Too tiny for middle school

It's been a while, but I'm still here   Chugging along.  Making life go on   Which is something I have to do... Well , because it's life.   Right?  Right

Here's something to think about.  I took my daughter to middle school orientation.  She is toooooo small for middle school !   She's a puny lil thing with the biggest personality so I'm guessing she will survive .    Her friend kept saying , " don't worry , everyone will love her because she is so cute"
What????
No, no no.
First thought ; how to make her ugly so no one thinks she is cute , but then I realized that is pretty shitty .
She pointed out that she really could fit in the locker and how will she reach the top shelf.
That's when I realized .... She's just a little kid. She had no worries.  Except the height of the top shelf

Listen , Olive,   You will reach any shelf you want to reach   I swear

Damn kid ;)
Next time we will make fun of my parenting fail with the teen

All over again and again

I start all my processes back over this next week
Everything is so expensive.
Its a wee bit stressful
My kid was diagnosed with Asthma which costs another couple grand even with insurance.
My hubby is back to his old shenanigans
I have nice size lump in the other boob now
My son has been living with his dad and I miss him
We fight a lot in this house.
I wish I could just run away.
Turning a blind eye isn't working as much anymore
I long for someone to hug me and pat my bottom and tell me i'm awesome, beautiful, and enough
When I look in the mirror
i cry

craft room disaster

Room is painted. I'm not sure why I choose to do these things.  I guess it gives me some sense of being able to fix something.  Anything.

Bobby ended up helping me "cut in " the paint because I always get the ceiling.  I chose my two favorite colors: tangerine and green...with white.  I love the 70s mod colors.

this is in no way my completed project...this is much too nice...but these are the colors I used.

My shit is all over the place.  I have cleaned up more mouse poop in the past 2 days then I ever did working on the farm.  Who knew we were infested in the laundry room?  Not anymore.  

I have cleaned and bleached and if I show up dead or deathly ill in a month, it's Huntavirus (sp?)

While I wait for paint to dry and for Bobby to sand the last part where we had to re plaster the wall...Note to self...don't try to chip that tiny piece off...it always opens a can of worms I am sitting in the crappy computer room looking at what to do with all this fabric.

I have ironed little scraps

 i have ripped fabric meant for the garbage into strips

oh my god....mess

i'm worried I won't be able to get this all back together.   So I sit here making fabric for the garbage into balls of fabric yarn I can make something with.   All my best ideas come when I am not able to do anything  i.e: craft room non functioning.

Well, I'll keep ya posted,   I really should try to go for a run.  Its bee 2 weeks since the boob surgery.  My pants are tight.  

xo,

write ya later

m

craft room and yarn hole! Lets do this thing

Shit shit and more shit.   

So today I start to fix and throw away and try to make something out of this place we call home.

It gets to a point where you have lived some where so long you don't really care any more, then one day you look around and say 

Jeesus, this place is a mess and we have such great space and I bet if someone else lived here they would make it nice

so I am going to make my space nice.

Of course as soon as I started the man came down and said you can't just paint...you cant just put stuff in here.

well why the hell not!?

Just go back out to your garage.

the front loader broke...I had to spend 600$ on a new washing machine on Mother's Day which really really pissed me off.  so that wont be here until 5/25.  that gives me time to paint.

I'll keep ya posted and in the mean time if you have any ideas via pinterest etc...send them my way

boob is free and clear....for now

I have been a bit absent due to the circumstances of breast illness and stress.  I would like to happily report that I was finally able to have my "breast sparing lumpectomy" on 4/30.  I was very nervous seeing how this was my very first surgery.  I had kept all this information to myself for a few months now and was emotionally ready to find out the answer. 

