Judgey Judgey...Just love the way ya do...

Just be happy

So many things to be happy for

See this? 

Yeah those jerks in the picture with me?

They are happy...

The bald one in the middle (alopecia...go back and read) has no real reason to smile like that, yet he does.

He is part of my inspiration to be this person for him

Loving him through trauma was so difficult as a parent.

To love, fear, protect, and try to stay strong was fucking hard!

But look, 

He is still very much alive, and smiling.

The other one?  

Olive Bijie.

Together we are tackling teen years; her learning that boys want to touch your boobs, regardless of age, and how to traverse nicely through divorce and still smile.

She keeps my emotions in check and by that I mean:

She pisses me off, she makes me laugh, she films me way too much for Tik Tok and Snapchat and I have learned to be beautiful for her....

even when I look in the mirror and see ugly.

She sees beautiful.

I want the people I love and even the ones that I am not super fond of right now to see the beauty in love.

We are strong and love comes in so many different forms.

Do we need to question the way one person loves, feels love, or finds love against another?

I don't really think so.

If something makes you happy or feel loved or beautiful 

do it.

fuck it.

Some people like S&M,

some people like holding hands...

Some people like 3 or 4 people and some people like animals 

(although I may have to frown upon doing stuff with animals ,,, not sure they can consent)

But what I am saying is what makes you happy and beautiful should be ok.

and accepted.

They said Bubba should not be in love again....

it hasn't even been 6 months since his girlfriend died.

but who the hell wrote that rule?

Why does he have to hide and pretend he isn't in love with someone?

He is in love...

and it's ok.

love is awesome.

That girl...Olive Bijie.

She is in love every day...

until one such love tries to touch her boob or hold her hand.

She's almost 16 and not ready for that kind of love....

and that's ok, too

I told her...

"they will be there when you are ready"

How will I know when I am ready, Mom?

"because you won't mind when they touch your boob

....simple as that....

you might even want them to"

Gross, Mom...not gonna happen.

yes, yes it will.

So for everyone reading.

lets love more and fight less

let's give some money to the guy on the corner...

just because he loves booze doesn't mean you can't give him a boost.

Let's connect with old friends 

Lets understand that just living a life isn't really living....

until you start loving.

and if you are in a situation where you have no love...

fucking change that shit.

because we all deserve it.

and maybe let someone hold your hand and or touch your boob once in a while.

seriously.

lighten up.

quit being so damn judgey judgey.

and PS:

write ya later,

m

now go hug someone

yo...heeeyyy. 2020

because it is the day 1 of the new year....

I could feasibly start 365 days.  

ya know...the better countdown.  

 I always find it difficult starting in the middle of the year.

so lets start here 

Hiked Mount Sanitas and saw these prefect pinecones.

It was a beautiful day, temp was above 37 and the sun shining. 

It helped clear my mind.

New Year New You...

I believe this may be a bit of bullshit, yet I still often buy in.

I want change. I want to be a better version of me....

and sometimes for me I need to set goals.

Ya know...

a vision board.

This year I have been doing some life changes.

the weirdest part of this is how many others feel the need to be part of my life changes.

Many who were dear friends who I now realize are not the people I had thought they were .  Im thinking they aren't the people they pretend they are either.

When people have dramatic change, such as divorce...we don't need people to start passing judgment and being dicks. Needed are friends who realize, "hey, maybe I don't know the entire story....maybe I am being a bit hypocritical....maybe I should help be supportive and just be here."

I haven't found this to be the case.

pretty funny.

People who have not a lot of wiggle room to pass judgement on a situation they will never know the closed door stories to, and really don't need to know, or better yet....should have no reason to even want to know.

It's amazing how many people are super invested in my personal life right now, but only the shit show part.

A significant person in my life states,

"this too shall pass....they will come around and love you again."

let me say something.

I am a grand person.

I love hard, I support people, even when I may not agree 100%, I can say I give more than I receive and I like it that way.

At tis point I am being asked to attend functions where I may cross paths with these wonderful people I had loved so much who have chosen to not even ask what happened....

