On This Harvest Moon .....I'm still in love with you

 Life is strange...

and beautiful

10/10/21

💙

I will keep this simple 

we waited a long time 

for this 

people may say otherwise,

but they did not see the love in his eyes

for me

for her

for us

and her happiness with a new chapter

and family who opened their arms

to her broken wings

and loved her.

just as he loves us

To the people I did not tell

there was a reason or 

reasons

fear,

selfishness

not wanting to answer the questions

To the people who knew

I thank you...

we thank you...

for your beautiful support through the last 2 years

and for all the 

love you have sent

There are still many people I love and hope to never lose in my life...

ever

you all know who you are 

and my love and friendship will forever be here

A new, beautiful, loving chapter is about to begin for us

And a time to begin to heal 

not just my heart but the 

hurt I carried with me

xo,

write ya later

m

I Got Your Back..... Bullshit

So, it's been a bit .....

closer to a year than not

If you have been reading this blog for a while you pretty much know my jam. my humor, my kids, my knitting, my marriage....or non marriage.

19 years....

I finally made a decision and I am going to take the time to do a bit of discussion as a 51 year old woman going through a divorce in which I was the instigater of.

People change

We all deserve happiness

We don't have to just stay because...anymore

I spent 22 years caring for a beautiful family,,,,

in that time I went to school  (twice) waitress to bachelors of science degreee....
becoming a nurse with insurance etc.

all with a couple of kids and working full time.

I loved, I supported, I had great friends and family....

I had a marriage.

It was beautiful....we laughed, we rode motos , we saw bands....

we traveled, cared for kids....

but people change 

and that is OK

I have always been a person who needs others.

I grew up in a huge family with my brothers always around.

Someone always loved me

As I went through my years I was always the independent girl...but deep down I needed love, touch, acknowledgment 

I still do.

some people like to say,

"Take a break....be alone ....love yourself"

nope...

I love love

I love being WITH someone 

I WANT to be with someone who desires to be with me.

now that we have that clear.

I'm getting a divorce.  OMG.  

we all deserve happiness.... I have no hatred....

I just want to be with people who want me....who build me up....

who want to have fun

who love and love life.

and love others.....

so, people change

I have many friends and men I adore....

and women I adore....

with this change...

this man I am seeing right now .....

people can not be happy for us...

for him

Yes...19 years we were together....and no one will ever know our lives

but my new life....

just let us be happy

the super sad part is?....

his friends always say " I got your back"

but they have left him

The ones who were my friends ....

fuck it.

call me a whore, 

unfaithful,

shitty....

I know I'm not.

I'm a grown ass woman 

but for him

the new man...

he loves his friends,

and they have shunned him like he carries the plague

all over being happy

Loving someone 

honestly loving.

we are not 22

we are more than halfway done with our lives and we want what we want

honestly....

at my age just let me love.

a divorce is a divorce.... yes it hurts, yes its expensive (doesn't have to be) 

but for my friends to take sides and to act like we are different now is heart breaking

Ive watched many of my friends go through stuff the last few years which is ridiculous.

if I don't agree I say something,....but never cut them out when they need love most.

Our hearts are strong 

but our minds are not when it comes to people we have trusted and befriended for so long

my heart breaks for my guy

how his friends have left him and talked shit and gossiped

almost worse than girls

well

that's my diatribe on being friends and having someone's back

how being 50 plus years old and moving on to have true happiness in your later years is so frowned upon.

I've served my time.

no one did wrong.

we just need different things now.

so have my back

ya know

?

xo,

m

365 days: day 219... cadence helps my heart (part 1)

As I ran today I looked down at my legs ... 

strong , moving forward , smooth ..... 

a lil buzz ran through my body, a shiver , a smile .... 

I stopped .   

I stood looking first at my thighs 

then towards the mountains .... 

breathing  

breathing .... 

in out .    

Slow.   

Breathe  slow .   

Fill up , let it go

 .... a flash memory and another twinge....

I stretched and looked around .... 

looked at my phone . 

nothing.  
I rubbed my palms down my thighs
Keep running, it will stop

Ch ..... ch......ch.... 

the sound of the gravel crunching as I run in almost perfect cadence to the metronome 

...180 .... 

my feet remember the stride as my mind drifts again ....

Your hand reaching with ease to the passenger side and arriving perfectly on my thigh .   

Warmth and slight heaviness,

a gentle squeeze and movement that was so comfortable I didn’t flinch .   

I looked down at that hand, as you drove to nowhere with the other.... 

not looking at me or changing expression. 

a gesture that now has me unsteady within its memory.

I traced your fingers along the top, felt the soft spot between the thumb and finger,

touched your ring.

your hand moving to hold mine,

perfectly fitting.

cadence....cadence....look out, lean forward...

for a mile the breath comes uneven then starts to find it's place with the legs and heart.

mind begins to wander again.

keep running towards the horizon...

walking quietly side by side, not speaking, unsure

your hand grazes my back with a protective like move as the door opens.

the back of our hands graze each other with closeness and I feel your finger latch lightly around mine. 

weakness....don't move away...

faster I run and break cadence, fuck it, running to a visual point in the distance.

running as fast as I can telling my brain to not stop running until I am there.

I run faster and faster in order to be done.

done

I can't breathe 

I stop and bend over, holding my side...

the tears come, hot and dry quickly in the heat.

my heart heaves with lack of breath

strong legs,

keep moving forward.

