"up...get up. clean this house and life, sage that shit outta here.
You have an amazing family that needs you,
Let's perk up and
Live"
so....
up I am,
cleaning, jamming out to top 40, crying a bit and laughing a bit.
I sometimes laugh at the fact so many things have happened in the last year, yet things continue to move forward. As they should.
It's my absolute favorite time of year,
Spring
new beginnings....
and I am going to cherish it
I comically started cleaning and as I cleaned I thought I should probably start thinking about making nice nice with some of the people who pushed me to the side during the divorce.
Last thing I want to do is continue to carry anger around
I texted a few of the people who really hurt my heart.
Pretty sure they have not been thinking much about me,
yet I still think about them.
stupid empath qualities.
We did get invited to our first party since the divorce by old friends
and then
one of the couple got Covid
I wondered if it was really covid or the fact I was invited....
but that is the exact negative nelly shit I'm trying to avoid.
I'm clearing my list day by day.
Might be easier to bomb the list but it's something I need to do.
As the house fills with the smell of Fabuloso
I am starting to feel better.
I wish I could hug and kiss a few people I really miss
I wish I could get in a car and drive away for a few hours and think
I wish I could travel a bit more (which I may make happen regardless)
I wish people would stop by a bit more
and I hope this cleaning helps it all feel nice and new
My control has been out of the ball park lately, Seriously.
Out
of
the
park.
I'd like to tell you my crying factor has subsided, but no....
that is still hanging tight.
I can cry just thinking about shit...
Nothing even has to happen
but whatever.
One thing I no longer need to cry about??
My life.
My life is good.
but what surprises me, still, is how people want to gaslight.
in case you are confused:
"Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. It is a covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality."
People are dicks.
Honestly, we all are sometimes.
Holding onto anger and punishing is silly.
Be strong.
A long time ago a lovely therapist told me to let go of the things I cannot control.
It brings great relief.
She said I needed to try to understand that that what people are putting towards me is not about me, but about them...
and I laughed.
It made sense....
All those years, I knew I wasn't perfect, but I also knew I was
kind
beautiful
an empath
and
honest....
Until I couldn't be anymore.
I also learned that the people who matter most
ie: kids
They will find out the truth,
they figure it out
good.
That doesn't matter but what does is that they know I was there,
every damn day,
every day that I could barely get my own ass out of the bed or my mind straight
I got up
and did what I knew was best
I fought for them and loved them
and allowed them time to hate and to heal
I think that is pretty fucking awesome.
so,
when someone says
"I think you’re a horrible role model for children
I don’t agree with your way of parenting. I never have..."
I bite my tongue, shake my little head and laugh
as childish as it can be. it sums it all up
gaslighting no more.
The power of me and my knowledge and my freedom and my love
I just have to laugh...seriously....How long can this divorce last!???
papers have been filed....now I have to wait before I can buy house, buy a car, remove him from my insurance, shit....I can't even rent anything at this point.
it's insane.....but. whatever. It is going to be fine. But a year and a half for a divorce between 2 people who really have nothing is ridiculous. We have spent more in lawyer fees than we probably make in a year. Because of him. I'll leave that there. I was willing to give him half of everything, the house ....etc....but he fought it.
whatever.
So, here I am.
waiting still
I have said this a million times. I laugh that it seems so simple
I just want to live and be happy. I want to laugh and take care of the people in my life.
I want to have abs,
I want to have a house in CR...
I want to have sex, good sex,
I want my kids to be happy,
I want my ex lovers to see my beauty....
I want to travel,
I want to be able to ride a gravel bike with my friends ...and not die....
Soon. soon they say.
I dont want to buy a 450k house, (which still needs updated)
because that is all that is available....
I'd rather live in a shack in CR
I dont want to rent
I want my kid to be happy
I want my lover to be happy
I want my friends to still love me
I don't want people to say "wow that was fast"
because....
it was not fast. it was miserably slow. 10 years of the 19 were mostly sad, and self deprecating, and not living life to my fullest. so ,NO ! it wasn't fast. Shut your mouth. Let me live ...
I have been back a couple of days and have been working on my FEMA tests to become a reservist...
because maybe that is why this all happened...
my mind keeps wandering to my last few days.
Demobilization was just that.
I had 24 hours to say good-bye, clean my room, and get a flight.
I did all three....
alone and with much thought.
My room was left just as I had entered it except for a box of chocolates, 20$ bill, and a thank you note to the cleaning staff that continued to work the "dirty floor" at the Sheraton for us.
it was the least I could do.
I shut the door at 450 am, just like I had been doing for the last 22 days but this time I was heading home.
