My Life in Black. Mortality

 Today I took a few moments to do some true self care and time to think.

I choose not to go to the gym. 

I chose not to run...

I chose not to stress...

What I did choose was:

Coffee

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

and

DIY pedicure and nails

and contemplation.

Mortality

in the next week I seriously will have to deal with life in my face again

I can only think that the spirits that be ,want me to

UNDERSTAND

what Death means....

what Life means....

what Love means....

Death, Suicide, NY, Depression, Divorce, and

Mortality.

In the next week I will be writing as much as my mind and Psyche allows.

I am heading to my home town to sit in wait, 

hopefully with humor, grace and mostly love,

with my childhood bestie as she dies.

I will be as strong as I can for her and we know at this point it is harder for us than her...

She has promised to try to make it til Friday, when I arrive....

 and I believe her, because she has never lied to me before and she is a doer.

I have 2 nights to lay in her bed ( the bed her gramma died in),

bathe her, rub her back, Paint her nails, pull her chin hairs,

have a cocktail if tolerated, and laugh about the entire idiocy of life itself.

In my mind I am so sorry and sad, yet grateful this is quick for her.

I am trying not to think of what this really is quietly doing to me on the inside.

why am I called to these situations over and over 

there must be a reason?

right?

you aren't leaving that easy....

Karma is an amazing thing.

It can piss you off and make you chuckle at the same time

In my twenties it was one of those things that i really didn't call karma...

I just called it life.

Things could only be great for so long....

then you knew the shit was going to hit the fan.

it was reality.

Like this:

find $50 then have to pay an unexpected bill for $55.

As I have gotten older I realize that no matter how much good you do in the world,

shit will still happen.

Shit will still happen to you.

Past few years have been...

sad, trying, beautiful, and questionable.

2019...not to sound trite....was a definite year of decision making and life changes.

It took a long ass time to get to the point where I decided to make a change for myself, to do what my heart had said to do years ago....

to do what friends had suggested to bring happiness for all the was involved.

"life is short"

"everyone , and I mean everyone deserves good things"

and some of this......

"you will never do it"

"when the time is right, you will wake up and know"

"go ahead...try it"

bitch

with that said....

let's talk...let me talk....

or let me write....

write....

write....

It often happens that the exact thing you want, need , crave, change your life for....

is the exact thing which is held out of reach for you.

the thing in which Karma will not allow you to have.

lessons in life

lessons in love

lesson for the heart, body, soul.

For one amazing good thing gained...

Karma will often take one away.

A friend said to me...

no, you are not experiencing Karma....

that is not how it works

but I think it may actually be.

but ,

good is happening 

he keeps me smiling all day.

he touches me in a way I have never been touched

he checks on me

at all hours,

he cancels all of my fears....

over and over again

without 

wavering.

trust 

nothing to hide

open book

canceling out karma

with every word.

my fragile heart searches for you in the dark...

maybe time running out 

is a gift

xo,

likely one of us will have to spend some time alone
i'll give ou every second I can find
m

listen....

just listen....

It's not the long, flowing dress that you're in

Or the light coming off of your skin

The fragile heart you protected for so long

Or the mercy in your sense of right and wrong

It's not your hands searching slow in the dark

Or your nails leaving love's watermark

It's not the way you talk me off the roof

Your questions like directions to the truth

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

Or one day you'll be gone

If we were vampires and death was a joke

We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke

And laugh at all the lovers and their plans

I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand

Maybe time running out is a gift

I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift

And give you every second I can find

And hope it isn't me who's left behind

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

Or one day you'll be gone

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

One day you'll be gone

Older Should be Better....Right?

I know some of you follow me on IG.  

I'm just a friend of many.  I try to say it like it is, which is often pretty realistic (such as the fact I took a selfie with no makeup, in my dirty 1970's kitchen) Lord knows I am never gonna be an influencer like that!!!  That shit is real and when you work full time, try to stay healthy, have a teenager (OMG that shit will kill you), and bizarre family dynamics you just do what you do to get through the hour, the day, the month , and the year....and pray it doesn't go too fast that you miss out.

I wanna talk about Older, Smarter, Better....

me .....older and still mastering the other 2.

I'll be 50 in a few weeks and I am starting, finally, to get it....to just plain old understand how the stuff I tended to worry about, really doesn't matter.  I think of all the times my mom said to me as a teen, "Stop being such a drama queen, that shit won't matter by next week!" 

She was so correct (as usual).

I can officially say I am older now.  I like it.  It doesn't bother me too much.  

