Day 200: Just Relax and do the Pony

The days are good lately.

Finding myself is quite hysterical most of the time...

with moments pondering, sprinkled with slight reprimands from friends,

and returns to Earth moments from the Universe....but I'm hanging in there.

Day 200

Relaxing at the lake...and yes I wear a bikini

I'm slightly irritated with myself for not having kept a list of the things I wanted to do and have actually done this summer.  This is really unlike me, because I am a list maker.  Makes me feel better about how quickly my days blend together when I realize I have possibly completed a few tasks.

This past week, Sissy came and hung out with me for a staycation. Our main goal was to hit the big Hooplagers Pool Party at Wibby Brewing...

and that we did.

My poor poor liver.  I'm not sure what the deal is with those beer festival pours, but they get me messed up.

Last year, I went by myself and had a great time....This year was even more fun.

I have to say the absolute best part was the silent disco.

I love to dance, so when sissy said, "Let's go" I squealed like a piglet.

We possibly were the oldest in there, but who cares.  We are products of the 80's, knew all the dance moves and all the words and were given a "watch out'"area when Sissy started to "ride the pony"

Not familiar?

Here...

We were dying laughing, sweating, singing, spilling beer....

Note to all:

80's silent disco cannot be missed, even if you think...

"no...I don't dance, it will be embarrassing, people will stare, etc."

   Ya know what ?

Do the fucking pony and have some fun...

After the festivities, we rode ( on bikes so as not to drive) our slightly drunk, bikinied, old lady selves home and complimented each other on our dance moves and made sure to tell all our friends who said," I'm not going to a stupid pool party at the brewery with blow up pools, beer and pink flamingo floats...that's stupid" 

they missed out.

In short, the weekend staycation was great.

Only a few times did I lament on the fact I am still in a weird place....but it was easily brushed to the side with a reminder of how awesome life is.

How awesome I am...

How precious life is...

How just doing and being happy is ok....

How doing what is good for your self does NOT have to come with repercussions.

Really, you answer to no one....

except yourself.

So, as I said to me...

screw it...

do the pony, wear the bikini, laugh at yourself

and be ready when someone says...let's go.

As we get older it is harder and harder to find friends who are not stuck in the circle of what they should be doing according to friends, family, silly ideas...

Rarely do you come across the friend anymore who calls or texts and says,

"I'm coming to get you...we are going funnin' "

Don't miss out, because as I am quickly learning, tomorrow is not a guarantee....not even close.

I refuse to go down wishing I had kissed more, danced more, ate more macarones, or traveled solo...

yup

Write ya later

xo, 

m

Tonight it's you

saw this and thought....

yup.  

instead I say...

"fine, fuck you too"

This is bad etiquette.  In most realities it is known as burning bridges.

In my reality it is known as broken heart syndrome.

well, as of now anyways.  

I have people come and go in my life and that is expected. 

Dealing with the changes has been challenging.

I am going to be honest, the hardest part is questioning why they came in the first place.

Through the years I have tried to change my beliefs to a more ...

"it is what it is" and "people are kind and good, in general" way of thinking.

It is hard, even as a grown woman I question the intent of many.

Are they feeding off, and into, my insecurities?

or do they actually care?

Are they playing me?

well, even if they are...I believe that is more my situation and I really should not be blaming them.

I can just as easily cut that shit down and back as quickly as their snake tongues can dish it out....

yet, I tend not to.

It's ok...

Recently I have had a few men come into my life on the periphery. 

One is an old friend who I love very much. He loves me very much. We talk, we laugh, we live separate lives which will most likely never cross.  I believe it is okay.  I'm not sure I would be attracted to him if he was here and our friendship means a lot to me, and to risk that would be a deal breaker for me with him.   

I crossed paths with a friend of a friend and we have a great ability to laugh and joke with each other. Our sense of humor is identical and the snarky banter is great.  late night texts and funnies....propositions which will never come to fruition and encouragement.

These are the kind of people I adore.

Funny, flattering, honest, smart, and quick witted...

Wish they were closer to hang with...

but they are not.

One thing I also realized... is that when I find someone attractive, I look past many things. Good for them, but maybe not good for me.

It has taken me a while to realize, and to be able to acknowledge, that many people, not just myself, carry their own baggage...and they bring it with them, regardless of the type of relationship.

My response to this is: if you care about someone...

Continue to do so.

People evolve, change, and I like to think are on a constant path to enlightenment within self...

Jesus, I know these last few years have been that way for me.

Loving someone should not be hard, yet sometimes it really is...It is sometimes a challenge.

A past lover carried some , what I like to call, invisible baggage.

Everything seemed ok...as it always does with excitement and newness.