I arrived at the hospital at 7 am to prepare for the placement of the wire into my breast.  this is called a wire guided stereo mammogram.  The Dr. uses mammogram to place a wire into your breast up to the titanium chip which marks the cancerous area.  To me, it wasn't bad.  they give you some lidocaine and you drop your boob into a hole onto a table and they work from below.  I felt as long as I didn't think too much about it I was fine.  When he is done they take your for a soft mammogram (no such thing) to make sure the wire is in the right place then off to the pre-surgery area.    When I arrived into pre-surgery my blood pressure was up to the 150s ,which is unusual for me.  I was so scared.  As they started setting me up I just started blubbering like an idiot and the RNs stood there aghast.  " its ok..  its ok, we are going to take care of you.  You wont feel anything"  I knew all this but the emotion just poured out.  I was finally able to get my shit together and crack a few jokes and they felt it was safe enough to leave me in the tiny room to watch TV and relax.   

45 minutes later I had signed all consents, spoke to the surgeon and then the Anesthesiologist.  He was great, told me everything he was going to do and all was well in the world.  

Next thing I remember was him saying, " do you feel that?"  Feel what...?  the burning in my IV?   and he says , "yup. " with a big smile and I remember the oxygen mask coming towards me and hearing him laugh and  saying, " nighty night, Red".

I woke up an hour or so later in recovery.    I had no nausea, was thirsty, but no pain.   I sat around there for a while then was sent home.

I felt great.  no pain...no nausea....no pain.  they had placed a Scopolamine patch behind my ear for the nausea and it worked wonders.  

I was to leave everything in place and wear a big booby binder for 72 hours.

 day 3 i removed the binder.  not bad.

the lump they removed was about 2"x3" so my one breast was smaller and sitting up a little higher from the swelling and where she stitched me up.  I really couldn't complain.  the only stupid thing I did was remove the patch from behind my ear thinking I was fine and for 3 days I was unable to eat with my stomach rolling.  no puking...just uncomfortable.

 bandage

9 o'clock stitch from armpit to nipple.  could be worse.

Monday 5/5 :   I received my results after a long 6 days of waiting.  The Surgeon was able to remove the mass with no cancer left behind.  or what they call clean margins.   no other  cancerous cells found.  

I was so excited.  yet the strange thing was it hasn't eased my mind.  not sure if this is normal.  I woke up last night with chest pain and was afraid I was having a heart attack.  I'm sure it was anxiety, seeing as I am still alive this afternoon.   But I'm still a nervous wreck.

I go back for my checkup tomorrow.  

I am hoping I am not having a heart attack

and I am off work for another week or so, but with not much energy to do anything.

Alls good in boobsville for now

xo 

m

lets get this show on the road

Today I finally go for my consult with the breast specialist.   Unfortunately my last appointment was moving along at a great pace and I went to schedule my surgery only to find out the surgery center was not in "network".  I chose to change Dr.s and head to a more "in network" surgery so as to save costs.  Lord, should I really be penny pinching right now?   

So, today...the new consult.  Because I am an RN I know what they will say.   " this is no big deal...lets get you scheduled for the wire surgery and see what we are dealing with....please talk to the receptionist to schedule"   and I will leave the office just as confused as before.     I'm guessing the entire day will be a waste of time and I'm guessing they wont be able to schedule me quickly.  so i will be waiting again.   

Stupid

I filled out all the paperwork and printed off info for FMLA so that when it does happen I can take time off work with out repercussions from the higher ups.  

After my appointment I will be Easter Basket Junk Shopping.....after all it is my favorite holiday

The Chocolate Holiday

I cant believe this kid is smiling

write ya later

and hopefully these posts will be a little less Bummery soon

xo

m

Heavy

 I have so much anxiety I am freaking out.  I know that doesn't make sense but I can't move forward I just sit here.   I'm feeling very hateful and very overwhelmed.  As I sit I realize how I have wasted my life.  How I haven't completed things I should have.  How I yelled at my kid last night to no end, for stupid shit.
What is wrong with me?   Everything and nothing.
I have been drinking more than I should.  I have not been eating like I should and I have quit sleeping.  I have quit cleaning.  I have quit doing anything.
I dread going to work.
I cry on the inside....I try not to look unhappy, but my skin is sallow and my hair is falling out.
I was told to make a vision board
I looked at some on Pintrest then realized it was too much...what if I make one the. Never accomplish a god damn thing on it.  
I stopped going to yoga, I stopped working out....when my head gets too full I run, but always with fear of running too far and not making it back.
Very few have checked on me.  Life goes on.
Spring is here.  My favorite season and I just want to curl up in a ball and die


M

bruised boobie...should have bought a lottery ticket

So, they did call Friday afternoon and said my Biopsy was benign!  woop wool...celebrate.
I celebrated the life of my boob all weekend as silly as that seems.