I feel wiser, because I am wiser. 

This does NOT mean I don't struggle everyday with getting up and taking care of myself in a way which will keep me moving into the next 10 years.  

If there is one thing I want to say to you....it's not too late to start taking care of yourself.

If you are overweight, go get a physical and start slow. You don't need to join a gym (unless you want to)....just go walk. listen to a book or podcast and walk. Cut out Sodas and add in water. It's these little things which can keep you off medications and feeling better. 

you do no one any favors if you are not healthy or taking care of your skin suit.

Lift some weights.  You need to strengthen your muscles and your core.  

You are going to need it for balance, believe it or not. 

Hell, I fell UP the stairs at work the other day and I can guarantee if I was not as strong/healthy as I am right now I would have broken my leg, hip , or even worse cracked my head.   But I caught my dumbass , cracking my shin, and spilling my coffee...20 pounds heavier, it would not have been good.

Smarter?

I'm not sure.  My best advice...keep reading, listen to one book, read one book and keep a list on a site like GoodReads.  It's nice to know that you accomplish things even if you don't remember what the hell you have read or done.

I have Alzheimer's in my family .... so I try to keep my brain moving.  I try new things and I don't buy into that bullshit that I can't change, or I am too old.

With that said ....last year, or so, I did try an aerial ribbon dance class and that was the first time that I thought,

"For fuck's sake , Myssi, you are too old for this ribbon hanging stuff"

But I completed the class, and was horrible, but laughed a lot and got kudos for being the oldest in the class.

Better?

This is easy.... 

We know more now, so do better.  Maybe Oprah said that or something ...But she is damn right.  There is no excuse as a grown adult to be a dick.

People need kindness and empathy, so now that you are moving up Maslow's Heirarchy 

be kind, be better....reach that Nirvana.

It's pretty simple.   

Volunteer , offer a nice word, tell someone they are beautiful, encourage a person to move up and forward....

just do good things....you will feel better.  

Even if you get nothing back, because honestly, as an adult what do you really need?, you get those amazing Karma points that most of us blew through in our shitty 20's.

I'm no guru.  My life , if you read my posts ,has been a circle of weird times, confused love, horrible body image, bad hair, and one time I even tried to wax my own hooha....

But I can honestly say I am smarter now....better.....and I will never ever try to wax myself again.

That shit is for the pros.

now go out for a walk and do good things

write ya later

xo

m

           

Death to your soul

I still remember the day I decided to change my thought pattern. Well, maybe not the exact day, but, I remember. There were a couple of moments when things just couldn't really get any worse, and I decided why NOT try something different? I remember my dear friend, Amy, telling me to think bigger...think bigger....if your circle is not working for you...make it bigger, widen your cirlce. I remember watching Oprah ... I actually had a light bulb moment...see this post. See, your life is what you make of it. It takes stepping out of the box and changing the format. It's not about playing the blame game or the "yeah whatever" game. It's about saying Fuck This, I live one life I don't want to sit around Pissing and moaning about things which really won't even matter eventually. It isn't always easy and it isn't always perfect, but 9 out of 10 times you can turn it around by changing the actions ;and I love that strength. I, personally,have stopped dwelling on the bad parts of the past and the mistakes I have made over and over again to say to myself, "Well, damn Girl, If you know that is/was/continues to be a mistake...STOP doing it!"

Complaining feeds on itself, anger feeds on everything, and not letting go...that is sure death to your soul.

I have changed. I can breathe. Things are NOT always my fault and the anger people carry is not because of what I did or didn't do. It's from what they did or didn't do.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't really change anyone but your self. You can lead by being as true to your self as you can, and you can only hope that they will one day feel the strength to change.

It is such an easy task that I am baffled why more people don't just try it. Stop going in circles. Change it!!! It takes one little thought at a time, one new pattern to stick to and the world can open up and shine.

Put out what you want to get back. Think big and focus on the task at hand.

write ya later

m

Making my garden grow

Little sprouts in the garden have reminded me of all the fresh starts which are going on right now. It is a daunting task to start fresh, very daunting. Start small is what I say.

That is what I did, I cleaned out the shed...

I can now get in there!

(doesn't look clean...should have seen it before!)

I mowed the lawn.

I found my new dahlias under the sage (this made me happy).

I weeded.

I also got a wonderful email from a fellow nursing student who I helped get a job in an area where they never hire new grads. She was so excited and I'm excited for her!

Good Karma points for all...good karma, I believe it is what may make my garden grow.