Flapjack Aren't Just for Breakfast Any More

It came up at the book club the other night: "Flap-Jack Boobies".
Yes I said it, it is a real thing and if you are a mom that birthed through your vagina and possibly breastfed you know what I'm talking about. It's an evil thing...evil, evil, EVIL. These are the types of things that snap you back into reality when you start thinking a little bit outside the box.
You know the thoughts like I have at age 40.

"Hey good lookin...good job, Mamma, you been workin out, just don't look at your backside. Take your glasses off when you look and always remember that you gave birth and you have a bit of an excuse...besides all that...you are one hot MILF, especially since you have no luxuries of plastic surgery, personal trainers, or good genes".

Yeah that's me...
Until Ashley brought up the fact of flap-jack boobies.
First thing I thought...F her...They nourished our kids....Then I thought again...
Damn it to hell.

lohan
(she doesn't even have kids!)

She's right, we have flap jack boobies. This is a phenomenon that Moms often get after birthing and losing weight, usually to a weight which is less than previous or when you are older. OLDER! Damn it. You can camouflage with good bras, but cannot contain them in bathing suits, laying on your side, or on your back...or just plain naked. Flap Jack boobs. I hate you boobs. Moms who stay on the chubby side usually don't have this problem...Their boobs stay luscious and luxurious.
I'm feeling older by the day. I looked at them yesterday at every angle possible and now all I can think about is silicone or saline.

I'm on a diet, I don't want any flap jacks.

Hello Vagina...It's me, Menses talking

Dear Vagina (and all parts attached),

I'm here to ruin your week.  Don't worry, we'll try to make it painless, although it doesn't quite seem possible to accommodate your needs anymore, including the pain part.  We try to arrive at the most in opportune time to keep you on your toes...so be ready.  I really don't want you to think life revolves around me...BUT...you know....I am important.  I heard from the brain that you were having a bit of stress.  She said it was something about school and the scheduling and trying to fit life, work and a new future all into one packet.  I thought this was hysterical....and the best part?....Since you don't have unprotected sex anymore or go on romantic vacations, I thought this would be a perfect time to arrive...and boy I was right.  I win every time.  Your brain also told me she remembered you didn't have any tampons under the sink last time you were looking under there...so I really thought it would be nice to show up a day early, percolate all night in your uterus so that when you rolled out of bed at 515 am there would really be no forgetting about me.  I want you to remember that until menopause, even though you don't actually need me anymore, I am going to be here for you.  Full Force.  Possibly even more so than before.  I heard from your pain tolerance that you were thinking you were pretty tough, ha, we'll see about that.  Boobs reminded me the other day they could barely remember what it was like to be pregnant, so I thought I would shoot some unneeded hormones their way also... No bra is going to feel good for the next week, don't worry, you are tough, you can handle it..and like I said before, at least you don't  have to worry about being pregnant (you took that joy away from me after the last kid...I'll never let you live that down, well, at least until menopause).  Oh yeah, if you are thinking "I can't wait til Menopause gets here"...well you better think another thought because Menopause is my neighbor and we have been working out a game plan with Ms Midlife Fat roll, Mr. Hot Flash, and Dry Vagina....oh yeah and the last we heard from Zits , Wrinkles, and Stray Hair...they said they would definitely be back from vacation for that...they said they wouldn't want to miss it.  

One last thing, I called Temperament and let them know "games on". We'll be waiting in the background when Bobby gets home.  So be ready.  Tongue all ready said she was not in a cooperating mood and Foot-n-Mouth is not far away.   Right hand has been primed to be able to pick up the gin bottle and taste buds are on hiatus so when you think 3 drinks will suit you better than 1, we will all be ready to move forth with our plan to destroy the rest of your week, and if we work it out perfectly, we may even be able to ruin the family's week too.  

Love you,

Menses