RX: Watch Chickens and Sit

 

Per my therapist, 

I am to make less lists and do a bit more relaxing, chicken watching and stretching. To the average person this would be an easy task, but to me ..... it is close to despairingly impossible. It allows me much,

too much, time to think about life. This opens another door. Why am i not wanting to think about life? 
What the hell is wrong with me that I cannot let go, relax and contemplate the beauty of being above ground and all the great things I have experienced and have yet to experience? 
Why does my mind want to dwell in the past and torture me with the thoughts of the things I could have done differently?  
Could I have saved them?  
Could I have saved Sissy? 
Would she still be here to help me navigate these crazy days my mind has been happening?   
Therapist says no.  
What happened happened and it wasn't because of me ( which I know) and I could not have changed the path she had chosen........
It is time to move forward and stop thinking about could have beens and start thinking about what can be, and enjoy it a little bit.

On that note...

Why do many men over the age of 50 pick women half their age +7 years, give or take?

This came up on my news today.  What is the science behind it? There must be a study?

My homework for the week will be to see if there is actually a study.

It will keep me from making a lists.

I am grateful for the new amazing job that I landed.  I really do believe things happen when they are supposed to and this new nursing job has been a career saver for me.  To be able to care for people, in their homes, without being micro managed, having a great team, and the care I'm giving is not "critical" home care.  Home infusion for chronically ill, administering medications like IgG for chron's and ulcerative colitis , and biologics for people with MS and scleroderma.

The people are thankful, I am thankful and the schedule is great.

well I am going to go do a bit of sewing and THINK about going to Yoga .

write ya later

m

hey.... Don't fool yourself..... listen

maybe not mazzy ....but listen 

While this town is busy sleeping,
All the noise has died away.
I walk the streets to stop my weeping,
'Cause she'll never change her ways.

Don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart feels so still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
Oh I think I've forgotten her now.

Her love is a rose, pale and dying.
Dropping her petals in land unknown
All full of wine, the world before her,
Was sober with no place to go.

Don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's somewhere out there now.

Well my tears falling down as I try to forget,
Her love was a joke from the day that we met.
All of the words, all of her men,
All of my pain when I think back to when.

Remember her hair as it shone in the sun,
The smell of the bed when I knew what she'd done.
Tell yourself over and over
You won't ever need her again.

But don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's out there somewhere now.

Oh she was heartache from the day that I first met her.
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget you, somehow.
'Cause I know you're somewhere out there right now.

Together

Life is so weird.

awesomely weird.

let me just tell you .....

like you care.....

Recently I lost a best friend

 ....or more.....

a love..... 

a piece of my heart....

just like that.

no longer.

"never contact me again"

I am who I am....I will never leave people I love....ever.

but this hurt.....

In the interim....I am working and laughing.

My kid is blossoming into this amazing soul 

with big thoughts and opinions, 

beauty that just pours out of her.... 

a mouth like a mini sailor 

and I adore her.

I laughed as she went on and on about how MY life should be evolving....

How Kevin is her "G" 

and she is moving to San Fran ( regardless of cost)

I admire her .

As I move through this divorce ...going on a year + now.

I know I am good.

I think a lot about how things could have been different....

but it doesn't matter.

why waste time on that

I think about how people change and that is something we should all realize...

and that is OK

My life in this little tiny place is happy

I have a lover who adores me and we mesh...

we laugh...we talk...we cook...we do things....

together.  

It is so great.

the kid is happy 

She is involved and present ....

this place is tiny, yet she is always present

unlike the big house....

she is here....

smiling....

and her friends are here too

I love it.

I feel like a mom..... a parent

When this is done....

and I can delete all the messages and pictures from ,y life and start over 

with hopefully 5$ to my name....

things are gonna get wild 

52 year old wild.   

xoxo

m

Costa Rica here I come

365 days Mom's legs

3/9/19

as I sat here to write, with my coffee....

