Almost Day 21....when I wrote this.

I really did sit and cry the other day at lunch

I sat outside and texted a few people in hopes of being rescued from my own mind.

I was reminded that I was strong and that it wasn't much longer...

and I know that.

I know that

I know

I want to go home.

but then I think of how wonderful this has been 

escaping the pain of my home life and troubles,

 in an area where people do not know me,

but everyone appreciates me...

our jobs keep us so busy that there really is no time for heart hurting pain

or the fact that we are doing some crazy ass nursing shit

we just keep moving

the days are irrelevant and the biggest thing of the day is what you are ordering for dinner 

and if someone will steal it from the food delivery area or not.

I got lost almost every day for a week at Jacobi...

These staff nurses made the days ok...

they were hard asses but I got used to the NY yelling and the weird sense of humor

they made us feel like family

How will I ever stop calling everyone Mommy and Papi

 (it's a Bronx thing)

 Take a minute.  

smiling underneath 

It's soooo hot in those stupid gowns.  

Every room we walk into or come out of we have to don and doff...

every time.

all of that comes off and goes in garbage then you put it on again.

it takes a minute....

when someone is coding (dying) it seems to take 30 minutes to get it on properly

I look at this everyday and wonder what the theme was

These two...Jack and Jenna...

they aren't a couple but were inseparable ....

So weird to see them without masks.  

They look awesome, never would have guessed

still empty.  March 1, 2020

Lots of bridges and I couldn't figure out which was which but they were cool

every one in a while there were donuts from someone.

Covid donuts...

but the nurses we are, we ate them

He started filming the bus ride in slow mo....phone taped to the window.  

He got left once at Jacobi , because his patient coded at shift change and we didn't all know each other yet....after that we always yelled " Is Brandon here?"

Chuck...

Southern as all get out and came from Pediatrics.  He learned how to wipe adult ass and he successfully changed his first bedpan ever,  We all cheered and wrote "I changed my first bedpan!" on the back of his gown 

We tried to stay perky 

renegade Flower Arrangements in the NYC garbage cans...

better than wasting all that beauty

Jordan 

another Colorado nurse

I need to figure out that face...

I saw it all over

I can’t take as many pictures as I would like of the situation I find pertinent, although I have snapped a few.    My feet hurt, my heart hurts , but not as much as these people losing life and loved ones.   It seems for every celebration of an extubation, 3 will die.

   But yet we still must celebrate .... we must.  

We are working too hard to not.   Everyday I go back to my hotel and shower like my life depends on it, sleep, and then do it all over again.  

I will never hear this song and not think about Jacobi 

and how it was played every time they successfully 

got a patient off the ventilator

( with covid, 75% of the people die if they were intubated)

so when we hear this.  

we cheer, no matter what 

because we are cheering not just for the life, 

but for the work we all did, 

for the breath they breathe on their own, 

and for their family who is not there to see that fight 

they are fighting 

write ya later,

xo

m

I have maybe one more NYC post left in me

Path to You

Life is short .... so cliche
My life and the paths I have chosen have been wonderful
The people I have chosen to be with...
I love them all

People change
I have changed
My needs have changed
My love of activity and adventure has changed
My need for love and companionship has grown
And although my independence has grown 100 fold,
Literally.....
I want to share my love, adventures , laughter, ups and downs ,
with people who want to be near me .
It is a real thing
I feel it

Tonight I asked someone to help me
It’s not my norm.
But the people around me understand ....
My request was simple....
Explain
Explain what happened between us
Make it as beautiful as it was
Or is
Tell them,
So that I can breathe again
So that I can lift my head....
And heart .

Help me
So that I can climb from this pit
Into the warmth of it all
And smile
Again

Help me
So that my two hands ....
Can hold your two hands
My lips can whisper ....
Thank you
In your ear

Help me
So that my story can resume
In the open
Crossing with your story
As it is being written
Without shame
But as it should be ....
With love

Write ya later
Xo
M

Oh man....whatever...Nothing....

and ....it hits home, this song.....

Nothing Compares 2 U

Pick your poison.....

Take a few....

go read the lyrics

and just the other night....