My stomach rolling with anxiety, and maybe some fear of moving forward, when I really wanted to stay, or at the least move sideways.
{This may be a long post}
The last day at Jacobi Hospital was, as I said, bittersweet. I spent the day saying goodbye to nurses, residents, and doctors, who came around after hearing "Colorado" was leaving today. I teared up every time someone said, thank you....you brought a light that was desperately needed in this area.
I fought for my last 2 patients:
One, to discharge home so that I knew she was safe and also so that I could wheel her out, as I promised I would when she was on 80L of oxygen and I was questioning the sustainability of her life.
and the second: to stay alive ....just stay alive.
All the patients who were directly under my care lived, except for 2, that I am aware of. They were my ICU patients. They were only in my care for a couple of days.
The other ones,
even the one who kept asking if he was going to die....made it out.
Wait, except for Teresa....she is still in.
Mamacita....
she spoke no English and for 20 days we used hand signals and occasional yelling to communicate.
From ventilator to Hiflo oxygen to hopefully home...
here was my day
The two women shared a room, no private rooms in covid central. One a younger social worker who fought like hell everyday to get better, and my job was to keep telling her she was getting out alive.
the other a much older hispanic woman who was slowly giving up on life and everyday I begged her to breathe...to eat the horrible hospital food, and to to move her feet so that she didn't get blood clots and die of that.... opposed to Covid.
For 20 days straight, minus the one day I got floated to another area, I walked into the room and picked up and removed all the garbage ( housekeeping was swamped and short staffed), I emptied and cleaned all bedside commodes, wiped every surface with bleach wipes, made sure Jackie and Teresa got their teeth cleaned, gowns changed, and bed linens changed (even if it meant I had to go to different areas to find what I needed).
every morning...
and every evening before I left...
I did it again.
They came to know I was fighting for them...I wanted the area clean so that they could get well.
If they were able to get to the bedside commode it was required by me...
No one gets to sit in diapers,
they must move to keep the blood flowing and to facilitate breathing.
I "suggested" they prone, or Tummy Time as we called it, and actually made a time frame for when they should do it so that we could check to off our to "do list."
Proning is one of the most effective ways to open the lungs during Covid. It is a proven help.
I wrote my name, date, goals and Dr names on the white boards so that they knew what was going on.
And when I knew what type of food they liked, or would at least try to eat, I would trade other nurses one thing for another and even bring stuff from the hotel or my personal lunch so I knew that they at least got something in their bellies.
Jackie, the younger of the 2 was making wonderful progress, she became the voice for Teresa...updating me every morning to what the night had held and what bullshit might have happened, or setbacks and began to translate for Teresa through the curtain divider.
this became our needed norm.
Teresa at one point took a turn for the worse and oxygen needs went up quickly. I begged her to breathe, and to leave the mask on which she would pull off in her hypoxic state. I sat next to the bed and held the mask to her face and told her she needed to get better...
for her kids and grand kids...
I thought....
she is going to die today...
fuck
I finally pulled open the curtain which separated them and said, "Jackie help me talk to her, please"
and they saw each other for the first time...
I asked Jackie , " please tell her...tell her she needs to breathe, she needs to be on her tummy when I ask and she needs to live...not to give up"
Jackie barked at her in Spanish and something changed....
to me it looked as if being able to see each other they became fighters on the same team.
They were in the battle together.
It took a couple of days but Teresa began to get better.
I was able to get Jackie's Hi Flo machine when she no longer needed it...
I slid it over, got everything together, and set the settings as I had watched the therapists do for the past 2 weeks...then grabbed a respiratory therapist to double check the settings and I put it on Teresa.
This meant no full face mask....she was able to drink water and take a bite of food without her oxygen level dropping to 70%
She could talk on the phone....she could sleep.
I felt like a secret agent hero getting that machine to her without anyone's help.
There were so many doctors rounding I'm sure they just thought one of the other doctors ordered it. I just charted it and kept it maintained and no one asked where it came from .
The day I left,
the doctors were slow to get everything in place for Jackie to discharge to home. She needed an oxygen tank and for some reason they could not get the paper work together.
I called every dr I had come in contact with...
I begged them to send her home...she only needed 1L of oxygen for when she got home and needed to ambulate.
"There are no tanks."
I quietly suggested that she call the insurance and tell them she would purchase her own tank...go around the doctor orders and take care of it herself.
She did...
it worked...
they still wouldn't sign discharge orders so she left Against Medical Advice and I wheeled her out to her car and her husband she had not seen in more than a month.
When she got home she texted me pictures of her new Oxygen tank, an oximeter, and correspondence with her insurance that it would all be taken care of.