I looked down and saw my mom's legs.

yes...
never thought it would happen, but you do turn into your parents at some point

My parents passed too soon for me.  I wasn't even a full functioning adult when they died.
My mom and I had the normal ill functioning teen mother relationship.
I left the house as soon as I could and lived a life she fretted over.
In a time before cell phones I would often receive 5 minute long voicemails on the recording machine,
"Melissa, this is your mother....where are you? Please call...at least once a month"

She taught me independence, so why did I need to call?
She left home to perform at 16...acrobats, circus, tap dance....
Her life was identical to the life I lived, although I did not dance.
I just lived. Moving from place to place...
She worked for everyone from the circus to the mafia in Chicago and had the best stories.
Stories I listened to, but did not appreciate until she was gone.
Often the situation with mom and daughter relationships.

My Mom's glossy for her auditions.  She was 16 here.

known for tap-dancing, and acrobatics.

She always like to point out " I never EVER took my clothes off...I danced the slots in-between the burlesque....I was NEVER a stripper!"

She danced on a huge ball, or piano....with fans...aka Fan Dancer.

She graced many covers of Chicago's entertainment papers.

She met my Dad, who was 22 years older, when he was a visiting business man and she was working.

Story has it that he courted her for over 2 years...never asking for anything except conversation.

They were both married.  My dad was married to Ruth Kellogg ( of the known Kellogg company), who was mentally ill.  My dad stayed married to Ruth until she shot herself....there is a much larger story around that...but on a side note, my mom took over care for Ruth's youngest after that and continued to care for her own 5 kids. I have been told that my mom had no factor in the fact that Ruth killed herself, she had tried multiple times before....but they kept most of these stories quiet...it was shameful.

My mom was married to a man who was no longer present and also had committed himself to a hospital for mental health.  I am guessing this was a way to escape issues of life in the 60's.

My mom always was very vocal about making sure you were strong and able to figure out how to care for self and whatever baggage ie; kids, you were dragging around with you.

So, I am sure when my dad came int my mom's life, being a millionaire, older, handsome, and not very demanding...she stepped up.

She had kids and worked her ass off, mom during the day, performer at night, but I can see how traveling to NY on the weekends and Rome on the other days and being able to live in a big house with a pool was enticing.

She said she loved my dad...and continued until he died of complications of Alzheimer's. She cared for him until the day he died....just as he cared for her, when she needed it. 

They loved each other.

Their situation at first was not ideal.

but it worked out in the long run...

Mom in Central Park...They stayed in NY quite often...My dad loved to take pictures,

especially of Mom.

I still have that Fox Stole sad bought her...

her name is embroidered on the inside, custom.

Here's one, he was still taking pictures of her 20 years later.

"Gloria at Work"

(those are my legs, too)

My mom left many diaries of her life. She was apparently a bit of a writer too.

They are hard to read because they are sometimes a bit racy and a bit too much info for me...

But the stories of her and my dad are amazing.

It was like a fairy tale.

Pretty Woman type story.

I came along as the accident...

They never intended for me, but ...

Shit happens.

All this said, I refer back to the fact that sometimes we are more of our parents than we want to believe. I was lucky to have such a rare breed for a mother. I was lucky she passed her legs down to me.  I was lucky she taught me to be strong.

Would she be proud?  Maybe now.

Would she encourage me to figure out my shit right now?

Yes.

What would she say?

Go with your heart...

Go with love, because life is short.

Wear the pretty dress, tell people you love them,

be racy, be sassy, dance when you can, and don't be afraid to make mistakes.

But always remember to be strong, independent and go with love...

It's never easy or convenient 

But just as her story , and my dad's, it was worth it.

They lived an amazing life together of dancing, travel, Playboy Mansion, private jets, and 

love....

love....

xoxox,

Write ya later, 

and thanks mom...

for the fairly good genes

m

             

love story of an inconvenient time

A love story from a time long ago.

       We all have a story as such.  A beautiful love story which occurs when there is not a possible right thing to do short of drastic risk. Memories which always come back as "What if's", tears, and  lessons learned. We all have a story, each and every one of us.


....are you ok?.....
hmmmm, what is this, who is this?
......pertaining to what you said....you sounded....well, not ok.

