longest day and memories...christmas morning

 Life is short...

today, my son hung himself

he is still alive, 

It is not his time

and I hope he will soon understand that he has so much to still give to this world...

that his light has only begun to shine,

even though his head and heart are so heavy he is unable to carry them alone.

We will carry it all for you,Blue....

until you are strong enough

 and the light is bright enough

for you to see the

path 

your beautiful path 

once again 

❤

the call was the same as the one I received the day his girlfriend was found dead from accidental overdose in the bed next to him.

My son, 

he carries the world in his head and his heart,

He has not done art in a year and that, too, has weighed heavy

upon his soul.

We have all been in dark spaces 

We have all had a time when life is so heavy that it seems we 

cannot

continue 

another day

But the next day will most likely never be as bad as the moment you

attempted....

to leave this planet

and us....

you still have so much to give this planet

so much to teach to others

so much love to give

and ....

love to receive....

I promise.

I promise

it is just waiting for the perfect moment

thank you

for 

staying

xo,

m

"acute attempt by hanging 

non diagnosable"

this occurs when the weight of life is too hard to handle and the coping skills are low to none

often seen in abused and abusive relationships and PTSD...

 where one loses the ability to momentarily rationalize

Not due to diagnosable severe depression or mental illness.

if the weight of the world is suffocating you

tell someone

call 911, call anyone ....

and I do realize the weight of the phone is often as heavy as the moment you decide you cannot go on.

It will get better.  

It will

I promise.

national hotline

800-273-8255

long term effects from hanging survival is unknown...

physical and of course mental

many see hope after surviving....

many do not.

many have resources and support...

many do not

Many have the ability to have people care for them and help....

many fall right back into the situation which put them there

Blue...

we will forever fight for your light

there is a reason

mom

Teen angst and ...

 Right now.   

Life should be good.   But with every good decision there are downsides... right? 

My teen hates everything about me.   It’s a given, I know .   Life is hard for everyone right now and probably even more so for teens.   No school , no friends , no movies .... but on a different note, she really has everything she needs.   I do my best to make sure her needs are way before mine .

We are moving into a new house 

Well. Buying a new house.  It’s been stressful but not any worse than expected .   I think the hardest part is feeling the responsibility of having to take care of us all .... to do it right and make sure we are all good.  Sometimes, I want to just show up and be the quiet one ... not have to be in charge.  I’m guessing I could do that but then we would not be where we are now.

Moving stuff has been difficult ,to say the least .   I am not allowed to have anyone in the house... except me and moving furniture and boxes is not easy alone.   I haven’t had time to sort ...so everything gets boxed and I’ll sort later .  

B... wants none of it , although he fought to keep it...now he says he’s going to throw it all out .   Maybe that is easier.

Doesn’t matter 

It will work itself out 

Pretty sure this will be my last vacation as such ...

Especially with the teen.

Xo

M

DIY Retro Jean Fun

 It's been a minute since I have had time to sew or do fun shit.

These are Marc Jacobs Runway

So, 

(mine are just as fab)

I, of course, was "given" the opportunity to snazzy up some of the Teen's thrift store haul.

This is how it happens:

Teen and friend buy cool Salvation Army stuff

they say

"Mom, look at this stuff, we have a plan"

then the plan sits on the kitchen table until I say,

" Damnit!!! I'll do it."

Anyways...

here's the how to:

1:Buy jeans

2: cut jeans in cool places (but use caution because you have to sew it back together!)

4: take half the cut pieces and bleach them or dye them

5: reassemble on the floor and pin

6: now remember when you sew them together that you want the seam to the inside and the fringe on the outside.

7: get a glass of wine ( or martini)

8. finish and make teens model 

look how cool....

She makes me smile...

There is your fashion for the day

YOU ARE WELCOME

xo,

sew ya later

m

Make a list

It's been a huge month.

I set some goals and attempted to follow through and I'll tell you why.

I have this friend who carries around a pocket full of post-it notes and on each one is a thing he needs or wants to get done. He pulls them out multiple times a day and shuffles through them and every once in a while he throws one away....sometimes there are 2 things on one post-it....in that case he scribbles one line out and puts back in the pocket....

On a great day I'll hear him say

"That's IT!!! Empty Pockets!" 

he wipes his hands on his pants and smiles

"done"

Then it starts over.