Happy day.
I could get on with my life.
Everything from the past month just sped right up in fast motion and I felt over whelmed with everything I had thrown to the side with my distress.

I gardened, I cleaned up the yard.  I cleaned the laundry room.  I cleaned the cabinets and actually bought groceries for the family.
Ready to take on life...planning my vacations and starting to work out again/

Went back to work on Monday without a care in the world.


I recieved a phone call at about 10 am Monday morning and my gynecologist left a vm stating she would like to go over my biopsy.  Ok....I all ready got the answer from my primary dr so I wanst too worried.
I went into the break room and gave her a call.

"your biopsy of the calcifications showed nothing to worry about right now.  you have fibrocystic breasts which are very common at your age (my age being 45).....however, the Radiologist called me this morning and said after reviewing the pathology,  the cells around your biopsy site were concerning.  they have Hyperplastic Cell Growth of the Lobules and we would like to refer you to a cancer breast surgeon specialist.  "

wtf?
really?

she goes on to say: "  of biopsies done, only 37% come back malignant ( i see a problem here), of all the biopsies, only 4% come back with hyperplastic cell growth( which I made it to the 4%)...of that 4% only 25% show cancer upon further exams....and within about 10 years about 90% of those 4% develop breast cancer and some point....so, we feel like you should get it examined further to be safe, you are young and have kids....in 10 years you will still be young"

Really?  Maybe I should have bought a l;ottery ticket too.

this is the side of my breast. they went in at the 9 oclock position and this is the hematoma 1 week later after biopsy one

so my decisions now is if I want to continue down this path?  Do I just let it be for a while and see what happens.  I know for a fact I will not get mammos every 3 months just to torture myself.  I also will not be getting biopsies over and over again.  Its a proven fact every time they stick that needle into something potentially cancerous and drag it through the healthy cells you are causing damage.
hmmmm

anyone out there have this experience?  I know there are people.  any Cancer RNs or doctors or radiologists who would like to just say what they have seen or experienced.

with that said I am going to run today.  I am going to do some squats and pull ups.  i have 3 months until summer....and like the dr said,   Im still young...

write ya later,
m

The waiting game

Called in sick today.  I have too much anxiety .  I was hoping one of the doctors would call with my pathology report but so far it doesn't look like that is going to happen.
the biopsy was Wed.  It was not as bad as I had imagined , that was until the stereophonic imaging machine broke and they had to call someone in to look at it with my poor titty in a plexiglas vice grip.  They did try to cover me a bit, but it seemed so ridiculous I couldn't even think straight.  There I was ...6 feet up in the air, right boob locked in through a hole in a god awful uncomfortable table, my ribs falling through because apparently they don't make a table for petite people, and people standing there trying to figure out why the imaging machine will not circle around to take the 3D type pictures.  After about 45 minutes the Dr. said, " I think we have it in the right place, I'm going to try and take the samples.  The other choice would be for you to come back and do it in surgery".
JUST DO IT
They did it then I went for what they call a "soft" mammogram .  They gently place your smoothed, deflated, bruised booby into the mammo machine and smoosh it one more time.   The radiologist said, " you want to see the pictures?"
Sure I do.  
She pointed out the little titanium marker the dr placed and showed where the micro-calcifications had been removed.  She pointed to one little spot.  Looks like they got all but one.

Now the waiting game.  She said I may not hear anything til Monday.  The bummer is, I know the pathology comes back in 24 hours....I'm a nurse.   But I can't make someone look at it if they don't want to.  So, here I sit.
It's going to be ok.  It is ...only 32% are malignant.  That gives me a good 68% chance of being A ok . ...for now any way.   Micro calcifications are precancerous from what I understand, so we will just have to see.
The bad news is I will be receiving the news at work on Monday if they don't call today.

