It's Ok to be Lonely. right?

Here it is 

I'm lonely. 

 I have the most amazing friends.  

Friends from years gone by, from now, from short spurts of travel....but I'm lonely.

I don't have THAT friend anymore.  

The friend that shows up with beer in their Pjs

The friend who meets you after work

the friend that says, "I'm in!"

i don't have it 

Being older makes it harder to make new friends or be part of a friend group. Most women have their friend group and aren't super open to new besties. It's a thing.

I've heard from people among posts and passing by things, people I know say about me " she is the most unexpected friend you can have in your circle....she will sit and hold your hand when needed. shes the one you want in time of need.  ( the reference was on a death situation)"

i think this is true

but would anyone hold my hand ?

who's gonna pluck my chin hairs and  sneak me cocktails ? WHO?

Tell me.  

tell me 

xo, 

m

a few weeks ago

 a few weeks ago I was really struggling, really struggling.

I had a day at work where I was called to HR for a good reprimanding.  It's not uncommon for me to get called into the office for speaking my mind.  I am a charge nurse...and if you aren't familiar it is a low paid leader.  A leader of the people(nurses etc) who save your life , I make the schedule and do everything no one higher up wants to do...with no extra pay.  If you are a nurse long enough in an area it is inevitable that you will be moved into a charge position.  Something that I have avoided up until late.  I am a leader by nature, but I am not a role model.  I can educate people and preceptor, but I am not an ass kisser and never will be. I am unable to follow rules consistently, especially if I think they are asinine.  I am able to follow policy, but not made up rules by people who have no idea what the hell is going on in the real world.  And if you do not understand that last statement, then really think about some of the shit they come up with at work that is not policy....ie: only 1 ream of paper at the desk, no drinks etc at the computer, no listening to headphones ( even if you work independently on a computer in the basement).  I just can't buy in.  Policy yes, rules no.  

Besides this, I had been called to the office, once again, for a snarky attitude and standing up to a new Doctor who came into our operating room and wanted to change the way we do things for his benefit and I called him out on it.  But honestly, this is not the issue.  I knew I would get called in.  Nurse vs Doctor....never going to win unless it is a critical situation and 98% the nurse has better skill than the education of the Dr.   But this wasn't the case that day. I said what I said and stood by it, not backing down and 3 days later got a call to the pretend HR department.   **** HR:  the lady who does payroll is also HR, she hates everyone and you cannot go to her for anything because she is part of everything.  It is so biased that I'm not even sure how they can even legally call it HR.

I took my lashes and left. grumbling under my breath , wondering why I stay, why I put up with a place that does not appreciate my work ethic, skill, humor, and even snark.  But the big part came as I drove home.

I had no one to call.  My rock, Sissy, is gone.  She was the one I spoke to every single day on my 45 minute drive home.   A check in call, a "hey, whatcha doin?" call.   But, she is gone.  then I realized I have no one,  Not a single person I would call to tell my shit to.  Not my friends , not my other half, no one.  She was my burden carrier. 

As I thought about this.....

 my heart sank dark.  I have always been a person to have many friends.  And I do.  So many, but not a single person I would tell my heart ache to. Zero.  I drove home weeping and snortling with self pity.  I have felt this before but this came over me like a heavy weighted blanket.  

Why am I here?

Why do I go to a job that hates me?

why do I continue to move forward?  what.  ??  to make some money, pay bills and encourage others to be happy?   all while I want to die?

I was so heavy with burden I went home and thought that my life , as valuable as I know it is, because it is LIFE.....life  , at that moment, carried no value to me at all. 

I picked up the phone and put it down, I started to text a few people, but erased it .  I cried, I thought about life in the future with out my sis. without a person to talk to, without that friend , or really any friend who knows everything about me .  I thought about death. 

i thought about death

How I know I need help with the burdens I carry.  It has become too heavy for me.  

How I wanted someone right then to not say a word but encase me in their arms and say, "You are strong, I am here" yes

that is what i need, needed   safety

I got through it.  I sat and thought about the people I love and my kids.   It was strong enough this time to keep me safe.

I didn't have a plan, but I did have a vision of what it would be like to not carry the pain.

i made a note to myself

"please get help"    

xo,

m

If It Doesn't Make You Wiser.... Quarantine Days

I get lost...

not sure what holds things down

or back

in my head.

This beautifully sad movie was not the ideal thing for me to watch today,

alone...

maybe too close to home....

Maybe made me feel 

too much

and the hole opened again.

so many things I need to sit and think about,

to fix

to not be another disappointment 

Being strong is what is expected...

The mean mom, the tough one,

the bitch ex wife....

(almost)

As I continue to try to run away, to escape and to be strong...

reality keeps seeping in.

I go back to work in a week and I'm not sure I'm ready.

I definitely don't want to continue to sit around but I also am not sure I can keep my shit together.

I really do not want to cry ...

I don't want to talk about it because when I do I feel the need to only say the good stuff, 

because there was a lot of good stuff.

Keep the sad or morbid stuff quiet...

then I realized today,

the bucket I cram all that into is nearing the top, with no overflow.