Laughter, friendship....love amazing sex...it was a good thing for our souls.

As the relationship continued I realized, my issues aside, this beautiful soul was carrying a much heavier set of bags than I could ever imagine. 

Past experiences, present, heartbreak, growth, illness, loneliness...

and I so wanted to help...

to be a friend, lover, and confidant.

then the realization was that I cannot fix people.

I was all ready in that situation, why do I want to take it on again or in addition too?

I think it is/was just me.

My heart broke for him...wanted him...and also wished for him....happiness.

For whatever reason, things happen, paths cross and lessons are learned and the hope is that with each lesson and relationship we learn how to evolve.

I need people in my life.

I am learning to accept the people who come in, even if it is just for their need to learn...

I am also learning that people sometimes come back around with a realization that love is an amazing thing and it is not always kittens and parties, but the lesson of life and adaptation that sometimes comes over time.

In my last therapy I was asked to think hard about life and love and to realize I am not missing out, but experiencing every day.  I am learning everyday. I am teaching myself to speak carefully but firmly and to know that I will know when the time is right.

Until then, 

people will come and go

lovers will come and go

but I will be here for myself

and if I need someone to stay

I should ask.

I do need people to stay

Please stay....

"everyone makes mistakes, let's figure out what happened and or went wrong so that it doesn't happen again in the future.  Let's learn from this mistake and let go of it so that we can move on to all the beauty which awaits us in the future."

amen sister

xo

write ya later....

m

ps. this song is for you  

p.s.s:I have less than a month to get my ass in shape for a bikini and beach, future posts will be about my distress of this situation, plentiful of humor and self doubt and pictures of an attempt to put this into a bikini

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you

Time's not sleeping and time won't lose

You can't win 'cause time can't lose

So stop (so stop) what you're doin'

Start on something new

Don't (no don't) don't be hypnotized

Don't start thinkin' with your eyes

Why you mean that much to me

(You don't know) What it feels like lovin' you

(We all know) A change is good for you

(That's all right) Gotta do what you gotta do

Anyway

All I want is a place in your heart to fall into

All I need is someone to love

And tonight it's you, tonight it's you.

Tonight it's you

bruised boobie...should have bought a lottery ticket

So, they did call Friday afternoon and said my Biopsy was benign!  woop wool...celebrate.
I celebrated the life of my boob all weekend as silly as that seems.

Happy day.
I could get on with my life.
Everything from the past month just sped right up in fast motion and I felt over whelmed with everything I had thrown to the side with my distress.

I gardened, I cleaned up the yard.  I cleaned the laundry room.  I cleaned the cabinets and actually bought groceries for the family.
Ready to take on life...planning my vacations and starting to work out again/

Went back to work on Monday without a care in the world.


I recieved a phone call at about 10 am Monday morning and my gynecologist left a vm stating she would like to go over my biopsy.  Ok....I all ready got the answer from my primary dr so I wanst too worried.
I went into the break room and gave her a call.

"your biopsy of the calcifications showed nothing to worry about right now.  you have fibrocystic breasts which are very common at your age (my age being 45).....however, the Radiologist called me this morning and said after reviewing the pathology,  the cells around your biopsy site were concerning.  they have Hyperplastic Cell Growth of the Lobules and we would like to refer you to a cancer breast surgeon specialist.  "

wtf?
really?

she goes on to say: "  of biopsies done, only 37% come back malignant ( i see a problem here), of all the biopsies, only 4% come back with hyperplastic cell growth( which I made it to the 4%)...of that 4% only 25% show cancer upon further exams....and within about 10 years about 90% of those 4% develop breast cancer and some point....so, we feel like you should get it examined further to be safe, you are young and have kids....in 10 years you will still be young"

Really?  Maybe I should have bought a l;ottery ticket too.

this is the side of my breast. they went in at the 9 oclock position and this is the hematoma 1 week later after biopsy one

so my decisions now is if I want to continue down this path?  Do I just let it be for a while and see what happens.  I know for a fact I will not get mammos every 3 months just to torture myself.  I also will not be getting biopsies over and over again.  Its a proven fact every time they stick that needle into something potentially cancerous and drag it through the healthy cells you are causing damage.
hmmmm

anyone out there have this experience?  I know there are people.  any Cancer RNs or doctors or radiologists who would like to just say what they have seen or experienced.

with that said I am going to run today.  I am going to do some squats and pull ups.  i have 3 months until summer....and like the dr said,   Im still young...

write ya later,
m

Waterworld vs Alopecia

So we went to Water World last week… It was Aok….except for all the dirty feet, bandaids, and gross shared inner tubes.  

Olive learned to swim at Aunt Kandy's so of course she thought she was invincible.   Crazy!  Kris and I chose some crazy slide to start with since Olive had never been down a water slide….

