a few weeks ago

 a few weeks ago I was really struggling, really struggling.

I had a day at work where I was called to HR for a good reprimanding.  It's not uncommon for me to get called into the office for speaking my mind.  I am a charge nurse...and if you aren't familiar it is a low paid leader.  A leader of the people(nurses etc) who save your life , I make the schedule and do everything no one higher up wants to do...with no extra pay.  If you are a nurse long enough in an area it is inevitable that you will be moved into a charge position.  Something that I have avoided up until late.  I am a leader by nature, but I am not a role model.  I can educate people and preceptor, but I am not an ass kisser and never will be. I am unable to follow rules consistently, especially if I think they are asinine.  I am able to follow policy, but not made up rules by people who have no idea what the hell is going on in the real world.  And if you do not understand that last statement, then really think about some of the shit they come up with at work that is not policy....ie: only 1 ream of paper at the desk, no drinks etc at the computer, no listening to headphones ( even if you work independently on a computer in the basement).  I just can't buy in.  Policy yes, rules no.  

Besides this, I had been called to the office, once again, for a snarky attitude and standing up to a new Doctor who came into our operating room and wanted to change the way we do things for his benefit and I called him out on it.  But honestly, this is not the issue.  I knew I would get called in.  Nurse vs Doctor....never going to win unless it is a critical situation and 98% the nurse has better skill than the education of the Dr.   But this wasn't the case that day. I said what I said and stood by it, not backing down and 3 days later got a call to the pretend HR department.   **** HR:  the lady who does payroll is also HR, she hates everyone and you cannot go to her for anything because she is part of everything.  It is so biased that I'm not even sure how they can even legally call it HR.

I took my lashes and left. grumbling under my breath , wondering why I stay, why I put up with a place that does not appreciate my work ethic, skill, humor, and even snark.  But the big part came as I drove home.

I had no one to call.  My rock, Sissy, is gone.  She was the one I spoke to every single day on my 45 minute drive home.   A check in call, a "hey, whatcha doin?" call.   But, she is gone.  then I realized I have no one,  Not a single person I would call to tell my shit to.  Not my friends , not my other half, no one.  She was my burden carrier. 

As I thought about this.....

 my heart sank dark.  I have always been a person to have many friends.  And I do.  So many, but not a single person I would tell my heart ache to. Zero.  I drove home weeping and snortling with self pity.  I have felt this before but this came over me like a heavy weighted blanket.  

Why am I here?

Why do I go to a job that hates me?

why do I continue to move forward?  what.  ??  to make some money, pay bills and encourage others to be happy?   all while I want to die?

I was so heavy with burden I went home and thought that my life , as valuable as I know it is, because it is LIFE.....life  , at that moment, carried no value to me at all. 

I picked up the phone and put it down, I started to text a few people, but erased it .  I cried, I thought about life in the future with out my sis. without a person to talk to, without that friend , or really any friend who knows everything about me .  I thought about death. 

i thought about death

How I know I need help with the burdens I carry.  It has become too heavy for me.  

How I wanted someone right then to not say a word but encase me in their arms and say, "You are strong, I am here" yes

that is what i need, needed   safety

I got through it.  I sat and thought about the people I love and my kids.   It was strong enough this time to keep me safe.

I didn't have a plan, but I did have a vision of what it would be like to not carry the pain.

i made a note to myself

"please get help"    

xo,

m

scared.........shitless just make dinner

(personal)

Tell me........

 is this a sign.  is this what I need to hear

the few days we spend 24/7 you are .....

well....

Maybe you?

swat my hand 

"get out of here, myssi"

"Do what you do"

unfortunately ,I have no where real to go ....

maybe that is the catch....

as you just said.  maybe that is the way it needs to  be....

 "I do every thing for you...."

Is that to make me feel?.....

something

or to remember how it was....

you....

cunt....

bitch....

you...you........

(just look it up..... everyone knows)

do what you do....live your best life....

 get out...

plenty of people to pick up the pieces. 

Lined up

have you once thought....

yeah

if that was what I wanted I would.

"live your best life, myssi.... go on.....I'll just hang out here"

I'm not here to fix anybody....

I'm no longer here to have anyone fix me....

I am actually good...sad ,but ok

I AM strong

but that does not mean.........

nevermind....

Keep pushing

Keep talking.....

keep.....

talking

at some point you need to listen

to 

what 

you

are

saying....

listen

have I said?

anything

all the things

you have said.

if you are scared 

shitless

then

say 

stop opening the door

for

me 

to

leave..................

