Friends from years gone by, from now, from short spurts of travel....but I'm lonely.
I don't have THAT friend anymore.
The friend that shows up with beer in their Pjs
The friend who meets you after work
the friend that says, "I'm in!"
i don't have it
Being older makes it harder to make new friends or be part of a friend group. Most women have their friend group and aren't super open to new besties. It's a thing.
I've heard from people among posts and passing by things, people I know say about me " she is the most unexpected friend you can have in your circle....she will sit and hold your hand when needed. shes the one you want in time of need. ( the reference was on a death situation)"
i think this is true
but would anyone hold my hand ?
who's gonna pluck my chin hairs and sneak me cocktails ? WHO?
Arriving on Friday afternoon was like walking into the past. Landing in my home town, in which I escaped from so many years ago, held a feeling I didn't realize I had in me.
Home....Old home....history home
I drove the Miracle Strip to my destination
not really worrying about time or distance, and you know what ?
I arrived...
no stress.
That was the last part of my
"stress"
Well, honestly it wasn't stress it was something I am unable to describe....
but it was something.
I'm just going to type what I feel.
Not sugar coat anything for anyone
because, honestly, this is for my heart and a way to sort out feelings
We sat and reminisced , and really did whatever she felt well enough to do.
Would it have been easier if she was literally on her last day? maybe for me.
but I was thankful for this time.
We ate...
and I welcomed that.
She had a rough night....and that made my heart break.
As we talked we discussed life and death and the untimely way it shows up.
She told me she wasn't scared to die anymore.
She had a dream
She dreamt (or not) that she was above her body, she said,
" I was looking down on my body and I wasn't scared. Not at all. I was fascinated....my body was like transparent and I could see every vein in my body...it was glowing the most beautiful blue. Myssi, I wasn't scared. But what did amaze me was that I could feel warmth and comfort. I realized we have one life and we need to love and be the best we can. My body looked so amazing under me...
then as I was looking around, there was a warmth and I swooped back down into my body in the bed.
Thats when it was weird because I wasn't sure if I was actually dead or alive. I knew I needed some water, so I slowly got up and walked to the bathroom to get a sip. I still felt weird so I still wasn't sure what was real or not. the retrieval of water went well in the bathroom so I thought , what the hell, I'm hungry so Im heading to the kitchen for watermelon. By my 5th bite of watermelon I knew I was alive....but what I saw and felt was very real."
"but I'm not scared"
Well, I'm scared.
The reality that we are no longer young and invincible.
We are older and we may not have long to live.
Friends are passing and there is really nothing we can do.
I text her every day.
I look to see if she has turned on her phone.
The past 3 days she turns on her phone and sends this :
I'm guessing this may be the last bit of conversation I have with her.
I sat outside and texted a few people in hopes of being rescued from my own mind.
I was reminded that I was strong and that it wasn't much longer...
and I know that.
I know that
I know
I want to go home.
but then I think of how wonderful this has been
escaping the pain of my home life and troubles,
in an area where people do not know me,
but everyone appreciates me...
our jobs keep us so busy that there really is no time for heart hurting pain
or the fact that we are doing some crazy ass nursing shit
we just keep moving
the days are irrelevant and the biggest thing of the day is what you are ordering for dinner
and if someone will steal it from the food delivery area or not.
I got lost almost every day for a week at Jacobi...
These staff nurses made the days ok...
they were hard asses but I got used to the NY yelling and the weird sense of humor
they made us feel like family
How will I ever stop calling everyone Mommy and Papi
(it's a Bronx thing)
Take a minute.
smiling underneath
It's soooo hot in those stupid gowns.
Every room we walk into or come out of we have to don and doff...
every time.
all of that comes off and goes in garbage then you put it on again.
it takes a minute....
when someone is coding (dying) it seems to take 30 minutes to get it on properly
I look at this everyday and wonder what the theme was
These two...Jack and Jenna...
they aren't a couple but were inseparable ....
So weird to see them without masks.