Miss Cray Cray made beautiful music again

It's been seven hours and thirteen days

Since u took your love away

I go out every night and sleep all day

Since u took your love away

Since u been gone I can do whatever I want

I can see whomever I choose

I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant

But nothing

I said nothing can take away these blues,

'Cause nothing compares

Nothing compares 2 u

It's been so lonely without u here

I'm like a bird without a song

Nothing can stop this lonely tears from fallin'

Tell me baby where did I go wrong

I can put my arms around every girl I see

But they'd only remind me of you

I went to the doctor guess what he told me

Guess what he told me

He said boy u'd better try to have fun

No matter what u do

But he's a fool

'Cause nothing compares

Nothing compares 2 u

All the flowers that u planted mama

In the back-yard

All died when u went away

I know that living with me baby was sometimes hard

But I'm willing to give it another try

'Cause nothing compares

Nothing compares 2 u

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

nothing else,

I get it,

write ya later,

xo,

m

365 days: day 238. everything is so haphazard

Day 238

this is what you call poor sunscreen application.

It sums up the way I am going about present days right now.

Haphazardly, not paying attention and crossing fingers.

Amongst the split I have been trying to maintain normalcy and stay upbeat, so as not to stress out friends etc.

I am trying to work as much as possible, because I don't have to be at home.  

When I am at home I am in the guest room, or cleaning...

This weekend the girls from the band called and said come hang...

Come to Berthoud...

sit at the cool table and just be for a bit.

I did, it was nice...I felt ok....for a while....

 then I felt myself slipping into old habits that I had hoped I had long gotten rid of.

I left the group I was with...

and just sat alone watching the people. I had not eaten dinner, because food is Meh...

I went to the bar to get another beer and as I was standing there a weird gust of wind blew under my skirt and literally was.....yowza!

A young man sitting on the corner saw it and as I scrambled to gain control of my too light weight skirt flapping around , he said, 

"what's happening over there, Marilyn?"

I laughed and said, "well apparently there is a subway underneath here somewhere?"

he smiled, and as I reached for my drink he nodded to the bartender and took care of the cost.

I politely said "thanks" and feeling lost without my buddies or normal group, I left to go sit on a bench and pout, watch the band and try to let go.

I ended up enjoying myself...

as the night came along I had managed to only have 2 beers and was feeling a bit tipsy...but still ok.

I figured I would just leave.

I stood up and hugged my friends and turned around to walk out when there was my beer purchaser right there.

"Would you like to walk next door to the distillery and play some shuffleboard, we need one more person".

Yup, Sure, Why not?

I looked up and said, "I'm Myssi...maybe you want to know my name?"

"I all ready know your name, Myssi"

?

We joined the owner of the art studio across the street and another man named Lukas and played some  horrible rounds of shuffle board.  I was on Lukas's team and he was quite funny, young, and really tall...

That's what I remember, and laughing a lot.

fun...actually.

At one point, Mr Beer, looked across the table and said, "Hey Lukas, we need to switch teams....

you have an unfair advantage"

we laughed and switched...

we all talked, it was nice to talk to other people, hear other stories and life lessons.

It was old and familiar, but I realized I was slipping back into the solitaire again.

I realized it was time to go.

I didn't need to be in a group of unfamiliar, a bit drunk, in a town where I don't really know people.

I excused myself to the bathroom then decided to just go ahead and leave...

dark but small town, perfectly warm,

as I stepped out onto the street 

I heard my name....

"let me walk you...where did you park?"

I'm good...

no worries....

Familiar and unfamiliar

....Atlanta in my mind....

walk yourself...

he said, "I would feel better...I can walk over here and just make sure you get where you need be."

No it's ok, walk with me.

we talked about the stars above and music...

growing up in small towns.

the walk was short but it seemed a lot was said.

Parking lot was found and car keys were in hand....

"May I call you?"

Probably not the best time...

you would be sadly disappointed in your choice...

"You should not be so bossy, and let me decide that"

I stood there 

he opened the door and let me get in...tapped the roof and waved.

I pretty much know.

I have been someone's misery for about 13 years now.

I never wanted or realized I was making his life so horrible.

I never wanted that.

My best friend.

He's always been a great guy, awesome, funny, talented....

he just doesn't love me

and I can't get past it.

It's going to be ok.

I didn't want to do this again, because the first time I almost ended up on the street because I'm not a fighter.

I have good people around me.

I have work, and my kids...