Enjoy your weekend
Xo,
M

Thoughts from the reaper

Past few days....

Wow, I really haven't had enough sex....or sex with people I want to have sex with
Why do I always put off vacation?
I wish my backyard was fixed up nicer.
Maybe I should tell the kids now so that they will be nicer.
Should I go to Disney World?
Fuck workin out!
Let's hire a maid.
Is that pain anxiety or do I all ready have mets?
Please make sure people I know tell funny stories about me instead of sad morose shit.
damnit, my motorcycle isn't even finished and I haven't been to Sturgis.
Thank god I didn't go back to school this year.
I should just eat sweets from here on out.
I miss my mom.

These are the kind of things you think of while waiting for a diagnosis.
I think a lot about the sex part.   I think waiting is making me horny....or maybe it's all the
hormones....whatever the case.... I really should not have been such a prude my entire life

Well
I'll write ya later
Xo ,
M

Damn Boobs

I never win anything, but last week I did.  I won a call back for a second mammogram.
I know, I know...it eventually happens to everyone.  At least that is what I've been told.
They called me at work to tell me they found some Microcalcifications in my right boob, could I please schedule a follow appointment as soon as possible.

Uhmmmm
ok

so after a quick 20 minutes of googling I decided to make the appointment and not worry too much, after all...everyone eventually gets a call back.

I called a few people, whom I consider friends, and they all said the same thing, "Don't worry.  It's scary but I had to do the same thing and it was ok...Benign, nothing."

i took that info for what it was worth, continued to google my situation and decided to not fear the reaper until I had heard his tap.

Yesterday I calmly drove myself to the Woman's Center, followed the kind receptionists directions to clean under my armpits and breasts, put on the soft pink flannel robe, and head into the nice serene waiting room.  I sat there with 2 other woman who looked put out by their yearly mammogram.  All of us sitting in our pink robes with our tell tale signs of what we do for work peeking out.  The lady next to me with her nice slacks and expensive boots, next to her a set of scrub pants and clogs, and next to her, yoga pants and well manicured toenails.  All of us waiting to stroll into the next room.

"Myssi?"
Yeah, yeah...I'm ready.

The clean little room was familiar, seeing how I had just been here 1 week ago.  The radiologist tech asked me if I understood why I was here.
Yes, although I did not do too well in the cancer part of nursing school or radiology if you want to know so could you refresh me.

" They, meaning the Drs found a cluster of little calcifications on your breast.  they are tiny and grouped together like a constellation.  If they were big dots and even on both sides we wouldn't think anything, we would assume that is what your body does as it ages.  But since yours is grouped the way it is and we know it showed up within the last 4 years we want to get a magnified picture and look"

Ok.  Got it.
She was beyond kind as we smashed my boob every which way to Friday.  I chuckled as she grabbed my nipple and stretched my boob to it's limit and smashed to tissue paper thickness.  She smiled and said, "Well, I'm going to ask you not to get dressed and head back to the waiting area while I have the radiologist look at your slides"
I waited....
I waited 30 minutes...then 45 minutes...ladies came and went ...smiling....what about me?
shew...here she comes.
"Myssi?  The Dr wants to get one more view"
what?  my poor boob.  Ok  Back in.  this time she asks me to get on a table and throw my boob up onto a boob table and she smashes it from my armpit down.   Ouchie.  
"That should be good, lets have you go back out to the waiting area. "
wait , wait, wait....30 minutes more
"myssi?....I just want you to know that the radiologist wanted to call another dr for your slides.  Please don't worry, they just want to look them over together."

