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Spent some me time today.  

Made a commitment , again, to myself that I will take care of my mind, body and soul....

while I still can.

Went to the gym this morning at 545 am.  Goddamn I hate that place

I'm not sure how everyone feels so comfortable there.

I walk in, hope that the equipment I want to use is available and if it isn't....

I kind of walk around in circles waiting.

It's ridiculous.

Got it over with and got the heck out.

Decided it was such a beautiful day I would go for a bike ride because , honestly...how will I ever do a 100 mile gravel ride if I never ride my bike except for the day we go for the 100 mile ride.

I did a quick 8.12 miles. 

happy with that.

and am now treating myself with a beer while I contemplate life.

Here's what I am contemplating.

where does a grown ass adult find a new best friend?

You may think I'm being funny...

but I'm being serious.

After losing Sissy, I realized she has been my only girlfriend for years.

I have had some work friends and some so so friends 

but no one who can even remotely take the place of Sissy

I don't want a replacement, but  maybe it's not healthy to not have any friends

I take that back...

I have Scooter....

but he moved away.

It will be just fine.

I got things to do.

Life to live

I'm so inspired right now I am actually gonna shower and shave my armpits.

yup...

the song came up on my playlist today while I was riding.

it's old

but I like it

if you know of a new friend for me

let me know

thanks

m

 I'm walking in the shadows of my tempted soul

Time is ticking by

I'm chatting with this bottle of wine

I know that I'm not perfect

I'll admit that I'm a fool

Everytime I'm lost

I'm always finding my way back to you, the one

I need when I'm awake

Take me home

I wanna go

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am.

I can see what he was thinking

It's so easy if you try

Killing yourself with a silver dagger just to show how much you love

Is worth the pain

Then to hear her cry your name

Take me home (slow down my heart)

I wanna go (I'm breaking apart)

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am

And I can't go on, I can't live like this

And we can't get back the time we've wasted

No I can't go on, I can't live like this

Take me home (slow down my heart)

I wanna go (I'm breaking apart)

And I'm sorry, I can't love you

I'm sorry, I can't make you see who I am

Just breathe

I'll miss you

I mean I do miss you 

already

meet you on the other side

 

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,

Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands

The ones I love,

Some folks just have one,

Yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,

Let's just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,

Never gonna let me win, aw-huh,

Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,

Yeah, I don't wanna hurt her, there's so much in this world

To make me believe.

Stay with me,

You're all I see.

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,

No one knows this more than me.

As I come clean.

I wonder everyday

As I look upon your face, aw-huh,

Everything you gave

And nothing you would take, aw huh

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Did I say that I need you?

Oh, did I say that I want you?

Or if I didn't I'm a fool you see,

No one knows this more than me.

As I come clean, ah

Nothing you would take,

Everything you gave.

Love you till I die,

Meet you on the other side.

xo

m

On This Harvest Moon .....I'm still in love with you

 Life is strange...

and beautiful

10/10/21

💙

I will keep this simple 

we waited a long time 

for this 

people may say otherwise,

but they did not see the love in his eyes

for me

for her

for us

and her happiness with a new chapter

and family who opened their arms

to her broken wings

and loved her.

just as he loves us

To the people I did not tell

there was a reason or 

reasons

fear,

selfishness

not wanting to answer the questions

To the people who knew

I thank you...

we thank you...

for your beautiful support through the last 2 years

and for all the 

love you have sent

There are still many people I love and hope to never lose in my life...

ever

you all know who you are 

and my love and friendship will forever be here

A new, beautiful, loving chapter is about to begin for us

And a time to begin to heal 

not just my heart but the 

hurt I carried with me

xo,

write ya later

m

Leah.....Infinity and beyond

Arriving on Friday afternoon was like walking into the past.  Landing in my home town, in which I escaped from so many years ago, held a feeling I didn't realize I had in me.  

Home....Old home....history home

I drove the Miracle Strip to my destination 

not really worrying about time or distance, and you know what ? 

I arrived...

no stress.

That was the last part of my 

"stress"

Well, honestly it wasn't stress it was something I am unable to describe....

but it was something.

I'm just going to type what I feel.

Not sugar coat anything for anyone 

because, honestly, this is for my heart and a way to sort out feelings

 

We sat and reminisced , and really did whatever she felt well enough to do.

Would it have been easier if she was literally on her last day?   maybe for me.

but I was thankful for this time.

We ate...

and I welcomed that.

She had a rough night....and that made my heart break.

As we talked we discussed life and death and the untimely way it shows up.

She told me she wasn't scared to die anymore.

She had a dream

She dreamt (or not) that she was above her body, she said,

 " I was looking down on my body and I wasn't scared. Not at all.  I was fascinated....my body was like transparent and I could see every vein in my body...it was glowing the most beautiful blue.  Myssi, I wasn't scared. But what did amaze me was that I could feel warmth and comfort.  I realized we have one life and we need to love and be the best we can. My body looked so amazing under me...

then as I was looking around, there was a warmth and I swooped back down into my body in the bed.

Thats when it was weird because I wasn't sure if I was actually dead or alive. I knew I needed some water, so I slowly got up and walked to the bathroom to get a sip.  I still felt weird so I still wasn't sure what was real or not.  the retrieval of water went well in the bathroom so I thought , what the hell, I'm hungry so Im heading to the kitchen for watermelon.  By my 5th bite of watermelon I knew I was alive....but what I saw and felt was very real."

"but I'm not scared"

Well, I'm scared.

The reality that we are no longer young and invincible. 

We are older and we may not have long to live.

Friends are passing and there is really nothing we can do.

I text her every day.

I look to see if she has turned on her phone.

The past 3 days she turns on her phone and sends this :

I'm guessing this may be the last bit of conversation I have with her.

It has been 22 hours with no check in.

E

I

E

A

love you,

m

 

Me and , well, just me

Try to make it good….do good….be good.

We can do this 

:)

this is me.  I dont take very many pics of myself, but because of the new hair, I went for it.

I always look so big in pics.  Actually I'm 5 foot tall.  This new hair added 7 inches.

The Gknight ride for Oskar Blues in Longmont.  I got a bit dressed up.

Any way, thought I would just let you know I am still alive.

I'm getting older by the minute and apparently nothing can slow down time….

Not even a great big albino afro

360 days of my life #163

One more week of summer and the mini me's hit the pool.

Is this a preview of what is to come for the girls teen years?  We haven't a clue...

but Synda and I are really, really scared.

I'm not jokin' ya.

xo 

m