They look awesome, never would have guessed
still empty. March 1, 2020
Lots of bridges and I couldn't figure out which was which but they were cool
every one in a while there were donuts from someone.
Covid donuts...
but the nurses we are, we ate them
He started filming the bus ride in slow mo....phone taped to the window.
He got left once at Jacobi , because his patient coded at shift change and we didn't all know each other yet....after that we always yelled " Is Brandon here?"
Chuck...
Southern as all get out and came from Pediatrics. He learned how to wipe adult ass and he successfully changed his first bedpan ever, We all cheered and wrote "I changed my first bedpan!" on the back of his gown
We tried to stay perky
renegade Flower Arrangements in the NYC garbage cans...
better than wasting all that beauty
Jordan
another Colorado nurse
I need to figure out that face...
I saw it all over
I can’t take as many pictures as I would like of the situation I find pertinent, although I have snapped a few. My feet hurt, my heart hurts , but not as much as these people losing life and loved ones. It seems for every celebration of an extubation, 3 will die.
But yet we still must celebrate .... we must.
We are working too hard to not. Everyday I go back to my hotel and shower like my life depends on it, sleep, and then do it all over again.
I will never hear this song and not think about Jacobi
and how it was played every time they successfully
got a patient off the ventilator
( with covid, 75% of the people die if they were intubated)
so when we hear this.
we cheer, no matter what
because we are cheering not just for the life,
but for the work we all did,
for the breath they breathe on their own,
and for their family who is not there to see that fight
My entire life I have been the friend, buddy, cool girl, one to call, always there, girl.
At 50 I still experience this.
A couple days ago I was walking through our local music night on Main Street, when I was approached by a friend. I love this guy to death. He's my age, rides Harleys, does yoga, funny, foul. and always up for a beer and a laugh. I gave him a nice hug,( as I always do with everyone) and said , "_____, what's going on with you?? You lost some weight... ya look great though" And with a smile he let loose with his recent life story which was a a bit of a bummer and slightly untimely as I was standing with a friend. I listened and smiled and all of a sudden he looked at my friend and said , " Myssi is my girl...she listens and I can always count on her to know me...."
Ok... It's good.
I love him. He's hot. He around ....
my friends love him ( and many have done him)....
But here it is ....
the truth,
what if I had wanted to do him?
It's a bummer because I'm never sure if I friend zoned myself or it just happened with time.
It doesn't really matter anyways...
Just thinking on paper.
What if I wanted to , ya know....grown adult consenting stuff with him? Or any of my guy friends for that matter...
Yeah...I've friend zoned myself.
I have a few friends who crack me up about this.
" Don't you worry....I'd do ya if needed"
"Would I have to take you to dinner?"
"It would be hard to explain"
yes, yes it would.
Truth is, I don't find many men attractive.
It's far and few between and it's not usually the norm. Many of my friends are pretty awesome and good looking but only a few are what I find mentally attractive. I love it when they text out of the blue, send funny memes, or stop by to sit and have a beer. I love them in that way and it is what lately, has kept me moving forward.
But....There are a couple that I hope do text.... the few that have me checking my phone at weird times...
checking when I think they might text because they know me.
The super early text...to say hi.
The late night meme...
or simple picture.
The smile emoji and a "what are ya doing?"
Those friends.
I'm pretty sure they don't know that I feel that way...or care.
I'll just keep passing out fairly ok advice to them about their dating habits....Encourage them to forget about it.... and build them up when they text from or after their dates to say
"Hey....what are you doin right now?"
yeah.
The ones I wish would come over and say, come on....
I was invited to hang out with the Litas , an all women motorcycle group.
I was nervous, why?.... not sure...
maybe because I'm old and I think I'm cool and shit, but am really not.
But anyways I went.
Rode the scoot to the private party and crossed my fingers.
It is always a bit weird going to do something completely alone, but I don't hate it...it's just a bit awkward at first.