Jesus Criminy, I thought I deleted that. I know I deleted that. Yes , I was mad....hurt, pissed, sad, and I had to get it out. To a world of non people, who I don't know and will never meet.  It's frightening, yet exhilarating to just dump it into the world and no one really knows you, so no damages can come from it.

      But someone did notice and he was intriguing.  His short conversations were honest but guarded. Easy banter among friends.  Especially easy when you really don't 'know' the person.

I remember when it turned the corner.
......what are you doing? , did you know you are hanging out right around the corner from me?.....
No, I'm seeing a band.
......yeah, you just posted and I live right around the corner, I could come up......
pause, ~~heart racing~~
NO.  I'm good, it's late, I'm not staying much longer.

But the feeling was exhilarating, but also wrong.  I was in a committed relationship, regardless of the up and many downs.  I always have kept the faith that the downs will turn around and my relationship at home will be better.  I do have morals, I think, or at least my brain has morals, my heart thinks differently.

then next morning, before I was even awake.....
......I love that picture of you working out on the carpet....
( huh,? that picture is 3 years old). Hey, that's an old picture , what ? did you do go through all my pictures, weirdo?
......yeah
All 3000?
......pretty much.
(inside smile, and a chuckle) weirdo.

This was our friendship.  Banter online at any given time.  He was a late owl, I was an early bird, he was a meat eater, I was not; which in agreement made our friendship incompatible from the beginning.

But he made me smile, laugh, think, and encouraged me, probably unbeknownst to him, more than anyone in my family ever did.  He noticed things and held me accountable when I was wrong. I could count on him to acknowledge life and cool little corners of it in a similar way as my own. His photos of his day to day life caught my eye and I felt an odd connection with another person who saw life in pictures and words....simple pictures and words.

I don't remember how we first spoke, mostly through funny banter and an occasional message about our day? I don't remember the first time I noticed his comments, but upon looking back, it must have been about 2 years. 2 years. That is a long time for chit chat.  The friendship was inevitably going to change one way or another.

........tbc

Write ya later
m

bruised boobie...should have bought a lottery ticket

So, they did call Friday afternoon and said my Biopsy was benign!  woop wool...celebrate.
I celebrated the life of my boob all weekend as silly as that seems.

Happy day.
I could get on with my life.
Everything from the past month just sped right up in fast motion and I felt over whelmed with everything I had thrown to the side with my distress.

I gardened, I cleaned up the yard.  I cleaned the laundry room.  I cleaned the cabinets and actually bought groceries for the family.
Ready to take on life...planning my vacations and starting to work out again/

Went back to work on Monday without a care in the world.


I recieved a phone call at about 10 am Monday morning and my gynecologist left a vm stating she would like to go over my biopsy.  Ok....I all ready got the answer from my primary dr so I wanst too worried.
I went into the break room and gave her a call.

"your biopsy of the calcifications showed nothing to worry about right now.  you have fibrocystic breasts which are very common at your age (my age being 45).....however, the Radiologist called me this morning and said after reviewing the pathology,  the cells around your biopsy site were concerning.  they have Hyperplastic Cell Growth of the Lobules and we would like to refer you to a cancer breast surgeon specialist.  "

wtf?
really?

she goes on to say: "  of biopsies done, only 37% come back malignant ( i see a problem here), of all the biopsies, only 4% come back with hyperplastic cell growth( which I made it to the 4%)...of that 4% only 25% show cancer upon further exams....and within about 10 years about 90% of those 4% develop breast cancer and some point....so, we feel like you should get it examined further to be safe, you are young and have kids....in 10 years you will still be young"

Really?  Maybe I should have bought a l;ottery ticket too.

this is the side of my breast. they went in at the 9 oclock position and this is the hematoma 1 week later after biopsy one

so my decisions now is if I want to continue down this path?  Do I just let it be for a while and see what happens.  I know for a fact I will not get mammos every 3 months just to torture myself.  I also will not be getting biopsies over and over again.  Its a proven fact every time they stick that needle into something potentially cancerous and drag it through the healthy cells you are causing damage.
hmmmm

anyone out there have this experience?  I know there are people.  any Cancer RNs or doctors or radiologists who would like to just say what they have seen or experienced.

with that said I am going to run today.  I am going to do some squats and pull ups.  i have 3 months until summer....and like the dr said,   Im still young...

write ya later,
m

man arms?

