Nightime gifts

Not sure why the male species thinks it's ok to rip one off as soon as you step away from the bed to go potty in the middle of the night. I don't do that, and I'm pretty sure none of the fairier sex does it either.

It drives me crazy.

As I walk back from the potty I get a slight whiff of something foul and I automatically think, "what the hell did the dogs eat?"

Then as I get closer to the bed I realize it wasn't the dogs..."Damn him".

He's like Pavlov's dog, feel bed move...fart.

I stand next to the bed and ponder basic chemistry....Things always, including thick scent, move from higher concentration to lower concentration. So with that in mind, I fear lifting the heavy sheets...instead I contemplate murder.

I just don't get it....

stupid boys

so mad!!!!

the lady who had the Hutch decided NOT to sell it. I KNOW it's because I told her what I was going to do with it.

so ...instead of firing off a bunch of angry emails...

I sent Bobby to Home Depot to get me a new LG washer, which we can't afford.

I'm really angry right now...

reaaaaaalllly

It's a Man's World, or Maybe Not so Much

Male nurses make up a whopping 3-7% of the nursing community. So you can only imagine what it is like for them to go through nursing school in this female dominated area. I often wince during class when we are discussing subjects and the teachers pull out the chick card. The 'how to handle the penis'..."oh sorry, you guys all ready are familiar."
or
"Everyone remembers what it is like during your period when you ovulating...the pains you may feel? "...'Um, I don't have ovaries' "Sorry....(insert one male nurse's name here) you'll just have to believe us".

I could go on and on, but what's the point? The point I am trying to make here, is that there ARE male nurses...or as we call them....just plain "nurses". We are equal, we all manage the same tasks, do the same clinicals , and have a will to give and care take. Male nurses have excellent bedside manners and often appear less stressed out than their female counterparts. They bring a good vibe to the area and can often bring a new sense of humor to an otherwise stressful work environement.
Right now, I have a male friend who has completed the first part of the nursing program and is wanting to move forward. He deserves to move forward but is facing a few setbacks. I am just going to lay them out on the table ( hope you don't mind *JACK, that I am talking about this.)

1. Male in a female area of school
2. Program that caters to young single moms
3. His age (which I, personally admire him for)
4. Program which keeps changing the criteria to continue.
5. A new day and age.

*Jack gets by fine in the female area of school. He's got a sense of humor and an understanding of the way things work and evolve within our circle. He has this gift because of #3 on the list. He is older and has worked in many areas of life and has now headed toward nursing. This is admirable to me. It's not easy going back to school as a 50+ something male in a 20 something female dominated area . It's not easy, getting your shit together enough to go to class all day, work a real job, and take care of the wife and kids at home, all while trying to maintain your manliness. *Jack does this fairly well, most of the time. He is up with technology, he is willing to give things a try and he is also willing to help the people around them regardless of their sex or age.
Our nursing program has changed every year which I have been in school. Either asking us to take more classes to get onto the "wait list", or retaking a different level of the same class we have all ready taken. It would, honestly, be an unacceptable system in the real world, but within the college system, it is perfectly acceptable to give people the run around,expect more, give less and pull out every roll of red tape you can find to just get people to pay and quit halfway through... instead of helping people graduate with a new life in hand and great things to say about their experience. It just wouldn't fly...look at the the Big Car Corporations right now if you need proof.
*Jack, has maintained a C average as requested by the school (yes, he knows he could have often done better, but he often had to pick between home life, work, health, then school). Now the school says he must have a 2.5 average combined...which is a C average, for him to go forward. 2.5 is a low average, you may be saying to your self. Well, yes it is...but many nursing classes are pass or fail...and *Jack has passed all of those...the grades come from math and biology, psych classes and English...classes we know are needed, but not always necessary to place a catheter or calm a scared patient... *Jack is amazing at those skills.
*jack has a 2.2 average...now after 3 years of wait list, completing the LPN program, and trying to get into the next level for RN they are telling him NO...because he has a 2.2 average...(which is technically a C average, which was the request upon entering the program). No, you can't go on...Yes, we know you have passed everything...but basically screw you becasue of 3/10th of a grade average. Here's a man who is going to change lives,he may have been the one to care for yoru sick parents, but he happened to make a LOW 'C' in Pathophysiology...so he can't go on unless he pays again, starts completely over...and hopes for the best.
An adult man, who would like to change his career at an adult age, who doesn't cheat on tests, shows up, does the work and is perfect for the job....3/10th of a grade...sorry, buddy...this is the college system built for younger students who have more available cash flow and the time to screw around....not for you, *Jack.

