Leah.....Infinity and beyond

Arriving on Friday afternoon was like walking into the past.  Landing in my home town, in which I escaped from so many years ago, held a feeling I didn't realize I had in me.  

Home....Old home....history home

I drove the Miracle Strip to my destination 

not really worrying about time or distance, and you know what ? 

I arrived...

no stress.

That was the last part of my 

"stress"

Well, honestly it wasn't stress it was something I am unable to describe....

but it was something.

I'm just going to type what I feel.

Not sugar coat anything for anyone 

because, honestly, this is for my heart and a way to sort out feelings

 

We sat and reminisced , and really did whatever she felt well enough to do.

Would it have been easier if she was literally on her last day?   maybe for me.

but I was thankful for this time.

We ate...

and I welcomed that.

She had a rough night....and that made my heart break.

As we talked we discussed life and death and the untimely way it shows up.

She told me she wasn't scared to die anymore.

She had a dream

She dreamt (or not) that she was above her body, she said,

 " I was looking down on my body and I wasn't scared. Not at all.  I was fascinated....my body was like transparent and I could see every vein in my body...it was glowing the most beautiful blue.  Myssi, I wasn't scared. But what did amaze me was that I could feel warmth and comfort.  I realized we have one life and we need to love and be the best we can. My body looked so amazing under me...

then as I was looking around, there was a warmth and I swooped back down into my body in the bed.

Thats when it was weird because I wasn't sure if I was actually dead or alive. I knew I needed some water, so I slowly got up and walked to the bathroom to get a sip.  I still felt weird so I still wasn't sure what was real or not.  the retrieval of water went well in the bathroom so I thought , what the hell, I'm hungry so Im heading to the kitchen for watermelon.  By my 5th bite of watermelon I knew I was alive....but what I saw and felt was very real."

"but I'm not scared"

Well, I'm scared.

The reality that we are no longer young and invincible. 

We are older and we may not have long to live.

Friends are passing and there is really nothing we can do.

I text her every day.

I look to see if she has turned on her phone.

The past 3 days she turns on her phone and sends this :

I'm guessing this may be the last bit of conversation I have with her.

It has been 22 hours with no check in.

E

I

E

A

love you,

m

 

drunkard and braless

Lord, I drank way too much yesterday. 

Way. Toooooo. Much

It's ok, it gave me a much needed break from reality and thinking about things.

 I put on a frumpy dress, slapped on some sunscreen and mascara, and we headed to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival.

My downfall was the liquor samples.

they were tasty, especially in the 100 degree weather. 

You know what was nice?   

Over the past few weeks I have been trying to get my head back together, in the way of not thinking about what others may view me as.

I have been working out and looking the way I want to look for me.

hell, Today I am braless.  0 fucks given. 

well, I am braless mostly because I feel too crappy hungover to put on a bra. But it is still liberating.

This week my schedule is full. Work my 4 10's. I have my last 12 hour clinical. And I need to write a senior outcomes paper.  Within this week I also hope to work out twice and attempt to get some chores done.   I got this. 

I guess I will wash my bras too because I don't think my fear factor is to the level of going braless to work, plus it is probably highly inappropriate.

Im not that fearless ....yet

write ya later,

m

White is not the new Black...or Brown

I feel like this, take it for whatever you think.

Looks cozy huh?

I woke up early after a night of crazy dreams and thoughts.

I have been watching Sons Of Anarchy on netflix and it gives me stress.

Seems odd when I think of it, considering I did my punk rock years growing up around skinheads, bikers and many fist fights.

That must be the only reason I can't handle even watching them on TV anymore.  Because I know when that fist hits the jaw, people don't just fall over, they see dancing bears on unicycles and sometimes don't rise very quickly.

Seeing all the Aryan Nation stuff on the show reminds of my college days in Gainesville.

Something many people would not even fathom.

In Fl. the Aryan Nation is quite a recruiting team.  You know, the Army, Airforce, Marines, then the Young Nationals.  

Nice white shirts, suspenders, shiny boots and that great 9th grade education.

(they like to keep the lower end dumb)

Often mistaken for Mormons or boyscouts.

I was never afraid, although maybe I should have been.

They ran in my circle of people, I knew them, drank beer with them, went to shows with them...they seemed fine to me...

until they started spouting off their pea brained ideas.  But if it was just to see a Bad Brains show, they were the ones to go with.

People moved out of the way, you always got front and center, and they actually treated the girls with respect.

They don't always come looking like this:

pretty easy to see and avoid...

because sometimes they look like this:

link to article

and the one above usually has a family attached to it.

An often normal looking family unless you see the dad in his swimtrunks and can see the markings.

So, what I'm saying is...back to the point.

Sons of Anarchy gives me nightmares, because I remember living around it.

Maybe its what shaped my "be open to all"

atitude now.

Maybe this is also why I don't think an eye for an eye is the right thing in all events.

People have the right to their own ideas and beliefs in America....

From Left to Right, gay to straight, white to black, and yellow to brown.

That is why people come here.

we can't just live in fear of the person sitting next to us on the plane...

There are different beliefs all around us, in each and every state and country.

I'm not saying : if you can't beat them join them....

I'm saying :

Be the change you want to see.

Mingle, discuss intelligently, listen with open ears, and do the right thing.

Everyone deserves an opinion and a voice, even if it is stupid...(you know what I mean)

and don't watch Son's of Anarchy before bed

 write ya later

m

I didn't tell anyone

I was up all night last night thinking about how I would explain my situation to friends and family. You see, I snuck off and took my licensing for LPN on the 7th. The test sucked. I'm a smart chick...pride myself in figuring things out. This test is a CAT which bases each question off your previous question...I believe the main goal is to prove you can safely take care of a patient and know how to delegate your priorities in odd situations. I heard somewhere also, that it is based on the time you answer the questions. I had no problem with the time. They give you 85-205 questions. If you answer so crappy or so good it can cut off at 85...if they need to know more ...the test continues. Needless to say my test cut off at 85...slammo...and I honestly had no idea. The questions were each a crapshoot except for maybe 7 of them. Those I knew. It took about 1 hour and 20 minutes. I don't screw around contemplating about answers. I jst put them down and move on.

Last night...I thought about how I would tell people when they asked what my future was and why I wasn't doing the nursing, that I was not chippy enough to actually pass the boards. I ate chocolate in the middle of the night and cried.

today...

The Pearson VUE Testing service has recorded your unofficial results as shown below. The Board of Nursing to which you applied for licensure will mail your official results to you within approximately four weeks of your exam date. Please note that a passing result alone does not authorize you to practice as a licensed nurse.

Exam Date:	Wed, 7 Jan 2009 at 10:00 AM
Candidate:	melissa graves
NCLEX ID:	21354800
Registration #:	228469878
Exam:	NCLEX-PN: The National Council Licensure Examination for Practical Nurses
Grade:	pass

I can move on now.