OK...don't worry...
The lady next to me, reading an old National Geographic, leaned over and said "First Callback?....Don't be too scared, remember it's only breast.  I'm on a callback too"

Another 30 minutes passed and the RN came out and waved me to the partition.   "Myssi, the Dr. would like you to come to his office so that we can talk to you.  We usually let people get dressed but he has the other Dr on the phone conferenced in, so let's just head over there now."  she smiles and puts her hand on my back.
Do I panic now?  No.  Be strong...it's just the office....nothing ever good happens when you get called to the office...ever.
The office was dark and tight, 5 big screens of my boobs were on the desk top monitor.  Wow...they look good lit up like that, nice shape....
"Have a seat.  Dr Booby, Myssi is here as is the RN I think we can talk now."
"So, your last mammo was about 4 years ago.  And just for the record you did nothing wrong by not having a yearly mammo.  There was no indication that you would have needed another.  Here is your last one up against your new ones."
I looked at them.  4 years ago.  smashed boob with lots of spider web looking colors, nothing spectacular....the new one....there it was.
"Myssi do you see this?  This is new, it is clearly something.  Right here is the older one, right here is the exact same spot on the new slides....see these little dots?"

"Fuck me" under my breath.

"We (the Doctors) have discussed this together so that we could give you the best advice.  Now most of the time, 85% of these are nothing.  We would just suggest a sit and wait for 6 months then get another mammogram and see if it changes.  But because of the shape and the time frame of us not knowing if this happened 6 months after your last mammogram or last year we suggest we don't delay any more treatment."  I sat in dumbfounded silence.  Smiling..."yes, ok...yup...that sounds reasonable"  "Our scheduling team is here today.  Joy, can you walk her over to scheduling and get her scheduled in?  Myssi, the biopsy may very likely show nothing.  It often does.  But we should make sure and get a definitive answer.  If it is cancer/precancerous cells we can start treatment quickly."  The Dr on the phone said " It would be our best advice for you right now, But please don't worry."
Ok...thank you Drs...thanks...
No tears or thoughts...i just told them thank you.
The Rn gently put her hand on my back and took me to the dressing rooms, " Let's get you dressed.  Take your time, you are my only patient today so I'll wait for you in the waiting area and we will get you scheduled.
I sat down on the pretty bench in the dressing room.  wow, really?  What happened to me having an early life heart attack?  How about that stroke I keep talking to my cholesterol levels about?  Really ?Breast Cancer?  That is stupid.  That was not on the table!
I got dressed and shook my head at the mess I was looking at in the mirror.  Ridiculous.
We scheduled the appointment for the biopsy. I was surprised how quickly they got me in.  literally in less than 4 days.  "We always keep a few slots open for callbacks"  Good, I guess...She handed me a pamphlet on breast cancer and biopsies and a phone number in case I needed to talk to someone...she handed me a list of things to do and not do before the procedure, and then looked me up and down and said , "you won't be able to workout for a week or so...or run, or lift...or whatever you do to stay fit.  We will see you next week."
That was it.  I said thank you, smiled and she took my arm and walked me from the office....like guiding a blind person.

the sun was blinding.
I sat in the car and looked at myself in the mirror.  wow...today was not the best day to give up drinking for Lent.

 haven't said anything.... I will wait for that Biopsy, which everyone online has assured me will be ok and it will show nothing.  But on the inside there is a bit of uneasiness.  A feeling of doom.

I put on my lipgloss, sunglasses, and drove myself to the brewery....where everyone knows my name :)   and had a beer and said nothing.


xo,
m

I Drug Tested my Teen

Yup, I sure did.  He's been acting weird.  He's been lying about weird things and not remembering anything.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  On the way home from work I stopped at Walgreens and got one of those drug tests that checks for anything and everything.  The little voice in my head said to be ready for what it might reveal, I told that voice to shut up.  I know...I know.