But we are going to fight this one....yes we are...I am sick of watching people cheat their way through the education system to become lawyers, doctors, whatever...*Jack deserves this shot.

* names have been changed to protect the innocent

Excuse me, I think I killed the Sim Baby...

yesterday, we had a SIM lab. Sounds exciting, huh? It is somewhat...but also somewhat funny. You step into a classroom which is full of mechanical mannequins which can be programmed via the computer to cough, cry, have weird heartbeats, and give birth. Yes, give birth.

this sim above is the one I was using (not me in the picture)

pregnant and gives birth....
birthing....
So, to start the day I did my vag (grossest word ever) check and the laboring mom was at about 4cm. Needs to be totally effaced before pushing...good, I'll move to the newborn, see if I can do a nice easy assessment. I walk over...look at the screen, everything seems pretty good. There are a lot of things laying out for me to use. Itty bitty blood pressure cuff, stethoscope, intubation tubes, heel sticks, feeding tubes, diapers...basically everything.
I got my stethoscope and started to do my evaluation. I unwrapped the swaddled baby and started listening for lung sounds, heart beats and to see if there were any heart defects. As I was going through the motions, the nurse standing next to me started giggling...Your baby's face is turning blue. I look up and gasp! yikes...what's going on? I see the heart rate has gone up...I start to panic...hmmmm First thing into my mind...go for broke...INTABATION... STAT! Like something off of ER I grab the tubes, no gloves (duh, fail), spray the lube on and start jammin the tube down the babies neck. Of course it gets stuck and at this point the girl next to me is laughing hysterically. My babies vitals are down the shoot and there is beeping galore...and the baby is now glowing blue. Jeesus christ...Jam, jam , jam...I wrench the kids neck back and the tube goes down. I slap the top piece on it and look at my work proudly...as the baby flatlines...Nice... UHMMMM...
The nurse next to me is laughing...I look over and say, "well, what would you have done?" She giggles and says, " How about just wrapping the baby in a blanket and put the hat back on? It was freezing...It had hypothermia from you taking the blankets off and putting that ice cold stethoscope on it....hahahahaha"
What? You mean NO TUBE? All I needed to do was burrito wrap that kid back up and all the bells and whistles would have gone back to normal?!!!
great....
I look over as one of the girls is yelping about the SIM mom "crowning". She gets her gloves on and the baby starts to appear from the gaping rubber vagina. Lovely. She says the baby is coming!...I say, "Hey, Isn't' the face supposed to be facing down?"
"Well, yeah...I suctioned, but the baby won't budge..."
I say again, "The face of that baby should be down." thinking to myself that the computer must be set for a problem birth.
The girl takes the baby's head and wrenches it so that the face is NOW down and CRRRRRRRRRRRuuuNch" Baby head is now down and baby head is a goner. She looked at me like I did it from across the room.
"Heehee, I said it is supposed to be facing down, not crack the head off and make it down!"
Uhm, teacher...I believe we killed the SIM Babies...
Lord, this is why we don't get real patients.

Friday Night is Sushi Night at my House

A new Study has revealed a rise in tapeworms in humans from eating sushi.
Gross...

Helminths are not your friend, in any form. (giving myself the heebie jeebies)

"No, your eyes are not playing tricks on you. That really is a little worm squirming all over your sashimi. This is not some ghetto sushi joint, so WTF? It happens. Each year around 2,000 Japanese fall ill from worms found in raw fish -- (nigiri and sashimi rather than the mayo playground that's called sushi). No, no, not tape worms...but tiny little worms about half an inch long known as Anisakis simplex."

Years ago one of my first jobs was at a place called Pier 98 in Destin, Fl. I wasn't real picky at what I had to do for a first job. I had arrived at this place at 15 after a too long stint of babysitting and after sleepwalking, while babysitting triplets, I thought it would be in my best interest, and the families I worked for, if I found a new calling. Many of my friends worked in the kitchen at this semi high end tourist place so I thought, "what better gig could I get? I get to hang with my friends on a Friday and Saturday night then have fun later." I never really thought about being the only chick working behind the line....I just thought ...cool 4.25$ an hour?...I'll take it!