Oh lord…

Im not sure if this is what I had in mind when I started to work out and weight lift.  Maybe I thought I would be rockin Madonna arms…You know the kind, Lean and Strong?…

The kind they post on the front of tabloid magazines and the captions says "starving to death?"…

The kind where your significant other, whom you at one time were trying to impress then said  'fuck it , I'm doing it for myself and so other people will say' , "holy shit…what happened to your arms?"

arms

like this:

but not so drastic….

Too me it's is gross, but sexy strong…

and I'm at that age where I'm gross anyways. 

 Middle aged, married woman with kids, who no one looks at any more…Almost like you are invisible.  So what do I care?  I want to look in the mirror and say ,"holy macaroni…I'm going naked today…or if not naked I'm rockin the sleeveless mom smock."

  I'm done with lunch lady arms.  finito…. finished….adios swayin in the wind, arms!

Back to topic.  

So, I thought I could pull this off with my new "Live Fit" training program.

Ummm…it's working, but in a strange way,a way that apparently would only happen to me.

my arms are starting to look like this:

Not that these are bad arms 

and they surely surpass the lunch lady arms…but come on…even these things are gonna be hard to rock in a sleeve less lil black dress for my reunion.

Why does this shit happen to me?  

chin hair?

large features…

now Arnold Arms

It's a start…

I'll be baaack

write ya later

m

PS…now if you hop on over to Lepetite Jen's Blog

you will see what I was hoping for…

slim and tiny…

She will be competing in March I believe.

I'm so proud of her.

Message from the Universe

"Next time you make a wish, m, wish for what is, because really and truly, things don't get much better than this.

There is a purpose, a plan, and a reason for all things. What doesn't make sense, will make sense. You are exactly where you should be; your challenges are what they should be; your rewards are what they should be; and the best is yet to come. Time has served you well. Love is in the air. And you're looking mighty good in the light that now surrounds you."

Really. I think to myself? It doesn't get better than this? I do realize things happen for a reason and I'm willing to give up the idea I can't control things, but jeez. Boulder Foothills are burning down. I like to believe it's because all of these Californians moved here and brought their freaky weather with them, but I know, even when I'm a bit on the tipsy side that this revelation cannot be true. I waited last night for the hospital call tree (where you have to go back to work for mass casualty)to go off, but I didn't really think about it til my head hit the pillow, then I ran around like a chicken missing it's head looking for my cell phone. Luckily, they didn't call me. My brother has a house up on Lee Hill and Hippie Sue lives up there too. she informed me this morning she is packed and ready if need be, but the winds (108 mph) have finally died down.

Things like this make my personal life seem like a joke. Must I complain? Yes. But does it matter in the large spectrum of things? No. Perspective at it's finest.

Yesterday I received an email from Boob..."luv U"....Really? Seemed fishy.

So I know refer back to my message from the Universe this morning:There is a purpose, a plan, and a reason for all things. What doesn't make sense, will make sense. You are exactly where you should be; your challenges are what they should be; your rewards are what they should be; and the best is yet to come. Time has served you well. Love is in the air. And you're looking mighty good in the light that now surrounds you.

The letter from Booby, doesn't make sense. I am exactly where I should be: work? are you sure I shouldn't be on the beach somewhere working on my novel?...My challenges and my rewards are what they should be...and the best is yet to come?..well according to my issues I had yesterday...I'm frightened. You are looking mighty good in the light that now surrounds you?: Fire of the foothills?...is it similar to pink lighting?...or is all the smoke that is making me look better?

Those are my questions to the Universe.

Do you believe things happen for a reason? I do, but I don't know if I always agree with the reasoning.

xoxo

write ya later,

m