I said, "I'll go first"

Big dummy!

They said cross your arms and legs, which I thought a good idea that way my boobs wouldn't come flying loose and scare the kids…as I started down the slide I really thought, "Not bad".  Then off I flew, Pitch black, water up the nose, wedgie up the cootch and lord I couldn't think or breathe…well, I did think…"Shit! Olive is right behind me and she hasn't ever done anything like this in her 8 years of life!"   with that last thought streaming through my mind I came shooting out of the tube of darkness into 8 feet of water!!!   I rearranged my lady parts and swam to the side, just in time to see Olive shooting like a marble down the death chute into the deep water.  I yelled "swim!, swim!"  (like that is going to help)  She gasped and dog paddled with a look of hatred on her face to the edge of the pool where I yanked her up by one arm and congratulated her on her very first slide.  Some nice parents on the side lines clapped and yell "Awesome landing".   If it wasn't for that, she would have yelled then punched me.  Moments later H came sliding out of the hole laughing and squealing.  (of course, she is a tough one).  We all got our suits in order and out shoots Kris.  Gasping but smiling, she comes to the edge, "Wow, that scared me!  I can't believe the girls did it!"  As the girls ran off to find the next tube of hell to go down Kris and I looked at each other with relief, "it really was scary wasn't it?"  "yeah, all I could think about was how scared the girls were gonna be".  "Me Too!!!!"  " Well, that's out of the way…"

We were at the park all day.  We stood in line after line.  Ilin and A were going to every crazy ride possible then we would some how meet up with them to go on the big 4 person inner tube rides.  

Ilin went hatless.   It was really amazing.  He and A didn't even seem to care or notice anything.  I kept quite and tried to be encouraging.  As Kris and I walked our tubes up to a starting point…she leaned over and said, have you noticed the people staring?  Yeah…I noticed.  But Ilin doesn't seem to notice.  She says to me, "It's really pissing me off"  I guess it kind of goes with the territory.  I mean his head looks crazy, but you can tell he didn't really plan it that way.  It's mostly kids, but let me tell you what breaks my heart.  A lot of teen girls were pointing and laughing.  I can't think about that.  One thing I can think about is…who doesn't teach their kids to be polite.  You wouldn't really laugh and point at a little kid who had cancer.  well, hell, maybe they would.

Whatever the case.  He did it…he went to the water park…sans the hat.

Here are our monthly Alopecia head updates

You can see where it is totally bald. (no hair follicles left)

The sides and his neck and that top part are totally smooth

 People say just shave it…but you can REALLY see the bald spots when he does.

The way it has grown right now, he can do this awesome

Donald Trump comb over, and thank goodness he is pretty tall because most people can't see the top of his head.

He has lost almost all the hair on his arms and legs.

Eyelashes and eyebrows still intact.

This school year is going to be interesting.

One last good thing.

I found a young girl via my readers of this blog to friend him on Facebook.

I think it really helped.  He came down and told me…"She lost her hair just like me…and she is doing ok."  I hope they continue to talk.

and…if she is reading this….

Thank you, xoxoxox

m

Summer in Colorado

It"s here.  Not quite so hot you can't do anything but still hot enough that excertion at mid day will melt you.

Longmont, Colorado sits right at the base of the foothills so we often have a nice warm breeze.  This time of year brings the everyday 30% showers, which I love.

We have made a deal with each other and Kris B and family that we  WILL attempt to enoy our surroundings this summer.  

Hike once a week

Bike instead of drive

use all the patios in town and at our houses

and camp.

This was our first week of summer  

xo

Schools Out (almost) a few hints

As a kid I couldn't wait until summer.

As an adult, I dread it!  They are home, invading my nap time, and the general Yin and Yang of things.  One of the main things- they eat you out of the house.  Kids, given ample meandering time, will ingest the weight of a small human in snacks and crap they would never usually eat.  

There are a few things you can do to help.  Lock them up, lock the food up, or shop wisely.

I tend to start least resistant first...ie:  shop wisely.

I start shopping for summer stuff about 3 weeks before school is out...STOCKPILE and hide...this is my best advice...unless you are made of money and don't care and if that was the case you would have stopped reading all ready.

I do clip coupons from the Sunday paper.  Remember, get the inserts from friends if they don't use them.  if you have 3 of the same inserts, that is fine, because you will have extra coups.  One of my mottos with coupons though, is when it becomes too much work, forget it.

One of the big no-nos is DON'T BUY STUFF YOU WOULDN'T NORMALLY BUY.

