Sage That Shit

 Or at least Fabuloso it.

I woke up this morning and said,

 "up...get up. clean this house and life, sage that shit outta here. 

You have an amazing family that needs you,

Let's perk up and 

Live"

so....

up I am,

cleaning, jamming out to top 40, crying a bit and laughing a bit.

I sometimes laugh at the fact so many things have happened in the last year, yet things continue to move forward. As they should.

It's my absolute favorite time of year, 

Spring

new beginnings....

and I am going to cherish it

I comically started cleaning and as I cleaned I thought I should probably start thinking about making nice nice with some of the people who pushed me to the side during the divorce.

Last thing I want to do is continue to carry anger around

I texted a few of the people who really hurt my heart.

Pretty sure they have not been thinking much about me,

yet I still think about them.

stupid empath qualities.

We did get invited to our first party since the divorce by old friends

and then

one of the couple got Covid

I wondered if it was really covid or the fact I was invited....

but that is the exact negative nelly shit I'm trying to avoid.

I'm clearing my list day by day.

Might be easier to bomb the list but it's something I need to do.

As the house fills with the smell of Fabuloso

I am starting to feel better.

I wish I could hug and kiss a few people I really miss

I wish I could get in a car and drive away for a few hours and think

I wish I could travel a bit more (which I may make happen regardless)

I wish people would stop by a bit more 

and I hope this cleaning helps it all feel nice and new

new. 

that's where we are right now today

starting this little journey new

xo

write ya later 

m

and yes,

new days 

new experiences

new feelings and

it's going to be ok

more postitive vibes

m

Just breathe

I'll miss you

I mean I do miss you 

already

meet you on the other side

 

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,

Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands

The ones I love,

Some folks just have one,

Yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,

Let's just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,

Never gonna let me win, aw-huh,

Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,

Yeah, I don't wanna hurt her, there's so much in this world

To make me believe.

Stay with me,

You're all I see.

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,

No one knows this more than me.

As I come clean.

I wonder everyday

As I look upon your face, aw-huh,

Everything you gave

And nothing you would take, aw huh

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Did I say that I need you?

Oh, did I say that I want you?

Or if I didn't I'm a fool you see,

No one knows this more than me.

As I come clean, ah

Nothing you would take,

Everything you gave.

Love you till I die,

Meet you on the other side.

xo

m

Parenting with no Handbook. Death Part 2: .......64 Liters of Tears

I am not sure how a body can continue to produce so many tears,

they just continue

to flow....

stop. I say....

just stop

but they don't, 

The average person cries 64 Liters of tears in their lifetime and I am going to say this does not include trauma.

As the week has passed it only appears to get harder for the loved ones trying to find answers.
To sort through the life of what is left

"everyone has a secret life" I said as he sorts through all that remains.

Old purses, notebooks, clothes, bags....

I just didn't know, Mom....I just didn't know.

knowing the love was so strong, treasures were found with the evils 

but it is neither here nor there....

it really doesn't change anything

except to one.

He had to adult in a way no young person should have to.

Her mom requested he arrange everything she would want....

because, in all honesty, he knew her. 

They talked about death

He knew what she would want

She would want a natural burial...

no chemicals, maybe buried under a tree....

with a crown of flowers, like a princess.

So, that is what they did.

3/24/19

Her body was transferred to a small place where she could be seen once again,

before her soul would be set completely free.

My heart broke for him....

I was nervous for him....

death is not only cruel, but often ugly.

She was gently placed upon a table and he was allowed to go in alone...

Just him and her....

he told me, "Mom, she is so beautiful. I am so thankful I got to see her like this....and let go of the last time I saw her.

I kissed her and held her....

and we talked."

He dressed her in the vintage robe she wore at home, 

washed her hair and anointed her body with beautiful oils.

He traced the deep Y-incision with his warm hands upon her cold chest.

She was draped with a beautiful white cloth 

He placed his carefully made crown upon her head and spread fresh flowers delicately around her

Beautiful

She was so beautiful 

His lover, His best friend, His Muse.

Beautiful

He stood for 5 hours, one hand on her heart and one hand holding the other....

Beautiful

I met them for a short time and I cried at her beauty.

no makeup, perfect freckles, and lips still perfectly full.

The crown of flowers was perfect.

I cried for her, for him and for her mother...

I held her cold hand and whispered

"safe travels beautiful girl, safe travels....Keep Ilin safe from above"

I kissed her perfectly cold cheek

my heart broken.

"I will never love again....

I should have proposed....

I shouldn't have fallen asleep that night....

I should have known"

But you didn't 

and there is nothing you could have changed.

There is only a short in-between in this situation, my sweet boy.

It unfortunately, was inevitable...

you even said,

"I knew this would happen eventually ..."

xo,

M