Bleeding to death...almost

It's like Dexter all up in here....

I have literally been bleeding for 3.5 weeks now. 

I'm gonna be honest, I am not sure how any living creature can bleed this much and still live.

I can attest to the fact that I don't feel great.

I am going to say maybe it's my period's last hurrah,

so that I don't forget about all the. miserable times together.

I should have invested in some tampon company, or at least toilet paper.

I'm exhausted.

I am also going to guess that it could be something else,

because I haven't felt great for a while.

but I'm a bit too scared to go get it checked.

As you may know I had a boob scare a few years ago and had part removed...

but also decided not to take the chemo.

so...

at that point the dr said, we will keep an eye on everything.

I'm hoping it has not reappeared in the boob's second favorite spot to send cancer cells...

the uterus.

I'm gonna say it's menopause ....yep, that is what I am going with.

on top of bleeding my entire relaxing getaway, I also ate some luscious fruit and found out in a quite sucky way that being allergic to latex also means you are often allergic to many of the yummy tropical fruits and apparently lobster and shrimp (which I kind of all ready knew).

I had a bite of lobster, some unidentifiable yummy fruit, bananas and plantains

and my mouth developed a crop of sores, swelling and yuck.

( about the same as when I had latex rubber bands on my braces)

It's gross and it hurts.

I hope this is just an ugly phase I'm going through, because I don't have enough energy due to blood loss to workout or run, I can't eat anything good right now because of my mouth....

and after I work all day I am so tired I cannot even bring myself to do a damn thing, except get in the bed.

send me some good vibes...

I'm tired of this 

I want to go have fun and feel perky again.

I want to stop looking at my bed like it is my second home.

(as I type this from my bed)

any suggestions?

write ya later,

xo

m

secrets…of a non sleeper

 a little secret …

after the kids are off to school and I know I have to work a 12 hour, thru the night shift,

I often turn the heating blanket on 9, pile the pillows around me, and crawl back to sleep.

I doze in and out until 3pm….or until my back hurts.

Working nights I have discovered I now sleep better during the days.

I would sleep even better if I had this

zzz

m

365 days of my life ....exhausted

Sleep never comes easy for me.  My mind races like I'm racing in a Nascar.  It makes me miserable.  So much so that my teen has started asking, as a daily gauge, "How'd ya sleep?"

That way he knows if he should actually talk to me or just run and hide.

I believe the racing of the mind may be the worst.  Maybe you have experienced such a thing.  As my tired brain, encased inside my sleepy head hits the pillow I start thinking of working out....the stuff I didn't do.... the art project I want to do...the junk cabinet that needs cleaned out.  Did anyone feed the cat, who moved out of the house into the neighbor's front yard since it stopped snowing?   Is the pipe still leaking?  Man, I hate cooking dinner.  What if someone dies on my shift?  Why is Olive so mean all the time.  How much longer til Easter when I can have a cocktail?  I wish the dog would quit licking it's balls, I  hate that smacky sound.  damnit to hell I'm tired!

You know the usual stuff.

I want to sleep.  Sleep like Bobby does, not a movement all night.  He can sleep right through the smoke detector alarm right above our bed.

is there any cure for this?

I'm so tired, and I can feel myself aging every night I only sleep 4 hours.

First day of Long Term Care

I am home and relaxing after my first typical shift at a long term care facility...or what you folks know as an Old Folks Home.

I arrived promptly at 6am, figured out where I was to be, hustled my butt up there to have the LPN who was to train me, give me the once over and basically raise her hand and say, "Don't ask me any questions". Great, should be an informative first day.

My goal...try to figure out where a few of the things are, who a few of the patients are, and what the hell I'm to be doing and it what type of time frame.

Here it is summed up: Do a shitload in a short amount of time.

You start at 6am getting pills together for 27 patients and just imagine...approximately 9 pills each patient and the occasional Insulin shot. Yes...and when you get that done, you start agin because it repeats itself at noon. Luckily I got to leave at 230. I made it through, the LPN chummed up to me, because I helped and she got to sit on her duff, and I managed not to kill anyone.

For the next 2 weeks I work straight through, sometimes working 2 shifts a day. This will not include my parenting schedule (that will have to find it's own way into my life).

When I arrived home from work this afternoon, Bobby said we were going to friends house for some sort of lamb bbq? (me, I'm vegetarian). I looked at him and said, "would you be terribly disappointed if I just stayed home to finish my Pediatric Medical Calculations and then curl up on the couch?"

HUH!!! ? this is family stuff, I go to your things!!!

I almost cried, he must have seen the tears welling up and said , "OK., I guess."

thank you

thank you

thank you.

I made blackbeans,brown rice and sweet potato chunks...watched my boyfriend Anthony Bourdain, finished my homework, knitted, folded laundry and am no going to wash the MRSA off of me (which I should have done first) then hit the bed...with my book.

hugs and kisses

m

oh my God...here it is in a nutshell

Yesterday....and today

1. olive came home in different clothes, threw up at Becky's.

2. Later said she had a tummy ache...had diarrhea, took care of that.

3. 145 am..."mommy, I poopied!"  On the toilet...good sign...flipped on the light.  SHIT everyWHERE!!!  once she saw it she started screeching , "get it OFF!!!"  (can't say I blame her)

4.  No sign of movement from the dad...Possibly didn't hear?  (yeah sure)

5. 200 am sponge bath and sheet change.

6.  Olive back in bed

7.  Put shitty diaper in plastic bag left in table

8. Next morning, Dad in all his infinite wisdom threw bag with shitty, shitty diarrhea pullup out onto the back porch (thanks)

9. work 5 am - 1130 am...back home

10.  PEEyeew.  what's that smell?  Gross, dogs have dragged shitty pullup back into the house via the dog door and have rolled in it and eaten what was left.  (once again, thanks Dad)

11.  No time... study, have 3 exams tomorrow....

12. Ilin comes home...YUK what's that smell, Mom?   Don't ask...just get in the car we have to get Sissy.

13.  First, do a rip roarin' grocery flyby so that I can make a fabulous meal for my family.

14. go get Olive...then get home. Jammed out to the Pogues...it is almost Beer Holiday!

15.  Bobby in the door" what's for dinner?  You know I have practice tonight?"  

16. Shit...SHIT, double shit

17.510...making dinner, while thinking about how I'm going to fail my tests.

DINNER:

whole wheat pasta, tossed with olive oil, light garlic, green beans cherry tomatoes and 1/4 c of ricotta cheese...so good.

salad:  shredded carrot with pears and curry vinagrette...too weird for the kids.

18. Bobby hated the dinner.  grimaced quietly.  kids tried to choke it down while saying how "yummy it was"...liars!  ....damn food network...well, i liked it.

19. Bobby out the door.  as leaving I yelled..."I feel like a slave"  Didn't go over to well :(

20. Folded laundry.  1,2 ,3 loads  ....i hate laundry

21.  cleaned up the trails of ants that came into the laundry room...isn't it still winter?

22. 2nd glass of wine...should help my studies.

23. decide to blog instead of study.

24...realized I'm in big trouble tomorrow.

on a better note. the bedroom got painted by default.  I put all the stuff in the room and crossed my fingers and it worked,it's painted.  I have to order the vinyl decals...then I'll take more pictures

you guys...

i love ya!

m