I got there...
and they forgot to tell me it was a dress up party, meaning....dresses, so no one had ridden their bike.
Oh well.
It was a mixed bag and it turned out quite nice.
they were welcoming and were huggers (which I love)
all different ages and skills.
I liked it.
The Litas Colorado
I took a picture of them before the group pic and they are really cute.
The other group I visited in Denver a few years ago, was never very friendly or welcoming.
They were very cliquey and it seemed more of a fashion show than a place to meet and ride with like minded people.
I felt out of place there....
I am a solo person. I love hanging with people and having fun, but as soon as people start comparing riding boots and kevlar and when their next finger tattoo is happening , I'm out.
It's one of the main reasons I don't hang out with many girls.
I don't fit in.
So, I hope this group is different .
I hope I can find a bit of camaraderie.
PS. I have been riding alone, more lately. It is quite liberating, quiet and thought provoking.
I still wish I had someone to ride with once in a while...
he appeared from next door, moonshine in hand ....
"ya'll got Lawn Jockeys where you come from?"
uhmmmm
I'm sure somewhere but not like around here.
"Yeah I bet they paint them white where you live"
(just pour it big boy)
I shook my head and waited for him to get to pouring the moonshine from the jar.
I don't miss much from the South, short of the Gulf Coast water, boiled peanuts and the moonshine.
Nothing like a nice warm jar of liquid fire to help make you think about what's wrong in the world.
The key to drinking moonshine with people you don't know well, is to laugh, pay attention, listen and try, just try, to keep your mouth shut.
Moonshine drinking is not the time to voice any political opinions, ways of life, or who you may think is the greatest Nascar driver to date.
Just don't
"down the gullet and opinions closed"
I made it through the night, without a single vegetarian , race, presidential, or NASCAR comment leaking from my moonshine covered lips.
it was a good night....
others did not fare so well.
The subject of Palestinians and Jews popped out during the last 2 inches of jarred fire and at that point I excused myself to practice moonwalking around the kitchen with Sissy and a quick twerking lesson from another person.
I travel to Nashville a few times a year to relax and see Sissy. This time it was to just get away, escape, and think.
Sissy....post moonwalking
Surprisingly enough I did not have a hangover the following day and was able to meander around Spring Hill a bit and try to relax...get my liver in order for St. Patrick's Day.
Wandering around Spring Hill included the Tractor Store, the town hot spot, where I was able to treat myself to a $9 'Heifer Please' t-shirt, evaluate the baby chicks, and look at all the bedazzled cowboy jeans....
It's the little things.
When I'm in Nashville, I am just me...I often don't wear makeup or fix my hair. I lounge about watching the bird feeder, admiring the Spring blooms and never really eat a full meal.
me....
popcorn tree aka cherry blossom
It's perfect. We go out and I go out as is and make conversation with anyone who approaches.
Golf with a grey haired man at the bar, cool eyeglasses with a beautiful 20 something who "loved my look" and a lot of "let me check out your shirt 'lil mama' "from good looking young men enjoying the Irish beer and what nots.
escape for me....talk, smile, laugh, mingle...
Escaping or running away from problems often seems like a great idea...until you have to come back, then it is much worse.
Almost as if things compile at a different level.
Like the spirits that be are trying to teach you another lesson on top of the shitty lesson you are all ready trying to figure out.
I talked a lot of stuff out and the main thing I was able to establish was that I need to keep talking to someone. I told Sissy, "but they (therapists) don't, and won't give me answers..."
She replied, " but it is going to help you figure it all out at some point."
We talked about going from relationship to relationship and being alone for a while.
I want to be alone, but I also want to be near my friends.
"have you ever been alone?"
yes, but within that alone I have always had my people close to me. I have always been very solo, especially when single. (hell, I'm so solo now it's ridiculous...) Going out , outside my circle...meeting people none of my friends knew...but yet I have always had my friends to come home to. Those friends who are always there...the people who just come and sit on the couch and hang. Slumber party friends, cuddle up friends, 'we got this' friends....