If you don't usually drink Minute Maid, don't just buy it because you have a coupon.  Whatever you usually drink is probably cheaper.  Save the coupon until it is really on sale, then use it.  The coupons posted in the sunday paper will never get you the best deal that week, gotta save them for about 2.5 weeks.  You will figure it out.

I start buying snacks 3 weeks out....because man, kids can eat some snacks, and when they bring friends over...they eat more snacks than cookie monster.

Here's an example:

Today at KingSoopers.   I was shopping, and when I got to the the bakery section where they put out the day olds and the scratch and dents I found:

Raspberry filled crumpets marked down to 1.48 from 3.50 (bought em)

Quaker oats Brown Sugar Cereal  1.89 from 4.29 (bought 3 boxes)

Rice Krispies and cocao Krispies marked down to 1.89 and I had a coupon -1.00 for 2...(bought 2)

Artesian breads .89 (bought 2)

***with the rice krispies, my kids don't really like the plain, so I mix the box of plain with the cocoa and they eat it, and it works perfect!  I take everything out of boxes so they don't know what the hell they are getting.  :)

*** the crumpets: I put them 2 at a time into bags or freezer containers and freeze them,the same with muffins.  Then when the kids want them I take them out (the night before), or add them to a lunch, frozen, when they are going some where.  Perfect for Sleepovers...I can take the whole bunch out the night before.

I also buy the day old specialty bread and freeze it for when we cook out we can make grilled bruschetta.

But the definite key with this is don't buy anything over the price you would normally spend!

Today I also bought a bunch of things that were buy 10 get 5$ off.  It was stuff like pasta...bought bags of shells for pasta salad this summer.

granola bars....bought about 6 boxes for when they go riding or we go in the car.

(AGAIN)...I take stuff out of the boxes and put it into the cabinet and regulate how much I put out, because if you put 20 bars out...they will eat 20 bars.  I put 10 out then put the rest in the hidden pantry in the garage where it is NOT really hidden but they are too lazy to go out there to get it.

I make sure I always have things they can make easily alone.

We make bean and cheese burritos 10 at a time and freeze them.  They can run the microwave all alone so I don't have to worry.  These Bean and Cheese burritos are easy and for the cost of tortillas, beans, and cheeze you can get 10-12 for the price of 3 pre-made frozens.  Plus the kids can help ya put them together.

I buy Ramen.  Not healthy, but my kids love it.

Fruit...and when the fruit starts to go south, throw it in the freezer, then the kids can use it to make smoothies in the summer.  They can run the blender alone too.

Yogurt.  I buy the cases of 12...I freeze some, the kids like it semi frozen and it lasts longer.

Cake Mix...you can get the boxed stuff for .89 when its on sale.  I always have 3-4 boxes so I can make cupcakes.  easy!

Cream cheese, for the cupcake frosting...when it's on sale for .99 i buy 4-5 of them and freeze it.  Lasts forever and its perfect for frosting.  Not so good for spreading but any baking its great for after frozen.

Otter Pops..when they go on sale for 40 for 1.99 I buy 3-4 of them and they are a staple for summer kids.

we always have fresh fruit and veggies...

I cut up radishes, carrots, melon, etc and have them in separate containers in the fridge and the kids will eat those.

Remember, if they have to cut or prepare, they are less likely to eat it....so have it ready.

Variety is the key.

So good luck...

enjoy the summer.  

Why are the weekends so speedy?

Just don't get it. Remember back when you were waiting for summer, christmas, or your birthday? My goodness time practically rolled into reverse. Now that I am old and semi gray things whip by at the speed of light. I barely have time to get out of bed and plan a day and it's over. Which leads me to believe that we must start planning the entire summer in the winter so as not to waste any time. Bobby managed to finish the deck on the side.

You see I have opted to wait to pay the mortgage in the middle of this month so that Bobby can piddle paddle around the hose making himself feel useful, which means many trips to Home Depot which in turn means money going through the check book like water through a colander. The deck looks nice. Now we have to do the big part.

Now that he is done with that I can finish my cushions and tidy up with my planting and such.

The rest of the weekend was yardwork, cleaning, sewing with Synda in the messy sewing area, making protein bars...yum yum, a little running, and some wine drinking and too much eating out.

tonight I will finish studying. Tomorrow I take my state boards, NCLEX. I am very nervous. then when I get home I will tidy house try to relax and will be posting all the pictures of the things we have been doing around here.

all the colors of the rainbow

the beauty of processed food and how happy it makes kids.

enough said...

summer

Daddy went out with RockStars and we stayed home...

We don't really know what Daddoo does but we know when Daddoo is away Mommy drinks wine...tries to do homework and fiddle faddles about

sometimes my yard pleases me with lovely flowers...see I'm in Colorado...usually things this tropical don't happen unless stuck to a barrette on the side of someone's head.