a few weeks ago

 a few weeks ago I was really struggling, really struggling.

I had a day at work where I was called to HR for a good reprimanding.  It's not uncommon for me to get called into the office for speaking my mind.  I am a charge nurse...and if you aren't familiar it is a low paid leader.  A leader of the people(nurses etc) who save your life , I make the schedule and do everything no one higher up wants to do...with no extra pay.  If you are a nurse long enough in an area it is inevitable that you will be moved into a charge position.  Something that I have avoided up until late.  I am a leader by nature, but I am not a role model.  I can educate people and preceptor, but I am not an ass kisser and never will be. I am unable to follow rules consistently, especially if I think they are asinine.  I am able to follow policy, but not made up rules by people who have no idea what the hell is going on in the real world.  And if you do not understand that last statement, then really think about some of the shit they come up with at work that is not policy....ie: only 1 ream of paper at the desk, no drinks etc at the computer, no listening to headphones ( even if you work independently on a computer in the basement).  I just can't buy in.  Policy yes, rules no.  

Besides this, I had been called to the office, once again, for a snarky attitude and standing up to a new Doctor who came into our operating room and wanted to change the way we do things for his benefit and I called him out on it.  But honestly, this is not the issue.  I knew I would get called in.  Nurse vs Doctor....never going to win unless it is a critical situation and 98% the nurse has better skill than the education of the Dr.   But this wasn't the case that day. I said what I said and stood by it, not backing down and 3 days later got a call to the pretend HR department.   **** HR:  the lady who does payroll is also HR, she hates everyone and you cannot go to her for anything because she is part of everything.  It is so biased that I'm not even sure how they can even legally call it HR.

I took my lashes and left. grumbling under my breath , wondering why I stay, why I put up with a place that does not appreciate my work ethic, skill, humor, and even snark.  But the big part came as I drove home.

I had no one to call.  My rock, Sissy, is gone.  She was the one I spoke to every single day on my 45 minute drive home.   A check in call, a "hey, whatcha doin?" call.   But, she is gone.  then I realized I have no one,  Not a single person I would call to tell my shit to.  Not my friends , not my other half, no one.  She was my burden carrier. 

As I thought about this.....

 my heart sank dark.  I have always been a person to have many friends.  And I do.  So many, but not a single person I would tell my heart ache to. Zero.  I drove home weeping and snortling with self pity.  I have felt this before but this came over me like a heavy weighted blanket.  

Why am I here?

Why do I go to a job that hates me?

why do I continue to move forward?  what.  ??  to make some money, pay bills and encourage others to be happy?   all while I want to die?

I was so heavy with burden I went home and thought that my life , as valuable as I know it is, because it is LIFE.....life  , at that moment, carried no value to me at all. 

I picked up the phone and put it down, I started to text a few people, but erased it .  I cried, I thought about life in the future with out my sis. without a person to talk to, without that friend , or really any friend who knows everything about me .  I thought about death. 

i thought about death

How I know I need help with the burdens I carry.  It has become too heavy for me.  

How I wanted someone right then to not say a word but encase me in their arms and say, "You are strong, I am here" yes

that is what i need, needed   safety

I got through it.  I sat and thought about the people I love and my kids.   It was strong enough this time to keep me safe.

I didn't have a plan, but I did have a vision of what it would be like to not carry the pain.

i made a note to myself

"please get help"    

xo,

m

YO...I'm not dead...just tired

I'm not dead, I have just been working a crazy schedule, along with dealing with the kids: Homecoming,book fairs, conferences...it barely leaves any time for myself.

Hmmmph.

I started a little project, maybe even one I can finish.

It's going to be a Pixel Painting.

I had Bobby take this picture (I'm not going to say what it is) and Pixelate it in PS.

We Pixelated it down to about 8 shades of black,...ummmm you know, greys and such.

I am right now attempting to number them.

This is taking longer than expected due to drinking.  It is my day off and I like to live to the fullest on those days, so if I have to art it up while a bit tipsy I'll have to face the consequences right?

Once I get it all numbered in my 1" boxes I will start mixing the paint, then Off I will go!

Note to everyone, I have never painted before...so this is a crap shoot. 

Here's a short real life story for you.

At work the other night, I cleaned up so much poop I thought I was working at the Zoo.

I had a lil ol lady who every time I stood her up to get on the potty it would just pour out, even through her depends.  (not so dependable in that moment).  At one point she asked what we did to her?  "why did you do this to me? in a thick Jewish accent)...You are a very bad person."  I gently explained to her, as I hopped from one Dansko to the other, it was the other nurse, NOT me.  I would never do this to anyone especially knowing I had to clean it up.
She realized I was right then said "You Poor Poor Child, why do you do this work?"
I replied, "Right now, I haven't a clue".

The splatter was amazing.  My CNA was growling and I was wishing I had on full terrorist gear.

After approximately 4 hours of water poop she stopped...like a miracle of sorts.

This was only 1 of 5 of my patients and 4 of them were incontinent to stool as we say in the biz.

My night was long and stinky...

Finally the shift ended, and as I sat in my car, organizing myself for the drive home, I learned a valuable lesson.