So....
alone?
maybe not....
I am an extrovert who lives inside her brain....alone.
Overthinking and very awkward,
yet seem to draw people to me within this weird personality default.
I used to really like cooking, I know I have said this before...
at some point it became a chore.
It probably was when I really began working later shifts and felt as if I had no support...
and teenagers, teenagers will suck the joy out of everything.
I cook almost every night.
I think it is important to sit at the table together and be present.
This is not always the most highly voted way to eat dinner in my casa, as I know O would like to take her plate to the bedroom and B ....well, I'm not sure he cares either way...as long as it is ready sometime between 6 and 7 ( just as his father used to like)
Me? Me you ask....?
I like to sit at the table, enjoy my food, watch a bit of tele and chit chat....add a beer after a long day.
It's nice when all goes well.
Last night I threw together Shrimp Tacos and veggie crumble tacos.
I grew up eating shrimp but recently I think I have become allergic, so I try not to eat too many....but I love them so.
O, likes hard taco shells so she got her choice tonight ....I added yummy Mexican hard cheese and of course Marie Sharps hot sauce
and a beer
O and I had veggie crumbles with taco seasoning (make your own seasoning, don't buy it) with steamed Sweet Potatoes...covers the protein allotment for the day
2/28/19
Yum....I like chopped lettuce
super simple ...all in all it took longer to clean the pots and pans than cook the dinner
I have been feeling pretty ok. Started training for the half marathon. Not sure if I will make it to the Bryce...but I'm going to keep training. Yesterday it was so cold.... I had to head to the gym to run on the treadmill, my nemesis. As I ran, I watched the mating rituals of the young testosteroned up males.I cannot figure it out. It's often hard to tell if they are trying to impress the woman or the men....or maybe both in a way. As much as I love a nice well taken care of hard body, I am not sure I could put up with that type of bravado. I watched one young chap strut around, bopping from machine to machine with his scantily clad, full makeup, girl trotting behind him carrying his water bottle and his towel. He was constantly 10 feet in front of her. weird.
Cleaned out another room and filled the trash can with shit from my life yesterday which felt pretty good once I slammed the lid of the garbage can and kept myself from looking back in it.
Note to self: Don't look at what you throw away...got no time for picking shit OUT of garbage can due to remorse
Weekend is almost here.
Old guy friend, S, is here this weekend. He always spends the first half of his stay with family which is great then he starts texting. Last night I had to yell... "No,I cannot come get in your Hot Tub...I really have to be up at 4 am....stop sending me those pictures!!!"
finally, I got the last text around 11pm :)
big dummy
I'm not getting in that hot tub....nope, no matter how enticing it looks
but I know he is going to try to convince me
The weekends have been good, probably because I have been feeling pretty good
This young man drove 5 hours to take me on a real first date ... I was 3 years older and and in passing he heard I had never been asked out and picked up in a car and taken out. So, the young gentleman that he was....he made it happen.
I still remember how nervous this young punk rock kid was when he asked.
We had known each other for a few years because he hung out like a little brother in our circle of friends.
Just a kid.
I couldn't say no, because he put so much effort into it and he really was a sweet heart.
Picked me up in his classic Caliente car that he had just had repainted....and if I remember correctly we got rear ended in Little 5 Points on the way to the movie.
He kept his cool.
I believe we saw a movie, had dinner, and he took me home, walked me to the door, and kissed me on the cheek.
I believe he was just 16 or 17 and I was 19 or 20....
I had moved many times, and we both went through many changes...
The other day when I was cleaning, I found a stack of postcards from throughout the years he had sent me.
Back before the internet etc...
postcards :)
A young man who wrote.
and was also very punk rock.
What a flipping gem.
well,
Today is his birthday.
47
He has grown up,
No, this is not the Dude.
We still adore each other.
We talk almost everyday and we always joke we have the longest surviving
long distance relationship ever.
I don't believe we had ever kissed or anything else...