I will.

xo,

m

back it up

this truck is backed up against a wall...

perfectly fitting into this tiny space

lately, 

I feel this truck

but just like when I saw this truck....

I just laugh

I wouldn't mind going back to the tree house in 

Costa Rica with this piece of work

↴

or donning my adventure shoes again.....

soon

until then 

Life is good 

or as we say,

tolerable

As public as I am I still carry many things private.

This is a big week for me

Possibly the beginning of my new life, in which I am scared to death and ready for all in one.

not really having anyone to ask or to bounce things off of....

 I find myself moving through this labyrinth alone.

No one really asks

and even if they did...

what help could they offer except for the obligatory'

"It all is going to be fine in the end"

One more day ....

Judgey Judgey...Just love the way ya do...

Just be happy

So many things to be happy for

See this? 

Yeah those jerks in the picture with me?

They are happy...

The bald one in the middle (alopecia...go back and read) has no real reason to smile like that, yet he does.

He is part of my inspiration to be this person for him

Loving him through trauma was so difficult as a parent.

To love, fear, protect, and try to stay strong was fucking hard!

But look, 

He is still very much alive, and smiling.

The other one?  

Olive Bijie.

Together we are tackling teen years; her learning that boys want to touch your boobs, regardless of age, and how to traverse nicely through divorce and still smile.

She keeps my emotions in check and by that I mean:

She pisses me off, she makes me laugh, she films me way too much for Tik Tok and Snapchat and I have learned to be beautiful for her....

even when I look in the mirror and see ugly.

She sees beautiful.

I want the people I love and even the ones that I am not super fond of right now to see the beauty in love.

We are strong and love comes in so many different forms.

Do we need to question the way one person loves, feels love, or finds love against another?

I don't really think so.

If something makes you happy or feel loved or beautiful 

do it.

fuck it.

Some people like S&M,

some people like holding hands...

Some people like 3 or 4 people and some people like animals 

(although I may have to frown upon doing stuff with animals ,,, not sure they can consent)

But what I am saying is what makes you happy and beautiful should be ok.

and accepted.

They said Bubba should not be in love again....

it hasn't even been 6 months since his girlfriend died.

but who the hell wrote that rule?

Why does he have to hide and pretend he isn't in love with someone?

He is in love...

and it's ok.

love is awesome.

That girl...Olive Bijie.

She is in love every day...

until one such love tries to touch her boob or hold her hand.

She's almost 16 and not ready for that kind of love....

and that's ok, too

I told her...

"they will be there when you are ready"

How will I know when I am ready, Mom?

"because you won't mind when they touch your boob

....simple as that....

you might even want them to"

Gross, Mom...not gonna happen.

yes, yes it will.

So for everyone reading.

lets love more and fight less

let's give some money to the guy on the corner...

just because he loves booze doesn't mean you can't give him a boost.

Let's connect with old friends 

Lets understand that just living a life isn't really living....

until you start loving.

and if you are in a situation where you have no love...

fucking change that shit.

because we all deserve it.

and maybe let someone hold your hand and or touch your boob once in a while.

seriously.

lighten up.

quit being so damn judgey judgey.

and PS:

write ya later,

m

now go hug someone

Day 247: Keep On Truckin

Day 247

Sweet Foxxy Brown 

The View 

Lovely

this is what I try to replay over and over again.

Keep on Truckin

remember :

to eat real food.

don't stay at work just so you have a place to be

get dressed (have not been successful)

run/exercise 

neither vodka or watermelon constitute as a meal

be kind and don't resort to mean words

heart open even when sad

get out and do things alone

it's ok

and let your friends help you

I'm looking at apartments Friday

he has asked me to go to parallel counseling and I feel like I must, because he may need it.

and if I can help him feel better about everything then I can just worry about myself.

They always say to not send people out with more baggage than when they arrived.

I think I have added wasted years and exorbanant baggage to his person.

I never meant to

I know in the back of my mind it will be ok, either way it turns out.

I also realize that I may not be capable of safely loving again.

self worth, 

body image, 

and

the words that have been said to me the last month have made me see myself from the other's perspective and I realized that I carry some pretty shitty traits.

so, 

keep on truckin

xo,

write ya later,

m

A boring story and piece of advice

A world far far away there was a tired tired woman. Not just physically tired, but emotionally tired...

questioning everything in her life . You will make the right decision, you always do.  You will know when the time is right? You will do the right thing.

