or more.....

a love..... 

a piece of my heart....

just like that.

no longer.

"never contact me again"

I am who I am....I will never leave people I love....ever.

but this hurt.....

In the interim....I am working and laughing.

My kid is blossoming into this amazing soul 

with big thoughts and opinions, 

beauty that just pours out of her.... 

a mouth like a mini sailor 

and I adore her.

I laughed as she went on and on about how MY life should be evolving....

How Kevin is her "G" 

and she is moving to San Fran ( regardless of cost)

I admire her .

As I move through this divorce ...going on a year + now.

I know I am good.

I think a lot about how things could have been different....

but it doesn't matter.

why waste time on that

I think about how people change and that is something we should all realize...

and that is OK

My life in this little tiny place is happy

I have a lover who adores me and we mesh...

we laugh...we talk...we cook...we do things....

together.  

It is so great.

the kid is happy 

She is involved and present ....

this place is tiny, yet she is always present

unlike the big house....

she is here....

smiling....

and her friends are here too

I love it.

I feel like a mom..... a parent

When this is done....

and I can delete all the messages and pictures from ,y life and start over 

with hopefully 5$ to my name....

things are gonna get wild 

52 year old wild.   

xoxo

m

Costa Rica here I come

yo...heeeyyy. 2020

because it is the day 1 of the new year....

I could feasibly start 365 days.  

ya know...the better countdown.  

 I always find it difficult starting in the middle of the year.

so lets start here 

Hiked Mount Sanitas and saw these prefect pinecones.

It was a beautiful day, temp was above 37 and the sun shining. 

It helped clear my mind.

New Year New You...

I believe this may be a bit of bullshit, yet I still often buy in.

I want change. I want to be a better version of me....

and sometimes for me I need to set goals.

Ya know...

a vision board.

This year I have been doing some life changes.

the weirdest part of this is how many others feel the need to be part of my life changes.

Many who were dear friends who I now realize are not the people I had thought they were .  Im thinking they aren't the people they pretend they are either.

When people have dramatic change, such as divorce...we don't need people to start passing judgment and being dicks. Needed are friends who realize, "hey, maybe I don't know the entire story....maybe I am being a bit hypocritical....maybe I should help be supportive and just be here."

I haven't found this to be the case.

pretty funny.

People who have not a lot of wiggle room to pass judgement on a situation they will never know the closed door stories to, and really don't need to know, or better yet....should have no reason to even want to know.

It's amazing how many people are super invested in my personal life right now, but only the shit show part.

A significant person in my life states,

"this too shall pass....they will come around and love you again."

let me say something.

I am a grand person.

I love hard, I support people, even when I may not agree 100%, I can say I give more than I receive and I like it that way.

At tis point I am being asked to attend functions where I may cross paths with these wonderful people I had loved so much who have chosen to not even ask what happened....

I am to be kind and smile....

and let them come back around?

hmmm

funny thing is...

even at 50

I'm afraid I might pop one in the nose or even worse,

I'll pop off at the mouth.

I don't think I want them in my life....

even if they do "come around"

is it worth it.

and what the hell keeps me from yelling all the shit I know...?

about my situation, which hasn't been stated....and about all these hypocrites who feel they are way more righteous than me?

I bite my tongue everyday.

funny thing is....

I am just sitting here.

living.

smiling....

working....

waiting....

I refuse to let this take over my life.

as a good man said to me

" the best revenge is living a happy life"

I'm trying.

new year new me?

well it's day 1

let's see how this red carpet unrolls.

and yes....

Karma is a bitch...

her and I are friends....

we are quite familiar....

my karma received will be worth every stress given into it.

xo,

write ya later

m

Day 247: Keep On Truckin

Day 247

Sweet Foxxy Brown 

The View 

Lovely

this is what I try to replay over and over again.

Keep on Truckin

remember :

to eat real food.

don't stay at work just so you have a place to be

get dressed (have not been successful)

run/exercise 

neither vodka or watermelon constitute as a meal

be kind and don't resort to mean words

heart open even when sad

get out and do things alone

it's ok

and let your friends help you

I'm looking at apartments Friday

he has asked me to go to parallel counseling and I feel like I must, because he may need it.

and if I can help him feel better about everything then I can just worry about myself.

They always say to not send people out with more baggage than when they arrived.

I think I have added wasted years and exorbanant baggage to his person.

I never meant to

I know in the back of my mind it will be ok, either way it turns out.