Yes! Home
(she changed my life)
Before she had left, Teresa realized she was going to be alone and begged for me to get her home too...before Mother's Day
She cried and cried and Jackie kept telling me she wants to go home for Mothers Day...it is a huge deal.
she can't...she is not ready.
I cried too...
I cried because it was my last day and I didn't get her out....
I went to my google app and translated to Spanish:
You will get better
You will see your family
You are strong
and You are my heart
so please, keep breathing...
today is my last day but you are going to be ok
I can promise you that
I asked Jackie to help me get her granddaughters phone number, which she did and I was able to find her on Face Book, contact her, and tell her who I was and that her Abuela needed them...and we would like to face time.
she said give me 5 minutes and call me back.
I took the letter I wrote to Teresa ...she read it, cried, grabbed me and hugged me so tight( which we are Not supposed to do) folded the letter up kissed it and put it where her bra would be if she was wearing something other than a hospital gown.
Then I showed her my phone
and hit the dial button.
Up popped her family...and the screaming and crying began.
She had not seen them in over 37 days
they cried and cried and we said hello and laughed and I gave her the phone with a battery charger from Nurse Chuck and told her to take her time...
2 hours later...she handed me the phone and kissed my hands.
before I left that evening,
Nurse Chuck and Nurse Ivey came in the quiet room where Teresa was, now without a roommate, and soon to be without her nurse...
and we promised she would get to FaceTime again on Mother's Day
That was Wednesday
Sunday afternoon I received texts from Ivey and Chuck that the FaceTime would start at 11 rain or shine.
people are good
I sent her a video to Ivey's phone saying
Feliz dia de la Madre
Mi Amore
Ivey said Teresa watched it about 10 times and kissed my face on her phone, held it to her heart and cried.
I'm going to miss her
I do miss her
and I actually ask about her every morning....
I send a text " what's the oxygen"
and they just answer with a number and a thumbs up.
When I got home the first random message I got was from a lady stating that they heard the nurses were killing patients....letting them die. That they weren't treating them with medication,
that no one gave a shit....
that the old and weary got left to die so that someone else could get the equipment....
that people were working above their knowledge base which in turn was for sure doing damage.
I cried when I got that text...
I cried because yes....everyone was working above their knowledge base...there is no treatment for Covid except ventilator, vitamin C, Zinc. proning, and luck...We did not do compressions when someone coded....because it spreads the virus everywhere and it wasn't safe...but that didn't mean we weren't trying. We all did are best and many are still there, still cleaning up and continuing to finish their job in NYC.
all I can say is, wear your mask...
take your vitamins,
and know that there will always be a nurse to care for you
I always find it difficult starting in the middle of the year.
so lets start here
Hiked Mount Sanitas and saw these prefect pinecones.
It was a beautiful day, temp was above 37 and the sun shining.
It helped clear my mind.
New Year New You...
I believe this may be a bit of bullshit, yet I still often buy in.
I want change. I want to be a better version of me....
and sometimes for me I need to set goals.
Ya know...
a vision board.
This year I have been doing some life changes.
the weirdest part of this is how many others feel the need to be part of my life changes.
Many who were dear friends who I now realize are not the people I had thought they were . Im thinking they aren't the people they pretend they are either.
When people have dramatic change, such as divorce...we don't need people to start passing judgment and being dicks. Needed are friends who realize, "hey, maybe I don't know the entire story....maybe I am being a bit hypocritical....maybe I should help be supportive and just be here."
I haven't found this to be the case.
pretty funny.
People who have not a lot of wiggle room to pass judgement on a situation they will never know the closed door stories to, and really don't need to know, or better yet....should have no reason to even want to know.
It's amazing how many people are super invested in my personal life right now, but only the shit show part.
A significant person in my life states,
"this too shall pass....they will come around and love you again."
let me say something.
I am a grand person.
I love hard, I support people, even when I may not agree 100%, I can say I give more than I receive and I like it that way.
At tis point I am being asked to attend functions where I may cross paths with these wonderful people I had loved so much who have chosen to not even ask what happened....
I am to be kind and smile....
and let them come back around?
hmmm
funny thing is...
even at 50
I'm afraid I might pop one in the nose or even worse,
I'll pop off at the mouth.
I don't think I want them in my life....
even if they do "come around"
is it worth it.
and what the hell keeps me from yelling all the shit I know...?
about my situation, which hasn't been stated....and about all these hypocrites who feel they are way more righteous than me?
I bite my tongue everyday.
funny thing is....
I am just sitting here.
living.
smiling....
working....
waiting....