I can't sleep

it's not all about my job etc...that really just allowed me to but a name ,or an excuse, on my feelings.

Now it's everything

every dark spot I had ,or have no control over, is there and it feels pretty vast.

I'll be fine

but I wonder what others do?

I was sent this article 

"I Can't Turn My Brain Off: PTSD and Burnout Threaten Medical Workers"

I sit here and think maybe taking time off is really not the best idea...

Maybe that is the exact idea as to why they often require us to work continuously

Then I was sent a link to 10-33 foundation for reintegration...

I put it a folder last week...

today I opened it and filled it out.

I should probably write more, because I sure as shit don't want to talk more

I just want to laugh...

I want to be done with this divorce ...

because I cannot understand it and that kills me too

I get angry when I see him still sitting on the couch doing the exact same thing....

when he stuffs all my belongings in the basement and has ripped up and thrown away every family picture....

just seems really hurtful, but yet again...I hurt him

I still pay the bills and mortgage...

I'm not sure I have ever been much of anything except a bill payer ....

I don't want to talk to family because they really don't need to know

and even if they did,

what can they do.

As silly as it sounds I want to just sit and listen to the birds

or do something I can complete and be proud of...

have someone rub my back while I fall asleep 

and make sure I do fall asleep...safely

I would like to sit and listen to music

and not cry...not feel that overwhelming burden.

I don't want to think about how much more I could do for the people in my life...

son, daughter, friends, lovers, family, and the people I promise to care for within my job...

There is nothing I can really do

except wait it out

figure it out

keep smiling...

and hoping I can be the person I am supposed to be.

xo,

write ya later,

m

here.....if it doesn't make you wiser...

Wiseblood

Zola Jesus

This'll be my last home

But this stream will carry me through

But this stream isn't home no more

And truth can make immune

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

And this'll be my one remorse

But this stream's kept me abused

And this stream is a hungry course

And time can make it new

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

In these parting days, I am losing all my senses

In these timeless days, I can barely see through

In this crowded space, I am losing all my senses

In these drowned out bays, I can barely see through

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

you aren't leaving that easy....

Karma is an amazing thing.

It can piss you off and make you chuckle at the same time

In my twenties it was one of those things that i really didn't call karma...

I just called it life.

Things could only be great for so long....

then you knew the shit was going to hit the fan.

it was reality.

Like this:

find $50 then have to pay an unexpected bill for $55.

As I have gotten older I realize that no matter how much good you do in the world,

shit will still happen.

Shit will still happen to you.

Past few years have been...

sad, trying, beautiful, and questionable.

2019...not to sound trite....was a definite year of decision making and life changes.

It took a long ass time to get to the point where I decided to make a change for myself, to do what my heart had said to do years ago....

to do what friends had suggested to bring happiness for all the was involved.

"life is short"

"everyone , and I mean everyone deserves good things"

and some of this......

"you will never do it"

"when the time is right, you will wake up and know"

"go ahead...try it"

bitch

with that said....

let's talk...let me talk....

or let me write....

write....

write....

It often happens that the exact thing you want, need , crave, change your life for....

is the exact thing which is held out of reach for you.

the thing in which Karma will not allow you to have.

lessons in life

lessons in love

lesson for the heart, body, soul.

For one amazing good thing gained...

Karma will often take one away.

A friend said to me...

no, you are not experiencing Karma....

that is not how it works

but I think it may actually be.

but ,

good is happening 

he keeps me smiling all day.

he touches me in a way I have never been touched

he checks on me

at all hours,

he cancels all of my fears....

over and over again

without 

wavering.

trust 

nothing to hide

open book

canceling out karma

with every word.

my fragile heart searches for you in the dark...

maybe time running out 

is a gift

xo,

likely one of us will have to spend some time alone
i'll give ou every second I can find
m

listen....

just listen....

It's not the long, flowing dress that you're in

Or the light coming off of your skin

The fragile heart you protected for so long

Or the mercy in your sense of right and wrong

It's not your hands searching slow in the dark

Or your nails leaving love's watermark

It's not the way you talk me off the roof

Your questions like directions to the truth

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

Or one day you'll be gone

If we were vampires and death was a joke

We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke

And laugh at all the lovers and their plans

I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand

Maybe time running out is a gift

I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift

And give you every second I can find

And hope it isn't me who's left behind

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

Or one day you'll be gone

It's knowing that this can't go on forever

Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone

Maybe we'll get forty years together

But one day I'll be gone

One day you'll be gone

it's so hard

It is...

It sucks.

it really doesn't matter how many friends you have... you are always alone.

I understand that. I really do.

I'm going to type perfectly honest right now.

I can't sleep, My 3 am text buddy died in his sleep last week

His best friend, Mark,  is broken.

He texted me tonight

"what ya doin"?

I texted back....

"I'm here....I can come to you"

We sat and had a beer, ate some dinner and talked about the good times we had shared with Chris...

I know he hurts....

I can't fix it.

Just listen and keep being strong

I'm having a hard time....taking care of people and not breaking down.

working,

mediating Olive,

and being me.

I want to leave and go somewhere but it is not feasible.