I have some money, but it's my savings and I will prob need that to stay alive as a senior citizen.

It will work out.

"when it's time...you will know"

xo, 

m

365 days: Yin and Yang ...My heart is like paper

What a night 

and then another ....

Yin and Yang of life I suppose.
With each birth there is a death
 and just as life has it,
with each death there is a birth.

Ilin Blue "Oozium"

Saturday at Helikon Gallery we celebrated the birth of this young man's art, which is going to bring him into a new life.

People flowed in from all over to see his art they had been hearing about.

The artists were all talking and excited to see who this artist was.

This artist, Ilin Blue, was a surprise to them all.

The gallery owner had no idea that Ilin ( Oozium) was only 22...

had never once shown his art before....

The gallery filled up...

they ran out of drinks....

The owner came up to me and said,

"we have never had an opening to this extent before, with this many people showing up on opening night for a group show....they are all here for him.  He has all ready sold all of his art, and it has only been 1 hour"

This young man, with the shirt he bought and pressed 2 hours earlier, clean pants and Elliot's ashes around his neck, smiled from ear to ear 

( check out the Denver Grillz)

He spoke to people as they came in.

Other artists and visitors asked for pictures with him.

He was happy.

A much needed change from the last 3 weeks.

I whispered, "your Muse made this happen...she is here..."

He smiled at me and I gave him a big hug....

Sometimes , just sometimes, good things can grow out of horrible.

 The gallery owner pulled him aside and asked if he would be willing to do reprints, ...

"of course!"

As I walked around the galleries looking at other art I realized how special tonight was.

One artist said " Have you seen the young man's art downstairs in the main building? We heard he may be coming to our gallery to stay for a while.  We can't believe his stuff...we heard he draws too....

That young man is on his way up...we hope he stays here."

I smiled and said, 

"that is my son."

My beautiful broken son...

I believe they said around 300 people walked in to see Oozium...the artist with his art on 3 full walls, 

with no art schooling, past shows, or artist tribe...

Awkwardly shaking hands, and humbly saying ,

"thank you, man"

with his signature little bow, prayer hands and huge smile.

The night was grand.

As I left the owner came up to me and said,

"we would like him to consider a full gallery show in 2020 if he is interested. 

All walls, floor to ceiling. I just can't get enough of his humble attitude and if this is his beginning we can't wait to see how he progresses."

This beginning stemmed from an end. The Muse who had all the paperwork ready to submit for this art show....then died.  

The submission that almost did not happen because he did not feel like he could do it.

But we said, "Elliot would want this"

and now the doors are open for a rebirth.

They offered him his own studio, 

A group of people with like mind to help him get out of his head and into the world.

A place to find a bit of refuge from his sadness.

a new Tribe.....

minus,

the only 

person

he 

ever 

wanted 

to 

be 

with.

The Muse...Ashton/Elliot

He enjoyed the opening, his friends kept him safe...

He went out....he came home...

all was beautiful

All was so good that he said,

"it's time I go back to the apartment"

The next day he gathered all of his stuff and went back to their little apartment,

unpacked and sat down on the bed in which she had only died 1 month prior to the day...

and cried,

and cried, 

and cried.

By the time he called I could only understand little bits and pieces but as his mom I knew the pain.

"Mom, this fucking sucks, I want her...physically next to me and she NEVER WILL BE AGAIN"

no, you are right...she never will be.

"I'm laying in the bed and I just want her, so I can tell her how great it was, how I want her to be proud, how I did all of this for her"

I know....but that is not going to happen and she opened this door for you...

please Blue, don't let her down now....cry, be sad...but breathe.

"I'm lonely, mom, I'm lonely and scared that I will always be lonely"

Blue, at night, we are all lonely, you must find a way to be ok with being lonely...

Have a place to put your sadness every night, 

then remember 

we are all alone when we close our eyes at night...

it won't get better, but it will get easier and at some point you may find solace in the fact you can be in the bed with your heart and mind open and be ok with you, just you.

You will make friends, you will go out, you will eat and sometimes you will just go out because you know you should....

and that is good.

But we are all alone at night.

I love you Ilin Blue.

I am so proud.

Only you can hold your own heart in your hands and make it ok 

I can only be here....

watching and listening

and Blue,

remember....

she would be so proud....

she wanted this for you.