I refuse to let this take over my life.
as a good man said to me
" the best revenge is living a happy life"
I'm trying.
new year new me?
well it's day 1
let's see how this red carpet unrolls.
and yes....
Karma is a bitch...
her and I are friends....
we are quite familiar....
my karma received will be worth every stress given into it.
Week 2.5 at the new job and today was what I consider a cluster.
Not the happy kind of cluster,
like a yummy cluster of grapes,
more like a conspiracy of lemurs or a cluster of angry bees.
To say the least, it was not pretty. Not pretty at all.
New job:
Circulating RN in surgery for eyeballs.
Yeah, you got it...who the hell decides they want to be a nurse for eyeball doctors?
Well, I'll tell you who....the person who thinks, "sure, why not...? It's always good to try something new, learn a little, make more money...how hard can it be?"
Yeah
how hard could it be....?
I'm gonna say it is about as hard as trying to get out of a too tight sports bra after a 5 mile hot and sweaty run....
very hard....not graceful and a bit comical.
Good thing my skin is thick and I can fret and freak yet know that I can say ,"fuck it"... I don't know what I am doing and they can suck it.... period
and no one died....it's eyeballs, not brains or hearts....
EYEBALLS.
oh and no one went blind.
Typical of any job, they apparently feel that 2 weeks training is sufficient. Which I think is probably a good standard for pulling weeds or cleaning cat boxes, but sterile field? Sheesh, I can barely get my thong underwear on in the correct direction,
so maintaining sterile field with 10 people counting on you needs more than 2 weeks.
One surgeon said to me....
"you ARE a nurse...you must have learned this at one point."
Well, yeah....and you are a doctor, you must have learned how to slam an IV into a neck vein in a hurry at some point too, but I'm guessing if I asked you to do it now it would be difficult...
But after all you are a Doctor.
butthole
With that said,
I am basically on my own on Monday, with one week training in the Operating Room....but, don't fear, I'm not doing the surgeries....so that is a plus....
but I am mixing all the medications and making sure all runs smooth.
I have been a bit absent due to the circumstances of breast illness and stress. I would like to happily report that I was finally able to have my "breast sparing lumpectomy" on 4/30. I was very nervous seeing how this was my very first surgery. I had kept all this information to myself for a few months now and was emotionally ready to find out the answer.
I arrived at the hospital at 7 am to prepare for the placement of the wire into my breast. this is called a wire guided stereo mammogram. The Dr. uses mammogram to place a wire into your breast up to the titanium chip which marks the cancerous area. To me, it wasn't bad. they give you some lidocaine and you drop your boob into a hole onto a table and they work from below. I felt as long as I didn't think too much about it I was fine. When he is done they take your for a soft mammogram (no such thing) to make sure the wire is in the right place then off to the pre-surgery area. When I arrived into pre-surgery my blood pressure was up to the 150s ,which is unusual for me. I was so scared. As they started setting me up I just started blubbering like an idiot and the RNs stood there aghast. " its ok.. its ok, we are going to take care of you. You wont feel anything" I knew all this but the emotion just poured out. I was finally able to get my shit together and crack a few jokes and they felt it was safe enough to leave me in the tiny room to watch TV and relax.
45 minutes later I had signed all consents, spoke to the surgeon and then the Anesthesiologist. He was great, told me everything he was going to do and all was well in the world.
Next thing I remember was him saying, " do you feel that?" Feel what...? the burning in my IV? and he says , "yup. " with a big smile and I remember the oxygen mask coming towards me and hearing him laugh and saying, " nighty night, Red".
I woke up an hour or so later in recovery. I had no nausea, was thirsty, but no pain. I sat around there for a while then was sent home.
I felt great. no pain...no nausea....no pain. they had placed a Scopolamine patch behind my ear for the nausea and it worked wonders.
I was to leave everything in place and wear a big booby binder for 72 hours.
day 3 i removed the binder. not bad.
the lump they removed was about 2"x3" so my one breast was smaller and sitting up a little higher from the swelling and where she stitched me up. I really couldn't complain. the only stupid thing I did was remove the patch from behind my ear thinking I was fine and for 3 days I was unable to eat with my stomach rolling. no puking...just uncomfortable.
bandage
9 o'clock stitch from armpit to nipple. could be worse.
Monday 5/5 : I received my results after a long 6 days of waiting. The Surgeon was able to remove the mass with no cancer left behind. or what they call clean margins. no other cancerous cells found.
I was so excited. yet the strange thing was it hasn't eased my mind. not sure if this is normal. I woke up last night with chest pain and was afraid I was having a heart attack. I'm sure it was anxiety, seeing as I am still alive this afternoon. But I'm still a nervous wreck.