Little did I know what I was in for.

I started as a dishwasher. I loved it. All the leftover food you could eat. note for future dishwashers of America.... people never finish their chocolate mousse, and if you have a thing for mashed potatoes, there are always plenty of those also. I didn't care...wash the dishes, restack the dishes, eat the leftovers...and occasionally a waiter would slip me some money to save a "one bite taken off" of Filet Mignon.
I would hear them arguing.
"Table 5 hasn't even touched her steak...that is sooooooo mine." "Yeah if you fuckin bus the table like you are supposed to." "Whatever, Dude, we will split it."
Then they would show up at my slophole of a station and give me some foldin money to "hold that plate" when it comes back. No problem, losers...i don't eat steak...and I'll take your foldin money too.
Eventually the others figured out I was making cash on the side and I was given the opportunity to progress to a better job.
The Fish Room.
I stood in a room full of ice, fresh fish , a large black man, who possibly just escaped from prison, who wielded a filet knife like a Samurai....and no clean shot EXIT door. Once we bonded as co workers I was told what to do on a daily basis. Usually it went something like this: peel 50 pounds of shrimp and butterfly, shuck as many oysters as your feeble girl(he possibly said Bitch) hands can, then head your white ass over here and pull worms.
????????
No...no helminths.
NO NO NO...
"Little Red (my prison name from large black man), It's your job...get your scrawny white ass over here."

Never once in the time I worked in the fish room did I think it was an option to quit. (that didn't happen until I progressed to Fry Bitch) So, I pulled worms.
They filet the fresh Gulf fish, throw it up on a table, where I would take my young nimble fingers, grasp the wiggly part of the worm, and pull. Sometimes I would fret that it broke inside...maybe it didn't come all the way out...could I have possibly missed a side?
Until my prison friend said, "Fuck it, Lil Red, too many worms to pull, not enough time. Those rich fuckers haven't a clue...worms in their fuckin stomachs...hah! Red, this why I don't eat nothin with worms or nothin that hasn't been fried to God's Sweet Heaven" (in my mind I was picturing God frying mullet til it was a perfect crunchy piece of crap fish which you can eat wrapped in paper with ketchup...fins and all).

Prison Buddy is a smart man.

I stayed at this job until I actually didn't mind it anymore....then they moved me to salad and dessert fairy(notice how this has a nice name)...I must say...I don't miss the worms...But I do miss Prison.
So, Sushi Fridays are still the same. I rarely think about it anymore, but I thought I would leave you with this gift for your Sushi Friday or Saturday...or whatever. Enjoy, and remember...fried to "God's Sweet Heaven" may be a motto you would like to adopt.

here's that water law for rain collecting...

http://water.state.co.us/pubs/pdf/RainWaterBills.pdf


"Colorado water law declares that the state of Colorado claims the right to all moisture in the atmosphere that falls within its borders and that “said moisture is declared to be the property of the people of this state, dedicated to their use pursuant” to the Colorado constitution. According to the constitution, water must be appropriated according to priority of appropriation. As a result, in much of the state, it is illegal to divert rainwater falling on your property expressly for a certain use unless you have a very old water right or during occasional periods when there is a surplus of water in the river system. This is especially true in the urban, suburban, and rural areas along the Front Range. This system of water allocation plays an important role in protecting the owners of senior water rights that are entitled to appropriate the full amount of their decreed water right, particularly when there is not enough to satisfy them and parties whose water right is junior to them."

Ahhhhh Grassssssshopper....

you tied the belt too tight.
It's hard to picture isn't it?
Natural causes...
I guess it's pretty natural to run out of air when you have a belt around your neck and you are dangling 2 inches from the floor with your penis in your hand.