Seems simple.

I have been more than overwhelmed with:

Covid

Work

Never-ending Divorce

House Hunting with no $$

Teenager

My Hair

Running

Working Out

My never-ending Period

Relationship

None is horrible, but as a compiled basket

it's a lot.

SO....

I said, Come on Girl...This is your life now....get yer shit together and move forward.

First thing first....

My beautiful family arranged for Sissy to come for 2 nights and just sit on the couch and all of us be happy together and it was divine!

Me and Sissy....

then I was told it's time to buy myself something....something simple

I bought run pants.

Then I started my list....

I have to start planning for our future....and that means cleaning up the house I am losing and start packing for a house or life in the future.

20 years of crap is a lot....

I often wish it would just disappear.

But no, I can do this.

I can

So this week....

my list is made and I giggled.

I moved a lot of our stuff to a rental space

and even drove a big truck to do it. 

in hindsight I wish I would have sorted the stuff out a bit more 

but oh well....

I have 20 more days until Tulum

and I can't wait.

I have some big news too

But I am going to wait.

xoxo

m

 

it wasn't fast

 I just have to laugh...seriously....How long can this divorce last!???

papers have been filed....now I have to wait before I can buy house, buy a car, remove him from my insurance, shit....I can't even rent anything at this point.

it's insane.....but.  whatever.  It is going to be fine.  But a year and a half for a divorce between 2 people who really have nothing is ridiculous.  We have spent more in lawyer fees than we probably make in a year.   Because of him.  I'll leave that there.   I was willing to give him half of everything, the house ....etc....but he fought it.   

whatever.

So, here I am.

waiting still

I have said this a million times. I laugh that it seems so simple 

I just want to live and be happy.  I want to laugh and take care of the people in my life.

I want to have abs,

I want to have a house in  CR...

I want to have sex, good sex,

I want my kids to be happy,

I want my ex lovers to see my beauty....

I want to travel,

I want to be able to ride a gravel bike with my friends ...and not die....

Soon.  soon they say.

I dont want to buy a 450k house, (which still needs updated)

 because that is all that is available....

I'd rather live in a shack in CR

I dont want to rent

I want my kid to be happy

I want my lover to be happy

I want my friends to still love me

I don't want people to say "wow that was fast"

because....

it was not fast.   it was miserably slow.   10 years of the 19 were mostly sad, and self deprecating, and not living life to my fullest.    so ,NO ! it wasn't fast.   Shut your mouth.   Let me live ...

ok....

my rant for the night.

xo,

m

What? 100 days Left?

Did you hear?

Only about 100 days of 2020 left

Should I rejoice 

or cry.

Just this morning I woke up and thought

"when Summer gets here I have so much I want to do"

then....

I remembered its's 2020 and Summer is over.

stupid covid

Costa Rica last year in October....

It is the place which calls my heart on a daily basis.

So, as I sit typing this and glance at my vision board I realized I have not completed a damn thing this Covid season.

Short of "saving the world" in NYC

which was quickly forgotten....

 and replaced by divorce, living a smaller life,

 and trying to figure out how I can live and survive in CR.

I have really accomplished nothing.

I posted the picture to keep me somewhat accountable and positive

I was reminded how beautiful I am and that maybe I don't see what others may see.

It makes me laugh because I will forever be self conscious, even at 52.

Sure I put on a bikini....

but I also don't want to see pictures.

Sure I work out,

but I also can't seriously commit to a huge plan in order to see change.

I find myself wanting to sit with my Loves instead of stressing at the gym.

I'd rather walk my dog and clear my head than do sit-ups and push ups

Let's be honest ....

anyone who knows me knows I'd rather have a beer than do anything

ha...

truth

My divorce is hopefully getting closer to the end

seeing how it has been a year 

so, my time can be spent on more productive thoughts than 

that.

I can't wait to see what the second half brings and the day I can let it all go,

to only look back on the good and be able to be who I am without a monitor

xo

write ya later

m

Weightlessness, no gravity

Were we somewhere in-between?