I also realize that I may not be capable of safely loving again.

self worth, 

body image, 

and

the words that have been said to me the last month have made me see myself from the other's perspective and I realized that I carry some pretty shitty traits.

so, 

keep on truckin

xo,

write ya later,

m

Midlife student crisis

This is Rose, not me.  

I was just reading about her at Ned Hardy.  She's 83 and back in school so at least I can feel better about not being the oldest student alive.

Have I told you lately how much I hate school?  

I especially hate school because I really have no need to go back to school except for my place of employment has demanded everyone have a Bachelor's degree in 5 years.

whoopee.

I'm almost 50....

I don't find school fun, exciting or enlightening.   

I find free time exciting, not midterms.

I find using my extra hard earned money for vacation and liquor exciting....

not for text books.

I have no interest in getting a Masters degree or such....

I am interested in saving for retirement and my little home

this shit pisses me off

But I'm glad Rose is enjoying the life of a student.

Good for her....

plus I think college is free when you are her age.

Good for Rose....

lets get this show on the road

Today I finally go for my consult with the breast specialist.   Unfortunately my last appointment was moving along at a great pace and I went to schedule my surgery only to find out the surgery center was not in "network".  I chose to change Dr.s and head to a more "in network" surgery so as to save costs.  Lord, should I really be penny pinching right now?   

So, today...the new consult.  Because I am an RN I know what they will say.   " this is no big deal...lets get you scheduled for the wire surgery and see what we are dealing with....please talk to the receptionist to schedule"   and I will leave the office just as confused as before.     I'm guessing the entire day will be a waste of time and I'm guessing they wont be able to schedule me quickly.  so i will be waiting again.   

Stupid

I filled out all the paperwork and printed off info for FMLA so that when it does happen I can take time off work with out repercussions from the higher ups.  

After my appointment I will be Easter Basket Junk Shopping.....after all it is my favorite holiday

The Chocolate Holiday

I cant believe this kid is smiling

write ya later

and hopefully these posts will be a little less Bummery soon

xo

m

Come on get Happy ...exes, teens, and everything in-between

"Do you think this is the life I wanted when I chose to move here?"

Uhhh, let me take an educated guess...no.

"Damn right"

Well, honestly, this is not exactly the fucking Partridge Family to me either.

Don't say anything you cant take back....don't say it. Bite your tongue.

For once my tongue has been bitten.  I will let everyone decide their fates.

You can't always be right, you can't always be happy, and you sure as shit can't always control what everyone else is doing.   The saddest most embarrassing part is dealing with a teenager who is constantly giving you the middle finger.  Bless his little heart.  Is this what I had thought would happen with my first born?   hell no.   I still dream of first dates and kids filling the basement, proms, and family vacations of fun.   Not exactly what is going on here right now.

I bite my tongue when my parent friends exclaim the intelligence of their children and the beauty and joy they bring.  The scholarships and college interviews.   The pictures of their teens sitting behind the wheel of their first car, so happy and ready to move forward with adulthood....everyone on the same page...stressful but joyful.

bwahahahhaha

The Ex rails me me with his passive aggressive parenting and blame game.  "It's your fault....it was YOUR decision...not mine."  "This is your fault."  

That is fine with me.  I'll take the blame, but if that is the case , get the hell out of the way and let me deal with it.  Not your way of dealing: " here, did your mom tell you there will be no more Internet?  Oh she said until your grades are a B avg. ?What a Bitch,  let me get you this phone, I'll pay for it  and here's a new iPad, just in case the computer won't work. "   

Hey jack ass, our kid needs a job, a car and some help getting his grades up....how about forking over some dough for a tutor?

How about for once, instead of saying " that is what I pay you for"...you do something.  How about you be a father instead of a playmate?  How about as they say...STEP UP TO THE PLATE.

The teen had a job...he got fired.  pretty awesome ,huh?  17 and all ready cant keep a job, all because he didn't feel like going and his dad said if he wasn't working every weekend he would take him snowboarding , but he seems to work all the time....here's a good thought .  Just don't go to work, go snowboarding and hope they don't really care.   Yeah, how did that work out?  

It's embarrassing.  

Almost horrifying to watch .

I'm losing my relationships due to not being able to handle all this.  I've all ready lost the man who used to make me laugh.  Nobody wants to be second or third.  I know I sure as heck don't , yet some how I have become last.

Isolated in a messed up home I designed all by myself.

This design is not working for me....

I'm investing in a wrecking ball...

so prepare yourself

m

Painted cookies

Holidays are right aroud the corner.

and guess what?

I have to work.

Saturday thru Tuesday…

Now I would say I'm not complaining , but I am.

I don't want to work 4 in a row.

Not over the holiday!