I am to be kind and smile....

and let them come back around?

hmmm

funny thing is...

even at 50

I'm afraid I might pop one in the nose or even worse,

I'll pop off at the mouth.

I don't think I want them in my life....

even if they do "come around"

is it worth it.

and what the hell keeps me from yelling all the shit I know...?

about my situation, which hasn't been stated....and about all these hypocrites who feel they are way more righteous than me?

I bite my tongue everyday.

funny thing is....

I am just sitting here.

living.

smiling....

working....

waiting....

I refuse to let this take over my life.

as a good man said to me

" the best revenge is living a happy life"

I'm trying.

new year new me?

well it's day 1

let's see how this red carpet unrolls.

and yes....

Karma is a bitch...

her and I are friends....

we are quite familiar....

my karma received will be worth every stress given into it.

xo,

write ya later

m

Day 247: Keep On Truckin

Day 247

Sweet Foxxy Brown 

The View 

Lovely

this is what I try to replay over and over again.

Keep on Truckin

remember :

to eat real food.

don't stay at work just so you have a place to be

get dressed (have not been successful)

run/exercise 

neither vodka or watermelon constitute as a meal

be kind and don't resort to mean words

heart open even when sad

get out and do things alone

it's ok

and let your friends help you

I'm looking at apartments Friday

he has asked me to go to parallel counseling and I feel like I must, because he may need it.

and if I can help him feel better about everything then I can just worry about myself.

They always say to not send people out with more baggage than when they arrived.

I think I have added wasted years and exorbanant baggage to his person.

I never meant to

I know in the back of my mind it will be ok, either way it turns out.

I also realize that I may not be capable of safely loving again.

self worth, 

body image, 

and

the words that have been said to me the last month have made me see myself from the other's perspective and I realized that I carry some pretty shitty traits.

so, 

keep on truckin

xo,

write ya later,

m

365 days: day 217 Undie drawer update and DIY Bracelet Organizer

Days are getting pretty swanky around here

underwear drawer is looking good

so, I couldn't just ignore the socks

or the bracelets ( this is brilliant)

I highly recommend doing this, I should have done it years ago.

I got these organizer things on Amazon

closet underwear organizer

came the next day so that I didn't lose my will or want and blammo...Undwear organized like a grownup.

Panties have a living space and every pair is open to fair use.

same with the socks.

remember, if you do this, make sure you get rid of the gross underwear too....and socks.

After I cleaned those 2 drawers I thought, "well hell...let's do something with the jewelry."

I wanted something to hang my bracelets on ( I love bracelets!)

I looked on amazon and Pinterest and really could not find anything which looked semi modern and was not killer $$

Then....I saw something...I said, I know what that is!  

A CUP HOLDER!!! 

So, I went to Target and got a coffee cup hanger thingy and it worked perfect. 16$, light wood and marble base for my rings.

woop woop.

Please see above.

genius 

I ordered this thing for my necklaces and earrings 

we will see.

I feel a bit relieved.  

I have been donating and ditching things for downsizing.

better to be prepared

Now y'all get to organizing that undies drawer.

you can thank me later

off to admire my panties

xo,

m

Day 210: Selfies My Way

Day 210

green smoothie wreck

7/29/19

Green Smoothie: Spinach, (blah), green apple, strawberry, put butter, banana, whey protein powder, water....blend, chia seeds.

meal complete, sans chewing...

perfect for my nonchalant, sick of chewing attitude.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to take nice candid shots of me...ya know, just so when I'm missing they will find me...

If you were to look on B's social media or phone, or picture history you will find no mention (in pictures) of me.  There are many many pictures of Olive, of himself...his car, his guitars, amps....motorcycles....dog....

not me.

I asked him about this and he said his social media is for work.

Hmmm...ok. are tacos work?

What I believe to be true is that I am slightly under par according to him.

so we will leave it at that.

In return I take many of my own happy selfies...

the best being the "I don't care after workout/ run" selfies

 and leg and feet selfies ( because they are always cute).

They go lots and lots of places.

I have even contemplated a picture book of all the travels and countries I have photoed my feet.

not for anyone...just me....dont worry I won't be gifting those.

candid photos are a luxury because you have to have someone who sees something and who has the care to take a picture.