I used to do a picture a day....I'm not sure I can anymore because my life is pretty non picturesque ...but I'm starting today
2/4/19
This is a knitted sock I have been working on forever . I’m starting to think this sock is a metaphor for my life and current situation.
It's a sock, the colors are not great, there is nothing super special about it, it has taken forever to get to the point it's at, and the more I look at it, the more I realize that even if I finish it, I most likely will not make another one.
Unless ..... unless this turns out better than expected.
The funny thing is that I always, well, 98% of the time, finish things, even if it is not good. I have friends who quit, friends who rip things out and friends who just stuff it away in a drawer. All of those are viable answers, but for me, I have to see things through.
This sock contains many mistakes, each one I learned from.
I can see multiple just looking at that picture right there. Because I'm not done, I'm sure there will be more mistakes and lessons to learn in the near future with this ugly sock....
but I'll finish it....I've put quite a bit of effort into it all ready.
Hopefully when I am done, I will be able to know the mistakes I made, and will have learned how to not make those mistakes again, or at least as badly...
and when it's time to knit another sock....
it may not be perfect, but it will be better.
It's a guarantee, because I do pay attention.
I learned this about myself. I'm a pain in the ass, and I often have been guilty of not following the pattern. This often causes problems, misunderstandings and dropped stitches. But it is honestly nothing that cannot be corrected with a little time, patience, sometimes some help from a friend or two, an occasional discussion, maybe a bit of a reworking and then some good old self forgiveness that you fucked it up by not following the directions or knitting rules.
I have a friend , Ashley ( I like to call her lovingly, Snatchly)... she says to me, "the pattern is just a suggested guide, you only learn by veering off a little bit once in a while....happy little mistakes"
happy little mistakes.
( I think she got that from Bob Ross)
( from Etsy.com somewhere)
There have only been a few knitting projects I absolutely hated and pulled apart in despair.
I destroyed them....
yup, my fault entirely...
Frustrated and confused with the most simple projects, I destroyed them, and there was no fixing them.
As sad as it is to have wasted all that beautiful yarn and time, sometimes you just can't go back and reknit it anymore. The yarn is too stretched or bumped and becomes ugly and just won't work. It is never as pretty as it should have been.
Maybe the best thing to do is, not throw it away, but to carefully unknit it....rinse it in cool water, ball it all up nicely and give it to someone who can take the time to appreciate it again and make it work.
Really make it work.
It's only fair.
The last bit about that sock up there, and all the other socks I have tried and failed so miserably;
I can't be mad at myself. No one is ever that great at something new. It takes practice, and stupid mistakes happen, like forgetting to count the stitches and place the important markers right where they need to be so you don't get off track.
Just remember, you can do better with practice and a little help from friends, and youTube.
What would you think if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me? lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song and i'll try not to sing out of key. Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends What do i do when my love is away (does it worry you to be alone?) how do i feel by the end of the day, (are you sad because you're on your own?) No, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends Do you need anybody i need somebody to love could it be anybody i want somebody to love. Would you believe in a love at first sight yes, i'm certain that it happens all the time what do you see when you turn out the light i can't tell you but i know it's mine, Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends Do you need anybody i just need someone to love could it be anybody i want somebody to love. Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends with a little help from my friends.
I plated it up and topped with a veggie burger, spicy pickles, rooster sauce and half a nice perfect avocado.
It was tasty.
and it only took about 20 minutes.
I'm guessing it was fairly healthy.
After dinner, I finished reading this book
Catering to men, it addresses what society has put onto the shoulders of our men and why they are having a difficult time in present day.
But guess what?
I must be part male because that stuff pertained to me in a weird way.
These masks, ugh, the masks!
Now, not only do I have daily life conundrums,
I have mask worry.
I don't really need any more worries.
all in all, the day was ok. Cooked, finished a book, finished one knitted sock (which did not fit), dwelled on the situation at hand and still did not initiate a much needed conversation.
WTF?
O, is at a friends and today would have been a good time...
