53 , Let It Be

Well,

another year.

It's been a good one considering it's the age of Covid.

Party Animal 

crazy hair

Starting fresh

and this is how I celebrate birthdays

shoes and whatever I want.

it's all good

write ya later,

m

 

Together

Life is so weird.

awesomely weird.

let me just tell you .....

like you care.....

Recently I lost a best friend

 ....or more.....

a love..... 

a piece of my heart....

just like that.

no longer.

"never contact me again"

I am who I am....I will never leave people I love....ever.

but this hurt.....

In the interim....I am working and laughing.

My kid is blossoming into this amazing soul 

with big thoughts and opinions, 

beauty that just pours out of her.... 

a mouth like a mini sailor 

and I adore her.

I laughed as she went on and on about how MY life should be evolving....

How Kevin is her "G" 

and she is moving to San Fran ( regardless of cost)

I admire her .

As I move through this divorce ...going on a year + now.

I know I am good.

I think a lot about how things could have been different....

but it doesn't matter.

why waste time on that

I think about how people change and that is something we should all realize...

and that is OK

My life in this little tiny place is happy

I have a lover who adores me and we mesh...

we laugh...we talk...we cook...we do things....

together.  

It is so great.

the kid is happy 

She is involved and present ....

this place is tiny, yet she is always present

unlike the big house....

she is here....

smiling....

and her friends are here too

I love it.

I feel like a mom..... a parent

When this is done....

and I can delete all the messages and pictures from ,y life and start over 

with hopefully 5$ to my name....

things are gonna get wild 

52 year old wild.   

xoxo

m

Costa Rica here I come

day 23 : Birthday Girl

Ya know...

Birthday time again

51.

fifty one fucking years old

red shoe tradition...

I'm hanging by a thread

xo,

m

happy birthday all you Aquarians

not getting any younger

guess what happened today?  You will never guess....

give up?

......

Someone reminded me that I am old. 

Exact quote, 

"you are not getting any younger" 

then made a reference to menopause and how soon I won't even crave, need, or want sex anymore.

I'm going to be a whopping 50 years old in January. I will agree that I am older, but I am not as old as 

Christie Brinkley (64)

 Molly Ringwald (50) She is a month older!

 Sandra Bullock (54)

I am gonna throw it out there that they still are fairly viable women.  Not quite ready for pasture.

I get it.  We aren't 25, so we become OLD....

please refer to this post :

Why do their new girlfriends look like the old

My opinion on all of this is that once we become older women, we become more valuable as humans. 

Think of all the experiences we have. Many have lived a full life, birthed and cared for children, received an education, married and survived (joking), and bled for a quarter of their lives. It's a pretty amazing feat.  Then add the fact that many of us have raised little humans to grown, adulting humans all the while sacrificing fun, intelligent conversation, work, and our body shapes often without really complaining. Ok....we complain, but it is worth it. 

I am going to think ,and suggest, that we hit our prime around 44 -50 and probably our intellectual and our philanthropic prime ....well ,I bet that continues until we cannot empathize and help anymore = deathbed.

I would like to also think that getting old does not scare me at all. It does, but not the getting wrinkles kind of old....it's the getting sick kind of old. I want to be able to continue enjoying my prime with good health. Not bad knees and a shitty ticker.

Also, seniors still have sex....I looked it up, even though I am a nurse and I see Cialis on a lot of OOOOLLLDDDD men's medication list. ( Guess they could be having sex with younger women) 

Anyways I looked it up 

per Dr. Mark Stibich, "While the frequency of sex often declines with age, older adults can and do have sex. In fact, roughly 40 percent of men and women aged 65 to 80 are sexually active according to a recent survey, and women in their 70s often express more satisfaction with sex than women in their 40s."  

Encouraging, looks like I have my 70s to look forward to. 

After all....look at Betty White

I'm so gonna be a Betty White

Better yet, go watch Harold and Maude

There is no sweeter love movie

 xoxoxoxoxo

So, If I'm old....or not getting any younger, I'll take it

xoxox. write ya later, 

ps if you ever want to make me super happy....

Watch Harold and Maude, better yet watch it with me

Screw old:  2 months from 50....

m

Truth in writing .... new leaf

I have decided to write my truth.   
No longer trying to impress or protect feelings.  I need to write for me.  Although, in some sense, writing it makes it real and I'm not sure I am ready for real.

My heart is lost. Knowing one should never depend on another is a reality that does not work for me.  The reason being : I chose a person to spend time with, yet we have apparently changed so much that I’m not sure we can continue.  My marriage is ok, friend wise, but I can’t survive the lack of intimacy.  
Is this a rarity ? 
Or is this a reality ? 
 Intimacy is a normal need, a want, a true necessity for me.  I have had sex in my relationship an average of 3 times a year for 17 years....  this is not ok, yet when you take 15 years to say something it becomes one's own fault.
 I am a sexual person. I need it.  I need touch and physical intimacy.   
I don’t believe this is odd. 

One of the biggest dilemmas is justifying this need at almost 50 years of age.  I am no longer attractive or a commodity, so to expect to be loved or wanted is almost asinine.  Honestly, it fucking sucks ...,,...It is also somewhat asinine to this I would ever connect with anyone in that manner at this age.  I am too set in my quirky ways and life.

I don’t want to blame him, but I do.I'm resentful.
  I’m here. Yet, if he has no attraction to me, there is nothing I can do to change that.  I am to the point that I cannot find myself attractive either.   Everyday I go without touch or acknowledgment I hate myself more.  Really.   I must love myself but when living in this situation with no acknowledgement, it’s hard. Connection of body.  Connection of minds .... it's as if I am living in solitary confinement.

My heart is huge.  My ability to love and express love is probably irritating to most.  So much , yet no place to disperse.  To connect at this age?   Please.

A sacred real self will most likely never happen. 
To laugh secretly and smile, know each other... yet be content.   
That feeling of wanting to touch the leg or hand of the person.  To want everyone to know how great life is .... I will try to ground myself..., people are too closed to be open within love .

Question now, do I give up and just move towards the end as I am? Knowing this must be the path picked for me.....or change, even though it may be worse ? 

As far as self awareness what do I do? Just be? Just be still and let what happens, happen? Let it be ? Just be, move with the issues as it happens or set change into motion?   

Self worth I forever work on and I understand that you cannot make someone love you or a change the way a person is.  That goes for me too.

As for now, I will just breathe.  I have not lost my sense of humor.  I have not lost my health or ability to love others and help. I have not lost my ability to acknowledge others and bring them to a higher point and to make them smile....
so all in all, 
maybe intimacy is just a really small drop in the bucket

write ya later,
m