I take a ton of pictures and my favorites are the ones I take of my friends just being.

They hate it until I send them later.  

I often see them used as profile pics and such which makes me happy.

I'm careful to never post an unflattering picture because I feel that is a bit of a bummer and happens quite often when I'm looking at random shots on media.

capturing people in their form is a beautiful loving thing.

here are a few that make me smile.

 Kris ....old lady cartwheels....yes she was drinking

we call her Betty, and she is always smiling and gives the best hugs.

Photo ops....It wasn't my op, but I took advantage

This kid was funny...dog dish reinvented....

the Litas...I took this, they use it all the time...I'm not in it

my sweet work wife, Heather....ready for radiation

Pictures ....

Don't hate me for snapping so many, If I love you.....

I have pictures.

snap ya later,

m

365 days: Day 185 Punta Cana ...relaxed and washed out

DAY 185

Higuey, DR

 Something about the colors makes me happy

she smiled for a minute...ziplineing

Yes,  I booked a trip to Punta Cana DR when people are dying there. So what?  I like an adventure and a good deal.

Stayed at Barcelo Palace on Bavaro Beach and for all inclusive resort it was fine.

No one died, and I feel semi relaxed.

beaches were white and warm,

People were friendly 

I relaxed....

what more can I say........

except.....

I'm a dumbass for thinking it would be different.

Will I ever learn?

It really is time to move on...

really

(Look at that dumbasses sweet face)

vacationing with me is an adventure...

If you want it to be.

I enjoy trying stuff...

I tried almost every bite of food put in front of me...yes even meat, because when you don't speak the language it is important to not be rude....although a few locals helped with which meals traditionally did not have meat.

I like to do things....but I also like other people to take the lead, so if you are not strong enough to take the lead and decide what you would like to do, you will either be doing what I want to do, or nothing at all. 

If you decide things at the last minute while in a 3rd world country...it most likely won't happen because things need a bit of planning.

Something I discovered which was quite nice and new to me...

separate beds.  I slept like a baby.  Not my ideal sleeping arrangement when traveling with a person I am in love with, but....

situation was just dandy with the double beds. 

If you aren't having relations, kissing, touching....no need to be in my space.

I realized I find dark skinned DR men with light eyes, extremely attractive.

I was thankful I did not have the opportunity to really explore as much as I wanted to. ( wink wink)

If you sleep through half the vacation...

you are going to miss out, not my problem....

I can sleep at home...

I like to dance...and gamble occasionally

these things should happen while on vacation.

I cannot wait to meet someone who likes to take a bit of the lead...

I'm not saying all the lead, just someone who steps up, can make a reservation, can get a taxi in a different country, will carry the money and tip, and can try new things.

can't wait.

I posted a pic of me in my bikini, because I do wear a bikini and don't really care if I have a fat belly one day...

mostly I care because I don't find myself attractive looks wise.  My body is ok, but lately I feel washed out, old and pretty ugly.

(honestly though, I am all those things hahaha)

but it doesn't make me happy looking at pictures.

I am back home, getting mentally prepared for work and what comes next.

life is grand

write ya later

m

365 days : I run so you don't have to

you are welcome...

Today I ran so you don't have to.

I would like you to know we did NOT run far, so don't worry

Foxxy and I ran 2. 2 miles 

Then she gave up...

Looked at me as if the heat was going to be the death of her....

I looked at her and said, 

"Don't worry, I gotta poop....so we are both done"

She panted home the last mile and I concentrated on not having to go poo.

It's a runners thing.

maybe it's just my thing.

Anyways, I did minimal thinking on my run, which was nice.

A couple of times I thought...

wow, my legs feel pretty good and I'm gonna chalk that up to doing nothing for the past week or so.

I'm calling it my recovery drink and eat week....

and scroll through Instagram and then feel shitty for doing nothing all week, week.

pretty much a good week in my book.

As you can see from my picture I am carb loading for the mere fact I can.  

This was the first time in a while I looked at myself in the mirror and thought

you look good.

you are in a good spot.  