It pisses me off.

So, with that said, Ilin, Olive and I made cookies.

Shortbread and Gingerbread….

then we PAINTED THEM!!!!

I have never done this and it was so easy.

You need:

Royal icing

paint brushes

food coloring

and we used a little paint mixing bowl

we made royal icing:  

4 C. confectioners sugar

2 egg whites

lemon juice

beat the egg whites until firm, not stiff

add sugar and lemon juice, beat until smooth.

Frost the cookies, let them harden (this is why you use royal icing)  I'm not sure why royal icing has to taste so bad…just ignore that part, because I never eat the cookies anyways.

Once they are hardened you can dip the brushes into equal parts food color and water and paint away.

make sure you put down plenty of parchment/wax paper…unless your kids are meticulously clean.

Yes, there is a zombie reindeer and a cookie with pubic hair.

 I sure hope Santa is not offended, 

he never brings me what I as for any way.

Enjoy your holiday!

xo 

M

secrets…of a non sleeper

 a little secret …

after the kids are off to school and I know I have to work a 12 hour, thru the night shift,

I often turn the heating blanket on 9, pile the pillows around me, and crawl back to sleep.

I doze in and out until 3pm….or until my back hurts.

Working nights I have discovered I now sleep better during the days.

I would sleep even better if I had this

zzz

m

friends whatever

You now what sucks the big one?

I'll tell you...here, let me give it to you without the fancy packaging.

FRIENDS...or the so called...i guess it would be better to call them pass throughs.

It's the leave the job, or whatever, and then you are the outcast.  

It's not just job, it's in general.  As you know I have some pretty dear friends.  As you get older friends are harder and harder to come by.  

I, personally, take my friendships extremely seriously.  I'm guessing that is why I only have a few.  If something happens, you can count on me...but on the other hand...I'm not gonna think 3 times about you if you are a fair weather friend.

(notice how I said 3...I'm a bit slow)

frienships are harder than love relationships because they are harder to let go.  I'm the type that just has to cut it loose because I know in my heart I am the one that cares more, so it is easier to just forget about it than to keep dragging it out....like a bad hang nail

back to the subject:

I left my place of employment where I met some great people.

it bums me out that I know in my head I will never really see them and again and they could give a shit less.

(insecurity at its finest)

It sucks that you can't put an ad out for new friends, because I have a ton to offer.

Wanted:

cool milf friend who likes to drink microbrews, knit, run, hang out and just chit chat 1-2 times a week.  preferably has kids, is not "religious" and willing to start at 7 am or any given time. 

must be flexible.

must have a sense of humor...

a real sense of humor....

and willing to try new things.

please email asap

desperate

well...there you have it...you can tell I'm in a transition.  I'm sure its my fault or my shitty attitude, but that should be a plus.

ps new job is going good...people are nice, willing to teach, and its been ok.

imagine that?

10K can mark that off the list

# 4110

graves, melissa

longmont, CO

Age Group F40-44

Boulder 10K

Start	07:00:03.0
Official Finish	01:08:03.6
Chip Finish	01:06:54.7
Overall	154
Women	95
F40-44	14

I would like to thank Mother Nature for allowing me to run this race, have a BM before the race, and for the yummy burrito afterwards...oh yeah that was from Chipotle.

Nice weather, not too hilly and I'm done.

yeah!!!

go M!

360 days of my life # 60

is honestly sucking the life outta me

360 days of my life # 59 (missed a few)

Its sad when your new favorite thing is a vacuum cleaner.

Just let me tell you a bit about this thing. It's no Dyson, couldn't justify spending 599 for the one I really wanted... BUT this thing sucks like a 50$ hooker...Joking joking, don't get offended and run away. It is really awesome. You want to know why? Because a man finally did the vacuum justice, they hooked a dog brush to this thing! You heard me, a dog brush!!!

You can vacuum the fur right off man's best friend before it even hits the carpet.

Just between you and me. I tried this with the old vacuum and it just about sucked the entire dog into the vacuum. This one comes with a long hose and a deshedder brush.

I'm in love.

Love Love Love

I just walked in the door from my last clinical this semester. I look like shit...I'm tired...But I am DONE!!!!!

with this semester...no more clinicals!!! woop woop...that means no more working for free...this semester...

you know...like Doctors do...but I'm not a Doctor...not even close.

I don't care, I have my wine and am throwing my "Blue Student Uniform" into the garbage....i mean Laundry...not to be touched until next year! SWEEEET

No more free Foley emptying for anyone for the next 9 weeks. If you need some sort of health help, you gotta pay. I am back...back with time to write