I go back for my checkup tomorrow.
I am hoping I am not having a heart attack
and I am off work for another week or so, but with not much energy to do anything.
Happy New Year, 2013. I slept right through it. I did wake at 11:58, just in time to hear a few gunshots ,then right back to sleep.
Today we started the day with cleaning of the teen's room. 2 hours of inhaling his dead skin flakes ,lost hair, and forcing him to part with clothes he has had since 7th grade. He was finally able to sit in a clean area and start the New Year fresh.
We lounged about in our jammies, read, played the ukeleles and knit. It was glorious.
In order to keep with the spirit ofthe new year we had our daily juice., which I am going to share .
Every year I say this and that. I can't even go back to look for fear of how depressing it could be.
I'm thinking this year: Not so extreme.
Stay healthy….I will do that by running when I feel like it, working out at least 3 times a week and my big one; try to only have drinks one day a week. That should kill me dead by January 7th.
I want to do more art. Mostly because I suck and it helps me concentrate and try to get out of my head a bit. It may even help me finish a few things.
I really like the idea of starting things. BIG PLANS, you know. Start a project, buy everything, start it, then realize, wow, I have to clean this shit up. This is definitely not as much fun as it looked on Pinterest.
Eff You Pinterest.
Another goal.
Continue my secret meditation practice and my readings from different teachers. I do actually realize I'll never hit Nirvana, but I can shoot for Prahna, right?
Yoga, meditation and a few less beers may bring me a wee bit closer to the right level.
I'll tell you one thing. I attempted to find Zen in cleaning the paintbrushes today after Olive and I had arts and crafts.
digipic of Clint Eastwood. hard to see unless you are avout 40 feet back. Squint your eyes uo
Olive working on Harajuki . She is quite the artist.
They say life hands you only what you can handle... and I guess in a sense I believe that. Because, you know, really, only a select few roll up in a ball and die from life's basic hardships.
(If you have had somebody roll up in a ball, I'm sorry...I'm just saying)
So, this morning when Bob emailed me and said we will be paying child support until Step Son graduates I was more than thrilled. I was, shall I say, UN understanding.
It's a long story, but let me just say this, he may never graduate and then we pay until he's 21.
That is Divorce for you.
On top of child support payments, which really is just money. I'm dealing with a certain someone in my life going through a midlife crisis. I all ready had mine, hence Nursing School and life change....now I just want a sport car to go with my small penis...which I can't afford due to child support payments.
When the other half of a relationship, male side, goes through a life change it can be detrimental to the entire world, let alone to the family.
Most of the time they aren't quite cut out to make spur of the moment decisions and instead sit moping like Eeyore on a log.
What do do about this?
I'll tell you.
Medicate.
I am pushing for Zoloft or something...I will continue to medicate with microbrew, but I think Zoloft is in the future of this household.
As a woman, I'm not allowed to make crazed suggestions such as:
1. HallPass...go do what you need to do if it helps.
2. Move to Ca. like you want...see how it works out....
3. Change Jobs!!!! (too simple for a 46 year old)
4. Back to School?
5. Do some community work...(that is an asinine idea for a depressed person)
Letting someone live their life is a gift. I am suggesting that to this person.
Do what your heart tells you! Because that is what I want to do, but I CAN'T because I can't rationalize with a person who won't live their life.
ok...enough of that malarky.
Things will get better. They almost always do and sometimes that is the worst part...
the :"OMG I actually survived that part of life, now I have to do something else" Syndrome.
I have spent the past 2 hours of a snow day explaining to Olive again and again why we can not go outside to sled in a windchill of -40.
It's the same reason the dog is crapping in front of the dog door on the inside of the house opposed to going out the dog door!
On top of all that...I've worked up a sweat and I stink.
Can you flippin believe it? I can't. It came too fast. I didn't finish last years chores so now I must double up. Its ok. I'm ready I think. I got a good start last year so it should make this year easier.
I hope to lose my hips this year, so trivial, but I like to start low.
I want to try to become a better parent....(this is the tough one)
Possibly quit drinking?...(not too sure about this one)
I want to learn a new language...( I wish it didn't have to be Spanish)
How about some Travel this year?
I got a good one, How about indulging in a little whoopie once in a while?
(and not by myself)
Is there a book in the future? we'll see.
well...
theres the start of the list.
I have some work focuses I want to achieve,
but I'll keep that to my self.
A note on last year.
I never finished my 365 days :(
maybe I'll try it again...naaa
too much pressure
gonna go knit now.