Looks good on you 

50 is good

....

well, don't look at that part, ignore that part....

and ignore that toenail that fell off from running yesterday

but everything else....

good job, lady

Sometimes, a good break from everything really pays off

I noticed it has made the house feel better.

Me, just doing what I want and not fretting.

the vibe is good.

did you hear that?

I gotta good vibe goin on.

2 days from now I will be relaxing in my bikini, giving an additional zero fucks, wishing I could tan, as I slather on the 50 block...

Wishing I could hold my liquor better,

and wishing I looked more put together....

but all that....

that is NOTHING.

Lately,

Ive literally been rocking this shit.

so, go relax...

I all ready ran, 

If ya wanna carb load, go ahead,

because we good 

xo,

write ya later

365 days :maybe it's not generational.... day 177

Day:177

today this girl went to her first job.  

That's Tripp in the background, one of the owners of Tortugas in Longmont.

They needed a dishwasher and this  freshly turned 15 year old said ," I am in".

We , well most of us, have worked a labor job at some point in our life.  

I have done them all. 

Growing up in the tourist town of Destin, Florida I worked mainly kitchen....because that is where the work was. It was hard, sweaty, work....but I met some of the most amazing people ever in the kitchens.  I learned about work ethic, food, cleanliness, teamwork, anger management and love in those kitchens. 

Everyone should work in the kitchen at some point. 

True fact... 

washing dishes teaches you respect and understanding of service industry and teaches you what the low man on the totem pole really is.

This girl, Olive Bijie, showed up, having never worked a real job let alone operate a dish machine, busted her ass, and made it through a busy Saturday night .... 

I am proud of her.

Before she went in we talked to her about work ethic and how she is strong  and sassy (which is requirement #1 of kitchen work)

and she is not a quitter.

just so you know....

I thought she would be crying when I picked her up.

but NO....

she was standing there tired, but smiling, with a togo box of high end food and the owners saying 

"she did great...it was so busy.... we want her back if she will have us"

her response....

" I like money...I'll be back"

We say this generation and the last are lazy...don't want to work, want to start at the top and never do manual labor....but here I have a 15 year old girl, who is baby sitting, dog watching, and now working washing dishes.....

so maybe it's not generational...

maybe it's the upbringing?

I'm a really proud mom right now.

She exceeded my expectations and did it...

 and I hope she excels at it.

even if it is dishwashing

because if you are going to do a job...

do your best,

whether it is washing dishes or brain surgery

do your best.

do your fucking best

xo,

write ya later 

m

365 Days : Come Sail Away

FOMO

Fear of Missing Out

Sums me up.

Although this is a weird picture of my otherwise usually adorable ass, I was not missing out on this day.

Days like this are good good days.

see ya at the lake,

m

365 days : day 167, today is the day...

day 167

I deleted all old texts and let it go.

Friendships come and go and like they say, 

you shouldn't fight for friendships or love.

Hard as it is, because I looked at these texts often when my heart was /is heavy to remind myself I am beautiful, smart, loving and that others can see that.

I also read them to remind myself that 

my issues weigh my soul down, yet I have the ability to change.

These talks and texts have taught me to move forward, instead of fear change 

In the last year I have learned a lot about myself and continue to move forward in my plans to better myself and life for me.

It will forever break my heart to not communicate with someone I took a chance and opened myself up to...but that is part of life. He knows where I am and how to let me know he is there if anything is needed.

I am thankful

So silly, but a spot is here....waiting, and if able, I would be right there....

for whatever

Clear a space I must....

strong girl....

write ya later,

and ps.

I love you very much and if you ever need anything... 

talk? laugh? bowling? car trip?

I'm here

may you find what makes you happy and safe

xoxo,

m

365 days: Don't Margarita and Text

Taco Tuesday was....well Tuesday.

I went to Jefes and had tacos.....and apparently 3 champagne margaritas.  

yup...3, with sugared rim.  I'm going to tell you they were divine.

I am also going to tell you that anyone who knows me, knows I am not supposed to drink margaritas or tequila....

unless on vacation, in another state...or preferably, country.