❤❤

Each Death Brings Birth

Write ya later,

m

Such a Simple Thing

R.Lamontagne

Tell me what you're feeling

I can take the pain

Tell me that you mean it

That you won't leave again

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

I can't make you see

If you don't by now

I'll get through these chains

Some how

Some how

Take it if you want it

I'm so tired I just don't care

Can't you see how much you hurt me?

It's like I wasn't there

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

I can't make you see

If you don't by nowI'll get through these chainsSome howSome how

Tell me what your heart wants

Such a simple thing

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

My heart is like paper

Yours is like a flame

short list

I'm so fucking mad right now.
frustrated and mad.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Where is my strength and confidence?

I need to get out of this situation.
Problem is, as I see it right now, I can't just leave.
But why can't I?

This has been an issue with me for 10 years....I should have left then
When I still had some opportunity for success.

Here's the big thing.
I have become the person I never thought I would be.
Looking outside this relationship is bullshit.
That is not me, obviously it is me....
But it is NOT me.
I cannot say I was pushed to this but I cannot live in a household where my friends have been banned, sex is non existent, and there is no laughter.

My list is short...
1. I want someone to talk to....about life, books, humor, current events....we don't need to agree, just discuss .  I like to feel like the person I am with has something to offer in the form of intelligence, and a will to teach and discuss. I like to learn....so teach me...I too may have something to offer.
2. I want someone to take control once in a while.  I'm exhausted from doing most for the house.  I want someone who shares their needs and participate within the relationship....not living their own life, then showing up for the meals and preplanned vacations.  This mine is mine and yours is ours is bullshit.  Step up, add something to the picture, hey....go buy toilet paper, when you run out, clean the toilet once in a while, spend some of your "personal secret money" on the relationship.  Plan something and don't  say...." I don't know....what do you want?"
.....talk about emasculation...this is where it starts...if you can't make a decision on your own....and I have to do it every time....I become the man of the household.....I DO NOT WANT THIS!!!!  equal is good...or even, you take control for a bit.  take the reins.   I'll support you.
3. I want sex.  Intimate sexy sex.... fucking, loving, anything...I want someone to laugh and slap my butt...and I'll tell you what...I'm the most affectionate person you will meet.  When I want and love someone....I'm all there.  I want to sleep next to someone who wants to curl up and be close to fall asleep.  someone who wants to have a quickie in the car.  Give and receive....sex, love, knowing, intimacy, heat , breath, touch....   I can't take this non affection anymore.   I want to kiss someone.
4. I would like to do things once in a while.... I am perfectly capable of doing things alone, I prefer to hang with the people I love....so being in a relationship but never participating in anything together is fucked. It's hard to continue to support one person when they don't care to make the effort to support you.  It's just not worth it.
5. I don't feel like asking people I want to hang out with ,to hang out with me anymore. It's fine. There really are plenty of interesting people out there.  Maybe I chose a few of the wrong ones.  I'm not going to beg, and please don't try to get back in when you realize I have moved on....
6. last but not least ....be present.


There , I said it.
with all that said, I have been stressed to the gills. Work is shit and I have been throwing my resume out there. I am not hip on learning a bunch of brand new work stuff right now....but will if I have to.
I have my 5 year mammogram coming up and I can feel a lump in the same boob as before. I haven't told anyone, so I thought I would say it here.  I'll find out what they have to say in March...I'm gonna hope it is just fibroid cysts and call it a day, because if I have to go through all that crap again this household is going to fold big time.

write ya later,

xo,

m

forgetting the past and pushing forward

Bizarre week.

Buckle your liver straps, this is gonna be a truthful ride.

I had mentioned before about finding a therapist.   Yeah , that happened.

Going through the motions to attempt to correct years of bad behavior is not the easiest.

It's frustrating, somewhat comical, and even a bit disabling.

How do you make things better?  How do you forget the past enough to push it behind and focus on the good and the future? Can you? Maybe people just change. Actually, not maybe....people do change.  It's not a bad thing, it's actually often a great thing. People mature, learn new things and be happy.  Our problem is that we are not happy. We have changed so much that the night revolves around.....well, nothing.

I asked the therapist if this is normal.  He said, "it is NOT a normal or ok way to live, is it common, yes."