I was talking to my friend about this....
Men are flippin weird. Women would never think about doing this (well very rarely) and I'm sure if we did, we would have at least fancy shoes on for when they found us.
So, here the scenario: David comes home from a long day of filming (did i mention he was in Thailand?) and feels a bit frisky. Hmmmm I'm a little tired today so i guess I'll get naked, find my old crappy belt, put it around my neck and this secure spot in the closet, play with my ding a ling and then see if I can fall to my knees and hope this bar here in the closet doesn't break....oh yeah, and I got to remember to try to stand up right when I'm *finished* wink wink.
Back to the Thailand thing...isn't that the land of little hookers, and the place you can get ANYTHING sexual you could possibly want?...or does doin yourself in the closet sound better?
While I am on the subject about the weirdness of men...
Must they really masturbate all the time? Working in the hospital you see and hear all kinds of crazy things. As a woman, IF i had a penis (first of all I would love it) most importantly I would NEVER EVER stick it in a vacuum cleaner. I would NEVER EVER stick it in a beer bottle. I also would never stick a beer bottle up my butt or vahooha...I just have a bit of common sense and getting off is not that important to me. I would much rather have my pride.

So next time you think about doing a little yanky yanky hanging from the closet bar either :

1. make sure you have someone there with you to get you back on your feet and belt off your neck.
2. make it look like suicide...that means let go of your penis (maybe you clamp down when this happens)
or
3. just remember Grasshopper say "Not good idea, Sensei".

Ira Glass,,,how could you?

How could you have allowed them to overbook the theater?
We just wanted to see you LIVE via satellite and hear your voice, so like butter.

We had prepared months in advance...purchasing tickets, figuring out the perfect evening of This American Life love, yet when we arrived there were no seats.
Not a one, so we chose to sit on the steps...until the mean 17 yearold manager told us we were a fire hazard. Can you believe that? A fire hazard!
What did we get in return?
2 make up date tickets for a NON LIVE rebroadcast
and 2 tickets to some crappy regular movie.

I cried all the way home
sniff
disappointed
M

Night at the Group...

There is a bar down the street called "Group Therapy". This is in ingenious name considering the derelicts which hang out there. It's the type of place where you are worried about your car, where you parked and how far it is from the parking space to the actual door. Once inside, just as scary.

We went to see a friend's band , "Burn", which plays absolutely NO original music. All 80's except for the few Nickelback crap songs they throw in. It's like Karaoke, but louder. It's almost as if you are in the middle of, let's just say, Opp, Alabama in the only bar with all the locals jamming in their big white sneakers playing air-guitar to Van Halen, beer dancing,and karate kicking... and it all seems OK....until you step back out into reality and realized you were in some sort of David Lynch movie.

After belting out Jessie's Girl and a few Toto hits I told Synda she had to come to the bathroom with me. I sure as hell wasn't going alone. As we rounded the corner to the bathroom we could all ready smell it.

Synda says, "Oh my God...I'm not going in there."

I on the other hand am a bit more adventurous and also work in a hospital so the smell was bearable, plus I had to pee, bad.

I walked in, walked out, "Give me my camera!"

Here's what I saw:











yes that is blood...lovely...but besides the stench, for some reason the toilet was clean.
very juxtapose, don't you think?



I got the hell outta there...but I did pee, balancing carefully.
When we got back to the table, Joe was making nice with the locals.






If these people are any of YOUR people, I guess I should apologize, but I won't because it was quite comical.
Although Joe did not have his Hooker Money available, he got a free picture to remember the event.
I believe she is trying to convince Joe for a 20$ you know what. That is why he is laughing.


This guy lost his pants and his teeth.
I'm not sure why we felt we needed to be discreet while photographing him. He was hammered.

We finished up our crappy beer and left via the cloud of cigarette smoke outside the front door, and watched the remainder of said family above dragging each other to the motel across the street. I bet they will have a nice time.

Another fabulous night at the Group Therapy.
If ever in Longmont CO. you must visit the Group.

You don't know Torture

Until you sit thru a 6-8th grade Orchestra event. Ilin plays the Bass (stand up) in the Orchestra. Last night was his end of year event. We needed to be there at 630 for "tuning" (like it matters). My day yesterday was beyond full, besides the fact I was feeling under the weather with a sore throat. I got up at 515am, got ready, got the kids up, took Olive to daycare, then Ilin to school,(he had to bring his bass from home, so normal walking to school was out)me to work, leave work at 340 to get to school by 4, take huge horrible Patho test, then get home. As I walk in the door at 605 pm Ilin is standing there, waiting like preteens do, somewhat under foot. Olive is yelling, "Woohoo...yeah Mammoos home...what's for dinner? Can we go out to dinner? Please, Please ...PLEAAAAAAAAAAASE?" Then Ilin says, "Where is my black button down? I can't find it ANYWHERE". HMMMMM? You mean MY black button down? "Yeah, Mom, the one I always wear." So I rummage through dirty hampers, closets, glance at clock realize we have 7 minutes to get there and no one has eaten. I don't know where it is.(later figured out it was at his dad's) So I pull a size 7 out of the closet, roll up the sleeves and off we go, dragging the largest instrument a child can pick, short of the piano and a thin 6th grader crammed into a shirt that hasn't fit him since 3rd grade.
Once we get there, Bobby and Olive walk to the Subworks to get dinner, Bobby cannot stand listening to the school music, and I wait, or better yet, am held prisoner while the music begins. The school does this horrible thing where they set it up so that the 6th graders play first then we are stuck there for the hour and a half listening to the 7th and 8th graders. They aren't allowed to leave which in turn means the parents can't leave.