I do bad things on tequila.

I used to fight....

really fight.   

I'd be fun on minute and before you know it I was on someone's back pulling their hair out.

( I believe this stems from having too many brothers and from being a redhead / bartender at the time)

So....tequila was always my drink of choice after bartending in Atlanta....It made my little 5' self indestructable.

(fight club)

This is how I imagined myself, but the badass female version...

My friends, who were mostly guys would laugh and yell, 

"watch out....the little vixen has been drinking the Tequila and unless ya wanna fight....be nice".

(romper stomper)

Pretty sure this is how I looked ....

with all my friends standing behind me

Pipsqueak...that's what I was

(ps if you haven't seen those 2 movies...you should)

Anyways , today....I thought it was Wednesday, ALL DAY....

Because apparently 3 margaritas made me lose an entire day. 

Just so you know....I did work the day after and today, so in all logical terms I should have just done the math....but I guess I was so tired (aka as hung over) I lost the day. 

As I finished my shift in the Operating Room I said,

"I'm so tired I can't believe it is only Wednesday "

Gio...anesthesia Dr. looked at me and said, "What , you guys aren't off tomorrow?" ( not really listening to me)

I said, "why the heck would we be off on Thursday....it's our busiest day"

"yeah...today was Hella busy...tomorrow is Friday, little lady"

What?What! 

I was so happy I thought I was gonna have to kiss him on the lips...but 

1. realized it would not be appropriate or sterile

2. I barely know him

3. he already thinks I'm nuts...so no no kissing for joy...we will save that for next month

My night of 3 margaritas went something as follows.

Tacos....mmmmm

ok, did you just say Champagne Margaritas are a special drink today?  

I'm in...I'll have just one.

(this got a sideways slightly angry look from B)

Just one...sheesh

slurrrrrp.

B, to bathroom....

"psssst, hey...yes please...i'll have another"

then I took a few pictures of how delightful it was ...

then decided it would be proper time to bring up all the reasons I might need a divorce, in my head....

then ordered one more just for shit's sake....

then went to the bathroom because, well you know....but also because Jefe's has the best music in the bathroom...which that night as I peed was "de La Soul"

and as I sat there....enjoying the tunes....I texted someone who I should not have texted whilst drinking tequila ...or ever, knowing quite clear in my head he does not want to hear from me...but with the 3rd tequila running through my veins...

I thought, "he's my friend...it's De La Soul in the bathroom!!!!....it's awesome and he would appreciate"....

text sent....

realize text is sent....

think about crying, because, you know ...tequila...and lost love....and I was happy 2 minutes ago, now I'm sad a bit, and thinking about stuff....but mostly I'm just mad I sent the fucking text....

"For Fucks sake....stupid Margaritas!"

the girl in the next stall says

"yeah...stupid taco Tuesday!"

and I say..."but De La Soul is awesome"

then I wipe, wash and mope out to the bar.

Ok, B...let's go...

On the way home...Tequila had me open the gates of discussion 

"hey, how do YOU feel about this roommate thing we have going on?"

Blank stare...B:"why are you even starting this right now?'

I don't fucking know...."tequila?maybe?"

shhhhhh M......shhhhhhhhhhh

make it home with mouth shut

no Fight Club tonight.

Got home and decided to walk the dog so that I didn't get all Romper Stomper.

so I walked and got a few texts from friends who always seem to text at perfect times.  

I drunkenly sent texts of the golf course...

where I got a funny text back that said..."I would love to play golf poorly there with you, my friend...and I'll let ya drink tequila and fight."

and another from a girlfriend that said , "well...did ya send nekkid pics out?"

I said ...."hmmm well not yet but it is only 9:15"...

ok you got my number. :))

so...Tequila....or champagne margaritas....you got me good.  

I lost a day.

I sent a text to an old lover...

and I sent some texts to some just plain loves....

I won some and lost one...well 2...because I lost a day also.

but ...

guess what , tomorrow is Friday. and it only gets better and maybe without the help of damn tequila...

it will be all right.

write ya later,

from the Tequila Texting Fight Club Team

m

Me, Myself and I.....boom

Advice:The Good the Bad and the Ugly

Me....