I got home, marched up the stairs handed him the cup and said,  "Look.  You have been acting the fool the lately, I don't know what's going on and I need to know.  Would you like to tell me what this is going to say before you pee in the cup?  it's your chance to be honest."  He looked me in the eye and said, "It's going to be clean"
I thought to myself...sure it is buddy...you apparently don't know how long that shit stays in your system.   I say, "you sure?  I'm doing this because I love you" (classic mom line)" Right now I don't trust you and I need to get you and us back on track.   Are you scared?"  He said , "yeah, just because it's weird, but I understand why you are doing it....and mom, It's going to be clean.  I haven't smoked pot in over a month, from the last big talk we had.... I decided then I had to stop."

off to pee

I had him set it on his dresser and we stuck the cardboard thing in with 8 windows to check everything from pot and alcohol to meth and heroine....and we waited.  10 minutes staring at his nice clear yellow pee and watching for the double red lines to appear in each window.   Ever so slowly the double sets of lines like 8 tiny pregnancy tests started to appear.  There was one which was a bit faint...."What's that one?"    That my son is THC...weed.  He looked at me then looked at the card and said "look the lines are there!...I TOLD you....one month or more it has been."

He was clean.  17 years old....and clean.   I was not clean of anything at 17.  You could have waved that card above my pee and it would say....FAIL.  I was happy for him, I was happy I could tell my other half...he's not on drugs...but not happy that it doesn't give us any reason for the decisions he is making.

Being a teen sucks ass.  I can mark the month on the calendar when things started to go from good decisions to I don't give a fuck decisions.  I can say I don't blame him.  The kid lost all his hair when he started high school....1 month later the kid contracted Tuberculosis.... 2 weeks later he got hit by a car on his bike and was charge with riding on the sidewalk  and had to pay for the rich lady's car who rolled a stop sign.  Is life fair?  Fuck no...but that doesn't mean I can baby my favorite child.
This kid was my savior, this kid I had plans for, this kid I spent days at home reading to him and using flash cards, and telling him how amazing he was.

this kid who is gifted and failing high school was not in my plan.

at least I can say it is not drug related...and I can also say that he gave me a hug afterwards, as I cried and told him why I am so scared for him...He just said..."Mom, I love you...I am not mad...I understand, I'm scared for me too sometimes ."....and maybe that is enough

Xo,
m

VD there is no real cure...

get some ointment.

For your listening and thinking pleasure of all my midlife friends, 

who have found love, 

have lost love, 

have made mistakes, 

have thought too much...

have looked in the wrong places

I heard eventually the fear goes away

You are Welcome

xo,

m

Sirens    

its time to finally come clean

and start 

fresh

if you would like to read the lyrics

Read it: Dear Girls Above Me

What I'm reading:
Dear Girls Above Me

more addictive than Post Secrets.


I'm attempting a book or more a month.  Which means I have thrown aside everything else.  I'm thinking of this as kind of a mini mind vacation, with occasional mind sex involved  (  I do have the 50 shades trilogy on hold at the library).

I get to sit on my ass, tune out and tune in.
Sounds great, huh


here's what I've completed so far.
Keith Richards Life      4 stars
Gone Girl        3 stars   ( the ending was horrible)

and I have 2 in the hopper.
what a life....

so while I rediscover my life, i will be noseying in on others.

Come on get Happy ...exes, teens, and everything in-between

"Do you think this is the life I wanted when I chose to move here?"

Uhhh, let me take an educated guess...no.

"Damn right"

Well, honestly, this is not exactly the fucking Partridge Family to me either.

Don't say anything you cant take back....don't say it. Bite your tongue.

For once my tongue has been bitten.  I will let everyone decide their fates.

You can't always be right, you can't always be happy, and you sure as shit can't always control what everyone else is doing.   The saddest most embarrassing part is dealing with a teenager who is constantly giving you the middle finger.  Bless his little heart.  Is this what I had thought would happen with my first born?   hell no.   I still dream of first dates and kids filling the basement, proms, and family vacations of fun.   Not exactly what is going on here right now.

I bite my tongue when my parent friends exclaim the intelligence of their children and the beauty and joy they bring.  The scholarships and college interviews.   The pictures of their teens sitting behind the wheel of their first car, so happy and ready to move forward with adulthood....everyone on the same page...stressful but joyful.

bwahahahhaha

The Ex rails me me with his passive aggressive parenting and blame game.  "It's your fault....it was YOUR decision...not mine."  "This is your fault."  