I can't 

breathe

my brain throwing thoughts left and right

why has this happened 

it's ok

you are ok

I look at my phone again.

nothing

again

except a running timer saying to move.

telling me to move

come on

do something

I start to head back

tears burning my eyes.

that feeling

a feeling my touch can't fix.

a feeling that comes so often now I want to scream

my stride has shortened and my cadence is off

I walk and my breathing is uneven 

walk, breathe, walk, breathe

hands on my waist

I squeeze 

feeling 

what you

felt

mind wanders

pull me towards you

pushed back against the car

hands lifting me up and wrapping around me

gently sitting me onto the seat of the car.

breathe, breathe, breathe 

looking at the mountains 

I know life is beautiful

life is complicated

but it is also 

often

tragically perfect

undeniably

perfect

write ya later,

xo,

m

ps I write letters, I write so many letters and they sit in a folder waiting to either destroy me or destroy someone else.

the heart is a lonely hunter some may say, 

but my heart is a beautiful writer

I'm cooking

Almost every night I cook dinner for the family and me.

I still feel it's important to sit at the dinner table and eat together.

Even if sometimes we don't talk.

Its a chance to check in, help each other in the kitchen, and know that we are all still here in the house.

I used to love to cook.  I would think about what I was going to cook starting when I woke up.

I'm not sure when it changed, but I find cooking now tedious, unless I'm totally into it.

I often have to cook 2 different meals due to the fact B is not vegetarian.

My skills at cooking meat are not poor. The issue is that B does not really like meat....so he is hard to cook for.

I have attempted everything and I know I'm not a horrible cook, because I have cooked for others and they love it.

I feel, just as anyone else, planning ahead is key to healthy eating and not being overly pissed off when you have to cook a meal.

Tonight I made this stuff:

I was gifted one of those fancy spiralizer things and it was actually pretty awesome.

I carefully shredded up 2 small zucchini and only got my thumb once.

Sautéed in olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper.

I plated it up and topped with a veggie burger, spicy pickles, rooster sauce and half a nice perfect avocado.

It was tasty.

and it only took about 20 minutes.

I'm guessing it was fairly healthy.

After dinner, I finished reading this book

Catering to men, it addresses what society has put onto the shoulders of our men and why they are having a difficult time in present day.

But guess what?

I must be part male because that stuff pertained to me in a weird way.

These masks, ugh, the masks!

Now, not only do I have daily life conundrums, 

I have mask worry.

I don't really need any more worries.

all in all, the day was ok. Cooked, finished a book, finished one knitted sock (which did not fit), dwelled on the situation at hand and still did not initiate a much needed conversation.

WTF?

O, is at a friends and today would have been a good time...

but I'm scared. 

what is wrong with me!

Don't answer that.....

please

write ya later,

xo 

m

This song....

It helped today, 

How to pick a therapist

I'm picking a therapist.

Would anyone care to help?

I'm all ready full of OCD and anxiety, now I have to choose a therapist from a list, suggested by distance from my home, acquired from my insurance company.  There was no asking what I might need counseled in or anything...I guess I get the generic form.

It's comical.

First I started with the names...

Do they sound like therapists?

Then I google.

I google the letters after their names, their names, and then judge everything about them by their website content. 

I mean, that seems logical, right?

how else do you do it?

Of the 6 choices, one was quickly eliminated because they had no website.

This led me to believe they either were ancient with no ability for online presence, or that they were attacked by one of the people they were counseling and decided to not be present in the manner that they would be easy to locate.  There were no pictures or addresses so I decided to scratch that one of the list...I didn't want to be murdered by accident....ya know just trying to get to and from the building. I watch crime TV....I'm not dumb. So, with that said.... One down.

This dreamboat was not on my list...

I would not pick him anyway, I couldn't imagine telling him about my issues and him looking at me like that....nope. Nothing would get solved, it would be worse, way, way worse.

The other five I sorted by navigating the reviews and lists of "therapies" they can entertain/cure me with.

First off: the name Jilab... I can't even, then her most respected therapy is dance and movement therapy. I'd have to be effin crazy to drag my anxiety ridden self into marriage counseling and be treated with 45 minutes of "dance / movement" therapy!  

Unless I am doing this :

I don't think I can entertain the thought of dance therapy, and to be honest, today in boxing class I couldn't even figure out my left hook from my right hook, so this is probably out.

 Oh wait she also has hypnotherapy and aroma therapy for the soul.

no, no and another no....

badd-a-boom

OFF THE LIST!!!

That left me with a therapist who looks like Pat, which is fine, but I could not imagine my other half telling Pat his problems without thinking of SNL, honestly, could you?  And regardless of how mad I may be at my significant other....I'm not that mad.

"Y'all gotta just love each other"

Sorry Pat...off the list.

The next was a young lady.  Quite attractive and well put together. 

I circled her name....

wrote down the number....

picked up the phone ....

Then decided she was too sexy.

Won't work. 

The last was the farthest distance from my house but his website was up to date, easy to navigate and his smiling face was like the friendly, bald science teacher from middle school.

He did not look threatening, he graduated from a real college, not online certification, and he was not wearing a bow tie. 

plus he had the balls to say he was "seasoned" 

I like it.

Now if I get there and he is this "seasoned" I may have to re-evaluate a few things, including my method of choosing a therapist.

I'll try to keep you semi posted about the funny stuff....Not the bullshit tears and stuff

If you have any other suggestions feel free to leave a comment. 

all free therapy is gladly accepted.

Write ya later,

m