Never use the Heated leather seats when you smell like shit.

It amplifies it 20 fold, and in a small car it is bad bad news.

There...don't tell me I have never taught you anything.

xo,

m

new nurse diatribe 101

I worked last night. 7p-7a...a long long shift, especially when you are running around all confused. I said my normal mantra before I left the house, " tonight you will lear, relax, and enjoy the new opportunities." well just by saying that I am pretty sure I ruined my entire night.

When I arrived I was given my assignment.: 5 patients,1 student nurse and 1 transfer coming form another floor. Ok...I know...all you grown up nurses are saying , "you big cry baby, why don't you come to University where we give 6-8 patients?! quit your belly achin" well, I don't work at University I work at poedunk community where it's usually 4-5 patients....and on top of that I'm a new nurse...not even an RN...I'm an LPN working the same job as RNs, with RNs, for less pay...

nevermind that.

The first 3 patients were Ortho (had hip surgeries) fairly normal and at night my golden rule is Medicate and Monitor...sleep babies sleep...I made this golden rule up but is very valuable for night shift. I had one nursing student who took care of one of my patients for part of the night. This is always awesome, but quite confusing when they leave, you feel like you have never seen the patient before.

Then a spleen injury and a telemetry patient (my first heart monitoring!!!) he was a mess.

so here is one: snowboarder vs. tree.... spleen laceration...which totally sucked...but the bigger issue was at this point he hadn't crapped in 4 days, which was making him nauseous, pissy, gassy and just plain old sad. his tummy was sticking out like a beach ball and hard a s a rock. (something like this minus the stitches)
He was peeing and his labs looked good, so I didn't think he was bleeding out on the inside...just needed to take a crap....but didn't want to listen to me. Just whined and complained about the stomach pain. I finally had to tell him, at 4 am, " get up and WALK!!! you have 2 legs..quit pushing that morphine button, drink some water and walk...fart...take a shit...I swear it will change your world right now." he grumbled and got up.

Last patient: transfer....my first Telemetry (Heart monitor) patient. He was going through alcohol withdrawal, had Hunnington's (which makes you shake), and sinus dysrythmias (crazy ass heart beat), . Oh yeah...and explosive diarrhea. yep...

they barf,shit, shake and see things...funny while in college and you can dump them on a doorstep somewhere...not so funny when they are your responsibility.

so while my charge nurse and the 4 other nurses had 2-4 patients...I had 5-6...I'm not even an RN...i'm an LPN...working as an RN.

whatever. at one point I heard the charge nurse say(under her breath), "she is driving me crazy running around like that." Boy howdee...I swung around on my heels and said, "You know what?..I apologize to YOU if I am bothering you....but I am a new nurse. I am busy...and I like to make sure my patients stay alive on my shift." She came and apologized later. I knew she was embarrassed that I heard her...but oh well. This new nurse is not going to be eaten by her own kind.

I am here to learn, laugh and like I said keep my patients alive...for a mere 12 hours...thats the rule....

then i go home and drink.

thanks for listening to my new nurse diatribe...

Would I be laughed off the floor?

I would so buy this if it came in a different color than white, beige would be fine...maybe I'll buy it anyways. Can you imagine what my fellow RN's would say if I showd up to work wearing this and some crazy ass tights? I imagine if you are Mormon and a nurse you would wear something like this ? Correct? I think it's hot!....
just look at it, I'm serious. If more RN's still had to wear the dress...there would be less weight problems in the field .

The Office/Hen House

My work is so stupid...wait, let me rephrase that, the PEOPLE at my work are so stupid.
Today we have a departmental meeting which is mandatory to discuss workplace friendliness.

REALLY? please.
Don't talk friendly with me...I am the most down to Earth, tell it like it is, friendly person here.

It's literally like living in an episode of "The Office".
There is an area downstairs where they do pre-registration phone calls. I call it the Hen House.
New people who get hired for that position, never stay down there. There is no light, the women are either crazy or go crazy from working down there, and they appear to turn into weird rotting shells of people.

Today for the meeting we must enter that Hen House and try to figure out what happens to grown adults once they start working in that room. They can't get along, they bicker between them selves, and they basically stop doing anything to help anyone.

They have survived down there for a long time without any intervention, but last month we hired a new person who spent one week down there, came back up stairs and went straight to the supervisor and said, "What the hell is wrong with those people down there?"

I about fell out of my chair. Bwahahahahahahaha

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

The new person looked at me and stated, "They told me you were a Bitch...."

What ? ME!? whatever...you will soon see the light, or not, since you are stuck down with the smock wearing, comfortable shoe wearing, ergonomically seated, fat-rearended clucking group of 40-50 somethings that can't play well with others.

So, Friday when I was out, some poopie hit the fan, someone started crying (that person is 52 years old), the new person left a note on my desk that said , "you are NOT the Bitch...I figured out who is." and now there is a mandatory meeting.
Ha...
That same new person asked me as I passed her in the hall this morning, "Should I take the high road at the meeting, or say my mind?"
I smiled and said..."the High Road is an easier walk."

But I secretly hope she speaks her mind.
Bitch.