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

Oh, highway boys all sleeping in

With their dirty mouths and broken strings

Oh, their eyes are shining like the sea

For you, the queen of San Luis

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

Cutting through the avenues

I'd always find my way to you

Beside the hook, the hammer lies

And fumbling round in the smoke

Spending time chasing ghosts

Hold me down, hold me down, child

Hold me down, hold me down, child

California called you queen

With your golden hair and magazine

Were you somewhere in-between?

Fast asleep, a flying dream

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

I'm a ghost of you, you're a ghost of me

A bird's-eye view of San Luis

 

Zzzzzz

 What I wouldn’t give for sleep

Real sleep

More than 4 hours

To put my head on the pillow

And sleep

Just sleep

That is all

X

broken nose and a WTF

I kept wondering why she was pacing back and forth. 

I glanced out of the corner of my eye and she was walking back and forth and in circles. 

Thats not like her, I thought.

As the realtor and I were finishing our discussion I heard K yell,

"Olive, holy shit...OLIVE!!!!"

As I turned she was wobbling and went face first into a tree by the edge of the driveway, 

then into a pile of  large landscape rocks.

seizure.

I yelled,"call 911" over and over again 

until I could hear the realtor giving a clear address and saying Olive's age and the situation.

Kevin was trying to turn her over, but I knew we should not move her too much, so I pushed him away and carefully flipped her 

and held her head as she screamed a primal weird scream....

her eyes looking at nothing, but everything.  

It only lasted about 10 seconds, but seemed longer.

I cradled her head and made sure she could not move it.  

I felt her nose gently....

broken for sure.

I looked at her ears,

no blood yet.

the egg all ready forming on her forehead.

The next several hours were spent at the emergency room....

standard scans and blood work.

I texted her dad before I even left the area it happened.

K...came in, 

then we decided he should leave so that when dad came he could come in with no issue.

Covid and the ER keeps people from having visitors, but because Olive was under 16...both parents or care givers, are allowed.

As K left Olive cried.

She asked me ....

"did you text dad?

why isn't he coming or texting"

He must be busy and not have his phone....

you know he would be here.....

One hour, two hours, 3 hours.....

still no answer.

"mom ....why isn't dad coming?"

well...as we were finishing our paper work....

he texted....I told her this....

"He called...He didn't have is phone...he isn't near home so he can't get back....he loves you....and is worried."

but what he really said to me...

"WTF?....I'm not near home.....and Where were YOU when this happened???

(standing next to her)

Hmmmmmmmm

sure.....makes me wonder what the fuck is going on over there"

he didn't ask how she was, or that he was going to hurry home to see if she is ok...

or....let me talk to her ....

wow that is really scary.

he said .......

Hmmmmmmm 

and questioned the situation.

my heart broke...

broke because this is not who I was with...

or was it?

It broke because I cannot and will not be able to continue to explain and cover

It broke for Olive.

She's tucked into bed with a broken nose, a concussion and a huge lump on her head.

I'm checking on her continuously ....

the dog at her side.

I want her to know I Love her so much

we all do.....

but today....

I feel different

not my love for her....

but my hope....

for love

write ya later

m

my gland is killing me

 holy hell,

I have an infected Parotid Gland....

It hurt....

really bad....

then I went to the ENT doctor, now I think I am going to die.

they mashed and pushed on it and said,

Yup

inflammation of the Parotid Salivary Gland

now I'm at home and am wishing it was a limb amputation

(joking) 

but shit it hurts

stupid Salivary gland

aka

adult mumps,

write ya later

Offer Smoffer

 lord have mercy.   I am so done with all of this,   I do realize I am a nurse and it is not appropriate for me to express this....but I wanna see live music, hug a stranger, go to the damn bar and sit at the bar instead of the parking lot.........

but....

whatever.

It has been quite comical living in this tiny space.  I am living with about 3 outfits, 25 pairs of shoes (because I couldn't leave my shoes) and one shared bathroom.   

Im thankful that Kevin has let us in....made room for us and said he will take care of us.  ( don't need anyone to take care of us, but it is divine and lovely and makes my heart happy to know he is there).

I have heard from my lawyer that the "ex" is going to accept the offer.   

THE OFFER.

hahahahahahahahahahaha

Smart on his part.

Of course he is going to win....he doesn't need to deal with me, who he despised, he gets the house and most of everything I have worked for and saved .