Should I just buckle in and accept that my other half, who I chose to spend my life with, is not happy with the way life is here? Continue the motions and just say to myself this is old age... we made it this far just be happy? No....we aren't happy.

 I don't blame him. We are both to blame because we honestly never fed each other's souls.  We never continued to build each other up.  He has his music; getting on stage and playing is his happiness. I love that.  He is amazing. When he is on stage he shines, he's sexy, he knows who he is and he revels in the attention.  

Then when he gets home he is back to the shell of a person I fell in love with.  

He hates the cold---we live in Colorado .

He doesn't like to go out anymore---- a man who used to love to hop on motorcycles and ride until we found a cool spot and just hang out, talking, laughing, planning.

He has stopped taking care of himself---- doesn't change his clothes, tidy up his grooming, or care for his body.  To me he still looks good, he just doesn't put for any effort....unless he is going on stage. 

He has just changed.  We all have.

I have changed too.

I finally have time for life.  I am older, wiser and in my mind I feel more beautiful---but without my life partner able to express that to me in any way it seems a bit disheartening and pointless.

I graduated from college which freed up time to do more things---but I have no one to do these things with. 

We have raised 3 amazing kids and the youngest is now old enough to not be bothered with me anymore which also frees up more time.

I have learned, although very recklessly and stubbornly, that I should not count on someone else to make my life complete.  This is how "not feeding another's soul" comes into play.  When this becomes a battle point, Ie: "you shouldn't count on me to make you happy, you need to make your self happy" or "According to you, I'll never be enough, there is no winning". What happens is that you (meaning me) start to just turn inward. You make yourself happy. The way it should work is : You become more happy and confident and the other person is drawn to that.

BUT

That is not what happened.  

We began to feed our own selves, not helping and believing in each other for strength anymore. No longer counting on each other or expecting anything.  This is not how a relationship works.  Over years we have literally stopped supporting the team. It hurts, and we are both at fault.

As I have aged the last few years I have had so many emotional breaks, thoughts from anger to suicide, but I have never quit loving.

I love hard. People in my life have always said I am too much feels.

It's ok.  It has gotten me through so many things, it has helped me build myself up so that I could continue to love in a relationship which is so broken.

Our changes don't mean I do not love him.  

I love him dearly, but :

1. I have damaged so much of our connections with anger, he cannot love me back.

2. He needs to look within his own life and see what can make him happy, really happy, then see if he can strengthen the ability to be a support to family.

3.When a couple loses the connection intimately, the safety factor fades. It is almost as if you are not sure if they have your back any more.  Would they jump in front of the proverbial bus if need be? Probably not....because although they "love" you....there is no real skin to skin, heart to heart , secrets and passion anymore....so the bus? you better not fall in front of the bus.

Without number 3.....you become roommates. 

and at a certain point even if you were roommates with benefits, it just isn't satisfying.

So, to get back to it.  We are continuing on with therapy.  He states he wants to try, but I am struggling. We are trying to learn how to talk. It is extremely difficult as of now our conversations are the "how was work, what do you want for dinner, did you walk the dog, and what do you want to watch on TV"

I love my other half and I do not want to hurt him but I also know it's time for both of us to be happy, really happy. If for him that means going back to California where he lived the best years of his life and reunite with old friends and do what he does, I'm ready to support that.

If it means a separation so that we can each breathe and love our selves again, I am for that too.

I am for whatever will help ease us into the next part of our lives so that we can bloom, love, laugh, ride motorcycles, play guitar, travel with friends and make love for connection, not duty.

This process has been very slow.

very slow

and I honestly am unsure how to move forward, especially when there is no real anger or hatred right now.

how ?

write ya later,

xo,

m

I am grateful for the friends and family that are supporting me through this, quietly...with the advice that , when it's time you will know, and you will all be ok.

And for the one friend who opens the door and lets me just sit on the couch under a blanket, cry and watch movies....It's a thing.

I can only hope my other half is finding support right now, but I fear he is not.

don't be a boob

It is coming up to my 5 years, post atypical cell growth in my right booby. 

Cancer.  

I'm not to worry because they said it was clean margins when they removed a 2"x 4" part of my tit.

So, why do I worry?

Because I'm a nurse and I deal with cancer diagnosis' every day.  What I do know is that cancer is never cured, you are never a winner. if you live long enough it comes back.  Maybe not in my boob....but probably somewhere else.