I know what you are thinking. I should be enjoying this time, my son's musical event...but it hell on your ears. Imagine 200 stringed instruments tuned by 6th graders, add screaming babies, hot sweaty gym, and uncomfortable seating, and then you tell me to enjoy.

By the time it was over I was ready to die. Literally die.
this is another reason to not have kids...
or for some of you another thing to look forward to.

oh my aching ears.

whys my layout all freaky?

Synda...
fix it...I think it's my work computer effin with me.
telling me to quit blogging.
All the links have moved "lucy goosy"
all over my page.
Is it just me?
or is it whacked.

Look...I don't need this shit this
morning...I like things to be the
SAME
everyday...
got it?

fix it, please...someone
m

Thanks freak

Hey, thanks Pseudo Stripper Broad for squishing up against me the other night at Scott Weiland. I asked people around me...it wasn't just me who thought the fact you were licking your boob sweat and inappropriately touching yourself was totally gross...but also the fact you were moaning so loud we could barely hear Scott ...was just....I don't know...yuk.

not sexy....no matter what you think you look like.

thanks for ruining my Xmas Present...
(if I don't stand behind the Amazons...I'm stuck next to the freaks)

Hello Vagina...It's me, Menses talking

Dear Vagina (and all parts attached),

I'm here to ruin your week.  Don't worry, we'll try to make it painless, although it doesn't quite seem possible to accommodate your needs anymore, including the pain part.  We try to arrive at the most in opportune time to keep you on your toes...so be ready.  I really don't want you to think life revolves around me...BUT...you know....I am important.  I heard from the brain that you were having a bit of stress.  She said it was something about school and the scheduling and trying to fit life, work and a new future all into one packet.  I thought this was hysterical....and the best part?....Since you don't have unprotected sex anymore or go on romantic vacations, I thought this would be a perfect time to arrive...and boy I was right.  I win every time.  Your brain also told me she remembered you didn't have any tampons under the sink last time you were looking under there...so I really thought it would be nice to show up a day early, percolate all night in your uterus so that when you rolled out of bed at 515 am there would really be no forgetting about me.  I want you to remember that until menopause, even though you don't actually need me anymore, I am going to be here for you.  Full Force.  Possibly even more so than before.  I heard from your pain tolerance that you were thinking you were pretty tough, ha, we'll see about that.  Boobs reminded me the other day they could barely remember what it was like to be pregnant, so I thought I would shoot some unneeded hormones their way also... No bra is going to feel good for the next week, don't worry, you are tough, you can handle it..and like I said before, at least you don't  have to worry about being pregnant (you took that joy away from me after the last kid...I'll never let you live that down, well, at least until menopause).  Oh yeah, if you are thinking "I can't wait til Menopause gets here"...well you better think another thought because Menopause is my neighbor and we have been working out a game plan with Ms Midlife Fat roll, Mr. Hot Flash, and Dry Vagina....oh yeah and the last we heard from Zits , Wrinkles, and Stray Hair...they said they would definitely be back from vacation for that...they said they wouldn't want to miss it.  

One last thing, I called Temperament and let them know "games on". We'll be waiting in the background when Bobby gets home.  So be ready.  Tongue all ready said she was not in a cooperating mood and Foot-n-Mouth is not far away.   Right hand has been primed to be able to pick up the gin bottle and taste buds are on hiatus so when you think 3 drinks will suit you better than 1, we will all be ready to move forth with our plan to destroy the rest of your week, and if we work it out perfectly, we may even be able to ruin the family's week too.  

Love you,

Menses