(note to people.....if you marry up....never have your own shit or investments...that way if you split you can half of theirs regardless of your input)

to the other half. 

get a prenuptial

Anyways, we will discuss that later. But sooner the divorce is finalized the sooner I can actually live.

You all know that one cannot buy a house , car , change insurance, move....etc....without divorce papers.   It's one of the dickiest moves ever.  They know you are stuck....if you are on the short ghetto side of divorce....just refuse to sign the divorce papers and you can live for basically free until the court says you have to sign.    For me...I have to continue to pay for all of his shit until he signs.    But, I'm good.  I got an extra job and am maintaining mine, the kid's and apparently his lifestyle for now.  And Im actually not too angry.   Just more done.  Move the fuck on.   Let me go.

On the flip

I'm happy.   Kevin is everything I have wanted, and how this happened I have no idea and don't really want to question it.   I just know I deserve it, and so does he.   Coming home every day to a person who is honestly happy to see me is the best.  We laugh, touch, kiss and do things together.   So simple....laugh, kiss the cheek and touch their butt once in a while and you are in.

Hopefully soon this divorce will be done.  I will lose my forever home and most of the stuff ( this is what happens when you are the spouse with the most money and independence regardless of gender ...this is part of women's liberation I suppose) I lose the goods and money, but gain a life I deserve with people who want to be around me.  Maybe a move is in my future.   Denver? Florida? Nashville? Connecticut?  I don't know.   but it will be something.

xo,

write ya later,

m

hey.... Don't fool yourself..... listen

maybe not mazzy ....but listen 

While this town is busy sleeping,
All the noise has died away.
I walk the streets to stop my weeping,
'Cause she'll never change her ways.

Don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart feels so still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
Oh I think I've forgotten her now.

Her love is a rose, pale and dying.
Dropping her petals in land unknown
All full of wine, the world before her,
Was sober with no place to go.

Don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's somewhere out there now.

Well my tears falling down as I try to forget,
Her love was a joke from the day that we met.
All of the words, all of her men,
All of my pain when I think back to when.

Remember her hair as it shone in the sun,
The smell of the bed when I knew what she'd done.
Tell yourself over and over
You won't ever need her again.

But don't fool yourself,
She was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's out there somewhere now.

Oh she was heartache from the day that I first met her.
My heart is frozen still
As I try to find the will to forget you, somehow.
'Cause I know you're somewhere out there right now.

Together

Life is so weird.

awesomely weird.

let me just tell you .....

like you care.....

Recently I lost a best friend

 ....or more.....

a love..... 

a piece of my heart....

just like that.

no longer.

"never contact me again"

I am who I am....I will never leave people I love....ever.

but this hurt.....

In the interim....I am working and laughing.

My kid is blossoming into this amazing soul 

with big thoughts and opinions, 

beauty that just pours out of her.... 

a mouth like a mini sailor 

and I adore her.

I laughed as she went on and on about how MY life should be evolving....

How Kevin is her "G" 

and she is moving to San Fran ( regardless of cost)

I admire her .

As I move through this divorce ...going on a year + now.

I know I am good.

I think a lot about how things could have been different....

but it doesn't matter.

why waste time on that

I think about how people change and that is something we should all realize...

and that is OK

My life in this little tiny place is happy

I have a lover who adores me and we mesh...

we laugh...we talk...we cook...we do things....

together.  

It is so great.

the kid is happy 

She is involved and present ....

this place is tiny, yet she is always present

unlike the big house....

she is here....

smiling....

and her friends are here too

I love it.

I feel like a mom..... a parent

When this is done....

and I can delete all the messages and pictures from ,y life and start over 

with hopefully 5$ to my name....

things are gonna get wild 

52 year old wild.   

xoxo

m

Costa Rica here I come

Learning a New Life

Life

It goes on

I fought, I gave up, I begged for help, I rethought 

and I'll fight again

He refuses to sign the divorce papers...

to let me go.

I can do nothing....

except to continue to smile, pretend it's ok, not say anything and wait.....

along with paying the lawyer bills.

I have been more than generous.

I don't want child support, take half of everything....keep the house (500K)....

just let me go

he refuses....

tonight....I had a beer and thought....

I'm losing half of everything regardless.   

which I knew.

but now that it has been over a year and he still won't allow me to move on...........

I'm gonna fight.