I want to run away but I'm not 22...

gotta suck it up and keep moving forward no matter what I feel right now.

the silence of the separation is nerve wracking

it will be ok

xo,

write ya later,

m

365 days: Today I did a thing ...day 189

I did a thing,,,,

outside my comfort zone. 

I was invited to hang out with the Litas , an all women motorcycle group.

I was nervous, why?.... not sure...

maybe because I'm old and I think I'm cool and shit, but am really not.

But anyways I went.

Rode the scoot to the private party and crossed my fingers.

It is always a bit weird going to do something completely alone, but I don't hate it...it's just a bit awkward at first.

I got there...

and they forgot to tell me it was a dress up party, meaning....dresses, so no one had ridden their bike.

Oh well.

It was a mixed bag and it turned out quite nice.  

they were welcoming and were huggers (which I love) 

all different ages and skills.

I liked it.

The Litas Colorado

I took a picture of them before the group pic and they are really cute.

The other group I visited in Denver a few years ago, was never very friendly or welcoming. 

They were very cliquey and it seemed more of a fashion show than a place to meet and ride with like minded people.

I felt out of place there....

I am a solo person.  I love hanging with people and having fun, but as soon as people start comparing riding boots and kevlar and when their next finger tattoo is happening , I'm out.

It's one of the main reasons I don't hang out with many girls.

I don't fit in.

So, I hope this group is different .

I hope I can find a bit of camaraderie.

PS.  I have been riding alone, more lately.  It is quite liberating, quiet and thought provoking.

I still wish I had someone to ride with once in a while...

for now, 

I will do

xo,

m

365 days: Mirrored Life and No More Public Sadness

2 weeks and my soul is still very heavy.

I went to bed yesterday at 6:40pm and woke at 8am....

Still tired, aged 1000 years and my list of shit I need to accomplish continues to grow.

I took this picture to remind myself I am still alive...

My son is still alive....

and my heart is still beating.

all the cocktails in the world will not help

my drug days are way over (thank you)...

Talking to people really doesn't help, because all it does is push people away in an awkward manner

and 

ignoring myself apparently will not help 

I have told myself this morning, as I drink my green smoothie, get ready for going down my list and accomplishing things such as brushing teeth, eating a solid food, going outside, laundry (because I stink), and try to exercise...

I tell myself that I am not going to be that friend people want to ignore after today.

My life is not that heavy and my problems should be mine and mine alone.

But I am going to share a one sided story.

Then I will say my thanks to the people I love.

I was Elliot.

I lived the life of bars, strip clubs...poor choices in men.

is it a gene? is it a lack of fatherly love?

who knows. 

Was I sexually abused by my dad?  NO

The neighbor boy up the street? Yes...

but I thought it was a game....

I have never been a victim.

even after being raped by a man I knew,

 who broke into my apartment while I was at work and waited for me.

my fault...

play the game and recover...

These people in my life were poor decisions and I set myself up for bad shit to happen.

I was young.

I was headstrong

and I didn't care for myself a whole hell of a lot.

I worked precarious jobs, but was always smart enough to not get too involved.

I worked with questionable people,

but again....

stayed solo in my life...

hopping from situation to situation with close friends often not even knowing where or what I was doing.

did I do drugs?  yes.  

with the promise I would never shoot-up...

I never did...

but, you can get the same effect smoking or snorting.

Waking up in people's house and not knowing where you are...

wrong side of town...

outside in a yard...

with blood pouring from a knife slice from someone I trusted...

 and a scar not even a tattoo can cover

funny stories, now....kind of...

Somehow I avoided death and the addictive gene.

I begged my soul for help to be stronger, and to not want so much...

I wrote letters to myself...

reminders...

you got this

all by your self....

you got this.

I knew (know) I was (am) a broken person.

wanting to be loved more than anyone can actually give.

I finally left that town...Atlanta.

I escaped... 

moved to the mountains in Colorado

I got a day job

I milked goats.

Someone who did not know a thing about me gave me chance waiting tables in a breakfast place.

I didn't have access to drugs...

I didn't have access to friends...

I was horrifying lonely...

sad...

really sad

I lapsed a few times with poor decisions...

but I made it.

here I am....

and maybe that is why I am so saddened for the death of Elliot.

Because I saw her resume sitting on the table that morning when the police asked me to go in and look around. 

She was trying.

She constructed an entire resume outlining her strengths and work ethic.

To go from nightlife

to the safety of day life.

but she did not make it

stuck in the night.

That is my short version of my story.

Many parts of my life are very secret.

laughable and haunting.

here I am at 50.

looking into a time machine of a young girl who was living my life and many other's

poor choices...

heartbreakingly lonely

and a young man who couldn't fix or love her enough

Elliot/Ashton

photo by : Ilin Blue

this is my last day of horrible public sadness.

It does no one any good....

I am thankful for the few friends who  have come to me....

 even though I say to stay away...

I'm good.

so thankful.

My dreams and thoughts still take me to the comfort of that certain someone else...

 multiple times a day

comfort, safety, and warmth...

and quiet...

wanting to escape to the safety of strong arms...

💙

last day...

My kids need me

Her mom needs me

I think I need myself

write ya later

xo,

m