When I went through all this, I did it pretty much alone.  I did not want to worry my family. To this day, my kids still don't know. I waited until the surgery to tell my other half.  Post surgery I was to start chemo and do mammograms every 6 months.  I did a bit of soul searching and with talking to my oncologists,  opted to not continue treatment.  The answer was that it is a 75% chance that it will return within 5-10 years with no treatment.  Because it was a clean catch and not ductal or lymph nodes I chose to not participate.  It's been fine. 

5 years is January.

 ( after the surgery .... this was called a breast saving mastectomy....they take a big scoop out and leave everything else.  Mine was not ductal , I was lucky)

This past few months I have noticed a lump in 

the same breast.  But not too big.  I have lumpy boobs anyways so I am not going to stress until the new year when it is time for my mammogram.  

For people who aren't aware ....here is what you can look for in breast changes

No need to worry....

But I do worry.  I have some underlying bone pain in weird places, I have lost a bit of weight and I have a weird feeling.  (yes a weird feeling).

I will make an appointment with the dermatologist, pretty sure I need some business on my pasty skin corrected too. 

5 years.  

I'm going to just go with it.  I guess the best advice is to cross that bridge when I get there.  I'm not sure I can walk across that bridge alone this time.   

I'll just hope for no bridge....zip.... 

clear my mind....

don't worry

my boobs are real....but this is funny

write ya later, 

m

broken like a piece of china

I'm not gonna whine about this much more.  As I was told at some point, " no one owes you an excuse as to why they stop talking or caring,  just move on."

I get it...I'm moving.............slowly. 

I will elaborate only slightly, because some things are better left unsaid.

I have a hard time with "unsaid".

When you have a friend who rocks your world you re-think things, everything. 

Sunshine is brighter

Music has meaning

Sweets are sweeter 

and

honestly some stuff is just straight out amazing.

When you meet someone like this and you connect one often feels this is a "thing".  Nothing else really matters, this is something that will be here.  They get you. You get them. They give you advice, and you think more....contemplate.

Then little things start happening.  The timing is all wrong. Excuses are made and you start to wonder...

was I that wrong?  

Did my radar totally go whack? 

How could I let this person play me?

fuck

It's like I am a teen again and the breakup is bad. 

Except as a teen, it just scars you for life and makes baggage....

As an adult, when a friend dumps you, you break.  Like china.

I can't afford to break right now....

It's weird when your inner soul totally plays you for a fucking idiot.  

Is this some sort of bullshit lesson? 

Probably.

As my sister said, " you will do what is right when the time is right....maybe (this friend) was saving you a fall".

maybe

but I don't like it

I'm lonely

my brain has less to think about

less to smile about 

and less to dream about

yup...

I hate feeling like that crazy woman up the street....

Gotta let it go....

Maybe you will come around

totally worth it.

write ya later........

m

VD there is no real cure...

get some ointment.

For your listening and thinking pleasure of all my midlife friends, 

who have found love, 

have lost love, 

have made mistakes, 

have thought too much...

have looked in the wrong places

I heard eventually the fear goes away

You are Welcome

xo,

m

Sirens    

its time to finally come clean

and start 

fresh

if you would like to read the lyrics

Come on get Happy ...exes, teens, and everything in-between

"Do you think this is the life I wanted when I chose to move here?"

Uhhh, let me take an educated guess...no.

"Damn right"

Well, honestly, this is not exactly the fucking Partridge Family to me either.

Don't say anything you cant take back....don't say it. Bite your tongue.

For once my tongue has been bitten.  I will let everyone decide their fates.

You can't always be right, you can't always be happy, and you sure as shit can't always control what everyone else is doing.   The saddest most embarrassing part is dealing with a teenager who is constantly giving you the middle finger.  Bless his little heart.  Is this what I had thought would happen with my first born?   hell no.   I still dream of first dates and kids filling the basement, proms, and family vacations of fun.   Not exactly what is going on here right now.

I bite my tongue when my parent friends exclaim the intelligence of their children and the beauty and joy they bring.  The scholarships and college interviews.   The pictures of their teens sitting behind the wheel of their first car, so happy and ready to move forward with adulthood....everyone on the same page...stressful but joyful.

bwahahahhaha

The Ex rails me me with his passive aggressive parenting and blame game.  "It's your fault....it was YOUR decision...not mine."  "This is your fault."  