That is fine with me.  I'll take the blame, but if that is the case , get the hell out of the way and let me deal with it.  Not your way of dealing: " here, did your mom tell you there will be no more Internet?  Oh she said until your grades are a B avg. ?What a Bitch,  let me get you this phone, I'll pay for it  and here's a new iPad, just in case the computer won't work. "   

Hey jack ass, our kid needs a job, a car and some help getting his grades up....how about forking over some dough for a tutor?

How about for once, instead of saying " that is what I pay you for"...you do something.  How about you be a father instead of a playmate?  How about as they say...STEP UP TO THE PLATE.

The teen had a job...he got fired.  pretty awesome ,huh?  17 and all ready cant keep a job, all because he didn't feel like going and his dad said if he wasn't working every weekend he would take him snowboarding , but he seems to work all the time....here's a good thought .  Just don't go to work, go snowboarding and hope they don't really care.   Yeah, how did that work out?  

It's embarrassing.  

Almost horrifying to watch .

I'm losing my relationships due to not being able to handle all this.  I've all ready lost the man who used to make me laugh.  Nobody wants to be second or third.  I know I sure as heck don't , yet some how I have become last.

Isolated in a messed up home I designed all by myself.

This design is not working for me....

I'm investing in a wrecking ball...

so prepare yourself

m

Greg Kinnear....my other boyfriend

I love this guy.

Greg Kinnear.

He is kind of like the middle age woman's dream.

He's not too young, not too old....

still has a nice body

Not perfect, but yet quite appealing.

You dont feel quilty dreaming a lil dream about him

uh huh.

m

Disgust

miserable lives start within the heart.  It happens quite quickly, contrary to popular belief.  It can go from You are the most awesome greatest coolest smartest cutest I cant wait to be with you every minute of my life to, in one glance....disgust.
disgust.
You can't even find anything funny about that word.
the look shoots from the eyes in a blank, yet hateful, stare.  Amazing the eyes can tell so much.
Reminds me of dagger eyes my mom used to throw when I was young.
I have yet to perfect this glare, thank god.
I chose to never learn the glare....to change the pattern.

How hate can hold a person hostage for so long.  It eats them up inside.  Makes them grey in color....turns the hair grey.  turns the teeth grey....no light or shine emits from them any more when you look at them.  No longer can you look into their soul and see redeeming qualities....its just dark, cold, yuk....
They rot within.  Never wanting to change or attempt change.  No spark in the voice or beauty in the past, no glowing reviews for the talent they once had, and definitely no beautiful hope for the future.  Just rote, day by day.  Like clock work.   every day.
Tick Tock
Tick Tock

I wonder what it feels like, to dwell on the anger like this.  Does the brain just roll in and out of What ifs and Just waits?
To watch each season pass , each day with an angry word.  Hate...I hate this weather, I hate this place, I hate winter, I hate my job....I hate you....you disgust me.

~shivers~

It does not have to be that way.   your heart can change.   it has to have a want to change, so there may lie the problem.
Maybe you are a good person under neath it all.  You used to be.  Now no one wants to be near you...but you can change.  you can choose not to be grey.
You can break the grey, it wont be easy, but you can do it.
we can wait.   we have waited this long....
Letting go and seeing more than yourself...put yourself out there... change your day...
choose not to be an asshole.


write ya later,
m

New Year's...It's resolution time....Just be awesome

Here we go.  

As I get older I start to set my goals more in the medium range, with a few fancy ones thrown in.  One of my friends has a great way of thinking of her new goals.  Make a goal...then add a bonus.  I like that.

1. girls weekend getaway.

2. travel...alone.

3. Motorcycle ride, camp, ride.

4.  read a book every other month

5. run a 10k ( my friend has run a 10k a month on her list....whaccco!)

6. Pottery class

7. Art class

8. Writing class (  scares me)

9. yoga my heart, mind, soul

10 get a passport   (seems silly huh?  it just is a lot of paperwork)

and remember...

write ya later,

m