The Good, the Bad , and the oh so Ugly

But wait....

don't run away, I'm trying to fix it...

well, to fix what I can....To adjust and try to 

"clean up my side of the street"

mike kloepfer

"is this a midlife crisis?...seriously?"

Well, M, for women, 50 is the middle and you are having a crisis, so to me...this is the exact definition of midlife crisis.

"Thank God I'm not paying for this therapy... hahaha"

I'm here to help.

M, let's talk about it.  As I hear you, you are not in crisis mode, but you are in a change mode. This we can deal with rationally and , as you like, in steps.

I like it.  

No crisis, bo panic....just one step at a time.

So, as we discussed my current situation as it had fallen the past couple of weeks I was in a more stable situation.  Head has cleared a bit, my panic for my son has settled into just an underlying fear and I am back out into my habitat of doing....

I got a trainer at the gym

Rode the motorcycle

Read

Went out without crying

and had time to be 

Therapist was good with all that

So, we got back at the task at hand. What do I do? Is it as terrible as my mind is having me think....?

Do I just need to re-evaluate and come at things at a different angle, do I accept these things?

Or do I plan a change...

change?....change....

M, you cannot change him...he is not here and I do not care for couples therapy.

What do you think about  for your near future?

"I think that I am getting old. Things are not horrible, I don't mind the roommate aspect because I have some ambient noise that keeps me calm....but I need more intimacy, connection and support."

(to keep this post short...here was the discussion and tasks)

" I want to accept my role in life, my mistakes, my personality and my things I honestly want to change....I don't want to change anyone...I'm learning, that is not my job in this life."

The session was quite eyeopening and helpful.  Just as I cannot read other's minds , they cannot read mine.  As I type this little bit of knowledge I am doing in so to laugh a bit and own it.

1. Please and thank you..."it's manners"

It is ridiculous that I think my friends know I mean "please and thank you"...everyone likes to be graciously acknowledged and that includes me, so I need to start realizing my bossy ass must do this.

I know I am bossy so I am going to try to tame that shit down too.

In terms of bossy....we discussed how growng up with 8 older brothers and 3 older sisters and a Mom who raised strong opinionated kids, I was expected to say what I needed and what I wanted.

Knowing where this comes from, maybe I can stop it.  You don't have to be bossy to be assertive. BOOM... knowledge

 2. Intimacy starts with conversation 

Conversation...??

Use open ended questions and ....here it is, the game changer for me....

open ended and then shut the fuck up.

Sir, I'm not sure....nervous I suppose....

3. Let's get your side of the street clean.

This THIS this right here....

Three years and O will be on her own numerically.  

"But I can't wait that long..."

M, it may take you that long to get your side of the street clean.  When you walk away you do not want to be dragging a trash bag with you.  You want to know your side was clean and that you looked it all over and did what you could to make it tidy and ok for the next person. 

You cannot clean the other side, that is for the other person.

So, I have my little poker stick and bag, and I'm wandering back and forth....picking up my mistakes and bullshit. Talking to people and saying , "hey correct me gently when I do that , ok? I want to be a better person and it's gonna take some work."

The last bit of time was talking about my heart. 

What do I see? Who do I see? What do I want?

We discussed my need for closeness, intimacy and touch.

She validated that.  

THAT, M is a real thing, that is NOT asking for too much, and honestly I cannot say I would put up with as much as you have, or lack of.

"But what do I do?"

Keep cleaning, we talked about the people in your life, your loves, your friends. Your needs are justifiable, maybe you try and discuss it.

"I cannot, it causes a fight, makes me feel small, makes me feel gross, makes me feel unwanted, makes me feel pointless"

M, there are people, from what I can tell, who are waiting for you. Have the discussion. It's not crisis, it is life...and life is not meant for guilt, it is to be enjoyed in whatever manner you have decided is for you....

Andrew Petcher

I have homework this week 

I sweep, I write the letters, I manage my tone and my heart....

and see what happens.

Write ya later,

m

ps:

I miss you