That is fine with me.  I'll take the blame, but if that is the case , get the hell out of the way and let me deal with it.  Not your way of dealing: " here, did your mom tell you there will be no more Internet?  Oh she said until your grades are a B avg. ?What a Bitch,  let me get you this phone, I'll pay for it  and here's a new iPad, just in case the computer won't work. "   

Hey jack ass, our kid needs a job, a car and some help getting his grades up....how about forking over some dough for a tutor?

How about for once, instead of saying " that is what I pay you for"...you do something.  How about you be a father instead of a playmate?  How about as they say...STEP UP TO THE PLATE.

The teen had a job...he got fired.  pretty awesome ,huh?  17 and all ready cant keep a job, all because he didn't feel like going and his dad said if he wasn't working every weekend he would take him snowboarding , but he seems to work all the time....here's a good thought .  Just don't go to work, go snowboarding and hope they don't really care.   Yeah, how did that work out?  

It's embarrassing.  

Almost horrifying to watch .

I'm losing my relationships due to not being able to handle all this.  I've all ready lost the man who used to make me laugh.  Nobody wants to be second or third.  I know I sure as heck don't , yet some how I have become last.

Isolated in a messed up home I designed all by myself.

This design is not working for me....

I'm investing in a wrecking ball...

so prepare yourself

m

360 days of my life #23

update on Ed

The night was long for me,listening to each labored breath. It was the same feeling as when one of the babies had a cold and all you can do is watch and hope they breathe. Gurgle, gurgle...breathe.

Being the responsible party in charge, I was required to poke Eddie every time his breathing stopped. I knew in my head the lapses in breath were dreams and good pain meds, and as much as I wanted to pop some of his pain meds (don't think I didn't look it up), I didn't...and stayed awake the entire night. He got up 4 times to hobble down the stairs and go potty. Whimpering each step, yet still wagging his fluffy tail.

We headed back to the vet at 8 AM for the morning check up. The Dr. listened to his lungs and poked, prodded, and smiled.

"Yesterday, I honestly didn't think he would make it through the night...He really stole all our hearts yesterday. "

We aren't out of the woods...but we can see the the thick grass ahead. Rest, love and hopefully no bronchitis or pneumonia and he should be up and moving within 3 weeks.

As we all know disaster strikes fast and furious and often without a break. I try not to acknowledge the feeling of fear when I look at the calendar and know that I have gone many months without a reality check. I try to sweep it under the rug and think of the big picture with in the Universe. Everything happens for a reason.

Many things are so very minor and often silly to even fret about when I watch the news of the world. My Universe seems so trite...yet I must remember that my Universe is part of that Universe and it has it's reasons, cause and effect.

Thanks for all the great prayers and good thoughts...

and to Ms. Sara I would like to thank her for also praying for the bill :)

the total damage was 875$ this included 4 xrays...and the revisit was no charge :)

a miracle in it's own right!

Honest Dr's...who did the right thing...yet had a backup plan if things had gone wrong.

center for balance

The other night I made time for myself to go to yoga. I had missed my running due to my orientation at the new job and felt like I owed it to myself, and to Synda, to show up to something...
It was in an adorable tiny studio in Loveland and we attended the "candlelight" class. It was dark and I had no idea what I was doing. I have previously been going to the Hot Yoga classes which Synda used to teach. It's similar to Military Yoga and would kill a frail person if not knowing what to expect. Candle light yoga is more similar to flow...but it doesn't really flow if you don't know the names of the positions and have to crane your neck to figure which direction your butt is supossed to be facing.
As we worked through the class I felt confused and couldn't hold a pose. I knew it was because I was not thinking about my body I was thinking about what comes next.

As we walked home, Synda commented on how strong I am. Yes, I'm strong. But it doesn't do any good until you can use your strength.
I have no balance.
I know I have no balance in my life right now.
The lady who was with us made a fabulous comparison for me, and it really hit home.
She said," It's like a potter's wheel and clay...once you let your mind go and know your center the clay just lines right up with your body."
You have to know your center, you must have balance in your life, you must let your heart line up.
Maybe this is why I needed to go to that candlelight yoga.
center