We can go to court.

he can take half my shit

even though he has never saved a dollar on his own.

but I am going to ask the house get sold....

child support

and no spousal support

fuck him

I'm over being taken advantage of.

I'm tired of every man who crosses my path taking me for an idiot because I love so hard

I'm perfectly capable of caring for myself, my kids and my dog. 

you know what.....?    

I'll apparently take care of you too

I don't need all this stuff.

If I lose everything I have 

Ill still be me

take it or leave it.

Tonight I was put in my place once again by a man.

It's not a new thing.

Corrected in the fact that I can't control things.....

which I know.

I should settle more and maybe dream less at my age.

This is life.

work, eat, sleep and repeat and if you are lucky you do something fun once or twice a year.

Just how it is....

this is how you live until you die

if this is how it is

there is no reason for me to stress about divorce, 

loss of pensions,

 and having to pay 900$ a month in alimony.  

It's just the way it is

move on.  

it's all gonna be ok.

we are all just waiting and working for the end.

xo

m

 

Divorce Doesn't Mean You Get To Not Parent on Fridays

(post from July 2020)

I've been nice for too long.

And it's tearing me up.

With life changes come issues....

I'm not an idiot, 

but why someone would want to drag a divorce on for a year + makes no sense

why someone would demand a child be there 50/50

then tell the same child when she asks for a ride home from work on a Saturday night

"I wasn't planning on being home....I would need more notice...so no"

Guess what?

Parenting isn't just a Wednesday night thing.

You think you want to parent full time yet can't make time to drive her home from work...

you don't get to do what ever you want on the weekends ....

you have to parent...

Guess what else?....

Don't worry about it...

Because that is what I do.

I parent full time....and Im good with that.

I drive her back and forth and if for some reason I can't,

 I find someone who can

you know what else I do?

I talk to her.

I feed her meals 

I buy her tampons

I ask her about her tiktoks and boys

I express concern when I think she needs it

I take her for her driving hours.

we all go camping 

shopping 

and her friends come over....

She is now witnessing a happy mom 

and people who love her mom and her, too

and it is a good thing.

so remember,

when you divorce and think 

Oh we will just be 50/50 then I won't have to pay child support...

think again....

first of all. 

 I never asked for child support....

I asked for a divorce....

and I still have neither

which is more than irritating but mostly it just shows your character 

 

I know I will get through this and even if this legal shit is killing me

I know I am not allowed to move forward until he agrees to divorce me....

I know it is better than staying with a person who doesn't  love you...

a person who stopped touching you 

stopped building you up

stopped kissing you....

laughing with you...

this is all better.

this new life.

The kid is old enough to decide what she wants and as I was told ...

silence is ok....

Teenagers are not stupid 

they watch, they listen,

they figure it out....

so a piece of advice to other's

Be honest with your teens 

keep your comments quiet

and let them see the reasons you could not stay

they are more apparent when you are not living in it every day.

write ya later

m

This. Broken

Not sure if they are trying to...

 kill me

Teach me

Or Break me 

M

big stupid love

( this post is about all the people I love .... right here right now )

when I say 

I love you

I mean it....

When I said

I'll love you forever

I wasn't kidding....

I love like that.....

maybe that is why I am where I am now

Maybe that is why ......

no one leaves forever

even in the most hateful times

I loved you once

that doesn't just end

you said you love me

you say you love me

or

 is that because 

you dont want me to disappear

into the love of another

 

everything has a time and a reason

xo,

m

Hype Whatever, Karen

Hype

(This is not a direct friend) 

I have many friends who post on many subjects.   

I am going to say many are fucking idiots ....

These are the same people who don’t understand the riots ...

These are the friends who look me in the eye and say,

“ but it really wasn’t that bad , was it? The media shows the worst”

And when I respond with an educated, first hand response, they still say,

“ well , it’s not here”

You can’t fix stupid 

But I would like my friends to know that when you say these things 

You devalue my job and many other’s .

You , as a friend....

Negate my experience.... 

my fears ....

and my thoughts 

I am very minute in this world

 I get it

Doesn’t really matter

But I am

Observing 

Listening 

Becoming 

And you who fail

To acknowledge situations which are happening 

Maybe not in your cul de sac ....

But maybe the next street over.....