I hear this all the time about people. "Do the right thing".

Ahhh phooey.

What is the right thing? The right thing might just be, feeling good and doing what feels good for a change. 

When you hear someone say they haven't been touched in over a year, or haven't had sex in forever, or even kissed anybody in ages....what do you think?  

I think....that fucking sucks.  

Why?  Are they yucky people? Are they unable to love? Are they crazy? Or is it that someone is manipulating them?

Sometimes you have to look at someone and say ....fuck it.  just do it.  You live your one life and it needs to be a good one and shit is not always conveniently timed. People come into your life for a reason, if it is a shitty reason, they disappear, but if it is a real reason....they stick around, they are there ....

So when someone takes your hand and touches your leg and you are questioning, maybe you should just let go a bit. 

To feel wanted is an amazing thing for everyone. 

A kiss, the dart of a tongue, a smile, the brush of fingertips and that electricity.  If it is not meant to be, you won't feel that fire. Sometimes we have to tell people to do what they wouldn't normally do to see if it is right for them. Sometimes timing sucks and sometimes we have to put away our taught morals and remember , it's our life.  Grown ups.  Live.

write ya later,

m

How Could You?...returning a shelter dog

I'm going to say it here....

because all though I do not really give a single fuck what people think about me, sometimes I piss people off and then it slides back around to the hubby or family and they do not care for my mouthy opinions....

even though they are very very used to it.

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ADOPT DOGS, OR ANY ANIMAL BECAUSE THEY "WANT A DOG" ...THEN THEY RETURN IT TO THE HUMANE SOCIETY 6 MONTHS LATER.

Sophie Gamand Photography

go read about these sweet pics and why she did Pit Bulls with Flowers

these are ususally the same people who cannot even pay their own bills or manage adult hood but feel the need to "rescue" a needy animal.  And let us be honest, most animals at the Humane Society are there for a reason.... 

they have issues...

they eat couches.... 

they have separation anxiety, etc.

SO

If you are going to go "adopt" a needy dog, you better damn well be prepared to keep it, love it, train it, and be ready for it to shit on the new carpet and eat the 600$ couch....

I have NEVER in my life returned an animal.  Have I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs from anger when my Wolf Hybrid ,Eddie, ate my 300$ boots?  Yes!

How about when the lil Siberian Husky, Foxxy Brown, pulled an entire tree in through the dog door while I was out?

Yes...But they are dogs.

I chose them...they chose me....

they count on me

and stuff is just stuff.

dog love is forever.

 Eddie and Foxxy Brown

 Foxxy Brown

Eddie

Disgust

miserable lives start within the heart.  It happens quite quickly, contrary to popular belief.  It can go from You are the most awesome greatest coolest smartest cutest I cant wait to be with you every minute of my life to, in one glance....disgust.
disgust.
You can't even find anything funny about that word.
the look shoots from the eyes in a blank, yet hateful, stare.  Amazing the eyes can tell so much.
Reminds me of dagger eyes my mom used to throw when I was young.
I have yet to perfect this glare, thank god.
I chose to never learn the glare....to change the pattern.

How hate can hold a person hostage for so long.  It eats them up inside.  Makes them grey in color....turns the hair grey.  turns the teeth grey....no light or shine emits from them any more when you look at them.  No longer can you look into their soul and see redeeming qualities....its just dark, cold, yuk....
They rot within.  Never wanting to change or attempt change.  No spark in the voice or beauty in the past, no glowing reviews for the talent they once had, and definitely no beautiful hope for the future.  Just rote, day by day.  Like clock work.   every day.
Tick Tock
Tick Tock

I wonder what it feels like, to dwell on the anger like this.  Does the brain just roll in and out of What ifs and Just waits?
To watch each season pass , each day with an angry word.  Hate...I hate this weather, I hate this place, I hate winter, I hate my job....I hate you....you disgust me.

~shivers~

It does not have to be that way.   your heart can change.   it has to have a want to change, so there may lie the problem.
Maybe you are a good person under neath it all.  You used to be.  Now no one wants to be near you...but you can change.  you can choose not to be grey.
You can break the grey, it wont be easy, but you can do it.
we can wait.   we have waited this long....
Letting go and seeing more than yourself...put yourself out there... change your day...
choose not to be an asshole.


write ya later,
m