Are showing great signs of 

Non empathy 

Narcissism 

And 

idiocy

Write ya later,

Sleepless

m

covid pits

I was wondering the same thing.....

Life has been more than what anyone needs, requires or has asked for lately.

Summer is here and just as we slide out of Covid we find our country locked down into curfews due to riots and hatred.

So, I guess I'm ok if those "murder hornets" took a left turn at Albuquerque.

What the bejesus is happening?

Happening to the world? Our brothers and sisters of color? Our children? Our planet?

I don't know, and although I do think and overthink it I am going to allow myself a break and not feel super guilty.

(yes, those are my Covid hairy pits....I like them)

let me get back to my old bullshit posts...

today I ran 3 miles, it was hotter than a Las Vegas parking lot but I attempted it anyway.  2 miles in of run walking I, of course, had to poo.  

Because of Covid there are no public bathrooms which caused me great anxiety.

Don't worry, I made it ....

barely

I earned my beer on that run.

I have more shitty run days now than good ones.

maybe it's age?

well,

I really have not much to post 

except I haven't been home a month and it feels like a lifetime,

Lawyer texted that the divorce could be another 6 months because the courts are still not open...

and I have a mammogram on Friday

let's get this summer started

write ya later

xo

m

If It Doesn't Make You Wiser.... Quarantine Days

I get lost...

not sure what holds things down

or back

in my head.

This beautifully sad movie was not the ideal thing for me to watch today,

alone...

maybe too close to home....

Maybe made me feel 

too much

and the hole opened again.

so many things I need to sit and think about,

to fix

to not be another disappointment 

Being strong is what is expected...

The mean mom, the tough one,

the bitch ex wife....

(almost)

As I continue to try to run away, to escape and to be strong...

reality keeps seeping in.

I go back to work in a week and I'm not sure I'm ready.

I definitely don't want to continue to sit around but I also am not sure I can keep my shit together.

I really do not want to cry ...

I don't want to talk about it because when I do I feel the need to only say the good stuff, 

because there was a lot of good stuff.

Keep the sad or morbid stuff quiet...

then I realized today,

the bucket I cram all that into is nearing the top, with no overflow.

I can't sleep

it's not all about my job etc...that really just allowed me to but a name ,or an excuse, on my feelings.

Now it's everything

every dark spot I had ,or have no control over, is there and it feels pretty vast.

I'll be fine

but I wonder what others do?

I was sent this article 

"I Can't Turn My Brain Off: PTSD and Burnout Threaten Medical Workers"

I sit here and think maybe taking time off is really not the best idea...

Maybe that is the exact idea as to why they often require us to work continuously

Then I was sent a link to 10-33 foundation for reintegration...

I put it a folder last week...

today I opened it and filled it out.

I should probably write more, because I sure as shit don't want to talk more

I just want to laugh...

I want to be done with this divorce ...

because I cannot understand it and that kills me too

I get angry when I see him still sitting on the couch doing the exact same thing....

when he stuffs all my belongings in the basement and has ripped up and thrown away every family picture....

just seems really hurtful, but yet again...I hurt him

I still pay the bills and mortgage...

I'm not sure I have ever been much of anything except a bill payer ....

I don't want to talk to family because they really don't need to know

and even if they did,

what can they do.

As silly as it sounds I want to just sit and listen to the birds

or do something I can complete and be proud of...

have someone rub my back while I fall asleep 

and make sure I do fall asleep...safely

I would like to sit and listen to music

and not cry...not feel that overwhelming burden.

I don't want to think about how much more I could do for the people in my life...

son, daughter, friends, lovers, family, and the people I promise to care for within my job...

There is nothing I can really do

except wait it out

figure it out

keep smiling...

and hoping I can be the person I am supposed to be.

xo,

write ya later,

m

here.....if it doesn't make you wiser...

Wiseblood

Zola Jesus

This'll be my last home

But this stream will carry me through

But this stream isn't home no more

And truth can make immune

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

And this'll be my one remorse

But this stream's kept me abused

And this stream is a hungry course

And time can make it new

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

In these parting days, I am losing all my senses

In these timeless days, I can barely see through

In this crowded space, I am losing all my senses

In these drowned out bays, I can barely see through

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?

If it doesn't make you wiser

Doesn't make you stronger

Doesn't make you live a little bit

What are you doing?